Fear and Loathing in Slidell.
Fear not bored people (Ned, and Angela {perhaps?} here we go:
In weather, it seems that we have skipped winter and fallen straight into spring. Weather is nice, but it caused me to have a strange dream involving parades, aunts, mothers, my sister getting high, girl from chalmette throwing these gagutzas (sic) off a float, someone from school I see around throwing me a Friar Tuck's doll, and so on. Would have been crazier had my alarm clock not gone off.
We were somewhere around New Orleans East, on the edge of civilization when the traffic suddenly fell to a grinding halt. My good friend, Justin takes my bleu Blockers and puts them on the brim of his cap, "Let's do this shit Chuckles", he tells me. I break out into a fit of hysterical laughter, and ask him "what the fuck are you talking about man?". Suddenly, he flips on my map light switch (a cool feature in some buicks) and says "come on dude, I know this thing has a hover craft feature". So, to go along with the boredom of being stuck in traffic for 45 minutes in the middle of nowhere, I start trying to figure out what's the proper way of sending the white rhino into orbit. Including putting my A/C in "hi" instead of "lo" because as I said "lo means 'land only' and hi means 'hover...indecently?'" But, alas nothing worked. So, I realized that my vehicle does not in fact involve a hover feature, but rather a submarine feature where "lo still means 'land only' but, hi means 'hydro...initiation'." Upset at our new finding we started to wonder what the place we were going to would be like. Kevin was coming too...more on that later.
Suddenly, as if the red sea had parted allowing us, the humble and thankful expeditionarily spirited young fucks, safe passage over the battle damaged twin spans connecting New Orleans to Slidell, we make it to the ground of "The land of a thousand something or others". Anyway, in Slidell we start looking for our destination: Scuttlebutt. Yea, yea so it's a topless bar. It has a vending machine with cigarettes, and a pool table, so back off. Me and Justin sit there joking and waiting for Kevin to arrive. It's his first time in a strip club mind you, and he's always uptight, so one can imagine his sudden arm folding, leg tucking behavior. Completely uninterested in being here, we start heckling him. Suddenly, the only stripper I tipped, and only because I felt completely sorry for her, seeing as she wasn't making any money that night, walks over to me. Being of the African American Persuasion, she throws my leg up, sits on my lap and says "hey, how you doing?" What follows is the greatest encounter ever in a strip club.
She was 32, or at least that's what she told us, with a straight head on her shoulders and an explanation of why she does this, why the girls in the back do it and so on. We tell her of our experience in Juan's Girls Girls Girls, to which she says "Look boys, I know you're young, and I'm giving you sound advice here. When a sign says 'girls girls girls' it really means 'don't don't don't'. Okay...maybe you had to be there. She then tells us this story about how her friends dressed her up like a drag queen and took her down Bourbon, in the gay part of town where the gay guys were standing there, watching her and saying "Oh, what a pretty girl!" To which she replied "I'm a real girl!" over and over, and suddenly in a fit of frustration yelled "I am a real girl!!!", lifted up her skirt and revealed to the men around her that she was in fact, anatomically slighted to have what most people call a "vagina", the men freaked out while she yelled "See! I am a real girl, you boys wish you had a vagina!" After, we sat there talking to her and all that jazz. Wish I could remember more of the conversation, cause it was great. Oh! Yea, that's what happened, she gave Kevin a lap dance, rubbed his hand on her crotch, all the while Kevin feeling more awkward by the minute. He would not unfold his arms for the life of him. It's so easy to tell when he feels awkward and uncomfortable, the arms fold and he stays seated, freaked out and refusing to move his arms for the life of him.
OH! I have to describe the decor of the place. Picture yourself in a strip club from GTA, okay, almost there. Now, imagine a designer who threw up day glo colors everywhere. Also, while designing this place he was tripping acid. The only explanation. Painting of girls on the ceilings, walls, everywhere. Now, just for the ambience: black lights and strobe. The couches glew with the brightness of 1,000 suns as we somehow achieved a tan in a windowless titty bar.
Time for class now,
But, that's pretty much some of the story of Scuttlebutt and our experience with a really nice black stripper who was quite amusing.
yr. friend,
Guss
In weather, it seems that we have skipped winter and fallen straight into spring. Weather is nice, but it caused me to have a strange dream involving parades, aunts, mothers, my sister getting high, girl from chalmette throwing these gagutzas (sic) off a float, someone from school I see around throwing me a Friar Tuck's doll, and so on. Would have been crazier had my alarm clock not gone off.
We were somewhere around New Orleans East, on the edge of civilization when the traffic suddenly fell to a grinding halt. My good friend, Justin takes my bleu Blockers and puts them on the brim of his cap, "Let's do this shit Chuckles", he tells me. I break out into a fit of hysterical laughter, and ask him "what the fuck are you talking about man?". Suddenly, he flips on my map light switch (a cool feature in some buicks) and says "come on dude, I know this thing has a hover craft feature". So, to go along with the boredom of being stuck in traffic for 45 minutes in the middle of nowhere, I start trying to figure out what's the proper way of sending the white rhino into orbit. Including putting my A/C in "hi" instead of "lo" because as I said "lo means 'land only' and hi means 'hover...indecently?'" But, alas nothing worked. So, I realized that my vehicle does not in fact involve a hover feature, but rather a submarine feature where "lo still means 'land only' but, hi means 'hydro...initiation'." Upset at our new finding we started to wonder what the place we were going to would be like. Kevin was coming too...more on that later.
Suddenly, as if the red sea had parted allowing us, the humble and thankful expeditionarily spirited young fucks, safe passage over the battle damaged twin spans connecting New Orleans to Slidell, we make it to the ground of "The land of a thousand something or others". Anyway, in Slidell we start looking for our destination: Scuttlebutt. Yea, yea so it's a topless bar. It has a vending machine with cigarettes, and a pool table, so back off. Me and Justin sit there joking and waiting for Kevin to arrive. It's his first time in a strip club mind you, and he's always uptight, so one can imagine his sudden arm folding, leg tucking behavior. Completely uninterested in being here, we start heckling him. Suddenly, the only stripper I tipped, and only because I felt completely sorry for her, seeing as she wasn't making any money that night, walks over to me. Being of the African American Persuasion, she throws my leg up, sits on my lap and says "hey, how you doing?" What follows is the greatest encounter ever in a strip club.
She was 32, or at least that's what she told us, with a straight head on her shoulders and an explanation of why she does this, why the girls in the back do it and so on. We tell her of our experience in Juan's Girls Girls Girls, to which she says "Look boys, I know you're young, and I'm giving you sound advice here. When a sign says 'girls girls girls' it really means 'don't don't don't'. Okay...maybe you had to be there. She then tells us this story about how her friends dressed her up like a drag queen and took her down Bourbon, in the gay part of town where the gay guys were standing there, watching her and saying "Oh, what a pretty girl!" To which she replied "I'm a real girl!" over and over, and suddenly in a fit of frustration yelled "I am a real girl!!!", lifted up her skirt and revealed to the men around her that she was in fact, anatomically slighted to have what most people call a "vagina", the men freaked out while she yelled "See! I am a real girl, you boys wish you had a vagina!" After, we sat there talking to her and all that jazz. Wish I could remember more of the conversation, cause it was great. Oh! Yea, that's what happened, she gave Kevin a lap dance, rubbed his hand on her crotch, all the while Kevin feeling more awkward by the minute. He would not unfold his arms for the life of him. It's so easy to tell when he feels awkward and uncomfortable, the arms fold and he stays seated, freaked out and refusing to move his arms for the life of him.
OH! I have to describe the decor of the place. Picture yourself in a strip club from GTA, okay, almost there. Now, imagine a designer who threw up day glo colors everywhere. Also, while designing this place he was tripping acid. The only explanation. Painting of girls on the ceilings, walls, everywhere. Now, just for the ambience: black lights and strobe. The couches glew with the brightness of 1,000 suns as we somehow achieved a tan in a windowless titty bar.
Time for class now,
But, that's pretty much some of the story of Scuttlebutt and our experience with a really nice black stripper who was quite amusing.
yr. friend,
Guss