Don't Let Your Mistakes Define Your Life (2/2)
(V)
"So I guess trying to come up with something bad to remember about Danny is just too hard. Well, except for his smelly feet, but that's a memory us guys would love to bury with him," Kris looked at his friends, all laughing, Scott nodding the most emphatically. "So maybe I can come up with another good one. Danny was always on the other end of the phone for you, no matter the time zone, no matter the problem, whether it was something as silly as dating advice, or something as serious as dating advice. If you needed him, he was there for you. He was everyone's family."
Conversations and Meetings 2013
January
"You kissed him."
"Yeah. But he was drunk."
"He wasn't that drunk Kris. I know Adam, and the man can hold his alcohol."
"But I promised him that we could be friends without making it weird."
"Do you really just want to be his friend anymore?"
"No." Kris was slightly surprised by this, even though it had been his thoughts for so long.
"Then there's a problem. Look, the only way to get something you want is to go out and get it. So do it."
"What if he says no?"
"What if he says yes?"
*
Kris had a brief opportunity to go back to LA, a short stop before hitting the Northwest. He waved at the doorman, who had no reason not to let him in, found Adam in his studio, tinkering on the computer.
"Hey."
Adam looked up, not completely surprised. "Hey."
"I have like ten minutes, so I'll make this quick."
"Kris-"
"Nope. I know I said I would let you decide on this whole friends/ not friends/ boyfriend thing, but I can't let it go. I'm attracted to you. Like really attracted to you. If that kiss didn't say it. And don't tell me you don't remember, because I know you do. And I know you're scared, but I am too. Just think about it okay? I'm not going to be back here full time for about a year anyway, so let this stew in your head."
Kris strode into the room, took Adam's face in his hands, and instead of doing what he wanted, which was sitting in Adam's lap and making out, he brushed his lips softly against Adam's, a bare whisper of a kiss. He walked away before Adam could say anything.
*
February
"So I hear you're going to be in New York around the same time I am."
Kris could hear Adam's mental sigh. "Yes I am Kristopher."
"It'd be a perfect place for a first date: Central Park, we could go to the theater, I'm sure you know the best clubs..."
"You want to go clubbing with me?"
"Would it be a date?"
"Kris, I know the media has pretty much accepted you dating both guys and girls. I'm not sure if I'm ready for it to be me."
"That's okay, I can wait."
"Kris-"
"Have you been to see Danny lately? How's he doing?"
"Changing the subject?"
"For now."
*
"Hey! How are you Danny?"
"I'm good. I got the letter from the University: I'm going to get evaluated for a lung transplant."
"That's great news! It is great news right?"
"Well, it's just to see if I'm eligible. You should see the list of all the things I have to do."
"Really?"
"Really."
Kris listened as Danny lists basically every medical test known to man, wincing in sympathy. "Hey, all for a good cause right?"
Danny yawned. "Right."
"It's like one in the morning there. Why did you answer the phone?"
"I don't know. Can't sleep? Plus sometimes I think you need me more than I need you. Ha."
"Danny, am I going to have to hire you someone to take care of you when I'm not there?"
"You had to leave the nest someday."
Kris laughed. "Go to sleep Danny."
"Yes, mom."
March
They were sitting at some remote cafe in the middle of New York, bundled up enough not to be recognized right away when the reporter found them.
"I bought my own coffee, so this does not count as a date, you know," Adam sipped carefully, sunglasses hiding his eyes.
Kris chuckled. "I'm perfectly aware of that. Anyway, you aren't ready yet. That's ok. I'm game."
"Do you have any idea how weird this is for me?"
"I have an inkling. It's okay, I've never really pursued anyone before, so this is all new territory for me too."
"Pursued? Is that what you are calling it?" Adam's expression was bemused.
"Well, if I was courting you, I'd be sending flowers and calling your mother. If I was dating you, I'd be holding your hand and or kissing you. If I was fucking around with you-" Kris grinned as Adam choked a little, "We wouldn't even be outside right now."
Adam took off the shades, his eyes clouded, with what Kris wasn't entirely sure. "You. I cannot deal with you. One minute you're wooing me and the next you’re making me laugh my ass off. Huh. I've never been pursued before."
"Really? I cannot believe that."
"Well, at least in a non-stalker way."
"It is you."
They both looked up and saw the young woman approaching. Kris sighed as he saw the mini tape recorder.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?"
" Sure," Adam said, his eyes tight, his body tense.
"So, this looks cozy. Are you two an item now?"
Adam opened his mouth, but Kris cut him off. "Look, no offense, ma'am, but I haven't seen my best friend in almost two months. I'm not saying we want you to leave or anything, but frankly, even if I was dating him, which I am not, I really don't think I'd want to discuss that right now." Kris glanced down as his phone buzzed. "Anyway, I have a sound check to get to, so if you'll excuse me?"
Both the reporter and Adam stared at him for a minute. Then Adam stood, politely shaking her hand, hugging Kris quickly and tightly.
Kris was halfway to the studio when he got the text.
It would have been funnier if u told her we were dating
But untrue. I'm not sure she would have gotten the concept of pursuing.
Ha. Yes. I like being pursued. you should keep doing it.
OK.
May
Kris rubbed his eyes as he lay on his bed. He hasn't gotten used to the time change here yet. He liked Europe. There was a permanence here, and a feeling of being settled that he can't get anywhere in America. But it is not home, either. He is somewhere outside of London, and he has the next day off and he is excited to go sightseeing, to do absolutely nothing to do with music. If only he could sleep.
His phone rang.
"Adam?"
"You haven't called me in two weeks. I'm worried about you."
Kris blinked. "What? Oh, I'm sorry, I, well, this time change thing is killing me."
"Yeah, I get that. Actually I heard you were in England."
"Yeah?"
"So guess who has a day layover at Gatwick?"
"You are kidding me, right?"
"No."
"You saying you want to hang out tomorrow?"
"Definitely. But not a date. I'm paying my own way."
"Whatever. You totally want to go check out impossibly hot men with great accents with me."
"You are an impossibly hot man with a great accent."
Kris says nothing, the heat rising slowly up his neck.
"You're blushing now, aren't you?"
"Yes."
"Good. I'll see you tomorrow. Pick me up around 9 ish. I'll let you know exactly where tomorrow."
*
Kris had no trouble convincing Adam they need to be complete tourists, so the first thing they do is try to get one of the Buckingham Palace guards to move. Adam said his idea was the best, but Kris wasn't going to moon anyone, no matter how much fun Adam said it was. They go a little crazy in the Science Museum, pressing every single button and lever in the whole building. A couple of the tour guides and guards give them amused looks, but for the most part, Kris had a feeling they'd seen worse. They have fish and chips "This is amazing and totally bad for me" Adam sighed, at a local pub, a young girl squealing as she recognized them, almost fainting as they dutifully signed autographs and took a picture.
Adam sighed as Kris drug him through the Underground, stopping at King's Cross Station just so they can see Platform Nine and Three Quarters. It isn't there, but Kris had a friendly stranger take a picture of them between platforms nine and ten. It was quite possibly one of the happiest days of Kris's life. They sat in the airport lounge, mostly empty for now, laughing at stupid jokes. Adam leaned his head into Kris shoulder and closed his eyes.
"If this had been a date, this is the part where you kiss me."
"But it's not. you told me so."
"I know."
There is a hint of something in Adam's voice and Kris could tell he was close to the edge, that he was almost there, if Kris pushed... But Kris could also tell Adam isn't ready yet, was still conflicted somewhere deep inside. So instead of turning his head and kissing Adam, he simply held his hand, caressing the back with his fingers.
"Maybe next time."
*
July
Kris hated red-eye flights, hated that in two days he was going to be back on one again. But it was important, no matter what Danny said. He picked up his phone again, making the necessary arrangements.
"I told you I was fine."
"Bullshit." Kris dropped his bag on the floor. "You are not fine. I know, I know, you are young, the fact that you are too healthy to qualify for a lung transplant is a good thing, but you are not fine."
Danny sat down. "No, I'm not. But you have a concert in two days in Germany. You shouldn't be here."
"One of my best friends got bad news. I'm exactly where I should be.Now we are having a big party tomorrow and you are going to like it."
"A party? Like the one we had after you moved in?"
Kris shuddered, remembering how Danny had tried to cheer him up with lame movies, popcorn and an offer to buy him sex.
"No, no prostitutes. Just friends."
*
Kris sat back, gloating silently as Danny laughed at one of Anoop's jokes. It is the first time in four years all of them had been together, and it was 2009 all over again. Except Anoop and Megan were married, had a baby, Matt was engaged to a lovely girl who couldn't quite decide whether to ask for autographs or to join in their general amusement. Allison's hair was more purple than pink these days, though she said she was going back soon. Everyone was here, well almost everyone. Adam was in Japan, but he should be calling in...
"I got it," Kris stood up as his laptop made a noise. He turned it on. "Hey everybody, we've got a new guest!"
Adam had just woken up, hadn't even had a chance to get ready. But the window of time for him to be there was so short, he had been willing to make the sacrifice. For a price to be named later, he had told Kris.
"Hey, Danny, sorry I couldn't be there, but you know I'll come see you when I get home and annoy the hell out of you just so you won't miss Kris. Haha, No really, man, hope you are doing all right."
"I'm doing better right now," Danny glanced at Kris, who shrugged.
"Good now Kris, take me in the other room, so I can have a word with you."
Kris ignored the pointed looks as he left the room, setting his laptop on a bed. "What?"
"First off, how in the hell did you manage this?"
"I used my celebrity status as well as promising a lot of things to a lot of people."
Adam nodded. "Okay. Second, when are you back in the US full time?"
"Um, September? I think I'm in Maine? Why?"
"Just curious as to when I'll get better timed phone calls, that's all. I miss talking to you. Anyway, I gotta go."
Kris couldn't ignore the whispers as he rejoined the party. "What?" He looked directly at Danny. "Please tell me you didn't say anything."
Danny spread his hands, eyes widening, "I didn't say anything. Allison however, may or may not have guessed something and I may or may not have nodded in agreement."
Kris stared, open mouthed as everyone smiled at him. "I, I,"
Then everyone started talking at once, babbling advice. Kris caught Danny's eyes, and threatened him silently. Danny ignored it, sitting back and smiling.
*
"Look, Danny, Kay isn't my assistant anymore. She only works part time, but if you need anything, just call her. Trust me, she's the best."
"Kris-"
Kris took Danny's arm. "No, listen. You've done a lot for me lately. Let me do something for you."
"Okay."
September
Kris was glad to be on home soil again, even if he was still a coast away from home. He didn't even realize Adam was there until the after party, waved at him through the crowd of people. He could feel Adam watching him the whole time, and wondered why he was there. It was hours later when everyone had cleared, when they were alone in the room he found out why.
"Hey. Didn't expect to see you."
Adam nods. "That was the point."
Kris found himself pushed into the wall, barely registering a protest before Adam's lips began to assault his own, his one hand in Kris's hair, the other pressed firmly against his chest, then rubbing his back, tugging at his shirt. Kris shifted, Adam's knee between his legs, couldn't help but ride up on it a little. Adam's mouth, oh God, Adam's mouth was working its way down his jawline, and Kris could hear himself whimpering. He raised his hand, to hold on, to pull closer, instead pushing Adam away.
"Wait."
"Damn," Adam whispered. "Didn't distract you fast enough."
Kris stared at him. "What?" And then he realizes why Adam was here. "Are you serious? Jesus Adam, if I wanted to fuck you, we could have done that a long time ago."
"It's not like that."
"Oh really, then how is it like?"
"I didn't intentionally come here thinking I would- we would- " Adam ran a hand through his hair, "I just wanted to see you, ok? You're the one who keeps inserting yourself into my life! And then I watched you on that stage, back here, and I wanted. I wanted you."
Kris stared for a moment, not sure whether to be pleased or to be angry. "You know what I want."
"Dating is overrated."
"You're only saying that because you haven't had much success at it. It's no just about dating Adam. I'm not...I'm a relationship kind of person. I want an actual relationship."
"Those don't work too well for me," Adam stared down at his hands.
"Like my track record is any better!!" Kris turned away. "I think you are scared."
"Scared?"
"Scared of anything messing up what we have. Well I have news for you, Lambert. I can't just be your friend, I can't just be your fuck buddy. I want both. Asshole."
Before Adam could say anything, Kris walked out of the room. He did not sleep, because he was worried he may have made things worse, he may have made things impossible. Until his phone buzzed.
Kris. Please. Talk to me.
Kris ignored Adam for the whole day. He needed time to think to organize his thoughts. He called him late that night.
"Hey."
Kris could hear Adam breathing. "Are you going to talk to me?"
Adam sighed loudly. "Look, I'm not completely sorry, okay? Because you've inspired all sorts of new healthy dreams for me. So I can't be sorry about that."
Kris snorted a little. "Glad to be of service to your imagination and your left hand."
Adam paused. "You know I'm ambidextrous."
Kris shivered, his imagination working full force. "I do not have words for you right now."
"Okay, but I will apologize for being an ass. You have been very specific, and I ignored it. I just... I let myself let go of control. You were right though, about me being scared. We're good together, as friends, and I don't want that to go away again. I just need time. Okay?"
"Okay."
October
Kris was in Adam's driveway waiting for a phone call, hoping his letter arrived before him.
Ten reasons Adam and Kris should be boyfriends:
"My Life Would Suck Without You"- Kelly Clarkson
1. I know I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too. I think it's healthy that we both recognize that we are not perfect, that we both have reservations about this. You don't think I'm scared? I'm fucking frightened. At the same time, I want, and that's hard to ignore. And I know you want too. I think we both know that. So maybe we can work through those issues together. Maybe we can fight over them and then make-up about it.
"Unusual You"- Britney Spears
2. You got me all twisted and confused it's so you- Really. You know all those dates you and Danny set up for me? You know why they didn't work? None of them were you. I keep thinking about you, and it's kind of scary. I'm not asking for a lifelong commitment: just dinner and a movie. ok? Maybe once I go out with you, I’ll discover I don’t want it so much. Or maybe it will turn out just fine.
"Falling Slowly"- Glen Hansard:
3. You have suffered enough, it's time you won. I realize you've had friends, you've had lovers, but never really both at the same time. I want to show you it's possible. I want you to know how much better it is that way.
"If I Can't Have You"- Yvonne Elliman
4. Can't let go, doesn't matter how hard I try- You know I won't give up. Once I get a hold of an idea, I can't let it go. I can't let you go. Please.
"Come Home"- One Republic
5. There's something I've been missing, I think they could be the better half of me- I don't know how many times I've said this, but I really do think you and I fit so well together. There are so many things about you I wish I had. But because I don't, that makes you so much better for me. Does that make sense?
"Lovin You"- Minnie Riperton
6. Lovin you is easy cause you're beautiful. I don't think I've ever said that to you. You are beautiful. Sometimes it staggers me. And not just your face. All of you, inside and out. I feel like I'm next to a masterpiece sometimes.
"Let Me Down Easy"- Chris Isaak
7. Can't you hear my heart is calling, you don't know how hard I've fallen for you. Ok, so I'll admit I'm not in love with you. Yet. It could be very easy. I want to see if love is possible again. I want to see you seeing that love is possible again.
"Heartless"- Kanye West-
8. Ain't gonna find nobody better than me. How many times have you told me I'm perfect? Have you ever thought that maybe I'm perfect for you? I'm your type, and what's better, I'm no longer married and according to the media, bisexual. Sorry I couldn't go all the way, but I think girls are great. But not as great as you. (bet you are laughing)
"Radar"- Britney Spears
9. Think I can handle that, animal in the sack. (I hope you are blushing, even though I'm not there to see it). Really. I've heard stories. And the indication from our two kisses says to me those stories are true. They are true, right?
"Let's Get It On"- Marvin Gaye (by way of Matt Giruad)
10. call me.
Kris phone rang just as the door opened, outlining Adam's silhouette. "Get in here Allen."
"Hey." Kris grinned as he heard Matt's voice still ringing through the house.
Adam said nothing at first, turning off the stereo, then gathering Kris in and holding him tight.
"Do you really think I'm beautiful?" He whispered.
"Yeah. All the way through."
"You are perfect."
Kris leaned his head against Adam's shoulder. "No I'm not."
Adam laughed. "You know that's the real reason I've hesitated?"
"Because you think I'm perfect?"
"Because I think I'm going to be measuring everyone against you from now on. If we screw it up."
"I guess we better not screw it up then."
"So next Saturday sound good to you?"
"Sounds great."
Kris was fairly sure if he looked up, Adam's face would have the same foolish grin that was on his own.
November
Kris slammed the door, wincing when Danny called down. It was three o'clock in the morning, He should have known better, but sometimes his anger got the best of him.
"You ok?"
"No. Turn on TMZ. I'm pretty sure they have full footage."
Kris ran up the stairs, throwing his clothes on the floor and letting the hot water wash away the glitter, his resentment, his anger.
They had gone to a club. For the most part, Kris was surprised at how good a time he was having. He had first noticed the cameras while on the dance floor, purposely grinding closer to Adam. Might a well give them a show. They had been cuddling in a booth, lazily kissing when the voice came out of nowhere.
"So this looks cozy."
It was the reporter from New York. Later, when he watched the film, Kris recognized the brief shock in their faces.
"Yes it is ma'am. Thank you."
Kris turned back to Adam, but she was having none of it. "So, I'm just wondering. Were you lying to me in New York? Because that looked cozy too. And if you were lying then, how often, how long have you been lying to us?"
Kris clutched Adam's hand under the table. "Ma'am. I did not lie to you then. I have never lied about my relationships to the public. If you think otherwise, well then that's up to you."
They left the club, and she followed, asking questions at a mile a minute. They ignored her. Adam was quiet on the drive home.
"Adam."
"I know, I know."
"You're the one who told me that we'd have to deal with them."
"Yeah, but you're not the one accused of corrupting a good man, of breaking up a marriage."
"Adam, we know that's not true."
"Doesn't make it less shitty."
"What do you want me to do? Take an ad out in every paper telling them it was me who asked you out? Tell them it was me who started it all? Cause that's what I'll do!"
"Kris..."
"Not now. Later, okay?"
"Okay."
When Kris got downstairs. Danny was still there. "You had a fight."
"Kind of. I don't know. I just...It's tiring sometimes. I wish we had one day, just to ourselves. Like London. Like before."
"When exactly is before? Idol?"
"No. When we recorded that song for the movie. Kay could tell you stories."
"Are you going to be okay?"
"I don't know."
"Is there anything I can do?"
Kris smiled. "Not now."
Kris hoped because so far it had been working. So far, it had been just fine, even with the reporters. But deep down he wondered if they were both strong enough to handle the constant surveillance, the questions, the accusations.
(VI)
"I think the best part of Danny was his romantic streak. Even though he had every right to be bitter about love, he wasn't. For one brief moment in time, he had everything and it was gone. Taken. But despite all of that, all Danny wanted was for everyone else to have that. I'm sure all of you have been subjected to one of his set-ups. I was lucky enough to find someone myself. But without Danny, I'm not sure we would have gotten through the rough patches. So I thank him every day, for being so much about love. For understanding that love is everything."
December 2013
The last two weeks, Kris Allen had spent moping in Danny's kitchen. It wasn't the reporters he told himself, it was just that their schedules didn't match. He picked up the phone a dozen times, but he didn’t know what to say. It was around the fifth of December Danny finally snapped him out of it.
"So there's this house you should look at. I think it's perfect for you."
"You kicking me out?"
"Yes. I love you. man, but you need your own place. It's been three years now."
"Okay. give me the address, I'll go look."
"Here's the keys."
Kris laughed. "And how did you get those?"
" A little luck, a little name dropping. Go get dressed, go look at this house."
There was something in Danny's voice, but Kris couldn't quite place it. He shrugged, driving to the outskirts of town. The place was familiar. When he saw the house, he had to double check the address. Surely Danny was joking. He went in, frowning at the rundown state. It was a terrible house, it's only redeeming factor its beach location. And then he saw the backyard. He made a mental note to kill his former assistant for telling Danny the story, then another mental note to send her a dozen roses. The swing set was still there, held together by rust and memories. Kris carefully placed himself on one, slowly rocking back and forth.
"I thought I recognized the neighborhood."
Kris turned in the swing. "Adam?"
Surely it was his imagination, but there he was, just jeans a t-shirt and himself. "Hey, Kris."
Kris didn't move. "I-"
Adam walked over. "No. It's my turn to speak." He sat in the swing beside Kris, gently rocked. "Maybe I do want you to take a full page ad out in every newspaper. I don't know. Maybe we should talk about it. I just sometimes don't know how to deal with it. And if I come off as sullen, just slap me and tell me I'm being stupid, okay? Cause I am. I have written proof that it was you doing the pursuing, and that's enough for me."
Adam stood again, staring at the sun. Kris began to swing again, stopped as Adam turned.
"Okay, there's one more thing."
Kris stood with the swing behind him, unable to speak, frozen. Adam walked back over, cupped his face, pressed his lips against Kris's forehead, his eyes, pausing a moment on his lips. "I think I love you."
"So what are you so afraid of?" Kris sang softly.
At first Adam pretended to look hurt, then laughed. "Not funny, Allen."
"I'm pretty sure I love you too."
"Better."
Adam kissed him again, only to be interrupted by the squealing of the swingset. "We better get out of here," Kris whispered.
"Yeah, where?"
"I don’t know. Bob's sounds pretty good."
Adam shook his head, but they went there anyway. It was exactly the same. The people did like Adam there, who could not like Adam? The waitress was the same one they had had years ago, and she made friendly conversation with them, never once letting on she knew exactly who they were. They tipped her ten times the bill and then some. Then they took pictures with her, just in case her best friend didn’t believe.
"I’m putting this on our wall of fame," she said, Kris and Adam grinning at each other.
"I told you they loved you there."
"Why do you always have to be right about everything, Kris? "
"Cause I am?"
They reached their cars.
"Come home with me."
Kris doesn't blink, doesn't even think about it. "OK"
(VII)
"The funny thing is that the most important thing I ever learned from Danny was one of the first things I ever learned from him. Every night on tour he would give a speech. 'Don't let your mistakes define your life.' He told me once, and I think I'm allowed to tell you now, that trying out for American Idol was one of the biggest mistakes of his life. Because he hadn't given himself enough time to mourn. But he didn't let that ruin his life, he just rolled with the punches and learned from it. Just like every other part of his life. And I'd like to say that I try my best to do that too."
January-February 2014
Kris chose Ellen, because he liked her, told her no question was off the table. When he turned bright red on national television when asked about the sex, he realized some questions probably should have been left alone.
Kris still hadn't officially moved out of Danny's, nor officially moved into Adam's. He lived a half life between them both. He supposed he should get his own place, but he had plenty of time.
They fought about all sorts of stupid things, break up half a dozen times. But then they would see each other, and the make-up sex was amazing. Or that's what Adam said. Kris thought it was their way of testing each other. He actually enjoyed the fights, and not just because of the make-up sex. But because it meant that they were normal.
Kris did not think of it when Danny went out that one time in early February. He barely believed it when Danny came up with a cough two weeks later. Of course he had broken up with Adam (again, this time it was Kris's annoying habit of singing off key in the shower.) He drove Danny to the hospital himself.
"It's just a cold."
"Even colds are dangerous, so shut up."
"Yes, mom."
It was bronchitis. Kris drove home alone, as they wanted to keep Danny in observation. Except he didn't want to be in Danny's house alone. So he drove to Adam's.
"I thought we broke up again yesterday." Adam tilted his head. "Kris, what's wrong?"
"I took Danny to the hospital today. He has bronchitis."
"That's not good."
"No." Kris sat down, folding himself into a ball.
"Kris?"
"I shouldn't have let him go out that day. It was too cold. It was too-"
"Kris?"
He opened his eyes, found Adam looking directly at him. "Yeah?"
"Are you Danny’s mother? His wife? Is he not a full grown adult?"
"No, no, yes."
Adam pulled Kris close. "It's not your fault."
"I just-"
"I know. You've been taking care of him. But it's still not your fault. Come here."
Kris let himself be rocked, held. Adam was right of course. It didn't make the guilt go away, but it helped. Sometimes he forgot that he wasn't responsible for Danny, because Danny was like his brother. So Kris automatically felt responsible in that familial way, in the way where everything that happened to Danny was tied to him, even if it had nothing to do with him.
*
"Adam?"
"Yeah?"
"Why do we keep breaking up?"
"Because the next step in our relationship is either breaking up or moving in, and I don't think I want you living here just yet."
"I practically am anyway."
"Kris-"
"That's okay, I have time to work on it."
One week later the bronchitis turned into pneumonia. Kris began to call Danny's family. The doctor's seem hopeful, but Kris has read everything on the disease. Bronchitis and pneumonia on already damaged lungs was not a good thing. Danny's mom arrived within a day, taking up residence in Danny's house and insisting on cooking for both Kris and Adam. They have both cleared their schedules, despite their publicists screams. Danny had had been there for them, they were going to be there for him.
"Your mom has totally adopted us. It's kind of depressing."
"Really?" Danny's voice is thick, his breathing wet and heavy. "I thought maybe Kris would have moved in with you by now and you'd be having drug fueled orgies."
"I could have lived my whole life without ever hearing the word orgy from you Gokey."
"I do what I can, Lambert."
Adam had to go, promising to be back tomorrow. He had to reschedule an important appearance, and he was going to use his wit and charm to make it happen,
"He doesn't want me to move in yet," Kris said after Adam was gone. "But I'll convince him otherwise."
"You love him."
"Yeah. I love him."
"Good. I'm glad you are happy. Don't let him get away. Not that I think you will, but don’t let it happen. I'm not gonna be there the next time you mess up."
"Danny..."
(VIII)
Kris paused, the last two note cards in his hand. "So mostly I've talked about stuff everyone knows. But that was what I liked the best about Danny. Eventually, once you got past the outside, everything you saw was good. He was the most unselfish guy I knew. He did everything for everyone else, and never asked for anything in return. But the best part about Danny was that no matter what, he had a smile on his face. He liked to laugh. He was genuinely a happy soul."
It was late February. Danny had been in the hospital for three weeks. The doctors kept trying to fight the pneumonia, the bronchitis, but they were losing. Allison swept into town dragging Matt along. They had been able to clear a few days. The others were coming, but Kris knew it was only a matter of time.
"Uno!" Matt gloated as he slapped down a card. "Draw Four, Gokey, color is red!"
Danny grinned "Yeah, yeah, whatever."
"So I heard Kris was crashing at your place now Lambert?"
"I think you heard wrong," Adam glared at Kris, who shrugged.
"I said nothing. It's probably Danny scheming again."
"Uh-huh. I know you. You are going to badger me about it until I cave. I don't think plaid and my decor match very well."
"Well maybe I don't want to move in."
"Cough, LIAR! Cough!" Allison giggled. "You may have gotten better at lying Kris, but anyone can see that was a complete joke."
"Reverse psychology is not your thing, Kris, just annoy the hell out of him like you did before," Danny chimed in.
"Wait a sec. Danny doesn't know?"
Kris looked at Adam. "No. I came up with those on my own."
"What are you talking about?" Matt dropped his card, now engrossed in the conversation
Kris looked down as Adam smiled. "He made me a playlist of songs and reasons why I should be his best friend, why I should be his boyfriend. They were super adorable and extremely convincing."
"There you go, make him a mixtape."
"Thanks," Kris said drily. "Draw Four Matt, Yellow. Oh, and Uno."
He grinned slowly. He had slipped the card in his hand while Matt was distracted. Danny shook his head, but smiled anyway.
*
It was the infection that killed him.
It wasn't uncommon in long-term hospital patients, but Danny was already weak. It was four in the morning when Kris first heard about the infection. It was five when he arrived at the hospital. It was six when he woke again, leaning into Adam, holding his and Allison's hands. It was eight that night when the doctor called Danny's family into see him. It was midnight March the second when he died.
It was sometime later Kris found himself kicking the wall, crying, yelling. Luckily no one else had come back to Danny’s yet. Luckily he was alone. Or so he thought.
"Kris?"
"Leave me alone, Adam."
"No. Not until you talk to me."
"What is there to say?"
"I don't know. Why are you angry? I thought we'd gotten past angry. We've had plenty of time to be angry."
Kris laughed. "That's the problem with defining stages of grief. They come at you in so many ways. This whole time, these last weeks, I've been cycling between anger and bargaining and denial and grief, and I remembered something."
"What's that?"
"This whole time... It's hard, you know? Because technically he's been dying for the last three years, but there was always that slim chance, so you never really knew whether or not to prepare yourself. Because maybe there was a chance, he's alive. But at the same time, he has something that was going to kill him. That did kill him, in the end. So maybe we didn't prepare enough?"
"Okay," Adam stepped forward. "I'm still not sure I understand."
Kris leaned against the wall. "Do you know what I'm feeling right now?"
"No."
"Relief. And that makes me sick. I'm relieved. " Kris felt his face twist. " Did you know sometimes... sometimes I would think he would be better off if it was over?I’d imagine life without him there?" he laughed. "Guess I'm not so perfect now."
"Kris..." Adam stepped closer. "It's okay. Maybe it's normal to feel that way, cause in lots of ways I'm relieved too. Because he's not hurting anymore. Maybe it's normal to think that way. But I’ve said it once, and I'll say it again. It's not your fault."
They held each other tightly then, both of them shaking. Kris felt Allison's arms come around both of them, and the three of them stood there until Danny's family came home.
(IX)
"If I had one last thing to say, it would be that Danny may have stood in the background, but I think for most of us, he affected our lives so much that he was always right in front. I'll miss his advice. I'll miss his laugh. I'll miss his smelly feet. Most of all, I'll miss him."
After it was over, Danny’s mom took them aside. "I know what you two did for him."
Kris and Adam looked at each other. "What?"
"His doctors told me that you both approached them, separately, asked if you could pay his medical bills. You shouldn't have."
Kris rubbed his neck, glancing over at Adam, who was examining his feet. "Ma'am, he, we, I-"
"Hush now. Thank you. Now I believe you two made the last few years better for him. You know that?"
Adam shook his head," No, it was the other way around."
*
Kris was back at a hotel. He had bought land, but wasn't really sure he wanted to build a house. He didn't want his house. He wanted to live with Adam. Unconsciously songs began to form in his head.
Nine Reasons Adam Lambert and Kris Allen should live together
"I Want You Back"- Jackson Five
1. Tryin to live without your love is one long sleepless night- so when we broke up every week, it killed me. Really, I can't stand it when you aren't there. It would be a lot easier if we were in the same house, then I wouldn’t go crazy so often.
"Knock You Down"- Keri Hilton:
2. I never thought I'd be in love like this- seriously. It's scary sometimes. You said the next progression of our relationship was moving in or breaking up. We've tried breaking up. Obviously that isn't working, because we love each other too much.
"Because of You"- Ne-Yo
3. I'm so strung out on you I can barely move, but I like it and it's because of you. Every day I'm with you, I want to be with you more. Love is a drug and you are it for me.
"Endlessly"-Muse
4. I won't give up. I know this is the third time I've used this song, but you have to realize by now, when I want something badly enough I will get it.
"Avalanche"- David Cook
5. I feel alive beside you and all at once I can breathe again. When you are gone away it is as if the air is gone. (no air-air-hahaha) But then you come back, and everything brightens again. I want to be the reason you come home, I want to be at our home when you get there. Our home.
"Four in the morning"- Gwen Stefani-
6. It's not fair how you are, I can't be complete, can you give me more? Sometimes I get frustrated because I have to pull everything out of you. I've practically thrown myself at your feet most of the time, so just once more, give me something? I’ll never ask for anything again. Ever.
"Someone Like You"-New Order
7. You're everything to me, the sweetest symphony- I'm not going to lie, I'm not going to beg. But you have to admit, we could make some pretty cool music (both literally and figuratively) together. I know that's corny, but so am I.
"Happy Together"- the Turtles
8. Me and you and you and me no matter how they toss the dice, it's meant to be. Remember how I talked about fate? How fate let us meet, but the producers put us together? Well maybe fate gave us the circumstances to be together, and Danny pushed us most of the way. We'd be stupid to look fate in the eye and tell her she was wrong.
"We Go Together"- Grease
9. We’re for each other, like a wop ba ba lump and wop bam boom. I mean that. Even though it shouldn't make sense, it does. Who else would make you a music list with Muse, the Jackson Five and songs from Grease? Who else knows everything about you but still wants to know more? I want to be your bop bam boom. I want to be with you. All the time. As much as I can.
June 2014
Kris opened the envelope, grinned at the CD, stared oipen mouthed at the letter inside.
11 Reasons Kris Allen should...
Ok, so I think this is totally corny, and more you than me. But it's tradition, right? I know I left out the subject, but the first song should clue you in.
"Will You Marry Me Boy"- Paula Abdul
1. Last night my heart spoke to me and it said you've found that lover friend, so now I've got the courage to ask you baby- I know, it's cheesy, but somehow a cheesy song from the eighties seems just right for us. Plus it's Paula, so it’s perfect.
2. I want to share your name. The only reason I’ve waited this long is that I was waiting for the referendum to pass in May. In actuality the reason I didn't want you to move in with me was because I wanted to do things the traditional way (shocking, I know) But now that we can, let's go for it.
"Unusual You"- Britney Spears
3. Nothing About You is typical, nothing about you is predictable- I've always hated it when people call you boring. It aggravates me, because they obviously do not know you at all. Every day I am with you is a constant surprise, from your strange habits to other things I will not write down on paper. Someday our children may read these, I don't want to embarrass them too badly. Seriously Kristopher, if people only knew…
4. Maybe you're not human, cause only an angel would be so unusual. Honestly. There are days I doubt your existence because you are an angel. Annoying, stubborn, wonderful, perfect angel.
"Never Tear Us Apart"-INXS
5. I don't have to tell you I love your precious heart. What more can I add to that? Except that I love every part of you, from your crooked jaw to your kicky foot and everything else. I adore you.
"Knock you Down" Keri Hilton-
6. I'll admit it I was scared to answer love's call- I know sometimes I've moved slowly. But I've had my heart broken before, so it's hard for me. But every day you wipe those fears away. Every day I begin to understand that there are a rainbow of reasons (ha didn't think you'd ever hear that again!) that we should be together.
"For good"- Wicked
7 You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart. Every time you are away, I can feel you somewhere-in the house, holding my hand, holding my heart. We'll always be a part of each other. I just want to make it official
"Someone Like You"- New Order
8. You're everything to me, the sweetest symphony. all that I try to be, you are my harmony- we do make good music together. (literally and figuratively). Let's continue to do so. On a daily basis. Hell any time we can. (Sorry kids)
"If I Can't Have You"-Yvonne Ellman
9 I don't want nobody baby- it happened. Remember that I was scared that no one else would match you? I was right. you are perfect- for me. I don't want to compare you to anyone. I want you to be mine and mine alone. I want to be yours and yours alone
"Lovin You"- Minnie Riperton-
10. No one else can make me feel the colors that you bring- I think I'm kind of beating a dead horse here, because I think by now you know how much you mean to me. At least I hope you do. Remind me to tell you every opportunity I get.
11. Stay with me while we grow old- I cannot fathom a future without you in it. Please, just say yes.
Kris folded the piece of paper, following the note that told him to meet Adam at Bob's. "Okay-"
"No, don't say a word just yet, Kris, I have one more thing. Close your eyes and follow me and listen."
"Okay."
Kris felt himself being walked along the beach. "So here it is: I heard you bought land here. I think we should build a house here."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Our house. Not mine, not yours, ours. I already got something for it. Open your eyes."
Kris smiled broadly as he saw it, the swing set to end all swing sets.
"The bonus is the slide is big enough for both of us."
Kris sat on the swing, wiping a tear away. "I-"
Adam knelt, "Kristopher Neil Allen, will you marry me?"
Kris gave him a half smile. "I don't know. it's kind of sudden."
Adam hit him. "You've been pursuing me for the better part of two years!"
"Oh, I guess then we should. If you really want to."
"Kris!"
"Are you kidding, Adam?" He lifted Adam's lips to his own. "Of course I will"
September 2014
Kris was leaning against the slide when Adam handed him another paper. "I couldn't come up with songs, but I think my reasons are pretty sound."
5 Reasons why Kris and Adam should have a Baby
1. No matter the genetics, he or she will be adorable
2 Seriously you and I would be the best dads ever: we have all the subjects covered
3. I think after marriage, babies is usually the next step
4. It would be a shame not to pass on my good looks and talent. And you're kind of okay too.
5. The people at Bob's would love to bounce a baby. you know they would.
Kris grinned, looks up. "Why'd you even make a list?"
"I don't know. It felt right."
Kris kissed Adam's cheek. "You are too perfect. you know that right?'
"I know."
Kris took Adam's hand, pulled him up to the slide. "I want more than one. Should I start compiling songs?"
"No. that sounds pretty good to me."
"Okay names?"
"Too early, don’t you think? But there was something else. "
"What’s that?"
"I mean, I’m not big on the whole religion thing, but Danny should totally be their honorary godfather. Or something."
Kris nodded. "I think we can manage that. "
He folded himself into Adam’s arms, imagining the future, imagining their children screaming and yelling and laughing. And he smiled.