(no subject)
Ugh- life is miserable right now. I don’t feel good, this damn office is freezing cold (and I’m wearing TWO sweaters), I’m without medicine; I’m hungry, broke, single, without an education and just so very alone.
Maybe I’m too dependent on people. Maybe in that case everyone is too dependent upon each other.
I don’t feel like working today. I feel like going home and staying in bed until I’m perfect, whereupon I will rise out of bed (with no need for a shower because my hair will be clean and I would be smelling great, I will not need makeup as my face will be radiant, and there would be an abundance of cigarettes for me that don’t smell or cause cancer).
It’s a time like this that I miss Virginia the most: walking to classes, with the day seeming so bright and promising amidst a gloomy sky. Then spending time with Krys and Kim at the Waffle House studying, stressing about papers and finals, but otherwise enjoying the company of one another, and then retreating to our abodes sleeping on vinyl mattresses thinking about how we’re ever going to survive in a world such as this.
Ugh I hate this. Why can’t these girls be down the street from me?!?! Why I can’t be a few minutes away from them?! I often feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving Lynchburg, because nothing seems to be getting better for me. I miss my friends more than ever, I miss the campus, I miss the annoying teachers, I miss the HORRIBLE caf food, I miss the WaHo people that seemed to enrich my life, I miss the fun times. I miss the only stress in my life being schoolwork. Now my stressors are moving out of my parent’s house, and having enough money to pay my bills and survive.
My GOD do I need a cigarette. I haven’t had one since Friday, and it’s now Tuesday. I never realized how heavy a smoker I was until now, when just a couple of days go by I’m FLIPPING out by not having any nicotine. I haven’t started shaking or anything, but my stomach hurts, nothing tastes right anymore, my nose is runny, and I’m edgier than hell- on top of the panic attack someone almost gave me when they started massaging my shoulders just a couple of minutes ago.
I just wanna pick up my stuff and go down to Lynchburg.
Guess what I just came across?
Welcome to the online Farmacy world!
Great pirces for bestsllers:
V1agra
C1al1s
Xana-X
Val|um
Fr.EE worldwide sh|p.ping. Great support.
ODRER N0W!
Yes, that’s right- someone totally sent this to me- grammatical and spelling errors included from a “Sporky86”.
Along with me (sporkless), other recipients include:
“Sporklover”, “sporkman”, “sporkmanx”, “sporkpimp”, “sporks97”, “sporksis”, “sporko”, and “sporkofsouthpark”
Totally made me feel better- for like a minute.
And then this came into my inbox today (although I’m only providing an excerpt):
I look at karma differently than you and some other folks. See if you can understand this, Karma is about deeds and if the deeds are such that they extend and share pleasures, without hurting anyone, I think they are fine. Though there are chances of people getting hurt, which then becomes the responsibility of the doer. If it's for personal gratification where no one would know, I feel that some pleasure for personal gratification is ok if it's in moderation and controlled.
Yep- it’s from the random guy again. We’ve began e-mailing more frequently, as you can tell. I rather enjoy talking to this man. There’s nothing wrong with talking to a guy who’s in a relationship, that has children from two women he’s never married, and that still wants something on the side. Can someone say “PLAYER”?
OK. Now this brings up a topic of Karma: what constitutes the coming around going around? Do you agree with what this man is saying or not, and why? I’d really like some feedback on this, as I hope these questions for debate that I’m slowly bringing up to bring some sort of meaning to my life (which at this current point in time has virtually no meaning).
I say that Karma goes like this: you do something positive, you get something positive back. You do something negative, you get something negative back. Ergo- what goes around, comes around.
In this case, said guy (IMO and form what he’s told me; and I have the e-mails to prove it) has these two lady friends. Both of whom he’s had relationships with. The first one he had children with, and then left for the second woman that he then had children with (the quantity with each woman I don’t know, so I went ahead and made it plural- chalk one up for assumption). But he remains (so he says) close friends with the first one. He likes the relationship he’s currently in, and has made it clear that he does not want to leave it. All the while- he wants spice in his life. Excitement, if you will.
Am I immature for seeing this as cheating? He says that both of these women are “strong and independent” and can leave him at any time they wish.
I’m sorry- but in my most humble (and he can view it as naive) opinion, these women are BLIND. They are involved with a man that does not intend to settle down at all (because he was not “allowed the opportunity to date as an adolescent like the other boys his age”- this probably means that his social development in reference to how to treat women as people and not as “something on the side” is crippled).
Who knows- maybe this guy missed the “Relationship Train” completely. Maybe one’s brain fully develops to understand the fundamental complexity of a relationship in adolescence (the time period he said he was encouraged to “stay away from girls”), and once you pass that period- you have a harder time grasping what a real relationship is about. Maybe the theory that it’s much MUCH easier for us to learn when we’re younger is actual fact- instead of gaining educational knowledge, however, we are trying to learn Social Knowledge.
Hm- this gives me an idea for an essay- maybe even a book.
I know he’s reading all of this. He makes it a point to read my journal. That’s fine. Get mad at me for writing all of this down. I find it better to write this all down and get it out of my system rather than sit at my desk FUMING about it and letting it plague my mind. I went through that with Rob, where it started out as friends, then progressed to a rape, moving on to “something on the side” that I tried to get out of but still kept getting roped into, moving on to an infatuation, and then now at it’s final stages- where he is STALKING AND HARRASSING MY BEST FRIEND because she hates his guts for what he did to me. So pardon my language, but fuck you- I’ll write what I feel in my journal, uncensored, as the thoughts LITERALLY come pouring out of my head.
Anyway. Ponder on that, and get back to me. I’d love some feedback, everyone.
I’ve been thinking a lot about writing books. I have a couple of ideas in mind (one I just thought of now as I write this entry).
1- To write an account of living with Bi-Polar Disorder, much in the fashion of The Diary of Anne Frank- same physical structure of a diary, but discussing what a Bi-Polar person goes through, thinks, feels, how they literally see the world. The diary would start from early adolescence, then progress to late teens (when the disease usually triggers), through diagnosis, up to the trials of keeping up with medication and proper treatment (which is very VERY costly). I would of course discuss how a “common person” would cope with this disorder, as not everyone has the financial means to acquire the treatment they so desperately need- like me. I would base the book on occurrences of my life mostly (since that’s what I’ve lived), and throw in additional situations from people who are just like me (I’m searching the internet for Bi-Polar Support Groups and Message Boards so that I can gain some connections with people like me).
2- The other idea for a book was to write an account (fictional, of course, since I lack the proper credentials to list it as non-fiction IMO) on dating- the development of it in our minds, the social and moral ideals, and how juveniles, teens and adults perceive dating (to give an idea as to how dating and our views on relationships change as we age). I want to gain a spectrum of opinions on what people think dating is, along with getting the opinions of some relationship specialists to try and get the understanding of what a relationship really is, and why everyone thinks of them differently.
What do you guys think?!?! :-D This is one of those things that makes me excited just thinking about doing it. And it’s one of those things that I’ve wanted to do since I was a little girl (write books, I mean). It couldn’t hurt to try something new and exciting- Could it? I mean- I’m not expecting it to hit the Bestsellers List or to win a Pulitzer, but it would at least be a conversation starter to say “I’ve been published”- right?
OK. So I just got back from lunch, and the Hi5 guy randomly shows up. Just- BAM- there he is. He apparently got off work early and decided to come surprise me- oh, I was surprised alright. I was just walking around the office building outside, enjoying the sunshine that FINALLY warmed me up, and then there he is, introducing himself to me, and giving me a gift.
He went to the nearby grocery store and picked up a novelty cat that says “Happy Halloween- giggle giggle giggle” when you squeeze it’s head, not prepared in any way- just wrapped in a plastic bag with the tag still on it. Yeah, he did. It was cute- cheesy but cute. He says he felt a “spark” between us. Yeah- I don’t feel it.
Is he a nice guy? So far he seems to be. Is he trying too hard to get my approval? I think so. Was his unexpected visit welcomed? No. I personally hate it when I get visitors at work- I feel like it puts me on the spot, especially when I’m on break- I only have a half hour to spend by myself, trying to chill out so I can get back to another five to six hours of work, but I have to spend it feeling like I need to entertain you because you drove all the way across town just to see me and give me a stuffed cat.
Do NOT get me wrong- he didn’t have to get me anything, and I know this. And the fact that he went out of his way to do so must mean that he really is trying, right? But all the same- I grew up under the thought that if you’re going to give someone something it should mean something to the person that you’re giving it to. And the preparation is key. Thought and caring should go into the way the gift is presented. I’m not saying you have to put all this money into putting it in a box, wrapping it up and everything. What I am saying is that there should be at least a hint of creativity and attempt instead of putting it in a plastic grocery bag and simply saying “Here. I got this for you at the grocery store twenty yards from where you work.”
Ugh. I am just digging myself into a hole. Look- I appreciated his attempt, but his visit left me uncomfortable and I felt guilty accepting the gift. I don’t know why I felt guilty. I just felt so dirty accepting it, as if I had committed some horrible crime by taking it. On the way back to my office, I felt disgusted with myself that I had taken it. I didn’t want to look at it, because I just didn’t want it taunting me “You owe him something now. You have to give him something now that you accepted me. Happy Halloween- giggle giggle giggle.” I so didn’t want that. So I showed it to my team members, and B fell in love with it. So I gave it to her. I know, afterwords I feel like the biggest bitch for giving away something that someone had specifically bought for me, but I honestly couldn’t tolerate myself keeping it. What was I supposed to do? I can’t not accept it without looking like a bitch, and I can’t keep it without feeling like a whore. So I gave it away and now I feel like a shallow bitchy whore- the worst kind of bitch and whore hybrid.
I just can’t win. I guess his showing up just kind of threw me off guard, and hit me wrong. I’m not comfortable with it. Therefore I’m going to stop it.
ANYWAY. On to something less depressing, before I finally end this entry and call it a day.
I know what I want for my birthday, but it will probably be something I will never get.
For my 21st birthday, I want to spend the day with the following people (in alphabetical order):
Jon-Boy
Krys
Martha
Those are the people that I want to see on my birthday. I haven’t seen Jon in forever, and haven’t spoken to him in a month. I feel completely responsible because I wasn’t as good a girlfriend to Jon’s friend MP. I wish I was, that way I could have at least made him half as happy as he had made me. I think if I had kept my hospitalization a secret maybe things would have been different, and MP wouldn’t have freaked out and avoided me for over a month. That’s at least what I have lead myself to believe. But, in a positive turn of events, if it hadn’t worked out between us MP would have never have gotten together with his current girlfriend, who I hear is good for him. And that actually makes me very happy to hear. I always did enjoy a happy ending, even if it isn’t my own.
OK. Time to finish up this work, then to go to the library and post this entry, and THEN I can go home, clean myself up, and hit the hay.
Later taters.
Maybe I’m too dependent on people. Maybe in that case everyone is too dependent upon each other.
I don’t feel like working today. I feel like going home and staying in bed until I’m perfect, whereupon I will rise out of bed (with no need for a shower because my hair will be clean and I would be smelling great, I will not need makeup as my face will be radiant, and there would be an abundance of cigarettes for me that don’t smell or cause cancer).
It’s a time like this that I miss Virginia the most: walking to classes, with the day seeming so bright and promising amidst a gloomy sky. Then spending time with Krys and Kim at the Waffle House studying, stressing about papers and finals, but otherwise enjoying the company of one another, and then retreating to our abodes sleeping on vinyl mattresses thinking about how we’re ever going to survive in a world such as this.
Ugh I hate this. Why can’t these girls be down the street from me?!?! Why I can’t be a few minutes away from them?! I often feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving Lynchburg, because nothing seems to be getting better for me. I miss my friends more than ever, I miss the campus, I miss the annoying teachers, I miss the HORRIBLE caf food, I miss the WaHo people that seemed to enrich my life, I miss the fun times. I miss the only stress in my life being schoolwork. Now my stressors are moving out of my parent’s house, and having enough money to pay my bills and survive.
My GOD do I need a cigarette. I haven’t had one since Friday, and it’s now Tuesday. I never realized how heavy a smoker I was until now, when just a couple of days go by I’m FLIPPING out by not having any nicotine. I haven’t started shaking or anything, but my stomach hurts, nothing tastes right anymore, my nose is runny, and I’m edgier than hell- on top of the panic attack someone almost gave me when they started massaging my shoulders just a couple of minutes ago.
I just wanna pick up my stuff and go down to Lynchburg.
Guess what I just came across?
Welcome to the online Farmacy world!
Great pirces for bestsllers:
V1agra
C1al1s
Xana-X
Val|um
Fr.EE worldwide sh|p.ping. Great support.
ODRER N0W!
Yes, that’s right- someone totally sent this to me- grammatical and spelling errors included from a “Sporky86”.
Along with me (sporkless), other recipients include:
“Sporklover”, “sporkman”, “sporkmanx”, “sporkpimp”, “sporks97”, “sporksis”, “sporko”, and “sporkofsouthpark”
Totally made me feel better- for like a minute.
And then this came into my inbox today (although I’m only providing an excerpt):
I look at karma differently than you and some other folks. See if you can understand this, Karma is about deeds and if the deeds are such that they extend and share pleasures, without hurting anyone, I think they are fine. Though there are chances of people getting hurt, which then becomes the responsibility of the doer. If it's for personal gratification where no one would know, I feel that some pleasure for personal gratification is ok if it's in moderation and controlled.
Yep- it’s from the random guy again. We’ve began e-mailing more frequently, as you can tell. I rather enjoy talking to this man. There’s nothing wrong with talking to a guy who’s in a relationship, that has children from two women he’s never married, and that still wants something on the side. Can someone say “PLAYER”?
OK. Now this brings up a topic of Karma: what constitutes the coming around going around? Do you agree with what this man is saying or not, and why? I’d really like some feedback on this, as I hope these questions for debate that I’m slowly bringing up to bring some sort of meaning to my life (which at this current point in time has virtually no meaning).
I say that Karma goes like this: you do something positive, you get something positive back. You do something negative, you get something negative back. Ergo- what goes around, comes around.
In this case, said guy (IMO and form what he’s told me; and I have the e-mails to prove it) has these two lady friends. Both of whom he’s had relationships with. The first one he had children with, and then left for the second woman that he then had children with (the quantity with each woman I don’t know, so I went ahead and made it plural- chalk one up for assumption). But he remains (so he says) close friends with the first one. He likes the relationship he’s currently in, and has made it clear that he does not want to leave it. All the while- he wants spice in his life. Excitement, if you will.
Am I immature for seeing this as cheating? He says that both of these women are “strong and independent” and can leave him at any time they wish.
I’m sorry- but in my most humble (and he can view it as naive) opinion, these women are BLIND. They are involved with a man that does not intend to settle down at all (because he was not “allowed the opportunity to date as an adolescent like the other boys his age”- this probably means that his social development in reference to how to treat women as people and not as “something on the side” is crippled).
Who knows- maybe this guy missed the “Relationship Train” completely. Maybe one’s brain fully develops to understand the fundamental complexity of a relationship in adolescence (the time period he said he was encouraged to “stay away from girls”), and once you pass that period- you have a harder time grasping what a real relationship is about. Maybe the theory that it’s much MUCH easier for us to learn when we’re younger is actual fact- instead of gaining educational knowledge, however, we are trying to learn Social Knowledge.
Hm- this gives me an idea for an essay- maybe even a book.
I know he’s reading all of this. He makes it a point to read my journal. That’s fine. Get mad at me for writing all of this down. I find it better to write this all down and get it out of my system rather than sit at my desk FUMING about it and letting it plague my mind. I went through that with Rob, where it started out as friends, then progressed to a rape, moving on to “something on the side” that I tried to get out of but still kept getting roped into, moving on to an infatuation, and then now at it’s final stages- where he is STALKING AND HARRASSING MY BEST FRIEND because she hates his guts for what he did to me. So pardon my language, but fuck you- I’ll write what I feel in my journal, uncensored, as the thoughts LITERALLY come pouring out of my head.
Anyway. Ponder on that, and get back to me. I’d love some feedback, everyone.
I’ve been thinking a lot about writing books. I have a couple of ideas in mind (one I just thought of now as I write this entry).
1- To write an account of living with Bi-Polar Disorder, much in the fashion of The Diary of Anne Frank- same physical structure of a diary, but discussing what a Bi-Polar person goes through, thinks, feels, how they literally see the world. The diary would start from early adolescence, then progress to late teens (when the disease usually triggers), through diagnosis, up to the trials of keeping up with medication and proper treatment (which is very VERY costly). I would of course discuss how a “common person” would cope with this disorder, as not everyone has the financial means to acquire the treatment they so desperately need- like me. I would base the book on occurrences of my life mostly (since that’s what I’ve lived), and throw in additional situations from people who are just like me (I’m searching the internet for Bi-Polar Support Groups and Message Boards so that I can gain some connections with people like me).
2- The other idea for a book was to write an account (fictional, of course, since I lack the proper credentials to list it as non-fiction IMO) on dating- the development of it in our minds, the social and moral ideals, and how juveniles, teens and adults perceive dating (to give an idea as to how dating and our views on relationships change as we age). I want to gain a spectrum of opinions on what people think dating is, along with getting the opinions of some relationship specialists to try and get the understanding of what a relationship really is, and why everyone thinks of them differently.
What do you guys think?!?! :-D This is one of those things that makes me excited just thinking about doing it. And it’s one of those things that I’ve wanted to do since I was a little girl (write books, I mean). It couldn’t hurt to try something new and exciting- Could it? I mean- I’m not expecting it to hit the Bestsellers List or to win a Pulitzer, but it would at least be a conversation starter to say “I’ve been published”- right?
OK. So I just got back from lunch, and the Hi5 guy randomly shows up. Just- BAM- there he is. He apparently got off work early and decided to come surprise me- oh, I was surprised alright. I was just walking around the office building outside, enjoying the sunshine that FINALLY warmed me up, and then there he is, introducing himself to me, and giving me a gift.
He went to the nearby grocery store and picked up a novelty cat that says “Happy Halloween- giggle giggle giggle” when you squeeze it’s head, not prepared in any way- just wrapped in a plastic bag with the tag still on it. Yeah, he did. It was cute- cheesy but cute. He says he felt a “spark” between us. Yeah- I don’t feel it.
Is he a nice guy? So far he seems to be. Is he trying too hard to get my approval? I think so. Was his unexpected visit welcomed? No. I personally hate it when I get visitors at work- I feel like it puts me on the spot, especially when I’m on break- I only have a half hour to spend by myself, trying to chill out so I can get back to another five to six hours of work, but I have to spend it feeling like I need to entertain you because you drove all the way across town just to see me and give me a stuffed cat.
Do NOT get me wrong- he didn’t have to get me anything, and I know this. And the fact that he went out of his way to do so must mean that he really is trying, right? But all the same- I grew up under the thought that if you’re going to give someone something it should mean something to the person that you’re giving it to. And the preparation is key. Thought and caring should go into the way the gift is presented. I’m not saying you have to put all this money into putting it in a box, wrapping it up and everything. What I am saying is that there should be at least a hint of creativity and attempt instead of putting it in a plastic grocery bag and simply saying “Here. I got this for you at the grocery store twenty yards from where you work.”
Ugh. I am just digging myself into a hole. Look- I appreciated his attempt, but his visit left me uncomfortable and I felt guilty accepting the gift. I don’t know why I felt guilty. I just felt so dirty accepting it, as if I had committed some horrible crime by taking it. On the way back to my office, I felt disgusted with myself that I had taken it. I didn’t want to look at it, because I just didn’t want it taunting me “You owe him something now. You have to give him something now that you accepted me. Happy Halloween- giggle giggle giggle.” I so didn’t want that. So I showed it to my team members, and B fell in love with it. So I gave it to her. I know, afterwords I feel like the biggest bitch for giving away something that someone had specifically bought for me, but I honestly couldn’t tolerate myself keeping it. What was I supposed to do? I can’t not accept it without looking like a bitch, and I can’t keep it without feeling like a whore. So I gave it away and now I feel like a shallow bitchy whore- the worst kind of bitch and whore hybrid.
I just can’t win. I guess his showing up just kind of threw me off guard, and hit me wrong. I’m not comfortable with it. Therefore I’m going to stop it.
ANYWAY. On to something less depressing, before I finally end this entry and call it a day.
I know what I want for my birthday, but it will probably be something I will never get.
For my 21st birthday, I want to spend the day with the following people (in alphabetical order):
Jon-Boy
Krys
Martha
Those are the people that I want to see on my birthday. I haven’t seen Jon in forever, and haven’t spoken to him in a month. I feel completely responsible because I wasn’t as good a girlfriend to Jon’s friend MP. I wish I was, that way I could have at least made him half as happy as he had made me. I think if I had kept my hospitalization a secret maybe things would have been different, and MP wouldn’t have freaked out and avoided me for over a month. That’s at least what I have lead myself to believe. But, in a positive turn of events, if it hadn’t worked out between us MP would have never have gotten together with his current girlfriend, who I hear is good for him. And that actually makes me very happy to hear. I always did enjoy a happy ending, even if it isn’t my own.
OK. Time to finish up this work, then to go to the library and post this entry, and THEN I can go home, clean myself up, and hit the hay.
Later taters.