Another birthday fic for Jenn
[Orli, Sean Bean and Ian McKellen are sat around a table drinking beers.]
Orli: So anyway, I told Lij, like, get over it, man.
Sean: No way, dude!
Orli: Way! But he's too hung up on this chick.
Sean: Oh well, whatever.
Ian: Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I got so wasted I hurled all over the sidewalk?
[Enter The Slashtastic Four!]
Gloria: We are the Slashtastic Four (Laz's application still being pending) and we have come to stop this! You're all talking like Americans, but you're all from our side of the Atlantic!
Orli: You're crazy! I'm as English as that Duke of Edinboro guy!
Lobelia: He's Greek you idiot! And it's EdinBURGH!
Gloria: Lady Moonray, the Ethnicity bomb, please.
[LM hurls the bomb at the actors. There is a flash of light.]
Gloria: Right, let's try again.
Orli: So I fahkin' said to Lij, I said, Oi, Wood! Leave it fahkin' aht! She's a fahkin' slag and she'll always be a fahkin' slag.
Sean: By 'eck lad, thar's nay need to talk like that about yon lass. Anyway, I'm off to me whippets.
Ian: So I was there with darling Dickie and darling Johnnie and that shit Caine, and we were all so fucking pissed we puked up on the pavement.
[Enter Hugo and Viggo]
Hugo: 'Ello you pommy bastards! Fancy a XXXX before we go shag a sheep?
Viggo: Hulooo, I am Viiiiggo, I cum vrom Denmaaaark wiz ze Little Mermaid and ze bacon and ze laaaager beer and ze hot nasty porn.
Gloria: But, he was born in America!
LM: Uh-oh, looks like I used too powerful a bomb. Time to leave.
[They all leave except Demelza.]
Demelza: Hey, is that a stapler?
[Suddenly, enter PIPSQUEAK and MONKEYSLAG!]
Pipsqueak: Put away ye're lustful thoughts for that inanimate object, ye sassanach hussy! For I am Pipsqueak, och aye the noo!
Monkeyslag: Yeh, and I'm Munkeyslag, right. Mad for it. Sorted.
Both: And WE FIGHT CRIME!
Narrator: I think that's quite enough of that. Next time, stationary slash, in which Viggo and Orli stand still whilst staring lustfully at each other. For a very long time.
Gloria: But all Viggorlis are like that ... (except mine, obviously)