(no subject)
i have a midterm tomorrow.
i could be studying.
i could be showering.
i could be sleeping or picking up the assortment of things that do not belong to me that are scattered all over the living room and arranging them in a neat pile in the room of the person they most likely do belong to.
instead i am...
being cryptic?
philadelphia _ _ _ _ _ society.
and last spring.
and secret study spot.
and lit-up photos of turtles (but not really because that has nothing to do with it.)
but maybe it does, i remember loving life on turtle day and loving the dark silhouette of things above the river and being childishly impatient and getting pissed because i was being treated like a child and being confused about life and about how i fit into life and drunkenly writing in my diary at 3 am about how nothing would ever be right again and calling my dad the next day and crying and complaining about it and my pin striped skirt fit a lot tighter and i thought it was okay and thenilearnedtopretend and stay on the side and.... live calmly alongside with feelings and accept them as part of the landscape, then i learned it again and again, and wrote poems and lost touch with some people (MOLLY'S) and felt stupid and laughed at myself and also felt smart... and felt betrayed (BUS STOP) and useful but more so, wanting to be useful and falling short and being so much more useless than the use i was getting.. but still feeling used? but being a confidante the whole time, and a 2 hour lunch conversation partner, and a COMPLAINER and a disagreer and a laugher about orgo exams and CARBONIC ACID... and sidelines and SIDELINES. and pointless jealous arguments and feeling helpless and having no leverage to argue. and... friendships?
and having things in common and things in common being absolutely USELESS, and probably going by unnoticed, and making year long decisions that expired before their time was due but realizing that not really and alcohol always gets in the way and.....
reading behind the lines and writing novels and novels to read from behind the lines even though they weren't really there...
(and ripping paper and crossing lines and passioned rage at the unkind?)
and maybe, getting ready for another year of.. my life, haha
and i don't think poems have any life lessons for this.
maybe i should write one?
and frame it
but i'll never show my feelings if you first don't find in me
what you try to make in others, failing so repeatedly.
and buy a two liter container of patience powder and mix it into my coffee every morning.
speaking of, i am hiking 50 miles in 30 hours next friday. not terrified at all. but trying to jog 10 miles this thursday? or more like jog with greg on the applachian until we both start dying...
ugh i hate grades and papers and it all just gets in the way.
but yay livejournal!! <3
i could be studying.
i could be showering.
i could be sleeping or picking up the assortment of things that do not belong to me that are scattered all over the living room and arranging them in a neat pile in the room of the person they most likely do belong to.
instead i am...
being cryptic?
philadelphia _ _ _ _ _ society.
and last spring.
and secret study spot.
and lit-up photos of turtles (but not really because that has nothing to do with it.)
but maybe it does, i remember loving life on turtle day and loving the dark silhouette of things above the river and being childishly impatient and getting pissed because i was being treated like a child and being confused about life and about how i fit into life and drunkenly writing in my diary at 3 am about how nothing would ever be right again and calling my dad the next day and crying and complaining about it and my pin striped skirt fit a lot tighter and i thought it was okay and thenilearnedtopretend and stay on the side and.... live calmly alongside with feelings and accept them as part of the landscape, then i learned it again and again, and wrote poems and lost touch with some people (MOLLY'S) and felt stupid and laughed at myself and also felt smart... and felt betrayed (BUS STOP) and useful but more so, wanting to be useful and falling short and being so much more useless than the use i was getting.. but still feeling used? but being a confidante the whole time, and a 2 hour lunch conversation partner, and a COMPLAINER and a disagreer and a laugher about orgo exams and CARBONIC ACID... and sidelines and SIDELINES. and pointless jealous arguments and feeling helpless and having no leverage to argue. and... friendships?
and having things in common and things in common being absolutely USELESS, and probably going by unnoticed, and making year long decisions that expired before their time was due but realizing that not really and alcohol always gets in the way and.....
reading behind the lines and writing novels and novels to read from behind the lines even though they weren't really there...
(and ripping paper and crossing lines and passioned rage at the unkind?)
and maybe, getting ready for another year of.. my life, haha
and i don't think poems have any life lessons for this.
maybe i should write one?
and frame it
but i'll never show my feelings if you first don't find in me
what you try to make in others, failing so repeatedly.
and buy a two liter container of patience powder and mix it into my coffee every morning.
speaking of, i am hiking 50 miles in 30 hours next friday. not terrified at all. but trying to jog 10 miles this thursday? or more like jog with greg on the applachian until we both start dying...
ugh i hate grades and papers and it all just gets in the way.
but yay livejournal!! <3