AnnihilHate the cockroach.
So I sit here, after having turned off the phone sex lines for the evening. Crossed legs, in the same pajamas I've worn all day. Void of the conversations Ken and I had about everything, nothing important. Talking to my best friends, who may be the best people in the world. I don't need to name them by names. They know who they are. You may not deserve to know the parts of them I do, anyway.
I've come to realize, just now, that life completes full circles. My life has had these patterns, that seem to keep reappearing. My general attitude has quit diversifying, and I'm rekindling a lot of the feelings, mannerisms, and perspectives I used to have when I was a little girl. When I was a girl, I was very subserviant. A lot more willing to please the masses. I was seen. I was not heard, near as much. Now, anyone that has a hint of who I am, knows that I will not neglect to voice when I feel I'm being wronged. However, I've toned myself down, so much lately. The consistant desire to make peace with others, to please others, has consumed me lately. In turned, I am pleased by the way that I and I others interact without discomfort or flaw. The primary difference being, I didn't interact with many others when I was little. However, I had nothing but amazing relationships with those I did communicate with.
When I was little, I was a nerd. I went to rock and mineral shows, and had straight across bangs. I was socially inept. Now, I nerd out over different things, still have straight across bangs, but am a bit more socially functional.
When I was little, my mother was my life source. I'm glad that we're on a better wavelength again. I need that. She helps me be a better person, when she's being one of the best people she can be. I need my mother more than I've ever admitted before. Even though she isn't here, I require the ability to call her [sober] and cry to her when I burned the spinache lasagna.
When I was little, I refused to clean my room. It's funny how, even as an adult with a clean house, I still refuse to clean my room.
When I was little, I nurtured little animals. I thrived on it. Now, I don't nurture little animals. I nurture little people. Sometimes I nurture big people,too. This is an accomplishment,because I don't feel I was doing that appropriately,for a while.
however...
When I was little, I was a bit of a martyr. I will never do that again. There is a grave distinction between being a functional passive person, making some sacrifice for the greater good, and being a martyr.
When I was little, I was overly sensitive. I will never be as weak as I was then.
When I was little, I was never idealistic. I've actually learned how to incorporate a little bit of idealism. I find it makes me a better person.
When I was little, I liked The Spice Girls. I'm glad I've grown up a little.
...and on that note...
*to the tune of iron man*
HE IS RYON S.
DUNADUNADUNADUN RYON S.
people come in full circle,too