The Helpful Hacker's Guide to Gummies, Geekery, Grifting, Guys and Good Teamwork
TitleThe Helpful Hacker's Guide to Gummies, Geekery, Grifting, Guys and Good Teamwork (or the Alec Hardison Doesn't Panic (Much) Job)
Authorpoppetawoppet
Pairings Alec Hardison/Eliot Spencer, Alec Hardison/Parker/Eliot Spencer
Rating PG13 mostly situational
Word Count 9567
Summary Hardison and Eliot have to pretend to be in a relationship for a con. Hardison doesn't panic about it (much), Eliot may not be pretending after all, and Parker works it all out
Warnings this may hit an embarrassment squick,
Notes Livejournal doesn't have enough space for the full title :(
For the fake-it until you make it fest at AO3. Run-on sentences and general crackiness. Some second person POV. Hi new fandom, this is my first published fic for this fandom (the first thing I wrote is a monster and unfinished), and I really love this show so much so I will probably word vomit in the comments. I have much more planned please friend me so I can annoy you all with ideas and general hand wringing over plottiness.
Click on read more or read on AO3 HERE
Night Six (1)
It is pitch black.
You don't run on the light at first, because Mr. Eliot "I sleep ten minutes at a time' Spencer has a whole lot of rules about sleeping, and secondly, you can't even reach the light, because there is a solid body blocking your way, Eliot is blocking your way, and he's sort of a bed hog even though it's like, a king mattress, so you wake up curled next to him and shit you really notice just right now how amazing Eliot's ass is and his hair smells really good and you haven't gotten laid in six days (you are so not counting the incident earlier today no way no how no sir not thinking of that at all) and okay, yeah, Eliot is hot and you check him out and you and your girlfriend have totally discussed threesomes, except it's Eliot and neither of you is quite ready to broach the subject with Mr. 'My eyebrows are a deadly weapon.' Okay you aren't ready, but Parker is cool with waiting, but…
But waking up in the middle of the night next to him and the incident that you are totally not thinking about and the whole kissing and holding hands all the time has created a definite hello down there interest and if you don't move soon, he will wake up and notice and that is not good and maybe you should breathe, Alec, and stop panicking, because 'Don't Panic' is your new life motto, because all you ever do is panic, and nope, not going to, going to act cool and get on with the con and yeah Eliot just moved closer and this is not happening.
You climb over and turn on the light.
"Damn it, Hardison!"
The Client
"I knew it was so good to be true. Even with all the testimonials and the three star rating online. But we couldn't have children, I can't carry to term," Wendy Harrington says. "And Peter and I, well, we had some rough years, and our background checks always get flagged, so no one will let us adopt and we kept getting turned down by potential surrogates and well… When we heard about Second Chance, we went for it. Ms. Brewer was everything we'd heard about. It all happened so fast. One day we were meeting and three days later she had a potential surrogate and we were so excited we didn't even stop to think. It was right after Peter went in for his half of the donation, and we gave her the money and we went the next day to discuss timing for my half and then poof, nothing."
"She didn't answer your calls?" Parker asks.
"She pretended like she didn't even know me. The papers we signed, Peter's donation, all gone. I got an anonymous call from someone who advised the same had happened to them, but the police investigated, and I guess all the rest of her clients 'check out' and there's no evidence so they can't do anything at all. I used the last of my mad money on a private investigator just to find out what city they moved on to. My money ran out before I could get anything but a name and address. All we wanted was a family of our own, and now we have nothing at all."
"Don't worry," Parker says. "We'll take care of it."
After Wendy leaves, she looks at Alec and Eliot and grins.
"So. Which one of you wants to be Mr. Parker?"
Day One
Hardison adjusts his tie and walks up to the restaurant. Eliot is on a nearby bench, sipping coffee and reading a newspaper, but mostly watching for the mark and keeping an eye on the table the team has reserved. There are no comms on this one, because the mark is big on surveillance, and they can't risk their frequencies overlapping, and with Hardison in on the grift, he won't have the time to isolate a frequency. They've worked out some special phrases for emergencies, and Hardison has access to the mark's computers, as well as the surveillance feeds. One they are in, Eliot can monitor for major trouble, and pop in as Parker's 'brother' if needed.
Alec looks around and Parker isn't there. She's supposed to be coming straight from the cousin's house. Alec glances at Eliot, who tips his baseball cap and gives a slight shrug. Alec pulls out his phone and dials. It goes straight to voice mail, and right on time, the mark is coming up the sidewalk. He feels the beginnings of the special panic that only comes from the grift going wrong and tells himself it will be fine. Parker will be there.
"Ashley," he says to the voice mail. "I love you sweetie and I hope I'll see you soon."
He sends Eliot a text. Parker isn't here and if she doesn't show, mark will bail. We're supposed to be desperate and desperate does not miss this lunch. I need a distraction.
Eliot stands and folds the newspaper. He disappears into the restaurant. Alec hopes it's a fire or fake food poisoning or something drastic that will prevent the mark from realizing he is a couple missing his other.
Alec walks up to the mark and holds out his hand. "Ms. Lewis? I'm Greg Whitaker."
"Mr. Whitaker, a pleasure. Please call me Nancy."
They shake hands.
"We reserved a table," Alec says.
"Of course. Sara told me about your initial meeting. I can't wait to hear more about you and Ashley.
Alec leads her into the restaurant, and hopes the distraction is coming soon.
The Restaurant (1)
Don't panic.
You don't trip when Eliot's just sitting there at the table, and definitely not when he lays on the Southern and introduces himself as Ashley. All cool as a cucumber when he kisses you on the cheek and thanks you for staying outside, dear, you know how my allergies are, or when he tears up about how your family hates him and his hates you (except for his dear sister Magnolia and won't Parker love that name) and then goes on about how you want a baby of your own, and then he turns his face to you, one of those coy soft smiles that does not affect you at all except it sort of warms you to your toes and oh boy is this going to be trouble. The panic begins right when he takes your hand in the middle of lunch, and rubs his thumb against the back, every stroke jumping up your arm and that's when you start stammering and your ears are burning and you can't look him in the eye, except, you're married now, so you aw shucks and sweetie and he doesn't even blink when you kiss his hair before going to the bathroom and have a moment of pure what in the hell has this turned into and Parker's finally texted you and said you gave her the wrong time and she's scoping out the mark's cousin thank you very much.
You stifle a laugh when you text her back that you and Eliot have things under control and will explain later, and yeah, it's pretty smooth how you trail your hand across Eliot's shoulder before you sit down and beam at the mark and manage to squeeze out a few tears about moving to the city and working so hard and no one will take you because of a few indiscretions as teenagers and plus the whole gay interracial couple thing and you fill out paperwork with the fake apartment address you are moving into tomorrow and it's so great it's a two bedroom because then they'll be room for the baby. And the mark goes on about finding someone within the weekend begins a frank talk about sperm donation and no sex and you remember the possibility that you may end up in a room jerking off into a cup and what if it was Eliot-ok Alec do not go there. When you get up to leave, Eliot's hand is on your ass and it's hard to keep a straight face because maybe you've imagined Eliot's hand on your ass too often and hello it's a very nice hand and when his face returns to his normal scowl when you know for sure you aren't being trailed you let out a breath and pray to Steve Jobs that this is going to be a short one.
The Mark (1)
"Hey Eliot, Parker, come see this," Hardison says, and pulls up what's on his laptop onto the big monitors.
Eliot grumbles something about a simmer sauce, but comes into the room, towel in hand. Parker lands next to him from somewhere, too fast for Hardison to figure just which rafter she was climbing.
"What's that?" She asks.
"Well when I went for the initial interview with the mark at Another Hope, I distracted the secretary long enough to plant a bug into the computer. I've been digging through their files and oh boy there were like three firewalls and I've had to avoid-"
"Yeah, yeah, you're a wizard, tell me why I'm looking at the client and her husband in her kitchen," Eliot says.
Hardison clears his throat, "It's not wizardry, it's fine hacking skills, and anyway I decrypted the files and she has video surveillance of a bunch of her clients, but not her first few. Looks like she planted cameras in the main traffic areas. Don't have sound on them that I can tell, but she likes to watch."
"High traffic areas?"
"Yeah, no bathrooms, no bedrooms. Looks like she wanted to keep an eye on the clients. I was digging through her old files, trying to figure out why, and it looks like since she started keeping the cameras, their clients have all been robbed within months of their initial contact with the mark."
"So she takes their money and their stuff," Parker says.
"Yep, and, well, hello there," Hardison says.
"What?"
"Looks like their activity caught the eye of the FBI. One of the aliases I found popped up on their database. Interesting. Looks like the time the mark started using heavy surveillance traces back to the time the FBI tried to bust them."
"FBI? Well, that ties up the plan then," Parker says. "Do we have a FBI alias for Eliot?"
Hardison nods. "Yep. Agent Jack Frakes. He's usually a desk guy, but I can put a few field assignments on his file if needed."
"Do it. Good catch on the video."
"Thank you," Hardison says, pointedly not looking at Eliot.
"Although I'm sure Eliot's a great kisser. Too bad I'll never know."
She disappears again, and Hardison sighs, because they've talked about this, her dropping hints and he knows she'll never stop until one day she'll proposition Eliot, probably while Eliot's fighting six or seven guys, and Alec will have to clean up the mess. As it is, a strange look crosses Eliot's face before he mumbles something about simmer sauce and hurries back into the kitchen.
"Good talk, team," Alec says under his breath, and goes back to digging.
Day Two
They spend most of the late night/early morning repacking boxes and replacing photos to set up the fake apartment. Hardison had supervised a furniture move in last week, right before he had had his initial interview with the mark. Alec catches some fake electricians entering apartment building they've set up for their 'home' from the parking lot camera he's moved to face their building. He moves the camera back and disengages the loop he's set up and thanks the paranoia of local grocery chain owners for even having that much.
"Looks like they've set up the mark's surveillance," he says while finishing up the final retouches on the history of Greg and Ashley Whitaker.
"Okay. So you still moved to the city for Greg's work," Parker says, "but now I'm Ashley's sister, it's just and added perk of moving up here. Are you sure you want to do this, I'm sure we could just plant something on them or-"
Alec knows the question is more for him, because of the conversations they've had about not wanting to push Eliot or read Eliot wrong.
"We can handle this Parker," Eliot says. "We've done fake married before, right, sweetie?"
"Yes dear."
They haven't done Eliot and Hardison are fake married ever. Fake jealous boyfriends once and so briefly, it probably doesn't count. Implied threesome to throw off a mark once or twice, fake flirting more times than he can count, but fake married, never.
They load the last of the boxes into the U-Haul and Eliot slides into the drive seat while Hardison packs up his laptop.
Parker leans in for a hug, and whispers, "Are you really sure, because you know, the thing, I mean, you have to pretend like all the time and-"
"Hey girl," Hardison says, "we got this. I'll be fine. I promise not to panic. Much."
Parker gives him a look that says otherwise, and Alec makes an x over his heart and winks at her, so she rolls her eyes at him.
"I'll be watching the cameras, send me an email if you need 'Magnolia' sooner than Tuesday."
Hardison nods. They have encrypted email set up just in case their phones have been cloned (which is something the mark did to a client before, which for a fake surrogacy scheme is just beyond. But considering the FBI bust the mark had almost been caught in, Hardison isn't completely surprised at the caution.) He gets in the van, but Eliot doesn't start it.
"Ground rules," Eliot says.
"Are you saying I need rules?"
"I'm sayin' I don't you going all weird on me just because we're going to be married for the next week or two."
Alec puts a hand on his chest, faking shock, "Are you accusing me of possible gay panic? Because I'll have you know I've kissed plenty of guys before you Eliot Spencer."
Eliot tilts his head. "Oh really? Good to know. Ground rules are for making sure we're on the same page. Like pretending we get along all the time. Or most of the time."
"Can do."
"And since I work from home, no complaints on the movies I pick, or shows I watch."
"Done. But I ain't eating anything with kale in it."
"Fine. No tongues."
"Fine. We take turns sleeping in the bed."
Eliot nods and turns on the car. They drive in silence, and Alec keeps telling himself it's just a sell, and when they get to the apartment, it's not much different than hanging out with Eliot. Well, not really, because the lingering touches and the cheek kissing and the possessive arm around Alec's waist whenever a neighbor pops by to welcome them to the complex. Eliot cooks dinner and they eat at the counter maybe a little closer than normal, but yeah, it's fine, and they watch a movie, and so what if Eliot's arm is around his shoulders and they are holding hands and their thighs are touching
It's nothing, nothing at all. Eliot doesn't look fazed at all, and he keeps looking at Alec, that soft smile/shy look that Alec has seen Eliot give dozens of people, the 'I'm sweet on you sweetheart' look, and Alec realizes just how fucking dangerous that look is, because his heart beats harder every time, even though he knows they are performing for the camera, the mark is watching and Eliot is playing along.
After the movie is over they shut the door to the bedroom and they both let out a breath. Eliot grabs a pillow and a blanker and throws it on the floor.
"I'm gonna hit the shower, you take the bed tonight," he says.
Alec nods, because now, of course, he's thinking of Eliot in the shower, which, yeah, no not thinking of that at all. He pulls out his laptop and sends Parker an email, and she emails back that the feeds are live and she thinks it's cute how they cuddled during the movie, which Alec ignores and he flips through the files he's hacked off the mark to calm himself down.
Gummies (1)
The best gummies are the bright green worms. The lime goes best with the orange soda. Which, of course, makes the orange gummies the worst because, duh, too much orange. The gummy root beers are nice, but all in all he prefers bears or worms, and none of the sour ones, because sour and sweet are for chicken, shrimp and pork only, thank you very much. Hmmm. Maybe you could get Eliot to make some sweet and sour chicken.
Gummies.
The red bears are pretty decent, because both strawberry and raspberry compliment orange quite nicely. The white-
Oh hell, Eliot is out of the shower, and yeah you forgot he sleeps in a tank top and boxers and yeah that's probably for guests because he probably sleeps naked with a knife and holy hell that is so a turn on, file that away for later. Oh now he's doing stretches before bed, save me now, because welcome to the gun show and you wonder what that particular scar would feel under your tongue and stop staring at him, because when you take off the laptop, Alec Hardison, it's going to pretty obvious so start thinking of something else auto-play videos, yeah, pop-up ads, Spiderman 3, Internet explorer, comic sans. Comic Sans. COMIC SANS and then Eliot is yelling something about food in the bed and turning off the light and that includes your laptop and phone and you comply, but then you can't sleep and maybe you listen to Eliot breathe a little too closely and provoke him into one last "Damn it Hardison" before bed because you want to hear his voice again and this is not going well at all.
The Mark (2)
"Cathy O'Connor 's online profile seems to indicate she is the real deal," Hardison says.
"Seems?" Parker asks.
"Yeah turns out she and Nancy Lewis have gone through this scheme in five different cities, but their real names are Shelley and Dara Booth, and they are wanted for extortion is six states. Looks like they hit multiple couples at once, so they have made a lot of money in a short time. Looks like Nancy does all the identity groundwork, while Cathy handles the outside help. Nancy's pretty good with the computer stuff, but I'm way better. "
"And of course you are tying all the identities in a nice big red bow for the police to find later?"
Alec grins, "Yes I am, and yes, I know Christmas is only six months away, don't need to use metaphors to start giving me a list."
Parker laughs and throws her arms around him, giving him a sloppy kiss.
"You can't have French toast if you are making out," Eliot says from the doorway.
"Sorry," Parker says, and bounces to her feet. "Food."
"I see how it is. Leaving me for breakfast," Alec says.
"Good food. Eliot food"
She disappears into the kitchen.
"If you want any, you better hurry," Eliot says.
"Like you didn't make too much," Alec says, and there it is the little head duck.
He and Parker haven't said a damn thing to Eliot, but Alec swears he keeps catching Eliot looking at them, not like that, but almost and it's like this weird complicated game of chicken and who is going to say it first, except he has a feeling Eliot will never say anything, because he and Eliot are best friends and the bro code and Eliot's the kind of guy that if he's going to make a move, it would have been made by now.
"Heard you saying you found the real identities. Any bad ass boyfriends/husbands I have to worry about?"
"Nah, looks like her hired help is always temporary."
"Guess you'll have to find someone for me to beat up next time."
Alec holds back a sarcastic comment about punishment, because, well, yeah, and rolls his eyes as he walks into the kitchen and tries not to think about the image that just sprang into his head.
Day Three
Hardison goes to his fake job, which is data processing at a cube farm and it helps calm him because he can lose himself in code and factual things and not think about the con for eight hours, except Eliot comes to lunch, and they have to pretend to be excited about his first day over fancy tacos, and the rest of the day he keeps thinking about how soft Eliot's hair looked in the sunlight.
Eliot makes sweet and sour chicken for dinner, and picks Pacific Rim of all movies to watch, and doesn't even grumble when Hardison describes the weapons he would have to fight kaiju. Of course the phone rings in the middle, and Alec looks annoyed, which he's supposed to because movies is cuddling, but the annoyance leaves when Eliot says.
"It's Nancy."
Alec pauses the movie and watches as Eliot paces their small kitchen.
"Ms. Lewis. Yes, I'm with Greg right now. Oh. Well, I didn't-no, no, it's just that was set aside for college and," Eliot listens for awhile, and works up a contrite face. "No Ms. Lewis, there's no limit to what we'd do to have a child. That sounds perfect. I'll talk with Greg and call you in the morning. Thank you."
Alec watches as Eliot slowly makes his way back into the kitchen, then sits on the couch next to him. Eliot takes Alec's hands.
"What did Ms. Lewis want?" Alec asks.
Eliot half looks up, "She found the secret account."
Part of Alec is cheering inside, because the mark was supposed to find the secret account, a not so hidden 'college' fund that would lure the mark into demanding more money. And hopefully spurring her on to escalate the con and get sloppy.
"Oh," Alec says, squeezing Eliot's hands. "How much?"
Eliot begins to shake, and damn, he's good at this, so Alec puts his arm around Eliot, holding him close.
"Half," Eliot sobs out.
"Shhh. Then we give her half, okay?"
Eliot pulls back and looks at Alec, and he has a second to panic before Eliot's kissing him and oh yeah, cameras and then hugging him and smiling and they do a little dance around the table before falling laughing on the couch. Alec turns on the movie, and Eliot tucks himself under Alec's arm, and keeps looking at him and smiling for no reason, because he's supposed to be ecstatic about having a baby, and Alec has to smile back because he's supposed to be madly in love with Eliot, except the only problem is, every time Eliot smiles at him, Alec thinks maybe he already is.
Geekery
The key to being a good geek isn't knowing every detail of your favorite Jaeger, or knowing the songs of Tom Bombadil by heart. The key is loving something (or many things, in your case) so much that it just bursts out of you and you have to share it with someone. Okay, maybe knowing a fake language is pretty awesome, and being able to recite the specs for twenty different spaceships might be taking it a little far, but the important part is that you have fun with the useless knowledge.
Because sometimes knowing about World of Warcraft, or having an extensive knowledge of every trick in MacGyver's book saves the day.
And sometimes it gets you the girl (or guy or person or well anything you want, because it's all fine.)
Of course sharing the details of why Star Trek and Star Wars are both valid choices and you can love both to Eliot at nine o'clock at night, well.
Except he doesn't stop you, listens to your argument that Janeway was a captain who deserved better, and that Deep Space Nine is the best, of course. Yeah he's half asleep, and maybe partially dreaming, but you have to ask him who his favorite captain is. Because it's an important relationship detail, and unlike Parker, there's the off chance Eliot's at least seen the movies.
"I always liked Picard," Eliot mumbles, half asleep.
"Really, I would have put you for a Kirk man," you say.
"Hmmm. Kirk's great, but Picard was a different kind of bad ass."
"Okay, what about Star Wars?"
"Han shot first," Eliot says.
You grin. "Damn right he did. Now we just gotta convince Parker that CGI Yoda was an abomination."
"Good luck. Turn out the light, I'm going to bed."
You do, glowing in the fact that you finally got Eliot to talk about something geeky and not get growled at. And there's one more opportunity that you can't let pass.
"Did you watch Star Trek for a girl?"
"Nah. One of the guys in my division used to watch reruns and he hooked me into it. Knowing the difference between Vulcans and Romulans got me into his pants years later though."
"Ha. Knew it."
"Go to sleep Hardison."
The key to good geekery-wait.
Wait.
Did you just get Eliot to admit that he'd slept with a guy? Wide awake, you think on the possibility, and yeah you and Parker and Eliot are going to have a talk real soon, because the not sure Eliot is even into guys has been your biggest hesitation on the whole, hey by the way, we sort of love you and want to fuck you and keep you train. And you found out because of Star Trek.
Age of the geek indeed.
The Mark (3)
"Cathy, just look at them."
Nancy (she hasn't thought of herself as Shelley in years) points to the screen, where one of their latest marks are eating breakfast.
"Yeah. I see."
Greg and Ashley Whitaker are perfect for their last grift in this city. It's obvious Greg is besotted with Ashley, and that Ashley wants one thing only: a baby. Once Nancy found their secret bank account, their terribly hidden bank account, it sealed the deal on leaving. Two hundred thousand dollars was the biggest payout yet. They didn't have a lot of stuff out that looked worth anything, but Nancy is almost certain they have hidden investment funds that could be siphoned.
Cathy watches the video for a little longer. "I wish you would invest in sound, though."
"Please," Nancy says, "You haven't watched enough. Greg has puppy dog eyes all the time, and if Ashley isn't as in love with him, well the looks he throws Greg's way says lust makes up for it."
"Side bet," Cathy says.
That's the best part of all of this, their side bets. The last clients, Nancy had side bet that the husband would break first and had won herself a thousand dollars.
"All right," she says.
"Ashley convinces Greg he has to be the father of the child."
"Oooh. I don't know. Greg may play the 'you want a baby it should be yours' card. I'm in. Same amount?"
"Done."
Nancy smiles and watches the screens again. She makes a reminder to herself to set up a camera in the offices for the end, when they call the marks in for a meeting and they discover the empty offices, their money gone, and no baby. That's almost better than the money. Almost.
Day Four
Alec has work again, and Eliot doesn't meet him for lunch, because he's having lunch with Parker as his sister (and wouldn't that be a fun thing to watch.) Instead he eats with a few coworkers, who rib him about his husband and sympathize with his baby dilemma and it's a nice distraction, not having to pretend (or pretend to pretend) being in love with Eliot.
Truth be told, after this is over, Alec knows he and Parker are going to have to have that talk about their boundaries and feelings, and Eliot's going to cross his arms and give one word answers and Parker is going to say everything she thinks and Alec will end up in the middle saying what Parker means and what Eliot can't and it might end okay. It's the option where it doesn't end up okay that's held him back. If Alec Hardison has one issue, it's that he fortune tells, and it's always the most extreme of good or bad, so when it ends up in the middle it's either a great relief, or a big disappointment. It's the thought that Eliot will give one of those looks and finally leave future that's held him back.
Parker hugs him maybe a little too closely when he gets home for dinner, and whispers in his ear that Eliot said it was okay if she shortened Magnolia to Maggie. Her accent isn't half bad either. They're having ribs and homemade potato salad, so most of the talk is 'pass the napkin' and 'mmmphhhhhs' and Alec telling a funny anecdote from work.
The mark calls right at six o'clock. Eliot grabs the phone from Alec's hand.
"Nancy, what a pleasure. Oh no, I just stole his phone, because I saw who was calling, and just had to be the one to talk to you," Eliot says. "Oh my sister came to spend a couple days with me so we're having dinner and probably going to play cards later or watch a movie I don't know. Wait. You do? Oh yes we'd love to. Tomorrow night? Absolutely. Can we bring Maggie? Oh she'll be so pleased to meet you. Six-thirty is fine."
Eliot hands the phone back to Alec and grins. "She has a potential surrogate."
Parker and Alec cheer and there's a group hug, and the three of them fit just so and Alec thinks, yeah, definitely talking about this soon, and then Eliot kisses him on the lips and Parker on the cheek and they clean up the dishes, and the movie for tonight is Willow of all things and Hardison is starting to think Eliot's picking the movies on purpose, except that he probably grabbed a bunch from the shelf when they packed and it just happened to be from Alec's portion of the shelves and is now regretting the trip down sci-fi/fantasy lane.
He and Eliot sit on the couch and Parker curls into a chair, half watching the movie and half-watching them. Alec catches her eye from time to time, and about a third of the way through the movie, gives her a slow nod that he means to say okay you win, we'll tell Eliot and her smile back doesn't escape Eliot.
"Whatever you two are planning, please remember, cameras," Eliot says.
"I can't smile?" Parker says. "Anyway, I missed you, that's all."
"Uh-huh," Eliot says. "Remember also, that I can kill you. Both of you, and no one will find you."
"Promises, promises," Alec says. "now hush, we're getting to the good parts."
Alec turns back to the movie, but not before catching Parker and Eliot rolling their eyes at each other behind his back.
The Grift
The secret to the best grift is to tell as much truth as you can. It doesn't have to be a true truth, but it has to be something true to who you are at that time. Or that's what Sophie said once. You've discovered keeping your mouth shut and doing the bare minimum of lying is what works best for you. That and remembering what lies you have told.
Asking for help is also good. Before you used to keep piling on top of the pile of lies and it would get bad. Very bad, very quickly. Now you usually look to Parker or Eliot and wait for them to step in if it's needed. This is the first time asking for help has gotten you into trouble and that's been more for personal reasons than anything else.
Grifting your friends is probably not the best idea, but sometimes you have to tell the white lie to get through until you tell the real thing.
"Okay, what is Parker planning?"
You look at Eliot and take a moment to look at the door, then the wall, as if Parker was listening. But you don't fake shock or stammer or lie, because that would be too much.
"I don't-"
"I saw you two look at each other. I know your communication."
"Okay fine. I was conceding a long standing argument, and now I have to do something she wants. That's all."
"Oh."
"No pranks, I'd swear on my vintage Millennium Falcon if I'd brought it."
"Good."
There. You didn't lie. You just left out the fact that what you agreed to do was jump Eliot's bones, but it's a minor detail, really. And when he comes out of the shower in his towel, mumbling some apology about forgetting his clothes, you pretend to be glued to your laptop instead of thinking about saying to hell with the con and calling Parker in right now. You also don't yell out some childish insult either. Balance.
That is the key to the grift.
The Restaurant (2)
You've already read the newspaper twice, just in case someone remarks about one of the articles and you have to talk about it. You have it half in front of your face, and are cataloguing the people as they go by, especially marking the green car that's been parked across the street for half an hour.
Ex-cop you think, got into the drug cover too heavy, probably one of the mark's goons.
You also note the dog walker who has circled the park nearby four times. Another ex-cop, knee injury.
You watch as Hardison comes up to the restaurant.
That suit looks good on him.
You brush the thought away, because it's not relevant, except it is, because after this one, after this con, Eliot Spencer, you are going to have a serious conversation with your partners. It's not that he doesn't appreciate that they are taking their time, but for crying out loud stop half flirting and googly-eyeing and make a move already.
The only reason you haven't made the move, is that if you make the move, they might suspect it's another one of your casual things, and it isn't. You can't be sure that if you don't say something, they won't see the meaning behind it, and the farthest you've dared is to vow to never leave their side. You wonder if maybe they're scared of scaring you, which is sweet and all-
Your phone buzzes.
Parker isn't here and if she doesn't show, mark will bail. We're supposed to be desperate and desperate does not miss this lunch. I need a distraction.
Too many civilians for a fake mugging. Have to create distraction in the restaurant.
You get up, removing your hat and denim jacket in the foyer and dumping them. You know it can't be fake food poisoning, the place is barely breaking even, and a food poisoning scare will shut it down, and the menu is really well balanced, although the wine selection needs work, and the head chef has a-
"Excuse me, sir, are you here to meet a party?"
You blink at the host, and then it hits you. Hardison is going to kill you, but it's the only idea that makes sense.
"Why yes, I'm here for the Whitaker party of three."
"This way sir."
"Actually, I was hoping I could use the restroom?"
The host points the way, and you go. The sweater/plaid shirt combination is fine as far as clothes, but the baseball cap you had been wearing has left your hair way too messy for the type of couple the Whitakers are supposed to be. You wet it down in the bathroom, thinking of exactly how you want to play it. Then you remember the last time you were an Ashley, and it comes to you.
You go out and let the host seat you. When Hardison walks in with the mark, a warm smile crosses your face. You pretend not to notice the way Hardison shivers when you kiss his cheek, and think
Well, this is going to be an interesting con.
Day Five
Eliot is surprised that fake baby registering with Parker isn't worse than it is. She doesn't attempt to steal diapers, or register the baby for a Nintendo 3DS, although the staggering amount of toys on the list makes up for that. And he's fairly certain she took the scanner thing too.
By the time they get home, it's time to get ready for dinner, and she changes into this floaty shirt/skirt combination that looks amazing.
Spencer, she's supposed to be your sister, stop looking at her legs.
Eliot wonders if he should tell her now, but then Hardison comes home from work, so Eliot kisses him hello, running a hand down Alec's spine, and smiling at him.
"I just need to get my jacket and tie," Eliot says.
He fumbles around in the bedroom a little, pretending to get mad about his tie. It's all in the plan. He walks out, still messing with the tie and mumbling to himself.
"Like you haven't tied a million of those," Hardison says.
Eliot just looks at him.
"Fine," Alec says, and walks over.
Hardison takes Eliot's tie, untwists it and loops it around Eliot's neck. Eliot watches as Alec's eyes widen a little, and his breathing gets heavier. They are very close, and Eliot deliberately licks his lips, making sure not to smile when Alec's hands slip a little as they tie the knot. Eliot glances up, and Parker's watching them, and yeah, the look she's giving is not sisterly at all, and Eliot catches her eye, and drops one eye slowly into a wink.
Alec finishes the tie and smoothes it down and pats it. 'There."
Eliot kisses him on the forehead, still watching Parker. He sees the moment she gets it, her eyes opening wider, her hand going to her mouth as she tries not to laugh.
They head to the restaurant on foot, Eliot and Alec holding hands and Eliot's arm looped through Parker's. Eliot keeps up a running commentary of completely inappropriate remarks that keep tripping Alec up, and Parker keeps giggling, and Eliot pretends not to notice the look they share, or hear Alec's sigh. When they get to the restaurant, Alec begins to play along, and they have a nice dinner with the mark and the 'surrogate' and the mark gives a time frame and talks about coming in tomorrow for the 'donation' and payment plans, and you listen with one ear until the mark asks,
"So Ashley, Greg tells me you two dated for almost five years before getting married. How long after you started dating did you know he was the one?"
Eliot looks at the table, but turns his head just ever so slightly to Parker, "Oh I'd say a year after we became exclusive. But it took me awhile to convince him of that. But now, now everything's almost perfect."
The conversation moves on, but Parker looks at him and nods once more. The plan is progressing nicely.
Guys
You realize that your sexuality may be a little fluid the moment you see Han Solo give a little side grin, and when Leia stirs the exact same feeling five minutes later. Your guy type is reaffirmed when Indiana Jones brings a gun to a sword fight, and again throughout your life and yeah maybe you have a thing for cocky fighter types with a sense of humor, but your first boyfriend is not that type, and it works just fine.
So of course you recognize your type when you see it, (hello Captain Reynolds, how you doin') but you aren't afraid to go out of it.
The nice thing about not being strict about your type is that your type evolves. Cocky fighter types with a sense of humor covers a lot of ground, sure, but there are also guys who use humor to avoid the fight. Strong silent sensitive types. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your-
No wait, that's that song Zazu sings in The Lion King
Anyway.
Parker wasn't your type of girl, and when she came into your life, but when she did come into your life, there was no other type.
Always pay attention when life is sending you a message, and that was one big message.
But sometimes life sends subtle ones too. Because Eliot Spencer didn't quite fit into your type when you met him. Sure he fought a lot, and he had a smart mouth, but he was also warm and funny and cared so much it hurt, and cooked and when you started to think about it, you found that life didn't have to stop everything to make you get the message.
So now your type is guys who beat stuff up/cook/sing like an angel/kind of scary but in a funny way with blue eyes and a nice ass.
Not that you've looked at it.
Much.
The Plan (1)
Fake flirting with Hardison is a lot more fun than Eliot anticipated. Mostly because Hardison thinks it's all fake, and every time Eliot says something dirty, the tips of Hardison's ears flush just slightly. It's hard to notice, unless you look, and Eliot is most certainly looking.
It's right then, when Hardison walks off to the bathroom (probably to panic for a minute) that Eliot realizes the con has handed him an unexpected gift. He's been waiting for Hardison and Parker to make a move when they're ready for almost two years now. He hasn't wanted to make the move first, but the opportunity has come, and he's going for it.
Just need to figure out a plan, he thinks.
When they get back to their home base to repack for the new version of the con where he and Hardison are married, Eliot goes upstairs to pack his clothes, which takes maybe ten minutes. So he takes a moment to write down a few thoughts.
Step One: make all of Hardison's favorite foods.
Step Two: Make sure to stay as undressed as possible in the bedroom. Suggest sleeping separately but come up with excuse to sleep together.
Step Three: Pick out movies that Hardison likes, make a slight fuss/annoyance
Step Four: Tell him about the time you used Star Trek to get a guy
Step Five: Let Parker in on the plan somehow
Step Six: Break the no tongues rule at some point
Step Seven: Let Hardison in on the plan but not too early
Step Eight: use the king size bed for its intended purpose
It's not the most solid plan, but Eliot's a champion flirt, and letting Parker in on the plan at some point meant that there was no way Hardison could panic himself out of this. Satisfied, Eliot tears the paper into shreds, and hauled his suitcase downstairs
Day Six
How did I get here?
Hardison looks around the sterile room, and back at the sample cup-container-thing he's holding. There are some magazines discreetly piled on a table, and he laughs, because they are all gay porn, of course, and he swears he started out the day certain he wasn't going to be the one standing here.
Except he had hesitated at the door, and Eliot had asked the mark for a private moment while they 'discussed things' and Parker had given a fake smile and a thumbs up, and Eliot had given five different logical reasons why he should be the one in the room, and Alec had found himself agreeing, and being led out of the room, and then Eliot's telling him good luck and pulling him into a deep kiss and holy shit he's using tongue. Alec freezes for a second before kissing back because, well, what's done is done and this is just, can they go back to the private room now and just continue this conversation, because damn, Eliot has some moves and then the thing is in his hand and he's standing in the room alone looking at dirty magazines that are making the beginnings of his erection completely disappear, because they aren't really his thing.
Well, you're here, so…
He can't think of a single thing, except that damn kiss, and oh, yeah, Eliot's hand on his back pulling him in, and yeah, yeah Eliot has some moves, and in Alec's mind, they are back in the apartment, and Eliot's just out of the shower and in that towel, and the towel drops and-
*
Eliot and Parker sit on a bench and pretend to trade a crossword back and forth: Parker asking questions in the across sections, Eliot answering them in the down. He lets her in on the plan. On 50 across, she asks 'Why didn't you say anything?"
He takes the rest of the down clues to answer.
"Was waiting for you two to move. Didn't want you to think it was a one-time thing. Got tired of waiting. Opportunity arose."
Alec comes out of the room, and Eliot tucks the crossword into Parker's purse. Alec's ears are both bright red, and he barely meet's Eliot's eyes as he comes down the hallway. Eliot looks at Parker who shrugs.
Eliot puts an arm around Hardison's shoulders and makes some remark about hoping it went well, and the three of them say goodbye to the mark and she has half the money now, and will get the other half tomorrow, and the con is almost over.
Eliot makes dinner, and chooses The Princess Bride because it's the one Alec quotes at all the weirdest times, except Alec is only half watching, and still can't look Eliot in the eye, and Eliot gets the feeling that the person Alec was thinking about in that room wasn't Parker, so Eliot figures he probably should either back off or double down. It's too late to back off, so double down it is.
So he pretends to do something to his back while washing the dishes, and Alec takes one look at him gently lowering himself to the floor to sleep that night and says,
"Don't be stupid. You can't sleep on the floor."
"But it's my turn," Eliot says.
"Oh for crying out loud, we broke the tongue rule. It's a king bed. I'll stay on my side, you stay on yours and we'll all be happier. Your back will be."
"Okay," Eliot says and climbs into the bed, trying to make himself as small as possible, and waiting until Hardison was asleep before sprawling out.
Before he falls asleep, Eliot thinks I forgot to tell him I'm a cuddler. Oops.
Night Six (2)
It is pitch black.
You turn on the light because of the thing, and Eliot yells at you and you say something about not being able to walk to the bathroom in the dark and you take a few minutes to sit on the toilet and think for a minute. It's not like today was the first time you thought about Eliot and jerked off, it's just, well, ok, you don't know why it's different this time, well except maybe it felt like cheating a little? Except Parker is the one who started the whole 'we should sleep with Eliot' conversation, and you both have blanket permission as far as Eliot is concerned so there's no real reason to panic at all.
It's just well, embarrassing, because it was sort of public and it sort of felt like Parker and Eliot knew exactly what happened in that room. Furthermore, this whole thing is supposed to be pretend. You take a deep breath, because they didn't know, they won't know unless you tell them, so calm down. You can get through this.
You walk back into the bedroom and ignore Eliot's grumbling. You settle yourself as close to the wall as you can get, and it takes a very long time for you to get back to sleep.
The Plan (2)
Parker knows she doesn't see things the way others do. She never really has, in her memory. Nate told her she spun people around in her head until they fit, and she thinks that he was half right.
She thinks she picks people's locks instead.
But it's all a matter of seeing how things fit together, which is why the con always seems to open up in front of her. Why she was so good at stealing things.
How she knew that Eliot belonged with her and Hardison. She knew that yeah, Eliot would probably deny it (because he didn't think he deserved it), argue about it (because he had to protest a little,) or jump right in. Parker also knew that Alec needed time, not to make sure that Eliot wanted in (because he totally did, he looked at them and said 'til my dying day' and Parker wasn't really familiar with weddings, but it seemed like a wedding-y type vow to her,) but to work out the panic and let his brain run through all the bad possibilities first.
Parker also has the uncanny ability to predict what Eliot and Hardison will do in a con, to the point that Hardison keeps muttering witchcraft at her and insisting on calling her Jean Grey. Eliot simply expects her to know, and compensates to catch her, if needed.
This con. She knows that this con is the right one. The right time.
It's why she chooses Ashley as her name this time around. After all, it's sort of a boy name too.
It's why she doesn't show up to the restaurant, and pretends that Hardison told her the wrong time. Because she's waited long enough for Hardison to finish his panicking, and she's certain that Eliot is ready to just jump in.
She's not wrong.
She rarely is, when it comes to the con.
Day Seven
Usually Parker hates police stations. She remembers too many plastic chairs and seemingly sympathetic voices from her childhood to be completely comfortable in them. But she's never been in one of these rooms before, so it's sort of cool.
"Okay, so Agent Wilkins and Frakes are still in full undercover operations at this point. Agent Frakes is going to go the agency today to pay the rest of the fee, which is when task force one will strike. I will be leading that group to apprehend the suspects and begin the search of their property. Agent Wilkens will assist with task force two, evaluating computers and cameras end. Which brings me to-"
The door opens and the room turns.
"This is Agent McSweeten," Parker says. "He has the FBI file which he's going to share the pertinent parts when I'm finished. He is also going to lead task force two, which is going to search the apartments and homes of the current group of people our suspects are trying to rob. Agent McSweeten?"
"Thank you, Agent Hagen," he says, and Parker sits to watch.
*
Parker manages to leave McSweeten with the marks and the cops and the mountain of paperwork at the police station. There are still uniforms at the fake apartment when she arrives, so instead of climbing through the window, she flashes her ID and smiles at the staring neighbors.
Eliot's in an FBI jacket and talking with one of the cops as they take a few last pictures.
"Agent Hagen," he says to her.
"Agent Frakes. Agent McSweeten is taking care of the last few details, and Agent Wilkins should be finishing up with the tech squad soon. He said he'd meet as at the hotel tonight, and we could pack up this tomorrow."
"Good deal," Eliot says.
"I was wondering if you had any thoughts on the pretzel case?"
The cop looked at them for a moment. "Uh, I can skedaddle, if this is top secret or something."
Eliot shakes his head, "No, just a cold case we've been working. I think I've just about turned it. I'll fill you and Agent Wilkins in tomorrow when we pack our stuff."
Parker grins, "Just as long as you don't let him think too much, you know how he gets about things."
Eliot laughs, "Trust me, there ain't gonna be much thinking on this one."
Parker looks at him for a minute, wondering if she should reveal her part in the plan yet. Then she nods, and walks over to one of the other cops to supervise.
Good Teamwork
Sometimes working in a team means you miss out on some parts of the con. Today you missed the mark getting arrested. Parker assures you she got video, but it's not the same.
For the first time in seven days, you can relax and sleep in a bed with your girlfriend.
Except.
Sometimes good teamwork meant getting into the con too much, and you sort of missed Eliot being there all the time. You tell Parker as much, and ask her when you should ask him. She says maybe when you get home for real, and she's right, which is another good thing about teamwork, there's someone to bounce ideas off of and to listen.
Of course thinking of teamwork, you start to think about all the ways you balance each other, which of course makes you start to think about how you will balance each other off the job. Who kisses who when and where. What combinations work and don't. Who sleeps in the middle.
The key to establishing good team work, of course, is lots of practice. So they'll have to make sure to make time to do that. Just to make sure they've explored all the options.
For science.
Day Eight
Alec goes back to the cube farm again, and tells his boss 'oh by the way, I'm undercover FBI and I quit', and picks up the few things he left there. Hardison goes back to the apartment, where Eliot and Parker have packed the last bits into boxes. They'll supervise a furniture move again in a couple days, but for the most part, it's over.
"I'm going to miss this place," Hardison says, running his hand along the kitchen counter.
"Me too," Eliot says.
"Really? I doubt it."
"Okay, maybe I'll just miss this."
Hardison barely blinks before Eliot is kissing him and wait, what, yeah, Eliot is kissing him, and there's tongue again, and Eliot's hand runs just so down Alec's spine and he can feel himself lean into the kiss and his hand is on Eliot's chest, but instead of pulling him closer, Alec pushes.
"Wait, what?"
"My turn!" Parker exclaims, and she grabs Eliot.
Any last thought in Hardison's head drains straight to his dick, because Parker is kissing Eliot, and Eliot's hands are in Parker's hair and Alec pinches himself and this is not a dream, except it's almost exactly how he's dreamt it.
"I-"
"When was the last time I went this deep into character?"
"Well, never, but-"
"I told you about Star Trek, man. I cooked all your favorites in the space of a week. The movies? I can't believe you didn't catch on," Eliot says.
Alec looks at Parker. "You knew?"
"Only for the last couple days. Except, well, you know how I told you that you gave me the wrong time for the restaurant? You didn't. I just sort of skipped it and hoped that Eliot would step and do what I thought he would. Which he did. I was tired of waiting to ask him to be a part of the team."
Eliot is bent over the counter laughing, and Alec just stares.
"Eliot," Parker says, "Alec and I think you should sleep with us, like always and stuff."
Eliot stands up, and says, "Well, if you're gonna make it all sappy and stuff, I guess I can't say no."
"But-I-I-"
Eliot shakes his head, and kisses Hardison again, firmly.
"Shut up, and just come with us."
Hardison watches as Eliot takes Parker's hands and they head towards the bedroom. They pause at the door and look back at him.
Alec grins, and follows. "As you wish."
Gummies (2)
It is pitch black.
Parker gets the edge of the bed. No matter where she falls asleep, she always ends up there. Eliot's in the middle. Hardison listens to them breathe for awhile. And thinks about gummies.
See, the best gummies, are the after amazing sex ones.
Except he's not at home, and the nearest gummies are probably in the kitchen.
There are a couple options. He could just try to go back to sleep, but he can taste them already, and he's going to keep thinking about them and not sleep at all. And if he's not going to sleep, well, could wake Eliot and Parker up, but more sex would just mean he'd want the gummies more.
Alec sighs. He might as well.
He turns on the light.
Two voices:
"Damn it, Hardison!"
Authorpoppetawoppet
Pairings Alec Hardison/Eliot Spencer, Alec Hardison/Parker/Eliot Spencer
Rating PG13 mostly situational
Word Count 9567
Summary Hardison and Eliot have to pretend to be in a relationship for a con. Hardison doesn't panic about it (much), Eliot may not be pretending after all, and Parker works it all out
Warnings this may hit an embarrassment squick,
Notes Livejournal doesn't have enough space for the full title :(
For the fake-it until you make it fest at AO3. Run-on sentences and general crackiness. Some second person POV. Hi new fandom, this is my first published fic for this fandom (the first thing I wrote is a monster and unfinished), and I really love this show so much so I will probably word vomit in the comments. I have much more planned please friend me so I can annoy you all with ideas and general hand wringing over plottiness.
Click on read more or read on AO3 HERE
Night Six (1)
It is pitch black.
You don't run on the light at first, because Mr. Eliot "I sleep ten minutes at a time' Spencer has a whole lot of rules about sleeping, and secondly, you can't even reach the light, because there is a solid body blocking your way, Eliot is blocking your way, and he's sort of a bed hog even though it's like, a king mattress, so you wake up curled next to him and shit you really notice just right now how amazing Eliot's ass is and his hair smells really good and you haven't gotten laid in six days (you are so not counting the incident earlier today no way no how no sir not thinking of that at all) and okay, yeah, Eliot is hot and you check him out and you and your girlfriend have totally discussed threesomes, except it's Eliot and neither of you is quite ready to broach the subject with Mr. 'My eyebrows are a deadly weapon.' Okay you aren't ready, but Parker is cool with waiting, but…
But waking up in the middle of the night next to him and the incident that you are totally not thinking about and the whole kissing and holding hands all the time has created a definite hello down there interest and if you don't move soon, he will wake up and notice and that is not good and maybe you should breathe, Alec, and stop panicking, because 'Don't Panic' is your new life motto, because all you ever do is panic, and nope, not going to, going to act cool and get on with the con and yeah Eliot just moved closer and this is not happening.
You climb over and turn on the light.
"Damn it, Hardison!"
The Client
"I knew it was so good to be true. Even with all the testimonials and the three star rating online. But we couldn't have children, I can't carry to term," Wendy Harrington says. "And Peter and I, well, we had some rough years, and our background checks always get flagged, so no one will let us adopt and we kept getting turned down by potential surrogates and well… When we heard about Second Chance, we went for it. Ms. Brewer was everything we'd heard about. It all happened so fast. One day we were meeting and three days later she had a potential surrogate and we were so excited we didn't even stop to think. It was right after Peter went in for his half of the donation, and we gave her the money and we went the next day to discuss timing for my half and then poof, nothing."
"She didn't answer your calls?" Parker asks.
"She pretended like she didn't even know me. The papers we signed, Peter's donation, all gone. I got an anonymous call from someone who advised the same had happened to them, but the police investigated, and I guess all the rest of her clients 'check out' and there's no evidence so they can't do anything at all. I used the last of my mad money on a private investigator just to find out what city they moved on to. My money ran out before I could get anything but a name and address. All we wanted was a family of our own, and now we have nothing at all."
"Don't worry," Parker says. "We'll take care of it."
After Wendy leaves, she looks at Alec and Eliot and grins.
"So. Which one of you wants to be Mr. Parker?"
Day One
Hardison adjusts his tie and walks up to the restaurant. Eliot is on a nearby bench, sipping coffee and reading a newspaper, but mostly watching for the mark and keeping an eye on the table the team has reserved. There are no comms on this one, because the mark is big on surveillance, and they can't risk their frequencies overlapping, and with Hardison in on the grift, he won't have the time to isolate a frequency. They've worked out some special phrases for emergencies, and Hardison has access to the mark's computers, as well as the surveillance feeds. One they are in, Eliot can monitor for major trouble, and pop in as Parker's 'brother' if needed.
Alec looks around and Parker isn't there. She's supposed to be coming straight from the cousin's house. Alec glances at Eliot, who tips his baseball cap and gives a slight shrug. Alec pulls out his phone and dials. It goes straight to voice mail, and right on time, the mark is coming up the sidewalk. He feels the beginnings of the special panic that only comes from the grift going wrong and tells himself it will be fine. Parker will be there.
"Ashley," he says to the voice mail. "I love you sweetie and I hope I'll see you soon."
He sends Eliot a text. Parker isn't here and if she doesn't show, mark will bail. We're supposed to be desperate and desperate does not miss this lunch. I need a distraction.
Eliot stands and folds the newspaper. He disappears into the restaurant. Alec hopes it's a fire or fake food poisoning or something drastic that will prevent the mark from realizing he is a couple missing his other.
Alec walks up to the mark and holds out his hand. "Ms. Lewis? I'm Greg Whitaker."
"Mr. Whitaker, a pleasure. Please call me Nancy."
They shake hands.
"We reserved a table," Alec says.
"Of course. Sara told me about your initial meeting. I can't wait to hear more about you and Ashley.
Alec leads her into the restaurant, and hopes the distraction is coming soon.
The Restaurant (1)
Don't panic.
You don't trip when Eliot's just sitting there at the table, and definitely not when he lays on the Southern and introduces himself as Ashley. All cool as a cucumber when he kisses you on the cheek and thanks you for staying outside, dear, you know how my allergies are, or when he tears up about how your family hates him and his hates you (except for his dear sister Magnolia and won't Parker love that name) and then goes on about how you want a baby of your own, and then he turns his face to you, one of those coy soft smiles that does not affect you at all except it sort of warms you to your toes and oh boy is this going to be trouble. The panic begins right when he takes your hand in the middle of lunch, and rubs his thumb against the back, every stroke jumping up your arm and that's when you start stammering and your ears are burning and you can't look him in the eye, except, you're married now, so you aw shucks and sweetie and he doesn't even blink when you kiss his hair before going to the bathroom and have a moment of pure what in the hell has this turned into and Parker's finally texted you and said you gave her the wrong time and she's scoping out the mark's cousin thank you very much.
You stifle a laugh when you text her back that you and Eliot have things under control and will explain later, and yeah, it's pretty smooth how you trail your hand across Eliot's shoulder before you sit down and beam at the mark and manage to squeeze out a few tears about moving to the city and working so hard and no one will take you because of a few indiscretions as teenagers and plus the whole gay interracial couple thing and you fill out paperwork with the fake apartment address you are moving into tomorrow and it's so great it's a two bedroom because then they'll be room for the baby. And the mark goes on about finding someone within the weekend begins a frank talk about sperm donation and no sex and you remember the possibility that you may end up in a room jerking off into a cup and what if it was Eliot-ok Alec do not go there. When you get up to leave, Eliot's hand is on your ass and it's hard to keep a straight face because maybe you've imagined Eliot's hand on your ass too often and hello it's a very nice hand and when his face returns to his normal scowl when you know for sure you aren't being trailed you let out a breath and pray to Steve Jobs that this is going to be a short one.
The Mark (1)
"Hey Eliot, Parker, come see this," Hardison says, and pulls up what's on his laptop onto the big monitors.
Eliot grumbles something about a simmer sauce, but comes into the room, towel in hand. Parker lands next to him from somewhere, too fast for Hardison to figure just which rafter she was climbing.
"What's that?" She asks.
"Well when I went for the initial interview with the mark at Another Hope, I distracted the secretary long enough to plant a bug into the computer. I've been digging through their files and oh boy there were like three firewalls and I've had to avoid-"
"Yeah, yeah, you're a wizard, tell me why I'm looking at the client and her husband in her kitchen," Eliot says.
Hardison clears his throat, "It's not wizardry, it's fine hacking skills, and anyway I decrypted the files and she has video surveillance of a bunch of her clients, but not her first few. Looks like she planted cameras in the main traffic areas. Don't have sound on them that I can tell, but she likes to watch."
"High traffic areas?"
"Yeah, no bathrooms, no bedrooms. Looks like she wanted to keep an eye on the clients. I was digging through her old files, trying to figure out why, and it looks like since she started keeping the cameras, their clients have all been robbed within months of their initial contact with the mark."
"So she takes their money and their stuff," Parker says.
"Yep, and, well, hello there," Hardison says.
"What?"
"Looks like their activity caught the eye of the FBI. One of the aliases I found popped up on their database. Interesting. Looks like the time the mark started using heavy surveillance traces back to the time the FBI tried to bust them."
"FBI? Well, that ties up the plan then," Parker says. "Do we have a FBI alias for Eliot?"
Hardison nods. "Yep. Agent Jack Frakes. He's usually a desk guy, but I can put a few field assignments on his file if needed."
"Do it. Good catch on the video."
"Thank you," Hardison says, pointedly not looking at Eliot.
"Although I'm sure Eliot's a great kisser. Too bad I'll never know."
She disappears again, and Hardison sighs, because they've talked about this, her dropping hints and he knows she'll never stop until one day she'll proposition Eliot, probably while Eliot's fighting six or seven guys, and Alec will have to clean up the mess. As it is, a strange look crosses Eliot's face before he mumbles something about simmer sauce and hurries back into the kitchen.
"Good talk, team," Alec says under his breath, and goes back to digging.
Day Two
They spend most of the late night/early morning repacking boxes and replacing photos to set up the fake apartment. Hardison had supervised a furniture move in last week, right before he had had his initial interview with the mark. Alec catches some fake electricians entering apartment building they've set up for their 'home' from the parking lot camera he's moved to face their building. He moves the camera back and disengages the loop he's set up and thanks the paranoia of local grocery chain owners for even having that much.
"Looks like they've set up the mark's surveillance," he says while finishing up the final retouches on the history of Greg and Ashley Whitaker.
"Okay. So you still moved to the city for Greg's work," Parker says, "but now I'm Ashley's sister, it's just and added perk of moving up here. Are you sure you want to do this, I'm sure we could just plant something on them or-"
Alec knows the question is more for him, because of the conversations they've had about not wanting to push Eliot or read Eliot wrong.
"We can handle this Parker," Eliot says. "We've done fake married before, right, sweetie?"
"Yes dear."
They haven't done Eliot and Hardison are fake married ever. Fake jealous boyfriends once and so briefly, it probably doesn't count. Implied threesome to throw off a mark once or twice, fake flirting more times than he can count, but fake married, never.
They load the last of the boxes into the U-Haul and Eliot slides into the drive seat while Hardison packs up his laptop.
Parker leans in for a hug, and whispers, "Are you really sure, because you know, the thing, I mean, you have to pretend like all the time and-"
"Hey girl," Hardison says, "we got this. I'll be fine. I promise not to panic. Much."
Parker gives him a look that says otherwise, and Alec makes an x over his heart and winks at her, so she rolls her eyes at him.
"I'll be watching the cameras, send me an email if you need 'Magnolia' sooner than Tuesday."
Hardison nods. They have encrypted email set up just in case their phones have been cloned (which is something the mark did to a client before, which for a fake surrogacy scheme is just beyond. But considering the FBI bust the mark had almost been caught in, Hardison isn't completely surprised at the caution.) He gets in the van, but Eliot doesn't start it.
"Ground rules," Eliot says.
"Are you saying I need rules?"
"I'm sayin' I don't you going all weird on me just because we're going to be married for the next week or two."
Alec puts a hand on his chest, faking shock, "Are you accusing me of possible gay panic? Because I'll have you know I've kissed plenty of guys before you Eliot Spencer."
Eliot tilts his head. "Oh really? Good to know. Ground rules are for making sure we're on the same page. Like pretending we get along all the time. Or most of the time."
"Can do."
"And since I work from home, no complaints on the movies I pick, or shows I watch."
"Done. But I ain't eating anything with kale in it."
"Fine. No tongues."
"Fine. We take turns sleeping in the bed."
Eliot nods and turns on the car. They drive in silence, and Alec keeps telling himself it's just a sell, and when they get to the apartment, it's not much different than hanging out with Eliot. Well, not really, because the lingering touches and the cheek kissing and the possessive arm around Alec's waist whenever a neighbor pops by to welcome them to the complex. Eliot cooks dinner and they eat at the counter maybe a little closer than normal, but yeah, it's fine, and they watch a movie, and so what if Eliot's arm is around his shoulders and they are holding hands and their thighs are touching
It's nothing, nothing at all. Eliot doesn't look fazed at all, and he keeps looking at Alec, that soft smile/shy look that Alec has seen Eliot give dozens of people, the 'I'm sweet on you sweetheart' look, and Alec realizes just how fucking dangerous that look is, because his heart beats harder every time, even though he knows they are performing for the camera, the mark is watching and Eliot is playing along.
After the movie is over they shut the door to the bedroom and they both let out a breath. Eliot grabs a pillow and a blanker and throws it on the floor.
"I'm gonna hit the shower, you take the bed tonight," he says.
Alec nods, because now, of course, he's thinking of Eliot in the shower, which, yeah, no not thinking of that at all. He pulls out his laptop and sends Parker an email, and she emails back that the feeds are live and she thinks it's cute how they cuddled during the movie, which Alec ignores and he flips through the files he's hacked off the mark to calm himself down.
Gummies (1)
The best gummies are the bright green worms. The lime goes best with the orange soda. Which, of course, makes the orange gummies the worst because, duh, too much orange. The gummy root beers are nice, but all in all he prefers bears or worms, and none of the sour ones, because sour and sweet are for chicken, shrimp and pork only, thank you very much. Hmmm. Maybe you could get Eliot to make some sweet and sour chicken.
Gummies.
The red bears are pretty decent, because both strawberry and raspberry compliment orange quite nicely. The white-
Oh hell, Eliot is out of the shower, and yeah you forgot he sleeps in a tank top and boxers and yeah that's probably for guests because he probably sleeps naked with a knife and holy hell that is so a turn on, file that away for later. Oh now he's doing stretches before bed, save me now, because welcome to the gun show and you wonder what that particular scar would feel under your tongue and stop staring at him, because when you take off the laptop, Alec Hardison, it's going to pretty obvious so start thinking of something else auto-play videos, yeah, pop-up ads, Spiderman 3, Internet explorer, comic sans. Comic Sans. COMIC SANS and then Eliot is yelling something about food in the bed and turning off the light and that includes your laptop and phone and you comply, but then you can't sleep and maybe you listen to Eliot breathe a little too closely and provoke him into one last "Damn it Hardison" before bed because you want to hear his voice again and this is not going well at all.
The Mark (2)
"Cathy O'Connor 's online profile seems to indicate she is the real deal," Hardison says.
"Seems?" Parker asks.
"Yeah turns out she and Nancy Lewis have gone through this scheme in five different cities, but their real names are Shelley and Dara Booth, and they are wanted for extortion is six states. Looks like they hit multiple couples at once, so they have made a lot of money in a short time. Looks like Nancy does all the identity groundwork, while Cathy handles the outside help. Nancy's pretty good with the computer stuff, but I'm way better. "
"And of course you are tying all the identities in a nice big red bow for the police to find later?"
Alec grins, "Yes I am, and yes, I know Christmas is only six months away, don't need to use metaphors to start giving me a list."
Parker laughs and throws her arms around him, giving him a sloppy kiss.
"You can't have French toast if you are making out," Eliot says from the doorway.
"Sorry," Parker says, and bounces to her feet. "Food."
"I see how it is. Leaving me for breakfast," Alec says.
"Good food. Eliot food"
She disappears into the kitchen.
"If you want any, you better hurry," Eliot says.
"Like you didn't make too much," Alec says, and there it is the little head duck.
He and Parker haven't said a damn thing to Eliot, but Alec swears he keeps catching Eliot looking at them, not like that, but almost and it's like this weird complicated game of chicken and who is going to say it first, except he has a feeling Eliot will never say anything, because he and Eliot are best friends and the bro code and Eliot's the kind of guy that if he's going to make a move, it would have been made by now.
"Heard you saying you found the real identities. Any bad ass boyfriends/husbands I have to worry about?"
"Nah, looks like her hired help is always temporary."
"Guess you'll have to find someone for me to beat up next time."
Alec holds back a sarcastic comment about punishment, because, well, yeah, and rolls his eyes as he walks into the kitchen and tries not to think about the image that just sprang into his head.
Day Three
Hardison goes to his fake job, which is data processing at a cube farm and it helps calm him because he can lose himself in code and factual things and not think about the con for eight hours, except Eliot comes to lunch, and they have to pretend to be excited about his first day over fancy tacos, and the rest of the day he keeps thinking about how soft Eliot's hair looked in the sunlight.
Eliot makes sweet and sour chicken for dinner, and picks Pacific Rim of all movies to watch, and doesn't even grumble when Hardison describes the weapons he would have to fight kaiju. Of course the phone rings in the middle, and Alec looks annoyed, which he's supposed to because movies is cuddling, but the annoyance leaves when Eliot says.
"It's Nancy."
Alec pauses the movie and watches as Eliot paces their small kitchen.
"Ms. Lewis. Yes, I'm with Greg right now. Oh. Well, I didn't-no, no, it's just that was set aside for college and," Eliot listens for awhile, and works up a contrite face. "No Ms. Lewis, there's no limit to what we'd do to have a child. That sounds perfect. I'll talk with Greg and call you in the morning. Thank you."
Alec watches as Eliot slowly makes his way back into the kitchen, then sits on the couch next to him. Eliot takes Alec's hands.
"What did Ms. Lewis want?" Alec asks.
Eliot half looks up, "She found the secret account."
Part of Alec is cheering inside, because the mark was supposed to find the secret account, a not so hidden 'college' fund that would lure the mark into demanding more money. And hopefully spurring her on to escalate the con and get sloppy.
"Oh," Alec says, squeezing Eliot's hands. "How much?"
Eliot begins to shake, and damn, he's good at this, so Alec puts his arm around Eliot, holding him close.
"Half," Eliot sobs out.
"Shhh. Then we give her half, okay?"
Eliot pulls back and looks at Alec, and he has a second to panic before Eliot's kissing him and oh yeah, cameras and then hugging him and smiling and they do a little dance around the table before falling laughing on the couch. Alec turns on the movie, and Eliot tucks himself under Alec's arm, and keeps looking at him and smiling for no reason, because he's supposed to be ecstatic about having a baby, and Alec has to smile back because he's supposed to be madly in love with Eliot, except the only problem is, every time Eliot smiles at him, Alec thinks maybe he already is.
Geekery
The key to being a good geek isn't knowing every detail of your favorite Jaeger, or knowing the songs of Tom Bombadil by heart. The key is loving something (or many things, in your case) so much that it just bursts out of you and you have to share it with someone. Okay, maybe knowing a fake language is pretty awesome, and being able to recite the specs for twenty different spaceships might be taking it a little far, but the important part is that you have fun with the useless knowledge.
Because sometimes knowing about World of Warcraft, or having an extensive knowledge of every trick in MacGyver's book saves the day.
And sometimes it gets you the girl (or guy or person or well anything you want, because it's all fine.)
Of course sharing the details of why Star Trek and Star Wars are both valid choices and you can love both to Eliot at nine o'clock at night, well.
Except he doesn't stop you, listens to your argument that Janeway was a captain who deserved better, and that Deep Space Nine is the best, of course. Yeah he's half asleep, and maybe partially dreaming, but you have to ask him who his favorite captain is. Because it's an important relationship detail, and unlike Parker, there's the off chance Eliot's at least seen the movies.
"I always liked Picard," Eliot mumbles, half asleep.
"Really, I would have put you for a Kirk man," you say.
"Hmmm. Kirk's great, but Picard was a different kind of bad ass."
"Okay, what about Star Wars?"
"Han shot first," Eliot says.
You grin. "Damn right he did. Now we just gotta convince Parker that CGI Yoda was an abomination."
"Good luck. Turn out the light, I'm going to bed."
You do, glowing in the fact that you finally got Eliot to talk about something geeky and not get growled at. And there's one more opportunity that you can't let pass.
"Did you watch Star Trek for a girl?"
"Nah. One of the guys in my division used to watch reruns and he hooked me into it. Knowing the difference between Vulcans and Romulans got me into his pants years later though."
"Ha. Knew it."
"Go to sleep Hardison."
The key to good geekery-wait.
Wait.
Did you just get Eliot to admit that he'd slept with a guy? Wide awake, you think on the possibility, and yeah you and Parker and Eliot are going to have a talk real soon, because the not sure Eliot is even into guys has been your biggest hesitation on the whole, hey by the way, we sort of love you and want to fuck you and keep you train. And you found out because of Star Trek.
Age of the geek indeed.
The Mark (3)
"Cathy, just look at them."
Nancy (she hasn't thought of herself as Shelley in years) points to the screen, where one of their latest marks are eating breakfast.
"Yeah. I see."
Greg and Ashley Whitaker are perfect for their last grift in this city. It's obvious Greg is besotted with Ashley, and that Ashley wants one thing only: a baby. Once Nancy found their secret bank account, their terribly hidden bank account, it sealed the deal on leaving. Two hundred thousand dollars was the biggest payout yet. They didn't have a lot of stuff out that looked worth anything, but Nancy is almost certain they have hidden investment funds that could be siphoned.
Cathy watches the video for a little longer. "I wish you would invest in sound, though."
"Please," Nancy says, "You haven't watched enough. Greg has puppy dog eyes all the time, and if Ashley isn't as in love with him, well the looks he throws Greg's way says lust makes up for it."
"Side bet," Cathy says.
That's the best part of all of this, their side bets. The last clients, Nancy had side bet that the husband would break first and had won herself a thousand dollars.
"All right," she says.
"Ashley convinces Greg he has to be the father of the child."
"Oooh. I don't know. Greg may play the 'you want a baby it should be yours' card. I'm in. Same amount?"
"Done."
Nancy smiles and watches the screens again. She makes a reminder to herself to set up a camera in the offices for the end, when they call the marks in for a meeting and they discover the empty offices, their money gone, and no baby. That's almost better than the money. Almost.
Day Four
Alec has work again, and Eliot doesn't meet him for lunch, because he's having lunch with Parker as his sister (and wouldn't that be a fun thing to watch.) Instead he eats with a few coworkers, who rib him about his husband and sympathize with his baby dilemma and it's a nice distraction, not having to pretend (or pretend to pretend) being in love with Eliot.
Truth be told, after this is over, Alec knows he and Parker are going to have to have that talk about their boundaries and feelings, and Eliot's going to cross his arms and give one word answers and Parker is going to say everything she thinks and Alec will end up in the middle saying what Parker means and what Eliot can't and it might end okay. It's the option where it doesn't end up okay that's held him back. If Alec Hardison has one issue, it's that he fortune tells, and it's always the most extreme of good or bad, so when it ends up in the middle it's either a great relief, or a big disappointment. It's the thought that Eliot will give one of those looks and finally leave future that's held him back.
Parker hugs him maybe a little too closely when he gets home for dinner, and whispers in his ear that Eliot said it was okay if she shortened Magnolia to Maggie. Her accent isn't half bad either. They're having ribs and homemade potato salad, so most of the talk is 'pass the napkin' and 'mmmphhhhhs' and Alec telling a funny anecdote from work.
The mark calls right at six o'clock. Eliot grabs the phone from Alec's hand.
"Nancy, what a pleasure. Oh no, I just stole his phone, because I saw who was calling, and just had to be the one to talk to you," Eliot says. "Oh my sister came to spend a couple days with me so we're having dinner and probably going to play cards later or watch a movie I don't know. Wait. You do? Oh yes we'd love to. Tomorrow night? Absolutely. Can we bring Maggie? Oh she'll be so pleased to meet you. Six-thirty is fine."
Eliot hands the phone back to Alec and grins. "She has a potential surrogate."
Parker and Alec cheer and there's a group hug, and the three of them fit just so and Alec thinks, yeah, definitely talking about this soon, and then Eliot kisses him on the lips and Parker on the cheek and they clean up the dishes, and the movie for tonight is Willow of all things and Hardison is starting to think Eliot's picking the movies on purpose, except that he probably grabbed a bunch from the shelf when they packed and it just happened to be from Alec's portion of the shelves and is now regretting the trip down sci-fi/fantasy lane.
He and Eliot sit on the couch and Parker curls into a chair, half watching the movie and half-watching them. Alec catches her eye from time to time, and about a third of the way through the movie, gives her a slow nod that he means to say okay you win, we'll tell Eliot and her smile back doesn't escape Eliot.
"Whatever you two are planning, please remember, cameras," Eliot says.
"I can't smile?" Parker says. "Anyway, I missed you, that's all."
"Uh-huh," Eliot says. "Remember also, that I can kill you. Both of you, and no one will find you."
"Promises, promises," Alec says. "now hush, we're getting to the good parts."
Alec turns back to the movie, but not before catching Parker and Eliot rolling their eyes at each other behind his back.
The Grift
The secret to the best grift is to tell as much truth as you can. It doesn't have to be a true truth, but it has to be something true to who you are at that time. Or that's what Sophie said once. You've discovered keeping your mouth shut and doing the bare minimum of lying is what works best for you. That and remembering what lies you have told.
Asking for help is also good. Before you used to keep piling on top of the pile of lies and it would get bad. Very bad, very quickly. Now you usually look to Parker or Eliot and wait for them to step in if it's needed. This is the first time asking for help has gotten you into trouble and that's been more for personal reasons than anything else.
Grifting your friends is probably not the best idea, but sometimes you have to tell the white lie to get through until you tell the real thing.
"Okay, what is Parker planning?"
You look at Eliot and take a moment to look at the door, then the wall, as if Parker was listening. But you don't fake shock or stammer or lie, because that would be too much.
"I don't-"
"I saw you two look at each other. I know your communication."
"Okay fine. I was conceding a long standing argument, and now I have to do something she wants. That's all."
"Oh."
"No pranks, I'd swear on my vintage Millennium Falcon if I'd brought it."
"Good."
There. You didn't lie. You just left out the fact that what you agreed to do was jump Eliot's bones, but it's a minor detail, really. And when he comes out of the shower in his towel, mumbling some apology about forgetting his clothes, you pretend to be glued to your laptop instead of thinking about saying to hell with the con and calling Parker in right now. You also don't yell out some childish insult either. Balance.
That is the key to the grift.
The Restaurant (2)
You've already read the newspaper twice, just in case someone remarks about one of the articles and you have to talk about it. You have it half in front of your face, and are cataloguing the people as they go by, especially marking the green car that's been parked across the street for half an hour.
Ex-cop you think, got into the drug cover too heavy, probably one of the mark's goons.
You also note the dog walker who has circled the park nearby four times. Another ex-cop, knee injury.
You watch as Hardison comes up to the restaurant.
That suit looks good on him.
You brush the thought away, because it's not relevant, except it is, because after this one, after this con, Eliot Spencer, you are going to have a serious conversation with your partners. It's not that he doesn't appreciate that they are taking their time, but for crying out loud stop half flirting and googly-eyeing and make a move already.
The only reason you haven't made the move, is that if you make the move, they might suspect it's another one of your casual things, and it isn't. You can't be sure that if you don't say something, they won't see the meaning behind it, and the farthest you've dared is to vow to never leave their side. You wonder if maybe they're scared of scaring you, which is sweet and all-
Your phone buzzes.
Parker isn't here and if she doesn't show, mark will bail. We're supposed to be desperate and desperate does not miss this lunch. I need a distraction.
Too many civilians for a fake mugging. Have to create distraction in the restaurant.
You get up, removing your hat and denim jacket in the foyer and dumping them. You know it can't be fake food poisoning, the place is barely breaking even, and a food poisoning scare will shut it down, and the menu is really well balanced, although the wine selection needs work, and the head chef has a-
"Excuse me, sir, are you here to meet a party?"
You blink at the host, and then it hits you. Hardison is going to kill you, but it's the only idea that makes sense.
"Why yes, I'm here for the Whitaker party of three."
"This way sir."
"Actually, I was hoping I could use the restroom?"
The host points the way, and you go. The sweater/plaid shirt combination is fine as far as clothes, but the baseball cap you had been wearing has left your hair way too messy for the type of couple the Whitakers are supposed to be. You wet it down in the bathroom, thinking of exactly how you want to play it. Then you remember the last time you were an Ashley, and it comes to you.
You go out and let the host seat you. When Hardison walks in with the mark, a warm smile crosses your face. You pretend not to notice the way Hardison shivers when you kiss his cheek, and think
Well, this is going to be an interesting con.
Day Five
Eliot is surprised that fake baby registering with Parker isn't worse than it is. She doesn't attempt to steal diapers, or register the baby for a Nintendo 3DS, although the staggering amount of toys on the list makes up for that. And he's fairly certain she took the scanner thing too.
By the time they get home, it's time to get ready for dinner, and she changes into this floaty shirt/skirt combination that looks amazing.
Spencer, she's supposed to be your sister, stop looking at her legs.
Eliot wonders if he should tell her now, but then Hardison comes home from work, so Eliot kisses him hello, running a hand down Alec's spine, and smiling at him.
"I just need to get my jacket and tie," Eliot says.
He fumbles around in the bedroom a little, pretending to get mad about his tie. It's all in the plan. He walks out, still messing with the tie and mumbling to himself.
"Like you haven't tied a million of those," Hardison says.
Eliot just looks at him.
"Fine," Alec says, and walks over.
Hardison takes Eliot's tie, untwists it and loops it around Eliot's neck. Eliot watches as Alec's eyes widen a little, and his breathing gets heavier. They are very close, and Eliot deliberately licks his lips, making sure not to smile when Alec's hands slip a little as they tie the knot. Eliot glances up, and Parker's watching them, and yeah, the look she's giving is not sisterly at all, and Eliot catches her eye, and drops one eye slowly into a wink.
Alec finishes the tie and smoothes it down and pats it. 'There."
Eliot kisses him on the forehead, still watching Parker. He sees the moment she gets it, her eyes opening wider, her hand going to her mouth as she tries not to laugh.
They head to the restaurant on foot, Eliot and Alec holding hands and Eliot's arm looped through Parker's. Eliot keeps up a running commentary of completely inappropriate remarks that keep tripping Alec up, and Parker keeps giggling, and Eliot pretends not to notice the look they share, or hear Alec's sigh. When they get to the restaurant, Alec begins to play along, and they have a nice dinner with the mark and the 'surrogate' and the mark gives a time frame and talks about coming in tomorrow for the 'donation' and payment plans, and you listen with one ear until the mark asks,
"So Ashley, Greg tells me you two dated for almost five years before getting married. How long after you started dating did you know he was the one?"
Eliot looks at the table, but turns his head just ever so slightly to Parker, "Oh I'd say a year after we became exclusive. But it took me awhile to convince him of that. But now, now everything's almost perfect."
The conversation moves on, but Parker looks at him and nods once more. The plan is progressing nicely.
Guys
You realize that your sexuality may be a little fluid the moment you see Han Solo give a little side grin, and when Leia stirs the exact same feeling five minutes later. Your guy type is reaffirmed when Indiana Jones brings a gun to a sword fight, and again throughout your life and yeah maybe you have a thing for cocky fighter types with a sense of humor, but your first boyfriend is not that type, and it works just fine.
So of course you recognize your type when you see it, (hello Captain Reynolds, how you doin') but you aren't afraid to go out of it.
The nice thing about not being strict about your type is that your type evolves. Cocky fighter types with a sense of humor covers a lot of ground, sure, but there are also guys who use humor to avoid the fight. Strong silent sensitive types. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your-
No wait, that's that song Zazu sings in The Lion King
Anyway.
Parker wasn't your type of girl, and when she came into your life, but when she did come into your life, there was no other type.
Always pay attention when life is sending you a message, and that was one big message.
But sometimes life sends subtle ones too. Because Eliot Spencer didn't quite fit into your type when you met him. Sure he fought a lot, and he had a smart mouth, but he was also warm and funny and cared so much it hurt, and cooked and when you started to think about it, you found that life didn't have to stop everything to make you get the message.
So now your type is guys who beat stuff up/cook/sing like an angel/kind of scary but in a funny way with blue eyes and a nice ass.
Not that you've looked at it.
Much.
The Plan (1)
Fake flirting with Hardison is a lot more fun than Eliot anticipated. Mostly because Hardison thinks it's all fake, and every time Eliot says something dirty, the tips of Hardison's ears flush just slightly. It's hard to notice, unless you look, and Eliot is most certainly looking.
It's right then, when Hardison walks off to the bathroom (probably to panic for a minute) that Eliot realizes the con has handed him an unexpected gift. He's been waiting for Hardison and Parker to make a move when they're ready for almost two years now. He hasn't wanted to make the move first, but the opportunity has come, and he's going for it.
Just need to figure out a plan, he thinks.
When they get back to their home base to repack for the new version of the con where he and Hardison are married, Eliot goes upstairs to pack his clothes, which takes maybe ten minutes. So he takes a moment to write down a few thoughts.
Step One: make all of Hardison's favorite foods.
Step Two: Make sure to stay as undressed as possible in the bedroom. Suggest sleeping separately but come up with excuse to sleep together.
Step Three: Pick out movies that Hardison likes, make a slight fuss/annoyance
Step Four: Tell him about the time you used Star Trek to get a guy
Step Five: Let Parker in on the plan somehow
Step Six: Break the no tongues rule at some point
Step Seven: Let Hardison in on the plan but not too early
Step Eight: use the king size bed for its intended purpose
It's not the most solid plan, but Eliot's a champion flirt, and letting Parker in on the plan at some point meant that there was no way Hardison could panic himself out of this. Satisfied, Eliot tears the paper into shreds, and hauled his suitcase downstairs
Day Six
How did I get here?
Hardison looks around the sterile room, and back at the sample cup-container-thing he's holding. There are some magazines discreetly piled on a table, and he laughs, because they are all gay porn, of course, and he swears he started out the day certain he wasn't going to be the one standing here.
Except he had hesitated at the door, and Eliot had asked the mark for a private moment while they 'discussed things' and Parker had given a fake smile and a thumbs up, and Eliot had given five different logical reasons why he should be the one in the room, and Alec had found himself agreeing, and being led out of the room, and then Eliot's telling him good luck and pulling him into a deep kiss and holy shit he's using tongue. Alec freezes for a second before kissing back because, well, what's done is done and this is just, can they go back to the private room now and just continue this conversation, because damn, Eliot has some moves and then the thing is in his hand and he's standing in the room alone looking at dirty magazines that are making the beginnings of his erection completely disappear, because they aren't really his thing.
Well, you're here, so…
He can't think of a single thing, except that damn kiss, and oh, yeah, Eliot's hand on his back pulling him in, and yeah, yeah Eliot has some moves, and in Alec's mind, they are back in the apartment, and Eliot's just out of the shower and in that towel, and the towel drops and-
*
Eliot and Parker sit on a bench and pretend to trade a crossword back and forth: Parker asking questions in the across sections, Eliot answering them in the down. He lets her in on the plan. On 50 across, she asks 'Why didn't you say anything?"
He takes the rest of the down clues to answer.
"Was waiting for you two to move. Didn't want you to think it was a one-time thing. Got tired of waiting. Opportunity arose."
Alec comes out of the room, and Eliot tucks the crossword into Parker's purse. Alec's ears are both bright red, and he barely meet's Eliot's eyes as he comes down the hallway. Eliot looks at Parker who shrugs.
Eliot puts an arm around Hardison's shoulders and makes some remark about hoping it went well, and the three of them say goodbye to the mark and she has half the money now, and will get the other half tomorrow, and the con is almost over.
Eliot makes dinner, and chooses The Princess Bride because it's the one Alec quotes at all the weirdest times, except Alec is only half watching, and still can't look Eliot in the eye, and Eliot gets the feeling that the person Alec was thinking about in that room wasn't Parker, so Eliot figures he probably should either back off or double down. It's too late to back off, so double down it is.
So he pretends to do something to his back while washing the dishes, and Alec takes one look at him gently lowering himself to the floor to sleep that night and says,
"Don't be stupid. You can't sleep on the floor."
"But it's my turn," Eliot says.
"Oh for crying out loud, we broke the tongue rule. It's a king bed. I'll stay on my side, you stay on yours and we'll all be happier. Your back will be."
"Okay," Eliot says and climbs into the bed, trying to make himself as small as possible, and waiting until Hardison was asleep before sprawling out.
Before he falls asleep, Eliot thinks I forgot to tell him I'm a cuddler. Oops.
Night Six (2)
It is pitch black.
You turn on the light because of the thing, and Eliot yells at you and you say something about not being able to walk to the bathroom in the dark and you take a few minutes to sit on the toilet and think for a minute. It's not like today was the first time you thought about Eliot and jerked off, it's just, well, ok, you don't know why it's different this time, well except maybe it felt like cheating a little? Except Parker is the one who started the whole 'we should sleep with Eliot' conversation, and you both have blanket permission as far as Eliot is concerned so there's no real reason to panic at all.
It's just well, embarrassing, because it was sort of public and it sort of felt like Parker and Eliot knew exactly what happened in that room. Furthermore, this whole thing is supposed to be pretend. You take a deep breath, because they didn't know, they won't know unless you tell them, so calm down. You can get through this.
You walk back into the bedroom and ignore Eliot's grumbling. You settle yourself as close to the wall as you can get, and it takes a very long time for you to get back to sleep.
The Plan (2)
Parker knows she doesn't see things the way others do. She never really has, in her memory. Nate told her she spun people around in her head until they fit, and she thinks that he was half right.
She thinks she picks people's locks instead.
But it's all a matter of seeing how things fit together, which is why the con always seems to open up in front of her. Why she was so good at stealing things.
How she knew that Eliot belonged with her and Hardison. She knew that yeah, Eliot would probably deny it (because he didn't think he deserved it), argue about it (because he had to protest a little,) or jump right in. Parker also knew that Alec needed time, not to make sure that Eliot wanted in (because he totally did, he looked at them and said 'til my dying day' and Parker wasn't really familiar with weddings, but it seemed like a wedding-y type vow to her,) but to work out the panic and let his brain run through all the bad possibilities first.
Parker also has the uncanny ability to predict what Eliot and Hardison will do in a con, to the point that Hardison keeps muttering witchcraft at her and insisting on calling her Jean Grey. Eliot simply expects her to know, and compensates to catch her, if needed.
This con. She knows that this con is the right one. The right time.
It's why she chooses Ashley as her name this time around. After all, it's sort of a boy name too.
It's why she doesn't show up to the restaurant, and pretends that Hardison told her the wrong time. Because she's waited long enough for Hardison to finish his panicking, and she's certain that Eliot is ready to just jump in.
She's not wrong.
She rarely is, when it comes to the con.
Day Seven
Usually Parker hates police stations. She remembers too many plastic chairs and seemingly sympathetic voices from her childhood to be completely comfortable in them. But she's never been in one of these rooms before, so it's sort of cool.
"Okay, so Agent Wilkins and Frakes are still in full undercover operations at this point. Agent Frakes is going to go the agency today to pay the rest of the fee, which is when task force one will strike. I will be leading that group to apprehend the suspects and begin the search of their property. Agent Wilkens will assist with task force two, evaluating computers and cameras end. Which brings me to-"
The door opens and the room turns.
"This is Agent McSweeten," Parker says. "He has the FBI file which he's going to share the pertinent parts when I'm finished. He is also going to lead task force two, which is going to search the apartments and homes of the current group of people our suspects are trying to rob. Agent McSweeten?"
"Thank you, Agent Hagen," he says, and Parker sits to watch.
*
Parker manages to leave McSweeten with the marks and the cops and the mountain of paperwork at the police station. There are still uniforms at the fake apartment when she arrives, so instead of climbing through the window, she flashes her ID and smiles at the staring neighbors.
Eliot's in an FBI jacket and talking with one of the cops as they take a few last pictures.
"Agent Hagen," he says to her.
"Agent Frakes. Agent McSweeten is taking care of the last few details, and Agent Wilkins should be finishing up with the tech squad soon. He said he'd meet as at the hotel tonight, and we could pack up this tomorrow."
"Good deal," Eliot says.
"I was wondering if you had any thoughts on the pretzel case?"
The cop looked at them for a moment. "Uh, I can skedaddle, if this is top secret or something."
Eliot shakes his head, "No, just a cold case we've been working. I think I've just about turned it. I'll fill you and Agent Wilkins in tomorrow when we pack our stuff."
Parker grins, "Just as long as you don't let him think too much, you know how he gets about things."
Eliot laughs, "Trust me, there ain't gonna be much thinking on this one."
Parker looks at him for a minute, wondering if she should reveal her part in the plan yet. Then she nods, and walks over to one of the other cops to supervise.
Good Teamwork
Sometimes working in a team means you miss out on some parts of the con. Today you missed the mark getting arrested. Parker assures you she got video, but it's not the same.
For the first time in seven days, you can relax and sleep in a bed with your girlfriend.
Except.
Sometimes good teamwork meant getting into the con too much, and you sort of missed Eliot being there all the time. You tell Parker as much, and ask her when you should ask him. She says maybe when you get home for real, and she's right, which is another good thing about teamwork, there's someone to bounce ideas off of and to listen.
Of course thinking of teamwork, you start to think about all the ways you balance each other, which of course makes you start to think about how you will balance each other off the job. Who kisses who when and where. What combinations work and don't. Who sleeps in the middle.
The key to establishing good team work, of course, is lots of practice. So they'll have to make sure to make time to do that. Just to make sure they've explored all the options.
For science.
Day Eight
Alec goes back to the cube farm again, and tells his boss 'oh by the way, I'm undercover FBI and I quit', and picks up the few things he left there. Hardison goes back to the apartment, where Eliot and Parker have packed the last bits into boxes. They'll supervise a furniture move again in a couple days, but for the most part, it's over.
"I'm going to miss this place," Hardison says, running his hand along the kitchen counter.
"Me too," Eliot says.
"Really? I doubt it."
"Okay, maybe I'll just miss this."
Hardison barely blinks before Eliot is kissing him and wait, what, yeah, Eliot is kissing him, and there's tongue again, and Eliot's hand runs just so down Alec's spine and he can feel himself lean into the kiss and his hand is on Eliot's chest, but instead of pulling him closer, Alec pushes.
"Wait, what?"
"My turn!" Parker exclaims, and she grabs Eliot.
Any last thought in Hardison's head drains straight to his dick, because Parker is kissing Eliot, and Eliot's hands are in Parker's hair and Alec pinches himself and this is not a dream, except it's almost exactly how he's dreamt it.
"I-"
"When was the last time I went this deep into character?"
"Well, never, but-"
"I told you about Star Trek, man. I cooked all your favorites in the space of a week. The movies? I can't believe you didn't catch on," Eliot says.
Alec looks at Parker. "You knew?"
"Only for the last couple days. Except, well, you know how I told you that you gave me the wrong time for the restaurant? You didn't. I just sort of skipped it and hoped that Eliot would step and do what I thought he would. Which he did. I was tired of waiting to ask him to be a part of the team."
Eliot is bent over the counter laughing, and Alec just stares.
"Eliot," Parker says, "Alec and I think you should sleep with us, like always and stuff."
Eliot stands up, and says, "Well, if you're gonna make it all sappy and stuff, I guess I can't say no."
"But-I-I-"
Eliot shakes his head, and kisses Hardison again, firmly.
"Shut up, and just come with us."
Hardison watches as Eliot takes Parker's hands and they head towards the bedroom. They pause at the door and look back at him.
Alec grins, and follows. "As you wish."
Gummies (2)
It is pitch black.
Parker gets the edge of the bed. No matter where she falls asleep, she always ends up there. Eliot's in the middle. Hardison listens to them breathe for awhile. And thinks about gummies.
See, the best gummies, are the after amazing sex ones.
Except he's not at home, and the nearest gummies are probably in the kitchen.
There are a couple options. He could just try to go back to sleep, but he can taste them already, and he's going to keep thinking about them and not sleep at all. And if he's not going to sleep, well, could wake Eliot and Parker up, but more sex would just mean he'd want the gummies more.
Alec sighs. He might as well.
He turns on the light.
Two voices:
"Damn it, Hardison!"