This is how a resurrection feels
So this is how a resurrection feels.
The event, the end if you will, the coping and grief. The stupid decisions and mistakes, sleepless nights and the sick feeling in your stomach that doesn't go away. The sadness and loss, and finally, after all that, acceptance and a feeling like everything's going to be ok.
I kind of haven't really dealt with everything that's been going on lately, I've just let everything escalate and added layers upon layers of issues I don't want to deal with. The operation, Pat, The evil boy. And now it feels like there's too much going on.
I can't take that decision back, all I can do is deal with it knowing that it was the right decision for me at the time and hopefully I can be forgiven. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I'm trying to find consolation in the fact that there's going to be many more difficult decisions ahead of me and that I learnt something about myself I didn't really believe before. I am strong and I am brave.
The whole issue with Pat has really thrown me though. I had just come out of a relationship, actually I was still sorta pretending to be in that relationship, and I wasn't looking for anyone and he definitely is not what I would have been looking for. He's so far from my ideal anything that it's just got me so confused. Why do I have these feelings for him. How could I have fallen so hard for someone I don't know that well, or even like for that matter?? And now that I've ruined it so totally in my drunken state, he thinks Im just this idiot kid and there's so many things I want to say to him, to tell him who I am and none of this is really me. But I don't think I'll get that chance now and the whole thing has thrown me in a really unpleasant light. I don't know how to feel about anything anymore really...
The event, the end if you will, the coping and grief. The stupid decisions and mistakes, sleepless nights and the sick feeling in your stomach that doesn't go away. The sadness and loss, and finally, after all that, acceptance and a feeling like everything's going to be ok.
I kind of haven't really dealt with everything that's been going on lately, I've just let everything escalate and added layers upon layers of issues I don't want to deal with. The operation, Pat, The evil boy. And now it feels like there's too much going on.
I can't take that decision back, all I can do is deal with it knowing that it was the right decision for me at the time and hopefully I can be forgiven. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I'm trying to find consolation in the fact that there's going to be many more difficult decisions ahead of me and that I learnt something about myself I didn't really believe before. I am strong and I am brave.
The whole issue with Pat has really thrown me though. I had just come out of a relationship, actually I was still sorta pretending to be in that relationship, and I wasn't looking for anyone and he definitely is not what I would have been looking for. He's so far from my ideal anything that it's just got me so confused. Why do I have these feelings for him. How could I have fallen so hard for someone I don't know that well, or even like for that matter?? And now that I've ruined it so totally in my drunken state, he thinks Im just this idiot kid and there's so many things I want to say to him, to tell him who I am and none of this is really me. But I don't think I'll get that chance now and the whole thing has thrown me in a really unpleasant light. I don't know how to feel about anything anymore really...