(no subject)
I feel like something.. can't... talk...
Something is brewing, it just started a few hours ago. It feels like it could be right here in front of me or in the next room, but I don't know what it looks like or what it's called.
Some kind of jumble of feelings. Sad feelings that have no determinate roots. Thinking about the past, people I knew, being a kid.
Not thinking about these things seriously, but more like watching myself think about them. The thoughts suggest themselves as being reasonable to be thought about, so I do, but in a passive sort of way.
I keep having dreams where I need to explain myself, defend my thoughts, and I keep letting myself down. In them I brush up against people from the past and they challenge my world view, my way of thinking, and I find myself lost.
I tell myself that I know I think such and such for a good reason, having decided it at some prior time for concrete reasons, but when I'm put up against a wall I can't spit out what they are.
It's as if those in my dreams are attempting to suggest that, no, I don't own my current opinions, but am only borrowing them, parroting. I'm speechless, or rather, I cannot speak. The only thing that can run through my dreaming thoughts is "But of course that's how things are, it's been made so obvious. At any rate, their methods for living life blow, and that's been made perfectly clear." But by what example? In my dreams, I can't know. When I'm there I cease to own my rational thinking. I feel pressured to accept by feeling, since hearts know what is true.
In my dreams, they can always push me, but I can't push back. My position about things is one that doesn't allow me to. You can't argue when there's no basis for an argument. Feeling is the only standard, and in my dreams I'm stripped of everything but that, leaving me with empty hands, palms up, confused.
I shrug and I uncomfortably try to laugh it off, but I know I screwed up. It's not that I couldn't talk, it's just that I had no words to say.
I cannot own my reasons. Perhaps I don't yet. If I owned them, I wouldn't lose them, would I? But then how is that different from just being a very well trained parrot, instead of just an ordinary one?
When are we ever able to determine when we own our way of thinking? When we've explored as much as we can manage to find? When we apply it to our lives?
Do we ever own our thoughts? Can we claim ownership on one set of ideas, when we know good and well that another set is borrowed wholesale? And sure, we all have entire sets of knowledge that's not ours. We never thought the shit up first.
But you can't just dump it, no. You need it, or if you don't, you use it nonetheless.
How do I justify believing something, knowing I didn't create the thought originally?
- Essentially, how do I justify thinking, and tying it necessarily to myself, as opposed to someone else.
Did I think that, or did you? Certainly, I wrote it, but how much is that worth?
Who creates original thoughts these days?
Are we misled... in thinking that anyone ever did...?
So I don't know where I stand. There's a lot I can't be sure of. I don't ever know how to be sure of it.
Maybe the difference between me and them is that at least I can see that much.
Something is brewing, it just started a few hours ago. It feels like it could be right here in front of me or in the next room, but I don't know what it looks like or what it's called.
Some kind of jumble of feelings. Sad feelings that have no determinate roots. Thinking about the past, people I knew, being a kid.
Not thinking about these things seriously, but more like watching myself think about them. The thoughts suggest themselves as being reasonable to be thought about, so I do, but in a passive sort of way.
I keep having dreams where I need to explain myself, defend my thoughts, and I keep letting myself down. In them I brush up against people from the past and they challenge my world view, my way of thinking, and I find myself lost.
I tell myself that I know I think such and such for a good reason, having decided it at some prior time for concrete reasons, but when I'm put up against a wall I can't spit out what they are.
It's as if those in my dreams are attempting to suggest that, no, I don't own my current opinions, but am only borrowing them, parroting. I'm speechless, or rather, I cannot speak. The only thing that can run through my dreaming thoughts is "But of course that's how things are, it's been made so obvious. At any rate, their methods for living life blow, and that's been made perfectly clear." But by what example? In my dreams, I can't know. When I'm there I cease to own my rational thinking. I feel pressured to accept by feeling, since hearts know what is true.
In my dreams, they can always push me, but I can't push back. My position about things is one that doesn't allow me to. You can't argue when there's no basis for an argument. Feeling is the only standard, and in my dreams I'm stripped of everything but that, leaving me with empty hands, palms up, confused.
I shrug and I uncomfortably try to laugh it off, but I know I screwed up. It's not that I couldn't talk, it's just that I had no words to say.
I cannot own my reasons. Perhaps I don't yet. If I owned them, I wouldn't lose them, would I? But then how is that different from just being a very well trained parrot, instead of just an ordinary one?
When are we ever able to determine when we own our way of thinking? When we've explored as much as we can manage to find? When we apply it to our lives?
Do we ever own our thoughts? Can we claim ownership on one set of ideas, when we know good and well that another set is borrowed wholesale? And sure, we all have entire sets of knowledge that's not ours. We never thought the shit up first.
But you can't just dump it, no. You need it, or if you don't, you use it nonetheless.
How do I justify believing something, knowing I didn't create the thought originally?
- Essentially, how do I justify thinking, and tying it necessarily to myself, as opposed to someone else.
Did I think that, or did you? Certainly, I wrote it, but how much is that worth?
Who creates original thoughts these days?
Are we misled... in thinking that anyone ever did...?
So I don't know where I stand. There's a lot I can't be sure of. I don't ever know how to be sure of it.
Maybe the difference between me and them is that at least I can see that much.