MONDAY: You Want Me Too, Don't You?

[rokofages]

There's that post-vacation fatigue lingering in the air when Brian gets to school. The halls are filled with sad, tired faces and people looking listlessly out the windows like they're already longing for the four days of freedom they've just left behind

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[detentionkid]

The pulsing in AJ's head has died down a little, but -- it's like that was the only thing keeping him afloat, and now he's underwater. Everything is muted, just shadows and quiet around him. It should be exactly what he's looking for.

And then there's a hand on his arm, and AJ breaks the surface. It takes a second, but then Brian's right there, watching him with worry on his face so sharp it cuts through the fog in AJ's brain. He breathes for what feels like the first time all morning.

"AJ," Brian says again. "What's going on?"

Brian is so warm, and all AJ wants to do is close his eyes and ask if Brian will take him home. But they're here to talk; they're going to talk, and then -- AJ doesn't know what comes at the end of that sentence. "M'fine," he makes himself say, and shifts against the wall, just enough to dislodge Brian's hand, before he changes his mind. They're so close he can see the split second of hurt register on Brian's face, and there's the threat of a rising tide all over again.

"Sorry," AJ mumbles, and doesn't know what he's apologizing for. For putting that look on Brian's face, or texting him in the first place. For not being able to get his shit together. He folds his arms around himself, fingers digging into his skin, and tries not to go under again. "M'just - need to talk. To you."

[rokofages]

"You-" Brian starts, but falters straight away. Nothing about what AJ is saying or what he looks like is making that knot of worry ease up, and his hand reaches out again instinctively. But it stops in mid-motion, fingers curling uncertainly in against his palm. "Okay," he says eventually, without taking his eyes off AJ. He doesn't need to ask why, or what about. "Okay, let's-"

His head whips around when the door to Kevin's office opens.

[bassintraining]

"Good morning, Brian," Lance says, although his eyes flit towards AJ halfway through. Brian's backpack is slung over one shoulder and is nearly falling off entirely, but it doesn't look like he's noticed. He stares at Lance in confusion, then at AJ with a level of worry that makes Lance feel, for a split second, like he's walking in on something private. His hand is halted in mid-air towards AJ's arm, and AJ's hugging himself hard and staring at the ground.

"Go on ahead," he says to AJ. Without saying anything, without even looking up at either of them, AJ pushes off the wall and walks past them into the office. Once he's inside, Lance checks on him quickly before he steps into the hallway and leaves the door open a hair's width ajar behind them. "Everything's all right," he tells Brian very quietly.

[rokofages]

Brian's eyes have gone wide. All he wants is to get past Lance and go be with AJ again, even if it's just to sit there in complete silence. And why is Lance here? "I don't understand," he says helplessly.

[bassintraining]

"I'll explain everything in a second," Lance says, keeping his voice low. "He wants to talk to you, but he's - struggling. I got some water in him before we came here, so that should help." He fixes Brian with an intent gaze. "Keep trying to reach out," he murmurs. "He needs to stay grounded, and that seems to help." Brian's eyes are big and his mouth hangs slightly open in a question he doesn't seem to know how to ask. Lance doesn't know Brian all that well, but he puts a hand on his shoulder anyway. "He'll be fine," he says, because no one here should have to doubt his control of the situation. "I promise you I've got this."

Brian blinks a few times, then gives a faint nod. Lance steps aside to let Brian through, then follows him inside. He hasn't changed anything about Kevin's office set-up - AJ's sitting on the couch, and thankfully, without any prompting, Brian goes to to sit next to him. Lance takes the armchair that's closest to AJ, and leans forward with his elbows propped on his knees.

"I don't normally let students skip classes," he tells them both, raising a pointed eyebrow. AJ raises his head to look at him, and Lance watches him for a second before he continues. "But I've talked to Kevin, and we both agreed that just this once, we'll let it slip." He stands up quickly to grab the water pitcher he'd found, along with some plastic cups. "Brian, AJ has some things he'd like to talk to you about," he continues in that same, even tone that doesn't leave any room for interruptions or questions. "I offered to be here in case you need an impartial third party. We've done this before, you know the drill." He sits back down and levels Brian with another firm look. "But only if you're okay with it, Brian. This only happens with consent from both of you. Are you all right with me being here?"

[rokofages]

"Um." Brian looks at them both, then nods again. Twenty minutes ago he was walking into school with every intention of just having a normal, ordinary day. "Yeah," he says, watching AJ again. "I'm okay with it."

[bassintraining]

"Okay, good." Lance watches AJ again as well. Two sets of eyes on him, and he's watching the floor again. Lance reaches out to briefly squeeze his forearm. "AJ?" he prompts, not unkindly.

[detentionkid]

AJ shudders at the contact, but it makes him raise his head. He's so tired that it's only a brief second before he lets it hang again, but it's enough time for him to register the way Brian's watching him, intense and confused and so, so worried, and something twists sharp and hot in his chest.

You're not just hurting yourself right now.

AJ opens his mouth, but his breath catches on an exhale. The last thing he wants is to hurt Brian, but it all feels so big and so hopeless, and he feels like he's running on empty.

You should talk to him about it.

AJ doesn't even know where to start. For all the years he's spent learning the taste and feel of other people's words in his mouth, he's never learned how to find his own.

Just - try to stay in the moment.

"AJ," he hears Lance say, but it comes from somewhere else, somewhere beyond the noise and the water, and then there's a hand on his arm and--

If you don't figure it out, they leave, right?

--it's always so loud.

"Can't make it stop." It feels like it bursts out of him, but his voice is so quiet. "The noise. S'like - like m'swimming." He stops, shakes his head a little. "No, not - m'treading water. And there's so much noise. Everywhere. But -- s'quiet underwater. S'nothing there. S'no one. So... sometimes s'just easier to stop. Swimming." That's not really... he doesn't choose to stop. It's just - sometimes the tide rises and drags him under, and he can't fight it. But if he waits it out, he usually makes it back to the surface, and it's like someone's hit the reset button and he can handle the noise again. But it's been harder and harder to make it back, and when he does everything is just as loud as it was before. He doesn't know how to explain that. "Sorry. I know s'not helpful. M'trying. M'just - m'tired." It's so weak an excuse that AJ flinches just saying the words, tucking his arms around himself again as he presses a fist against his eyes. "Sorry."

[rokofages]

Brian turns so he's sitting cross-legged on the couch, facing AJ's profile. He doesn't know how to do this, how to watch AJ crumble like this, and just sit there quietly while it happens. His eyes are attentive. "This has been coming on for a while, huh?" he asks softly, and all he can think about is weeks of AJ curling in on himself and away from him. "Is that - when you disappear, is that why? Because you stop for a while?" His gaze travels over AJ, who's still sitting there with his fists pressed to his eyes. He's mindful of Lance being in the room, and his eyes flit over uncertainly for a second, but he still puts a hand on AJ's shoulder and rubs very lightly with his thumb. "Is it getting worse because of me?" he asks, and it's not anything but an honest question. He just wants to know.

[detentionkid]

AJ lets his hand drop as he turns to Brian, blinking his eyes open to look at him for the first time today. Everything disappears when Brian touches him, the noise and the water, and it feels so good, feels better than it should, and if he had any energy left to care his heart would already be pounding just thinking about what it'll be like when Brian lets go. But for right now, like the rising tide, AJ can't make himself fight it.

"No," AJ says finally, fingers flexing where they're still curled against his body. Brian tilts his head, and AJ looks away. "Maybe. But - s'not you. S'just - sometimes people get too close, and my head just..." He worries at his lower lip, then shrugs a little, helplessly. Brian's hand follow the movement. "S'the first time s'not getting better."

[bassintraining]

"We've talked about this before," Lance says. Brian's the only one who looks up at him. "Me and AJ. The whole concept of whether being alone and independent is better than letting people get close and risking getting hurt. It can be a big question for some people, even if it's not for others."

[rokofages]

"Okay," Brian says, very quietly. He wets his lips, and tries not to think about where this is heading. "I'm - still not sure I understand." He hasn't stopped sweeping his thumb back and forth on AJ's shoulder when he turns to him again. "Are we here because this," he gestures between them, and takes a deep breath, "is too hard or - do you not want to-?"

[detentionkid]

"I'm--" AJ starts, then falters. He looks down at his lap and tries to think, but his head is quieter than he remembers it being in a while, and it feels dangerously heavy, already cloudy with exhaustion. He wants this. The one thing he's always known is how much he wants this. But there've been so many reasons he shouldn't. When he looks up again, he's already listing into Brian's side. His first thought is to straighten up, but Brian doesn't seem to mind, is just watching AJ with uncertain, worried eyes, and AJ doesn't think he can move away. "Always want to. S'just - Howie said--"

AJ stops, biting off the rest of that sentence. There's a sudden tightness in his chest, but it's nothing like before. Instinct is telling him to move away, to keep some perspective, but Brian's hand is so warm, and Howie's voice is so quiet here. He curls his fingers into the fabric of the couch as he lets out a ragged breath. "M'not trying to... s'just - think m'out of options."

[bassintraining]

"You're not," Lance says, before AJ can spiral any further down that particular path of self-destruction. They'll get to that. Right now though, he's watching Brian. There's been a minute change to the line of his shoulders in the last couple of minutes, somewhere in-between the mention of Howie's name and that fatalistic ending to AJ's sentence. Lance drums his fingers just once against the arm of his chair. "What made you think that AJ was ending things?" he asks curiously.

[rokofages]

Caught off guard, Brian blinks. "I don't know," he says. His limbs feel oddly stiff when he shrugs. "I'm not sure."

[bassintraining]

"Yes you are," Lance counters, frowning. He sits up straight in his seat. "Both of you. This is it, okay? It's gone on for long enough. As long as you're honest with each other, we'll figure this out one way or another. But we might as well all leave right now and not waste any more time if you're not here to say what you're really thinking."