I'm like the FCC, I got shit covered.
Alright haven't updated much lately. Yet again. Mostly because if I'm not working I'm out partying or some shit.
I actually got to visit Redding for 12 hours on the 29th. It was fucking great. I really wish I didn't smoke all that weed though. I barely remember shit.
I got to see the one girl that means more to me than anyone else: Lacy. I don't care who knows it. Ever since I first met that girl I knew no one else could compare to her. Maybe that's why I can't deal with some of these bitches I met in the bay. I dunno. She seems to complete me in ways no one else could. And I've never even kissed her.
The thing is, I dunno if it was because I was stoned outta my mind, or the fact that she didn't like the new me, but she didn't really talk to me at all. In fact, I don't really remember having dialogue come out of her mouth directed towards me. What did I do wrong? Did she change the way she felt? Did she not like the new me?
I swear to god, half of me says this last year has straightened me out, but the other half says this last year has fucked me up beyond repair. Was I fine the way I used to be? Is it really me, or is it those who knew who I WAS and are comparing my new self to the past? How DIFFERENT would things be if I came back up there, with the newfound Kaz? Would they accept me or push me away? Would they love me more or less? How would things change?
I haven't really gave it much thought until tonight. It worries me. I knew going back up there to see everyone I loved would haunt me to move back up there and make this decision this fucking tough again. After a solid year of not seeing the people who raised you, who loved you, the ones who stuck by you and vice versa no matter who was fucking up over what.... It just makes it difficult.
Don't get me wrong. I relinked friendships with people out here who are in fact some of the coolest mutherfuckers I've ever met. If I could have it my way, I'd have my click out here move up with me to Redding, strictly because I know everyone would get along because they're all almost the same.
The thing is, I can't get what I want. No matter how much it hurts. And honestly, after seeing and dealing with all the problems the Bay has to offer now that it didn't have as much back then, I see I made a mistake wanting to come back so badly. I've seen so much that I didn't want to see or have to put up with in general. Mainly in the ghetto ass community. Up in Redding, NONE of that shit happens. The most we'd have to deal with is some redneck begging you for change so he could get drunk. And he wouldn't fucking JUMP you for it.
I'm sorry if this sounds like the most racist thing ever, but I gotta say this:
To the black community: If you really want to stop being opressed, stop feeling like the outsiders, then QUIT WITH THIS FUCKING "OH I GOTTA BE A FUCKIN BOSS" BULLSHIT. IT SOLVES NOTHING. NOT A FUCKING THING. I'M FUCKING SICK OF WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH THESE FUCKING THUGGED OUT KIDS TRYING TO START SHIT WHEN I'M ON MY WAY TO WORK AT 7 IN THE MORNING. GET A FUCKING LIFE, GET A FUCKING JOB AND START MAKING YOUR OWN MONEY. I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyways, back to my point. Redding is the fucking boondocks. I know this. It's full of Rednecks. But now I know that NOTHING is worse than these fucking ghetto hyphy kids on every fucking block. I can't hang out in public by myself anymore strictly because I'm white and I don't dress like a fucking wigger. I have to fucking watch my back cuz I don't have a car to get myself to work everyday. I can't fucking walk to the store because some punk ass bitch is gonna hit me up for my money. The money I actually WORKED for. Redding was chill. If you had a car, you could find something to do, find people to hang out with, and not worry about having your windows busted or your stereo stolen.
I dunno what's happening yet. Come January Donny's gonna be yet another roommate (total of four including myself), and rent will be about 250 a month each. Once Donny gets promoted and gets a new car he's gonna sell me his 86 nissan for 400 bucks, that's including after he gets it repaired. Whether or not I get my ass the fuck outta here after that is all on me. But both situations seem good for the most part. Living in Concord, I've started digging myself outta this four-year hole I've buried myself in. Ever since I ran away.
Goddamn it seems alot longer than that.
Ok, onto other things. I hate ex girlfriends. They're just fucking retarded. Some are worth keeping friendships with, but they are VERY FEW and far between. So far the only one I consider worth talking to is Brittany. ALMOST every other girl I regrettebly dated however are fucking idiots who need to be slapped. I'm sick of this shit.
Starbucks is awesome. Been working there for a month now, and it's the greatest job I've had. Everyone there is awesome, it's a huge chain so in 6 months i'm almost guaranteed a transfer anywhere in the US, I can get benefits after 90 days, and the pay is pretty fucking decent, considering I don't really ever get over 30 hours a week. Tonight i was one of the four people to decorate for the Christmas season. It was fuckin fun. My manager just recently got into this new job title though and hella people are giving her shit no matter how hard she's working her fucking ass off. Poor girl. She's the coolest manager I've had and she's getting the most grief for no real reason. Wish I could do something, but I'm just a simple barista.
I dunno why, but I'm psyched about becoming a certified Barista. I used to diss ANYONE who went to starbucks cuz it was the trendy thing to do at that time, but now that I got into it it's really not so bad. Maybe it's just that I changed who I am and I'm not so closed-minded, or the fact that it's like crack, but Starbucks is awesome :D.
I'm fucking PSYCHED about getting the new nintendo wii on the 19th. Me and Donny are prolly gonna be camping out in front of circuit city the day before it comes out (hopefully if I get the day off), that way we can pick it up since they're not having any reserves for it. Plus I have FF3 on reserve for the DS and that comes out on the 15th, so I'll have something hella badass to entertain me till I can fuckin rock the new Zelda game :D
Still haven't talked to my parents. It's a little depressing, especially around these holidays. I've tried calling both of them, but they don't answer. My mom is a trailer park white trash internet whore, and my dad is a self-obsessed tightwad asshole who thinks he owns the damn world. Perfect pair. WHY THE FUCK DO I MISS THEM?
I dunno, it's probably not really a "missing" situation. It's more like... No matter if they raised me or not, which I really believe they didn't after I was 6, they were the people I had to see everyday, whether I wanted to or not. They did tell me things that were true though. They both said I'd regret growing up someday. I do. I didn't realize what they meant till I finally hit rock bottom, but the point got across.
But at the same time, if they were such great parents, how could they drop me so fast? My dad just kept pushing me to do things I didn't want to do and beat the shit outta me if I failed, and my mom was just a drunken bitch who would be SO goddamn immature that whenever I decided I didn't want to argue and calmly left the room, SHE would be the one breaking shit and throwing tantrums. I can honestly admit this without being concieted, but I have grown up to be better than both of these people. Despite my flaws (i'm not perfect, I know. GOD am I not perfect), I have turned out way better than Tracy Stoller and Bob Zuelzke could ever be. I guess deep down I knew I didn't wanna be like either of them, and right when I knew that I did whatever it took to change so I wouldn't grow up to be like that.
Wow. Just typing that I kinda had an epiphany. It just really hit me about what happened. They didn't drop me. I dropped them. I've probably admitted that before, but I never realized what the words meant. They didn't give up on me. They never disowned me. I disowned THEM. I knew I didn't need them and I knew they did nothing but hurt me. I. FUCKING. LEFT. THEM. BEHIND. Despite what has happened to me, I know that I could've turned out a HELLOFALOT worse if I stayed around either of them. With my dad I was a pansy ass that couldn't even kiss a girl cuz I knew my dad would find out and beat me for "fucking up my future thinking about girls". And with my mom I was nothing but an angry kid who would become so emo every night that he would just drink his problems away and take medication drugs hoping he could overdose and die in his sleep just so he wouldn't wake up to feel miserable anymore as he did everyday.
I've really been about 3-4 people since I was 15. Fucking nuts.
Anyways, it's fucking 3:30 in the morning, and I'm fucking exhausted. I just had to get alot of shit off my chest, and if you read through this whole fucking post, bravo. You're awesome ^_^
I actually got to visit Redding for 12 hours on the 29th. It was fucking great. I really wish I didn't smoke all that weed though. I barely remember shit.
I got to see the one girl that means more to me than anyone else: Lacy. I don't care who knows it. Ever since I first met that girl I knew no one else could compare to her. Maybe that's why I can't deal with some of these bitches I met in the bay. I dunno. She seems to complete me in ways no one else could. And I've never even kissed her.
The thing is, I dunno if it was because I was stoned outta my mind, or the fact that she didn't like the new me, but she didn't really talk to me at all. In fact, I don't really remember having dialogue come out of her mouth directed towards me. What did I do wrong? Did she change the way she felt? Did she not like the new me?
I swear to god, half of me says this last year has straightened me out, but the other half says this last year has fucked me up beyond repair. Was I fine the way I used to be? Is it really me, or is it those who knew who I WAS and are comparing my new self to the past? How DIFFERENT would things be if I came back up there, with the newfound Kaz? Would they accept me or push me away? Would they love me more or less? How would things change?
I haven't really gave it much thought until tonight. It worries me. I knew going back up there to see everyone I loved would haunt me to move back up there and make this decision this fucking tough again. After a solid year of not seeing the people who raised you, who loved you, the ones who stuck by you and vice versa no matter who was fucking up over what.... It just makes it difficult.
Don't get me wrong. I relinked friendships with people out here who are in fact some of the coolest mutherfuckers I've ever met. If I could have it my way, I'd have my click out here move up with me to Redding, strictly because I know everyone would get along because they're all almost the same.
The thing is, I can't get what I want. No matter how much it hurts. And honestly, after seeing and dealing with all the problems the Bay has to offer now that it didn't have as much back then, I see I made a mistake wanting to come back so badly. I've seen so much that I didn't want to see or have to put up with in general. Mainly in the ghetto ass community. Up in Redding, NONE of that shit happens. The most we'd have to deal with is some redneck begging you for change so he could get drunk. And he wouldn't fucking JUMP you for it.
I'm sorry if this sounds like the most racist thing ever, but I gotta say this:
To the black community: If you really want to stop being opressed, stop feeling like the outsiders, then QUIT WITH THIS FUCKING "OH I GOTTA BE A FUCKIN BOSS" BULLSHIT. IT SOLVES NOTHING. NOT A FUCKING THING. I'M FUCKING SICK OF WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH THESE FUCKING THUGGED OUT KIDS TRYING TO START SHIT WHEN I'M ON MY WAY TO WORK AT 7 IN THE MORNING. GET A FUCKING LIFE, GET A FUCKING JOB AND START MAKING YOUR OWN MONEY. I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyways, back to my point. Redding is the fucking boondocks. I know this. It's full of Rednecks. But now I know that NOTHING is worse than these fucking ghetto hyphy kids on every fucking block. I can't hang out in public by myself anymore strictly because I'm white and I don't dress like a fucking wigger. I have to fucking watch my back cuz I don't have a car to get myself to work everyday. I can't fucking walk to the store because some punk ass bitch is gonna hit me up for my money. The money I actually WORKED for. Redding was chill. If you had a car, you could find something to do, find people to hang out with, and not worry about having your windows busted or your stereo stolen.
I dunno what's happening yet. Come January Donny's gonna be yet another roommate (total of four including myself), and rent will be about 250 a month each. Once Donny gets promoted and gets a new car he's gonna sell me his 86 nissan for 400 bucks, that's including after he gets it repaired. Whether or not I get my ass the fuck outta here after that is all on me. But both situations seem good for the most part. Living in Concord, I've started digging myself outta this four-year hole I've buried myself in. Ever since I ran away.
Goddamn it seems alot longer than that.
Ok, onto other things. I hate ex girlfriends. They're just fucking retarded. Some are worth keeping friendships with, but they are VERY FEW and far between. So far the only one I consider worth talking to is Brittany. ALMOST every other girl I regrettebly dated however are fucking idiots who need to be slapped. I'm sick of this shit.
Starbucks is awesome. Been working there for a month now, and it's the greatest job I've had. Everyone there is awesome, it's a huge chain so in 6 months i'm almost guaranteed a transfer anywhere in the US, I can get benefits after 90 days, and the pay is pretty fucking decent, considering I don't really ever get over 30 hours a week. Tonight i was one of the four people to decorate for the Christmas season. It was fuckin fun. My manager just recently got into this new job title though and hella people are giving her shit no matter how hard she's working her fucking ass off. Poor girl. She's the coolest manager I've had and she's getting the most grief for no real reason. Wish I could do something, but I'm just a simple barista.
I dunno why, but I'm psyched about becoming a certified Barista. I used to diss ANYONE who went to starbucks cuz it was the trendy thing to do at that time, but now that I got into it it's really not so bad. Maybe it's just that I changed who I am and I'm not so closed-minded, or the fact that it's like crack, but Starbucks is awesome :D.
I'm fucking PSYCHED about getting the new nintendo wii on the 19th. Me and Donny are prolly gonna be camping out in front of circuit city the day before it comes out (hopefully if I get the day off), that way we can pick it up since they're not having any reserves for it. Plus I have FF3 on reserve for the DS and that comes out on the 15th, so I'll have something hella badass to entertain me till I can fuckin rock the new Zelda game :D
Still haven't talked to my parents. It's a little depressing, especially around these holidays. I've tried calling both of them, but they don't answer. My mom is a trailer park white trash internet whore, and my dad is a self-obsessed tightwad asshole who thinks he owns the damn world. Perfect pair. WHY THE FUCK DO I MISS THEM?
I dunno, it's probably not really a "missing" situation. It's more like... No matter if they raised me or not, which I really believe they didn't after I was 6, they were the people I had to see everyday, whether I wanted to or not. They did tell me things that were true though. They both said I'd regret growing up someday. I do. I didn't realize what they meant till I finally hit rock bottom, but the point got across.
But at the same time, if they were such great parents, how could they drop me so fast? My dad just kept pushing me to do things I didn't want to do and beat the shit outta me if I failed, and my mom was just a drunken bitch who would be SO goddamn immature that whenever I decided I didn't want to argue and calmly left the room, SHE would be the one breaking shit and throwing tantrums. I can honestly admit this without being concieted, but I have grown up to be better than both of these people. Despite my flaws (i'm not perfect, I know. GOD am I not perfect), I have turned out way better than Tracy Stoller and Bob Zuelzke could ever be. I guess deep down I knew I didn't wanna be like either of them, and right when I knew that I did whatever it took to change so I wouldn't grow up to be like that.
Wow. Just typing that I kinda had an epiphany. It just really hit me about what happened. They didn't drop me. I dropped them. I've probably admitted that before, but I never realized what the words meant. They didn't give up on me. They never disowned me. I disowned THEM. I knew I didn't need them and I knew they did nothing but hurt me. I. FUCKING. LEFT. THEM. BEHIND. Despite what has happened to me, I know that I could've turned out a HELLOFALOT worse if I stayed around either of them. With my dad I was a pansy ass that couldn't even kiss a girl cuz I knew my dad would find out and beat me for "fucking up my future thinking about girls". And with my mom I was nothing but an angry kid who would become so emo every night that he would just drink his problems away and take medication drugs hoping he could overdose and die in his sleep just so he wouldn't wake up to feel miserable anymore as he did everyday.
I've really been about 3-4 people since I was 15. Fucking nuts.
Anyways, it's fucking 3:30 in the morning, and I'm fucking exhausted. I just had to get alot of shit off my chest, and if you read through this whole fucking post, bravo. You're awesome ^_^