Often a VERY difficult subject to talk about. How hard it can be to talk to someone about their behaviour (or see that you've just done something uncool) Really good ways to approach the subject here. Reminds me of something a therapist long ago told me. 1. YOU make yourself feel something, no one else can MAKE you upset/angry/sad etc. You allow yourself to feel that way. So when talking to someone about something they've done that may have upset you. A better way to approach them is 'when you did xxxx, I felt xxxx.' Not, 'you made me feel xxxx when you did this.' It all seems true when you say it, but really examining how you word things can make a big difference in how what you said is received. So what is written here can really help with wording things in a much more helpful manner. Thanks for sharing.
As a white guy with a black best friend, we find ourselves in many situations where we get to observe and discuss (and sometimes laugh at the stupidity of) racism. For the most part we don't wind up talking about how racist people are, but about how oblivious they are to the fact that they are being racist in whatever it is they did or said. They really often have no clue. It makes us draw the conclusion not that they are racist, but that they are stupid. Which at least makes us feel less disgusted. But they can be called out on it. There are also those who DO have a clue but don't care. They cannot be called out
( ... )
I heard of an instance that Obama experienced with his grandmother. He explained it in reference to condemning his minister. His grandmother was panhandled once and was terrified to go back to the same place. She made her husband go back with her. Obama asked his grandfather why she was afraid. He said because the men were black. Obama said it was like a boot to the gut that these men who could very well be his brothers were the source of such fear simply because they were the same color as he.
He was saying he couldn't condemn his Minister anymore than he could condemn his beloved grandmother. Feelings are much more complex than that. She was very definitely afraid. But can you possibly call her racist? Her heart was a black man.
These things called humans are not that simple, are they?
He mentions this scene (not with Wright, obviously, but the thing with his grandmother) in his first book, as well. What doesn't get much play is the follow-up to this story, where (and I hope my memory serves me well here) he goes to a much older, long-time black friend of his, and tells him what happened. I wish I could remember it fully... the guy gives this great speech, sort of the other-side-of-the-story thing... talking about why she was *right* to be afraid. It wasn't threatening in any way... not something where he was saying all white people were the devil, and that there was gonna be an uprising to show them their place or anything like that... but a beautiful, if sobering, commentary on society.
I've been wanting to read his book since the election. He just intrigues me. I really think he is a special person, an old soul who can make things happen. I'm going to pick the book up.
I knew the story of his grandma was in his book. He said he couldn't condemn is minister anymore than he could condemn his grandmother. I think the point was that an action as sinister as judging someone based on race was not something to condemn the whole person for. She loved him more than anything yet she had issues. It was a lesson of things not being as easy to determine as people want to think.
It's not either you are or you aren't. If there is a white person who you can say isn't a bigot, surely it's the woman who gave up all extras to raise this child of color that she adored above everything. Yet, she was scared of the pan handlers because of their color.
I think most people are racist. White, black, whatever. We all make judgements based on cultural infuence, personal experiences and fear of difference. I'm not saying it's okay, because it isn't, but I think it is across the board and to differing degrees in everyone everywhere.
I don't have the answers, but I do try and live in as evolved a state as I can, and that means giving people a judgement based on their actions. Most of the time I do well, but sometimes I catch myself having thoughts that are unfair.
Fear and racism are like the twin sides of a coin.
The knee-jerk fear of "other" is where racism makes its home. Getting past that by having an open mind is the first step. Befriending the "other" so that you have a personal face to put on the "other" is, in my mind, the second step.
A very wise man told me that when you put a personal face on that which is different to you, it becomes very difficult to remain fearful of it. I think he's right. For me, racism has always been difficult. My father's best friend was a black man named Ted, and I grew up thinking he was quite literally a part of the family. They've never been "other" or scary to me.
I struggled with that sentence, actually. I didn't want to say "we" because I was using my icon to identify myself as a white person so she would see me as that.
I finally decided to err on the side of caution, as a writer, and use what I figured was "appropriate" languge versus what I wish I could use.
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It's an emotionally volatile subject, but I wanted to provide a little emotional grounding and also in part let people see me a little more as well.
And so it goes...
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white people tend to view it as an individual thing and black people tend to view it as institutional
that statement I think is worth sharing.
**crawls into thinking chair**
mind if I link to this?
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If I minded it wouldn't be public.
It's an open space.
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Really good ways to approach the subject here.
Reminds me of something a therapist long ago told me.
1. YOU make yourself feel something, no one else can MAKE you upset/angry/sad etc. You allow yourself to feel that way. So when talking to someone about something they've done that may have upset you. A better way to approach them is 'when you did xxxx, I felt xxxx.' Not, 'you made me feel xxxx when you did this.'
It all seems true when you say it, but really examining how you word things can make a big difference in how what you said is received. So what is written here can really help with wording things in a much more helpful manner.
Thanks for sharing.
Reply
As a white guy with a black best friend, we find ourselves in many situations where we get to observe and discuss (and sometimes laugh at the stupidity of) racism. For the most part we don't wind up talking about how racist people are, but about how oblivious they are to the fact that they are being racist in whatever it is they did or said. They really often have no clue. It makes us draw the conclusion not that they are racist, but that they are stupid. Which at least makes us feel less disgusted. But they can be called out on it. There are also those who DO have a clue but don't care. They cannot be called out ( ... )
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There is nothing wrong with not knowing the answer to a question.
Nothing.
It's the willful decision NOT to know or learn that's the issue.
"I don't know" are not bad words and too often we make them so.
Worse words, "I'm not going to try." That's worse.
/my 2 cents
I'm gonna wear out that sopabox if I'm not careful.
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I put the comment here as the strength to claim ignorance is the first step to enlightenment.
You have tremendous power with your writings and I appreciate your courage
namaste'
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I feel ya. I never know how to react in that kind of situation.
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He was saying he couldn't condemn his Minister anymore than he could condemn his beloved grandmother. Feelings are much more complex than that. She was very definitely afraid. But can you possibly call her racist? Her heart was a black man.
These things called humans are not that simple, are they?
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If you haven't read his book, it's so worth it.
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I knew the story of his grandma was in his book. He said he couldn't condemn is minister anymore than he could condemn his grandmother. I think the point was that an action as sinister as judging someone based on race was not something to condemn the whole person for. She loved him more than anything yet she had issues. It was a lesson of things not being as easy to determine as people want to think.
It's not either you are or you aren't. If there is a white person who you can say isn't a bigot, surely it's the woman who gave up all extras to raise this child of color that she adored above everything. Yet, she was scared of the pan handlers because of their color.
Fear isn't easy to understand.
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I don't have the answers, but I do try and live in as evolved a state as I can, and that means giving people a judgement based on their actions. Most of the time I do well, but sometimes I catch myself having thoughts that are unfair.
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The knee-jerk fear of "other" is where racism makes its home. Getting past that by having an open mind is the first step. Befriending the "other" so that you have a personal face to put on the "other" is, in my mind, the second step.
A very wise man told me that when you put a personal face on that which is different to you, it becomes very difficult to remain fearful of it. I think he's right. For me, racism has always been difficult. My father's best friend was a black man named Ted, and I grew up thinking he was quite literally a part of the family. They've never been "other" or scary to me.
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Not picking on you.
Just illustrating moment vs. eternity.
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I finally decided to err on the side of caution, as a writer, and use what I figured was "appropriate" languge versus what I wish I could use.
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