suicide, depression and silence
[reposting this from tumblr, which always feels so fleeting]
I'm very sad to hear about Ned Vizzini's death. It's a very hard time of the year -- it's not cheery and happy for everyone, especially those who are having a difficult year. Sometimes the spiral down gets going so fast it's hard to stop it.
I was moved by this tribute until I got to this line: "As I thought of that yesterday, and wondered how somebody so selfless could commit such a selfish act..."
That made me so incredibly angry. That and "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" are such ignorant, pompous and trite platitudes that basically scream "I have no understanding of depression and you're making me uncomfortable by not being happy so just get over it." (I once unfollowed a blog immediately after she wrote the permanent solution line.)
And we wonder why people don't talk about dealing with suicidal urges, no matter how strong. It's hard enough to get through the day, sometimes the hour -- why then try to open up to someone who will blame you for your depression and call you selfish? Or better yet, you try to talk to someone and either they tell you that they have no experience/understanding of depression, yet they know you can "get over it" and you're not trying hard enough OR they decide to take your depression as a personal attack on them and in turn attack you in the most personal of ways. Another third option that I've become very familiar with recently, is that they go against the grain of therapeutic advice and forgo an actual conversation in order to have you involuntarily committed. Because nothing says "i know you're hurting and i care about you" than sending the police after someone in pain, then washing your hands of the situation and walking away.
People are afraid to talk about their feelings because they know that they are being vulnerable in two ways -- in an emotional level and a legal level. Because opening up is hard enough, adding in the fact that you have no idea if a trusted friend will suddenly report you to the police and you will have no say in the matter makes any conversation 100x riskier.
Did you know that as of January 2013, New York state requires psychiatrists to report any patient to the authorities if said patient discusses suicidal thoughts in any serious way? It's no longer up to the doctor to work with the patient who has come to them seeking help -- they must report them to the state and thus are held blameless for anything that happens to the patient. You know, like involuntary commitment for someone who just needed to talk.
I'm so angry about this. And I've been scared into silence by the actions of some people, but not anymore. Last night, I was afraid to post a link to Andrew Solomon's incredible and important TedTalk on Depression for fear of the repercussions. (I was blindsided last time and i don't trust anyone anymore.) Today, seeing A FRIEND of Ned Vizzini call him selfish because he could no longer deal with the pain of this all-encompassing depression pissed me off so much that I've pushed past that fear.
If you've read this far, I thank you. I'm by no means an expert on any of this, but through my own experience and many, many sessions with my therapist, I just ask that if you are worried about someone -- reach out to them, keep trying to get them on the phone until you are having an actual conversation. Then talk. It's okay if you don't know what to say -- say that. Just talk and get them to talk. Yes, there are severe cases but for most in the moment, they just really need someone to listen and try to understand even if you don't. Just keep talking, keep them talking and do it for as long as you can. It won't fix everything, but it'll certainly help in the really hard moments when the spiral is spinning fast and they're doing the best they can to get to the next moment where they can catch their breath.
I'm very sad to hear about Ned Vizzini's death. It's a very hard time of the year -- it's not cheery and happy for everyone, especially those who are having a difficult year. Sometimes the spiral down gets going so fast it's hard to stop it.
I was moved by this tribute until I got to this line: "As I thought of that yesterday, and wondered how somebody so selfless could commit such a selfish act..."
That made me so incredibly angry. That and "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" are such ignorant, pompous and trite platitudes that basically scream "I have no understanding of depression and you're making me uncomfortable by not being happy so just get over it." (I once unfollowed a blog immediately after she wrote the permanent solution line.)
And we wonder why people don't talk about dealing with suicidal urges, no matter how strong. It's hard enough to get through the day, sometimes the hour -- why then try to open up to someone who will blame you for your depression and call you selfish? Or better yet, you try to talk to someone and either they tell you that they have no experience/understanding of depression, yet they know you can "get over it" and you're not trying hard enough OR they decide to take your depression as a personal attack on them and in turn attack you in the most personal of ways. Another third option that I've become very familiar with recently, is that they go against the grain of therapeutic advice and forgo an actual conversation in order to have you involuntarily committed. Because nothing says "i know you're hurting and i care about you" than sending the police after someone in pain, then washing your hands of the situation and walking away.
People are afraid to talk about their feelings because they know that they are being vulnerable in two ways -- in an emotional level and a legal level. Because opening up is hard enough, adding in the fact that you have no idea if a trusted friend will suddenly report you to the police and you will have no say in the matter makes any conversation 100x riskier.
Did you know that as of January 2013, New York state requires psychiatrists to report any patient to the authorities if said patient discusses suicidal thoughts in any serious way? It's no longer up to the doctor to work with the patient who has come to them seeking help -- they must report them to the state and thus are held blameless for anything that happens to the patient. You know, like involuntary commitment for someone who just needed to talk.
I'm so angry about this. And I've been scared into silence by the actions of some people, but not anymore. Last night, I was afraid to post a link to Andrew Solomon's incredible and important TedTalk on Depression for fear of the repercussions. (I was blindsided last time and i don't trust anyone anymore.) Today, seeing A FRIEND of Ned Vizzini call him selfish because he could no longer deal with the pain of this all-encompassing depression pissed me off so much that I've pushed past that fear.
If you've read this far, I thank you. I'm by no means an expert on any of this, but through my own experience and many, many sessions with my therapist, I just ask that if you are worried about someone -- reach out to them, keep trying to get them on the phone until you are having an actual conversation. Then talk. It's okay if you don't know what to say -- say that. Just talk and get them to talk. Yes, there are severe cases but for most in the moment, they just really need someone to listen and try to understand even if you don't. Just keep talking, keep them talking and do it for as long as you can. It won't fix everything, but it'll certainly help in the really hard moments when the spiral is spinning fast and they're doing the best they can to get to the next moment where they can catch their breath.