(no subject)
i feel... like i'm going to waste away. i'm not used to this. when i date someone, i'm used to their full attention. not this blatant disregard for my emotional well-being. he says that we'll talk. he claims that we'll sit down and talk like we used to, talk for hours. about important things, or about eachother. hell, i wouldn't care if we talked about nothing important at all. i just want to be near him. i just want to hear his voice every once in a while. i want him to keep his word. our relationship isn't the thing spinning out of control; i think i am. i don't know how to handle this. i don't know what to feel or how to think. i'm so upset that he won't keep his word. i'm enraged that i'm upset. i'm angry at myself for letting myself get depressed. i seriously think i'm being more menstrual than normal. i feel like calling him right now and telling him how i feel, but i feel like me having these emotions is so wrong. i'm so happy when i get to talk to him. i'm so happy that i can't bring myself to read him the riot act. i'm being melodramatic. i should calm down. i should be able to handle this; i should be fine. HE should try to understand where i'm coming from. he should try to be there for me. he shouldn't procrastinate so much. i wish i had the intelligence to tell him all this, tell him all these things i don't even really feel. i want him to know how much this beats me up. i must sound so mushy. that FUCKING nickname! i didn't ask for it, but he calls me by that name and i do nothing. this is his fault. everything is his fault. i hate being treated like this. i hate treating myself like this. it's like i have this effigy of him in my head, that i burn every time he does something that pisses me off, but really shouldn't piss me off at all. i feel like i'm burning down all these imaginary bridges in my mind, all these things that don't actually exist. things i made up to give myself security, and confidence, and now they're disappearing, because i get angry and think that these things that were merely figments of my pathetic, delusioned mind will make something happen if i tear them down violently. i make it look like he does everything wrong, and he has neglected me. well, he has.. hasn't he? he should have paid more attention. i know now that i couldn't ever break up with him. he'd have to be the one to do it. i don't know if he thinks that way. i don't think anything like that is about to happen. i wish he'd just be open. i wish he'd be a person of his word, and talk to me when he says he will, or call me when he says he will, or make things up to me when he claims he will. i feel like screaming at him. i feel like screaming at myself for wanting to scream at him. i feel like screaming at him for making me want to scream at him. i feel like punching judde for trying to brag, over one game. i feel like screaming at nick for having a fat head, and living in the same house as me. i feel like telling him what i'm really thinking. i feel like drowning in the bath tub for getting so attached. i feel like hiding in my bed for being so young, and vulnerable, and inexperienced, and ill-suited for someone his age. fuck. i feel too much. fuck these feelings. i managed to finally simplify things: i'ma dumb bitch who cares too much and thinks that a passionate, intimate, intellectual relationship is something that i can acheive (fuck if i care about how to spell that damn word) with him. *hits head on keyboard* i need chocolate and lifetime movies. i need a purpose. i need to stop going to school just because i hope to see him afterwards. i need to get a mouse that doesn't stop screwing up all my photoshop stuff. i should stop puting so much shitty emotion into these posts. i take up you guys' friends' page space, and take up your time.