what am i doing so wrong?
Lately I've been wanting to just die, and disappear from the face of the earth. People are pissing me off left and right and making me feel like complete and utter shit. I mean, it takes a lot for me to cry about something like that, but its getting so bad my eyes have been tearing up with rage. People at work, my family, my friends, all of them. They're all making me feel like an asshole. Granted I am an asshole, but in a good way. They're making me feel like a real live motherfucking asshole who doesn't care about anyone or anything. See, the past 6 years of my life, I have lived on my own. From one room mate to the next. Living with sisters, thier boyfriends or even just friends. And for 6 years I have been trying to prove to my family that I am not a failure. I want them to be proud of me. So, I push myself to the limit to make them proud. Only ones who are proud are my parents. But, I want my sisters respect. That'll never happen. Except 2. My oldest sister Robyn, and my baby sister Cathy. Cathy and I used to hate eachother with a deadly passion. But since we've been on our own, we've come so close together. She has two little girls, and I love my nieces like they were my own. My sister Robyn has been putting up with me since I was pretty much a kid. She didn't always live at home, but that's not her fault nor was it her choice. But, she still helps me out when I need it, and I do the same for her. Those are the only two who's respect I have earned. I have another half sister and 3 step sisters, but I rarely see them so I won't speak of them. But my middle sisters, Lisa, Patty, and Heidi, they have no respect for me. They think of my as a user and a freeloader. I hate how they treat me, but they're my sisters so I still love them. But it hurts so much to know what they think of me, thier one and only brother. I try so hard, but it's not enough for them.
My friends are just as bad. The last true friend I had left for Florida back when I was 19. Another went to Florida when I was 14. They never expected anything from me. I loved them both. Tuesday and Noah. They never got to meet eachother but, I'm sure they'd get along. I wish they were still here, but they have thier lives. Tuesday I just found and started talking to again over the net, and Noah I'll see online now and then. Wish there were more friends like them.
Works' just as stressful. People sit there and nag at you, and shit it's pathetic. I wish I was one of those crippled people that got paid to be like that. Just so I don't have to deal with anyone or anything. It's been getting to the point where I'd go out for walks around town, and beat the shit out of a brick wall, or beat the shit out of my own body. I'd trash everything in my room, or anything in my way. I'm beginning to hate my life. I'm beginning to wish I was dead, and have been seriously contemplating making them all happy, and just pulling a trigger against my head. Tuesday told me, to fuck them it's not worth it. She told me only way they'll be proud is if you're proud of yourself. She said, stop trying to make everyone else happy, and start making myself happy. Well, I am trying to make myself happy. But, it's not easy considering the only things you ever loved more then you're own family are all gone. I wish life had dealt me a better hand. Because, I am the failure, and I will never be able to live up to my own or anyone eles expectations... Sorry, Tuesday.. I'm trying... and I'm failing..
My friends are just as bad. The last true friend I had left for Florida back when I was 19. Another went to Florida when I was 14. They never expected anything from me. I loved them both. Tuesday and Noah. They never got to meet eachother but, I'm sure they'd get along. I wish they were still here, but they have thier lives. Tuesday I just found and started talking to again over the net, and Noah I'll see online now and then. Wish there were more friends like them.
Works' just as stressful. People sit there and nag at you, and shit it's pathetic. I wish I was one of those crippled people that got paid to be like that. Just so I don't have to deal with anyone or anything. It's been getting to the point where I'd go out for walks around town, and beat the shit out of a brick wall, or beat the shit out of my own body. I'd trash everything in my room, or anything in my way. I'm beginning to hate my life. I'm beginning to wish I was dead, and have been seriously contemplating making them all happy, and just pulling a trigger against my head. Tuesday told me, to fuck them it's not worth it. She told me only way they'll be proud is if you're proud of yourself. She said, stop trying to make everyone else happy, and start making myself happy. Well, I am trying to make myself happy. But, it's not easy considering the only things you ever loved more then you're own family are all gone. I wish life had dealt me a better hand. Because, I am the failure, and I will never be able to live up to my own or anyone eles expectations... Sorry, Tuesday.. I'm trying... and I'm failing..