Back in NOLA again...
Well, I arrived back in NOLA, spent one night at the safe house and moved into an apartment with my new room mate the next day. It is chock full of things I have not had in so long. Simple things like new washer and dryer, a vent hood over the stove, all new kitchen appliances, and (most important) a bed that is only mine. Only mine... it's so nice to wake up in the morning and stretch out over the whole thing and just lay there and know that I can decide when I get up and if I want to jump up and be out of the house getting on with my day in under half an hour I can and I don't have to make sure anyone cums first and I don't have to make coffee unless I want it. If I go hang out with a friend for more than an hour; no one is going to yell at me. As a matter of fact, no one is going to yell at me period for anything. I don't have to worry about making sure my schedule meshes with that of a co-dependant person who can't do anything without me. I can call my friends back home and never have to get any knid of negativity over how long I stayed on the phone. I simply can; but I don't have to. I begged him to make life be that way, but it was apparently too much to ask of a person. It seems pretty fuckin' easy now:)
My first meeting to start on the "big opportunity" is Monday afternoon. I can't wait to get started on earning the keys to the kingdom. It's going to be so good and so liberating to have a big thing I am doing for myself and that I know I never would have been able to acomplish with Mr. "I need you at my side or I can't do anything". I can't wait to get started on my future. It feels great!
I actually had to encounter him the other night. I went out to meet a friend and got to hang out for a few hours before he came around. He immediatly tried to grab me. Like that was a good idea. I left he followed. Saying things like "This is my home." All the time we have been here I have had to constantly defend NOLA to him against him saying things like "This is a janky ass town", "The people here are racists and not worth a shit.", and "This will never be my home. Atlanta is my home." But, now it's HIS town. What a bunch of shit. Some more in the onslaught of verbal abuse; "Where are you staying? Is there someone else?" Because, you know, I could never do it on my own... there must be someone else. That's how much faith he has in me and he has the balls to wonder why I'm gone. Anyway, he followed us down the street and I walked by at least three people I knew saying "Please just leave me alone" and no one did anything to stop him. I guess things really are different everywhere that you go. He stopped following and when we turned to go towards my van he popped out of the dark and continued to grab me and try to talk to me. He pulled that one twice.
That was the night before last. Yesterday I tried to speak with a person who had said he wanted to remain friends with both of us. He has been in this town a long time and owns a bar and I thought that he would have some good advice on how to proceed from here as far as aviod the bullshit and pursue the dreams. His entire input was "He's all over the place, just don't come down here." and "I am about to be 40 years old and I don't need this in my life so please don't contact me anymore." Yet, he has B spinning weekly at his bar. I never would have contacted him at all had he not said that he wouldn't want to lose either of our friendships. I guess the term "friend" means something different to everyone. I was a little hurt for a second; but hey, if that's what they want, that's what they get. If you consciously choose the abuser you are consciously choosing the abuse. I hate that the community in his bar (which does *seem* to be a very community oriented place) will have to be exposed. I thought he would care about who is really being a part of that. I guess though, that I am imposing my own feelings on a situation that is not mine. I know that if this same thing were happening in one of the places or spaces that I built or was working with (especially with one of the people I have asked to be a friend not just an acquaintance) I would not stick my head in the sand. I would fear for that person, but even more I would fear for the delicate balance of what I am trying to build. That's just me, I know that I do tend to think more communaly than alot of people. That's ok. People can be whatever they want. Just like my recent dealings with Bill; it's good to know the true colors of a person so you can know that having them involved in your life would probably have not been good anyway. It's comforting to know that you are not really missing a person that exists; you are missing the idea of a person you only thought existed. So, it's ok to let it go.
However; the insinuation that I should never come to Frenchman street again is assinine. That is a whole culture of people. If he wants to say "Not at my bar" that's cool, but to say that I should no longer try to be a part of my favorite cultural sect in NOLA? What? I love the Frenchman street culture and I am just supposed to turn my back on it and let a person that I know to be an abuser have it. As if he hasn't taken enough from me? Now he gets the best part of NOLA? What? Furthermore, what did they do to deserve that?
So, anyway, B has made it abundantly clear that I can't have a life anywhere in his near vacinity. I tried to say you can have the whole world that is at least five feet away from me. I thought that was pretty giving, I mean that's pretty much the whole world. I am trying to be as non-dramatic as possible. I want to go out and tell the whole world the past I have found out about him and try to tell them to save themselves; but I'm not. I am giving him the benefit of not telling anyone the TRUTH about him so that he can carry on a normal life and this is what I get in return. I should get a great big thank you instead I receive the expectation that I should not have a life in this town or pursue my dreams... HA! Whatever.
I can do it without that faction of people or that three blocks of existence. I came here to do good for NOLA and I will. If her actual people are going to be my hurdles then so be it. I knew there had to be some somewhere; that's just not where I expected them.
There's bullshit everywhere and in every situation you just have to be able to smell it out and avoid getting it on your shoes as you navigate the obstacle course that we call life.
The beautiful part? I'm still not having any drama:)
My first meeting to start on the "big opportunity" is Monday afternoon. I can't wait to get started on earning the keys to the kingdom. It's going to be so good and so liberating to have a big thing I am doing for myself and that I know I never would have been able to acomplish with Mr. "I need you at my side or I can't do anything". I can't wait to get started on my future. It feels great!
I actually had to encounter him the other night. I went out to meet a friend and got to hang out for a few hours before he came around. He immediatly tried to grab me. Like that was a good idea. I left he followed. Saying things like "This is my home." All the time we have been here I have had to constantly defend NOLA to him against him saying things like "This is a janky ass town", "The people here are racists and not worth a shit.", and "This will never be my home. Atlanta is my home." But, now it's HIS town. What a bunch of shit. Some more in the onslaught of verbal abuse; "Where are you staying? Is there someone else?" Because, you know, I could never do it on my own... there must be someone else. That's how much faith he has in me and he has the balls to wonder why I'm gone. Anyway, he followed us down the street and I walked by at least three people I knew saying "Please just leave me alone" and no one did anything to stop him. I guess things really are different everywhere that you go. He stopped following and when we turned to go towards my van he popped out of the dark and continued to grab me and try to talk to me. He pulled that one twice.
That was the night before last. Yesterday I tried to speak with a person who had said he wanted to remain friends with both of us. He has been in this town a long time and owns a bar and I thought that he would have some good advice on how to proceed from here as far as aviod the bullshit and pursue the dreams. His entire input was "He's all over the place, just don't come down here." and "I am about to be 40 years old and I don't need this in my life so please don't contact me anymore." Yet, he has B spinning weekly at his bar. I never would have contacted him at all had he not said that he wouldn't want to lose either of our friendships. I guess the term "friend" means something different to everyone. I was a little hurt for a second; but hey, if that's what they want, that's what they get. If you consciously choose the abuser you are consciously choosing the abuse. I hate that the community in his bar (which does *seem* to be a very community oriented place) will have to be exposed. I thought he would care about who is really being a part of that. I guess though, that I am imposing my own feelings on a situation that is not mine. I know that if this same thing were happening in one of the places or spaces that I built or was working with (especially with one of the people I have asked to be a friend not just an acquaintance) I would not stick my head in the sand. I would fear for that person, but even more I would fear for the delicate balance of what I am trying to build. That's just me, I know that I do tend to think more communaly than alot of people. That's ok. People can be whatever they want. Just like my recent dealings with Bill; it's good to know the true colors of a person so you can know that having them involved in your life would probably have not been good anyway. It's comforting to know that you are not really missing a person that exists; you are missing the idea of a person you only thought existed. So, it's ok to let it go.
However; the insinuation that I should never come to Frenchman street again is assinine. That is a whole culture of people. If he wants to say "Not at my bar" that's cool, but to say that I should no longer try to be a part of my favorite cultural sect in NOLA? What? I love the Frenchman street culture and I am just supposed to turn my back on it and let a person that I know to be an abuser have it. As if he hasn't taken enough from me? Now he gets the best part of NOLA? What? Furthermore, what did they do to deserve that?
So, anyway, B has made it abundantly clear that I can't have a life anywhere in his near vacinity. I tried to say you can have the whole world that is at least five feet away from me. I thought that was pretty giving, I mean that's pretty much the whole world. I am trying to be as non-dramatic as possible. I want to go out and tell the whole world the past I have found out about him and try to tell them to save themselves; but I'm not. I am giving him the benefit of not telling anyone the TRUTH about him so that he can carry on a normal life and this is what I get in return. I should get a great big thank you instead I receive the expectation that I should not have a life in this town or pursue my dreams... HA! Whatever.
I can do it without that faction of people or that three blocks of existence. I came here to do good for NOLA and I will. If her actual people are going to be my hurdles then so be it. I knew there had to be some somewhere; that's just not where I expected them.
There's bullshit everywhere and in every situation you just have to be able to smell it out and avoid getting it on your shoes as you navigate the obstacle course that we call life.
The beautiful part? I'm still not having any drama:)