Long and Kinda Random...
This is getting complicated. I don't know how I can manage without hurting someone. Including myself. I don't want to do anything that is going to depress me or hurt me. I'm tired of that. I really am. I want to be happy, compeltely happy. And I want to make everyone I care for happy as well. Which is where the problems come in.
I love my friends. And I've let my pride get in the way of that... I can't back down. I can't give up, or be weak. Yet in order to keep some of my friends, I will have to. I'm tired of highschool, I really am. I love Santa Su.. but I am tired of highschool. I'm going to do my best to become closer again with those I still consider a friend. I miss them. I miss being close to people. I've gotten very..withdrawn. I've become distant. I don't mean to shut you guys out, I really don't. I had trust thrown in my face, and shut down on everyone because of it. I am also just so very busy..I never really have time to hang out anymore. And that also makes me distant. And I miss you guys... I'm feeling excluded, and I take that as an opportunity to dismiss you guys, so I won't feel bad about always being busy. I want to become closer to you guys again though...
Koga...It's been far to long since we've talked and hung out...We talk for a couple minutes here and there, but that never really does anything. You've always been someone I trusted and care for... It doesn't matter how little we talk, I still regard you as one of the closest people to me... I don't know much fo whats going on in your life, except for what I read on LJ. And you know very little of mine... which isn't how it was, and I miss that.. I miss being able to talk to you.. and just the randomness of hanging out ... hehe. Strawberry Sign and Jason.
Missie... If you even still read this... It's odd... We barely talk, we never hang out anymore, and yet, I still trust you, and if given the chance, will still wanna talk to you if theres anything going on in my life... and I want to know whats going on in yours. I miss having someone who was closer than a sister. Theres issues, as me and Kyle don't always get along. And you get stuck in the middle, and will always defend Kyle, and fight for him, which is as it should be. But it leaves me on the outside, and I hate it.. I don't know if me and Kyle can NOT argue, but I can at least make a serious attempt at keeping my mouth shut. Over Christmas Break..I wanna try to find some time to hang out, just us two, every now and then....mmk? Please? Get everyone together a couple times, and such, but....please?
Bretta... I want to be close again. I distanced myself, and hid so much of my life when I started dating Teresa, because you didn't approve of it at the time (I don't know your opinion anymore) But I never managed to undo that distance. And I want to. I still regard you as a sister...even if we never see eachother, or talk, your still family, and I still love you... And will always be here, the second you need anything.
I could go on for a very long time, writing something to each and every person I care about in my life...but some of those things I don't want others to read, and besides that, it would simply take to long.. maybe another time.
I'm going to try to actually be healthy. Eat normal amounts, on a normal schedule, with little junk food. I'm not sure what I can do about sleep.. I'm an insomniac, and it's not caused by stress or anything, so I don't know. But I can at least try to sleep a bit more than I am used to. And I suppose I should cut down on the caffiene..I'm tired of always being tired from the crash.. and it takes too much caffiene to stop me crashing, that I always am.. So thats gonna be new.
School.... I need to start caring. I AM going to graduate. But I need to stop blowing off my work if I am going to.... I'm going to start actually making sure I do it all...
I want to go to Rocky again... I want to go with Koga and Teresa and Megan and them.... I had fun last time, but.. I don't much care for separated from them by the barrier of them going more often... And that barrier was put up quite clearly.
I'm tired of being shy. I need to work on that.