(no subject)
I open up my e-mail, start a new one, and end up staring at the blank canvas for ages. "Dear ___" and that's it. I need to write several of these, but I just don't know if I have the energy to. But I have to. I don't want to seem like I'm running away. To be honest, that's probably what's happening. I'm afraid of something with each and every single e-mail. As if its something I'll regret, and it would be better to forget. But I can't forget, and I know I'll regret it even MORE if I don't face it, but when it feels like the result is not going to be the one I want, it is...just this sort of fear. I guess?
It's just a weird feeling that I can feel comfort and a looming feeling (idk how to explain this one) all at the same time. It's confusing. Everything is confusing. I cannot understand. And it's really hard to deal with it. There was one point I was so afraid and honestly, I don't want to face that again. I don't know my feelings. I can try and lay it out but I don't think they'll make the sense they need to.
I care. The energy is just missing. Sometimes it just hurts a bit too much. Because even now, I still don't know what I am doing wrong? And when I point it out, I don't get a reply. Just anger, silence, and then suddenly, everything is okay AND IT'S FRUSTRATING. Sometimes it's enough to make me cry. WHY DID YOU DISAPPEAR. WHERE ARE YOU. Did those memories not happen? Is it suddenly okay or is it NOT okay?
If it's not okay, then why did you try to make me feel like it was? Why did you seem so happy when all you could do was curse under your breath? I loved you so much and I did not see that I was hurting you. I saw a brief moment of unhappiness and then you came to me, smiling. Was I supposed to just assume that you were still angry? I cannot figure that out at all.
Why do people swear I am trying to hurt them on purpose when these same people say I would never do such a thing? I AM SO CONFUSED. They sit there, hugging me, holding me, smiling with me, and soon enough, I find out that this was all a farce because underneath, I was hurting them.
I'm so quick to forgive and forget so this sort of thing boggles me. I understand that is not everyone and I don't mind that at all, but it's why I don't understand.
I don't understand anything. How will I ever write those e-mails if I am still having trouble figuring out just what the problem is? Some people tell me and I don't understand. Some people don't tell me and I don't understand.
Why?
Do you still look at me like I look at you? I think about you. I talk about you. I miss you. I miss the things we've had. I want to joke around with you. When was it that you didn't want to joke around with me anymore and instead, I became, "that person who hurt me"?
I am tired of fixing things when I can't even find the crack that is breaking everything. I only have so much glue, but it does not seem to be enough or strong enough.
I love everyone. Even if you hurt me, I loved you and I could love you again. I might still do. I don't want to hurt you.
Why don't people trust that my heart is in the right place when I've done it for everyone else? Just now, when I wrote that, I suddenly felt so selfish. Augh. I don't want to be an attention whore and I know that people do and it's like...Idk.
I WILL write something. To everyone. One day.
On a last note, this is a jumbled mess of feelings so consider it like seventeen entries at once. I'm trying to sift through my thoughts. It's definitely not all related to one another, and it's definitely not pointing at any single person.
It's just a weird feeling that I can feel comfort and a looming feeling (idk how to explain this one) all at the same time. It's confusing. Everything is confusing. I cannot understand. And it's really hard to deal with it. There was one point I was so afraid and honestly, I don't want to face that again. I don't know my feelings. I can try and lay it out but I don't think they'll make the sense they need to.
I care. The energy is just missing. Sometimes it just hurts a bit too much. Because even now, I still don't know what I am doing wrong? And when I point it out, I don't get a reply. Just anger, silence, and then suddenly, everything is okay AND IT'S FRUSTRATING. Sometimes it's enough to make me cry. WHY DID YOU DISAPPEAR. WHERE ARE YOU. Did those memories not happen? Is it suddenly okay or is it NOT okay?
If it's not okay, then why did you try to make me feel like it was? Why did you seem so happy when all you could do was curse under your breath? I loved you so much and I did not see that I was hurting you. I saw a brief moment of unhappiness and then you came to me, smiling. Was I supposed to just assume that you were still angry? I cannot figure that out at all.
Why do people swear I am trying to hurt them on purpose when these same people say I would never do such a thing? I AM SO CONFUSED. They sit there, hugging me, holding me, smiling with me, and soon enough, I find out that this was all a farce because underneath, I was hurting them.
I'm so quick to forgive and forget so this sort of thing boggles me. I understand that is not everyone and I don't mind that at all, but it's why I don't understand.
I don't understand anything. How will I ever write those e-mails if I am still having trouble figuring out just what the problem is? Some people tell me and I don't understand. Some people don't tell me and I don't understand.
Why?
Do you still look at me like I look at you? I think about you. I talk about you. I miss you. I miss the things we've had. I want to joke around with you. When was it that you didn't want to joke around with me anymore and instead, I became, "that person who hurt me"?
I am tired of fixing things when I can't even find the crack that is breaking everything. I only have so much glue, but it does not seem to be enough or strong enough.
I love everyone. Even if you hurt me, I loved you and I could love you again. I might still do. I don't want to hurt you.
Why don't people trust that my heart is in the right place when I've done it for everyone else? Just now, when I wrote that, I suddenly felt so selfish. Augh. I don't want to be an attention whore and I know that people do and it's like...Idk.
I WILL write something. To everyone. One day.
On a last note, this is a jumbled mess of feelings so consider it like seventeen entries at once. I'm trying to sift through my thoughts. It's definitely not all related to one another, and it's definitely not pointing at any single person.