LOTR - The musical. A preview
"Hey, Monkeyslag! My word, it's warm out."
"Then put it away, Pip. I have some important documents here."
"What is it? Proof that you and Bumfuzz are gay because of the signals you give with your haircuts?"
"No, it's the words for the Lord of the Rings musical."
"But do you not have the music as well?"
"No, my little Scottish bumcake. But it appears that, to save money, they've taken the music from famous songs from old musicals. Look, here's Sam at the beginning of the film."
Our gaffer's he's the best
Smoking pipeweed all the time, talking nonsense down the pub
And there's Rosie, she's a dream
She's the one I'm gonna wed if I ever get the nerve
Our hole, in the middle of our hill
Our hole, in the middle of our hill
"And here's a song we all sing as we leave the Shire."
Follow the Rivendell road
Follow the Rivendell road
Follow the Rivendell road
Follow the Rivendell road
We're off to see the wizard
The wonderful wizard of Grey
We've heard he is a heck of a wiz
The cleverest of the day
We'd like to praise him if we may
He's bold and brave and certainly gay
Hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray!
That wonderful, wonderful wizard of Grey!
"This must be from the Council of Elrond."
[Gandalf] When I read in Gondor's books that we were in the mire
I came right back and took the Ring and threw it in the fire
I pulled it out again with tongs and what then did I see?
Fiery words of Mordor, this is what they said to me:
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
This is what the letters say in language that is frightening
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
Dum-diddle-iddle-iddle-um-diddle-ay
Dum-diddle-iddle-iddle-um-diddle-ay
[Elrond] The Ruling Ring was forged by Sauron many years ago
I don't have to sing this crap I'm Agent Smith you know
But I will keep on doing it just for Peter J
So I'll join you one more time and this is what we'll say.
Oh-
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
This is what the letters say in language that is frightening
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
Dum-diddle-iddle-iddle-um-diddle-ay
Dum-diddle-iddle-iddle-um-diddle-ay
"Is this Boromir singing to Aragorn, MS? One for the rugby tackle fans ..."
Take that look off your face
I can see through your smile
You would love to be king
I bet you would just do anything
To take hold of the crown you had before
Well I've got news for you.
Not in Gondor
"Hey, Golden Wonder, this looks like more from Elrond van Dyke."
Consider yourselves well in
Consider yourselves part of the Fellowship
You don't have a chance to win
But at least you're going to die with style.
"This is Saruman, Pip!"
If I had the One Ring
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
All day long I'd sit and torture elves
If I had the Ruling Ring
If I had the One Ring
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
I would be the wizard who's in charge
If I had the Ruling Ring
"And another one for Saruman? He gets a lot of songs, doesn't he?"
Goblins and Uruks with hands on their faces
Burning down homesteads in all sorts of places
Unfaithful servants, spying on kings
These are a few of my favourite things
Smelters and melters and crystal ball gazing
Mountains and wolves that are truly amazing
Servants of Morgoth with fiery wings
These are a few of my favourite things
"This one's just called 'Morian Rhapsody'."
[Orc leader] I see a little hobbit running down the stairs
[Orcs] Khazad-Dum! Khazad-Dum! Can we go and get the cave troll?
[Hobbits] Fiery whips and lightning, very very frightening me.
[Legolas] Flame of Udun!
[Gandalf] Flame of Udun!
[Legolas] Flame of Udun!
[Gandalf] Flame of Udun!
[Legolas & Gandalf] Flame of Udun! You must go!
[Frodo] Saruman has a Balrog put aside for me, for me, for meeeeeeee!
"Here's Arwen whining again. Typical woman!"
All I want is a tower somewhere
Warm and moated for us to share
With one great regal chair
Oh wouldn't it be luverly?
Oh so Elbereth Gilthoniel! So much fun
I would never shift till the Fourth Age had begun.
"Oh this is from a bit with us in it! Oh, it's when the orcs are about to eat us."
Food, glorious food!
Fresh hobbit and halfling!
Puts us in the mood
For roast elf and dumplings
"Oh, a bold marching song for Sam and Frodo!"
Oh, Sauron sent the Nazgul after Baggins and the Ring
Sauron sent the Nazgul after Baggins and the Ring
Sauron sent the Nazgul after Baggins and the Ring
And Baggins did reply
Who the fucking hell is Sauron?
Who the fucking hell is Sauron?
Who the fucking hell is Sauron?
In relation to me getting out of bed.
[Gollum] Stupid hobbitses!
"Ah, here are songs from Helm's Deep."
[Legolas] I'm
Putting on my jerkin
Feathering my arrows
Loading up with nails
[Gimli] I'm
Sharpening my old axe
Strapping down my helmet
Buffing up my mail
[Orc leader] Theoden you're an old man horse man calling up your kids ain't gonna save your butt you know
We're gonna blow up your walls
Tear down your halls
Kill all your men and kick you in the balls
[Uruk-hai] (Singing) We will we will stuff you
(Everybody) we will we will stuff you.
[Theoden] We've fought and we've died
We've faced our despair
At first the elves helped us
But then they weren't there
And bad mistakes
That culvert was one
But you've tried every trick in your book, and we've carried on
We are the Champions my friend
And we'll keep on fighting till the end
We are the Champions
We are the Champions
No songs for Robbie
'Cos we are the Champions
"Oh, Faramir gets a song!"
Nazgul
They're not kindly, no they're cruel
And they're certainly no fools
As they fly through the air
I remember, I used to know what slashable means
Now the new day's not begun
"This must be right at the end."
[Aragorn] I know you're thinking who is this man?
Who does he think he is, coming to Gondor and saying he's king?
Well, I'm not crazy
A Ranger for years, Aragorn is my name,
The North Kingdom's Heir am I,
And I've one thing to say
Don't cry for me, Minas Tirith
The truth is, I never left you
I came and served here
In disguise then
Men called me Thorongil
To that I answered
[Chorus of Gondor] Aragorn! Superstar!
He wears funny knickers and he wears a bra!
"And finally, here's Arwen from the after-coronation orgy, sorry, party."
A kiss on the hand may be all right in Gondor
But hobbits are a girl's best friend
Without these bold lads we'd be all ruled by Mordor
Or just be dead! Slit our throats, cut off our heads.
Men grow cold as Elves don't grow old
And we don't lose our charms iin the end
But beer gut and nose scrape
These hobbits have no shape!
Hobbits are a girl's best friend!
"It'll all seems fine, Pip, except, there's no duet for us!"
"You're right. How about 'I talk to the trees, and they talk back to me'?"
"Or, how about ..."
[Monkeyslag] Dum dum-dum dum-dum dum-dum-dum-dum
Dum dum-dum dum-dum dum-dum-dum-dum
Shire loving, had me a blast
[Pipsqueak] Shire loving, happened so fast
[Monkeyslag] Met a boy, crazy for me
[Pipsqueak] Met a boy, cute as can be
[Both] Shire fun, something's begun,
But, oh, for those Shire nights
[Slashtastic Four] Well-a, well-a, well-a
Tell me more, tell me more
[Lady Moonray] Were his pubes nice and trim?
[Slashtastic Four] Tell me more, tell me more
[Gloria] Did you give him a rim?
[All] Ah-hah, ah-hah, ah-hah
(... and so on, but we really have battered this joke to death now ...)