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Title: Buffy's Magical Soul-Eating Vagina vs. Sam's Uncanny Knack for Getting People Killed: A Love Story
Author: Chash
Fandom: Supernatural/Buffy
Pairing: Sam/Buffy
Rating: R
Summary: I think the title kind of says it all.
Notes: Post Supernatural season three and Buffy season seven. Spoilers for both. Sequel to It's All About Me.
Sam's asleep with Buffy the Vampire Slayer (they've slept together, so they should probably be on a first name basis, but he can't shake the habit), but he wakes up when he hears Dean yelling.
Maybe it was all a really fucked up dream. Maybe he's in a hotel, and there is not a naked fictional girl next to him.
"Sammy!" says Dean again.
"I tried to stop him, but he's loud," says Dawn from the door.
Sam blinks his way to awareness and registers Dawn Summers and Dean in the door, both staring at him and Buffy.
"Who's yelling?" Buffy asks.
"Dean," says Sam, not sure if it's an answer or a greeting.
Dean's looking torn too; he clearly wants to be proud of Sam, but he's also annoyed, and also, weirdly, worried. Sam struggles to sit.
"How did you get here?" Sam asks. "Why did you get here?"
"I came to get you! What the hell happened?"
"Can we do this with clothes?" Buffy suggests. "Me, I'm a clothes fan."
"Oh, um, yeah! Sorry. It's. Give us a sec, Dean?"
Dean does get a good "my little brother is big pimping" look in before he goes, which Sam appreciates, mostly. He was expecting more jealousy, but hopefully that comes in private. When he brags.
Sam never thought of himself as the bragging type, but there are exceptions to that. And he's totally winning right now.
Dean leaves and Dawn gives them a look too, shutting the door behind her.
"So, your brother?" Buffy asks.
"Yeah, I guess he found the demon."
"And it got him too. I can see you guys are really awesome hunters."
"He probably didn't want to kill it while it was still . . . doing whatever it's doing to me."
"Yeah, I bet that was it," Buffy snarks.
Sam pulls on his pants and tries not to get too pissed; he has to admit this looks kind of bad.
And the sex was pretty awesome, so if he wants that to happen again, he should try not to get too pissed at her.
"Dean worries," says Sam shortly. "We'll just get rid of the thing here and get back."
"Might wanna switch up your order there," Buffy suggests, pulling her hair back in a ponytail. "You decent?"
"Um, yeah," he says, running his hands through his hair.
"Y'know, I usually wait til way later for the meeting the family step."
"Yeah," says Sam. "My family breaks all the rules."
"So you're really Giles."
Giles is looking at Dean in a way that suggests Dean is the most terrifying thing he's ever seen.
"Man, you're kind of an idol for me. I mean, like, dorky idol, and I bet if Sammy ever watched the show he'd be totally into you, but, I mean. I think you're pretty cool too."
Giles crosses and uncrosses his legs several times. "Yes, well. It's nice to meet you too, ah...Dean, was it?"
"Yes sir, Dean Winchester. Thanks for taking care of my geek brother."
"I took care of myself," Sam corrects, plopping down on the couch next to Dean.
"Someone took care of you," says Dean with a leer.
Sam wishes the jealousy would come. It beats the hell out of Dean's weird investment in his sex life.
"Okay, so I'm awesome," says Dean.
Sam looks at him. "Are you kidding? I slept with your fictional role model and you're awesome?"
"Okay, that was pretty good," Dean acknowledges. "But how about we get the hell out of Dodge before we talk about your sex skills."
"Are you possessed? You spend, like, three hours a day wanting to talk about my sex skills. Half the time you care about it more than I do, and I'm the one having the sex!"
Dean considers this. "Yeah, that's pretty much true. So, I'm pretty sure we're up against a vengeance demon. See, first time they showed up was season three, in 'The Wish.' See, what happens is some guy mistreats a girl, so she makes a wish for bad shit to happen to that dude, and there's this whole alternate universe deal."
Sam blinks. "You really did research. You're not jealous or pissed or anything. You're..." he studies Dean. "You're worried."
"Don't be ridiculous. Inside? I'm totally burning up with jealousy. But one of us has gotta be the professional here, Sammy."
"Christo," says Sam.
Dean looks at him.
"Christo?"
"I'm not fucking possessed!"
"Jerk."
"Bitch." Dean pauses. "So how was she?"
"I don't even want to talk about it anymore."
"So, we need to see Anya," says Dean, smiling winningly at Buffy's sister. Which is wrong, because the kid's, like, sixteen, and Dean probably just wants to go on weird double dates with two brothers and two sisters, because he's that fucked up as a human being.
"Um," says Dawn, blushing a little. Sam elbows Dean and at Dean's mouthed what? Sam says sixteen! back, which Dean seems to get. "Anya's dead," says Dawn finally.
"Shit, are we post-series? You aren't in that weird comic book continuity are you, because I haven't read the last few."
Dawn goggles, which Sam thinks at least means she's not going to date Dean. Smart girl.
But there are more important things to talk about right now. "You own Buffy the Vampire Slayer comic books?"
"Shut up."
The last thing he's expecting is for Buffy to get killed.
Dean, by contrast, seems pretty unsurprised. "Damnit, Sammy."
"What? Why are you yelling at me? We have to do something! Where is...everybody else? Shit, Dean, we got the Slayer killed."
"There are way more Slayers now," Dean says. "It was this whole big thing at the end of the show."
"Aren't you even a little upset about this?"
"I wasn't the one who slept with her."
"Dean!"
"Look, we don't have time to worry about this! We have to get out of here before you get possessed or turn evil or get killed."
"Why would I do that?"
"Because you slept with her! And now she's dead, like all the other girls you sleep with, except that painting chick." Dean pauses. "She was hot, you should call her."
Sam's trying to follow this. "You think I got her killed?"
"And she's cursed too, so now something shitty's going to happen to you, like losing your soul or becoming a pussy." He considers. "You're already a pussy, so I guess we're clear on that one."
Sam rubs his forehead, trying to get this. And Buffy's body is right there. "Dean, we've gotta go find Mr. Giles and Willow and tell them their friend is dead. Can we not worry about me until after that?"
Dean shakes himself. "Yeah. Yeah, let's do that."
Sam runs his hands through his hair, picks up Buffy, swallows hard. It's weird, less real than other people he's seen dead. Because part of him still can't think of her as a person, as real--everything feels like a dream, like, well, a TV show.
But he and Buffy had sex, and that's a real connection right there. And if this is really his fault, he has to do something. Not that there's probably a crossroads demon in this world who'd be willing to take Sam's soul (and even if there was, Dean would kill him), but there must be other options.
After all, Buffy's died and come back twice. If she does it again, it's technically a hat trick.
*****
Dean didn't think anyone actually got hit by a piano.
Getting hit by a piano while carrying a fictional girl's corpse down the street with nothing but sky above goes above and beyond in the realm of absurd, and Dean wonders if the Trickster is around somewhere, or he jinxed them, or if Joss Whedon really just does suck that much.
He only has a split second to think all these things before he cries "Sam!" and runs over, and since when was sleeping with Buffy fatal? Usually the guys just screwed her over.
Sam wasn't that guy, though, so maybe they had to take drastic measures.
Normally, Dean would already have a crazy, self-sacrificial plan cooked up, but he's not in his own world. So instead he sits down, leaning against the piano that's currently crushing his brother, and thinks.
Occasionally, he punches the piano too, or strokes Sam's hair, mostly because he needs something to do with his hands.
Giles is going to freak, but Dean's not sure what else to do. He'd normally be carrying Sam, but Sam is gigantic and Dean can't really carry him that far, so he ended up dragging him under a tree and out of sight until he can get Giles and Xander to help him lug the body back.
Bringing Buffy in dead is probably more dramatic, but Dean cares way less about her coming back to life.
"Wh--" Giles starts, and then he sees her, and Dean has to admit that Giles cares about Buffy. Not as much as Dean cares about Sam, because Dean would never leave Sam for his own good like Giles did to Buffy in season six, but still. A lot. "Buffy! What happened to her? You--"
"Not me," says Dean, gingerly putting her down. "I swear, not me. Look, we need to summon a vengeance demon. But first, I need someone to help me get my brother."
Giles looks shocked, hurt, terrified. He keeps staring at Buffy's body, like Dean knows he was staring at Sam, has stared at Sam so much more than he'd like. Dean puts his hand on the other man's shoulder, thinking, for a moment, that Giles is just another father losing his child. Not a hero, not an actor, just a man.
It's weird.
"Yes," says Giles, more to himself than to Dean. "I'll...I'll tell Xander. The two of you can get him while I find a spell..."
"Thanks," says Dean, feeling guilty.
"Is he..."
"Yeah. But if we get this demon, we'll go home, they'll be fine, no harm, no foul."
"You're sure?" says Giles, seeming wary.
Dean flashes him a cocky smile. "Dude, I saw that episode like fifty times."
*****
When Sam wakes up, he's in the back seat of the Impala, with a lot of weird and hazy memories. He groans.
"Rise and shine, Sammy! Not crushed?"
"Ugh," says Sam, unable to form any better words. "What happened?"
"Off the top of my head? You boned the only girl in the universe more cursed than you and got crushed by a piano. Then I brought you back to life, we came home, and I had pizza. You were passed out."
"You got pizza without me?" asks Sam.
"That's what you're getting from this experience?" asks Dean, looking away from the road long enough to smirk at him.
"Well, that and," Sam smirks back. "The sex? Totally worth it."
"I fucking hate you," says Dean, mostly without malice.
That's all Sam really wanted.
Author: Chash
Fandom: Supernatural/Buffy
Pairing: Sam/Buffy
Rating: R
Summary: I think the title kind of says it all.
Notes: Post Supernatural season three and Buffy season seven. Spoilers for both. Sequel to It's All About Me.
Sam's asleep with Buffy the Vampire Slayer (they've slept together, so they should probably be on a first name basis, but he can't shake the habit), but he wakes up when he hears Dean yelling.
Maybe it was all a really fucked up dream. Maybe he's in a hotel, and there is not a naked fictional girl next to him.
"Sammy!" says Dean again.
"I tried to stop him, but he's loud," says Dawn from the door.
Sam blinks his way to awareness and registers Dawn Summers and Dean in the door, both staring at him and Buffy.
"Who's yelling?" Buffy asks.
"Dean," says Sam, not sure if it's an answer or a greeting.
Dean's looking torn too; he clearly wants to be proud of Sam, but he's also annoyed, and also, weirdly, worried. Sam struggles to sit.
"How did you get here?" Sam asks. "Why did you get here?"
"I came to get you! What the hell happened?"
"Can we do this with clothes?" Buffy suggests. "Me, I'm a clothes fan."
"Oh, um, yeah! Sorry. It's. Give us a sec, Dean?"
Dean does get a good "my little brother is big pimping" look in before he goes, which Sam appreciates, mostly. He was expecting more jealousy, but hopefully that comes in private. When he brags.
Sam never thought of himself as the bragging type, but there are exceptions to that. And he's totally winning right now.
Dean leaves and Dawn gives them a look too, shutting the door behind her.
"So, your brother?" Buffy asks.
"Yeah, I guess he found the demon."
"And it got him too. I can see you guys are really awesome hunters."
"He probably didn't want to kill it while it was still . . . doing whatever it's doing to me."
"Yeah, I bet that was it," Buffy snarks.
Sam pulls on his pants and tries not to get too pissed; he has to admit this looks kind of bad.
And the sex was pretty awesome, so if he wants that to happen again, he should try not to get too pissed at her.
"Dean worries," says Sam shortly. "We'll just get rid of the thing here and get back."
"Might wanna switch up your order there," Buffy suggests, pulling her hair back in a ponytail. "You decent?"
"Um, yeah," he says, running his hands through his hair.
"Y'know, I usually wait til way later for the meeting the family step."
"Yeah," says Sam. "My family breaks all the rules."
"So you're really Giles."
Giles is looking at Dean in a way that suggests Dean is the most terrifying thing he's ever seen.
"Man, you're kind of an idol for me. I mean, like, dorky idol, and I bet if Sammy ever watched the show he'd be totally into you, but, I mean. I think you're pretty cool too."
Giles crosses and uncrosses his legs several times. "Yes, well. It's nice to meet you too, ah...Dean, was it?"
"Yes sir, Dean Winchester. Thanks for taking care of my geek brother."
"I took care of myself," Sam corrects, plopping down on the couch next to Dean.
"Someone took care of you," says Dean with a leer.
Sam wishes the jealousy would come. It beats the hell out of Dean's weird investment in his sex life.
"Okay, so I'm awesome," says Dean.
Sam looks at him. "Are you kidding? I slept with your fictional role model and you're awesome?"
"Okay, that was pretty good," Dean acknowledges. "But how about we get the hell out of Dodge before we talk about your sex skills."
"Are you possessed? You spend, like, three hours a day wanting to talk about my sex skills. Half the time you care about it more than I do, and I'm the one having the sex!"
Dean considers this. "Yeah, that's pretty much true. So, I'm pretty sure we're up against a vengeance demon. See, first time they showed up was season three, in 'The Wish.' See, what happens is some guy mistreats a girl, so she makes a wish for bad shit to happen to that dude, and there's this whole alternate universe deal."
Sam blinks. "You really did research. You're not jealous or pissed or anything. You're..." he studies Dean. "You're worried."
"Don't be ridiculous. Inside? I'm totally burning up with jealousy. But one of us has gotta be the professional here, Sammy."
"Christo," says Sam.
Dean looks at him.
"Christo?"
"I'm not fucking possessed!"
"Jerk."
"Bitch." Dean pauses. "So how was she?"
"I don't even want to talk about it anymore."
"So, we need to see Anya," says Dean, smiling winningly at Buffy's sister. Which is wrong, because the kid's, like, sixteen, and Dean probably just wants to go on weird double dates with two brothers and two sisters, because he's that fucked up as a human being.
"Um," says Dawn, blushing a little. Sam elbows Dean and at Dean's mouthed what? Sam says sixteen! back, which Dean seems to get. "Anya's dead," says Dawn finally.
"Shit, are we post-series? You aren't in that weird comic book continuity are you, because I haven't read the last few."
Dawn goggles, which Sam thinks at least means she's not going to date Dean. Smart girl.
But there are more important things to talk about right now. "You own Buffy the Vampire Slayer comic books?"
"Shut up."
The last thing he's expecting is for Buffy to get killed.
Dean, by contrast, seems pretty unsurprised. "Damnit, Sammy."
"What? Why are you yelling at me? We have to do something! Where is...everybody else? Shit, Dean, we got the Slayer killed."
"There are way more Slayers now," Dean says. "It was this whole big thing at the end of the show."
"Aren't you even a little upset about this?"
"I wasn't the one who slept with her."
"Dean!"
"Look, we don't have time to worry about this! We have to get out of here before you get possessed or turn evil or get killed."
"Why would I do that?"
"Because you slept with her! And now she's dead, like all the other girls you sleep with, except that painting chick." Dean pauses. "She was hot, you should call her."
Sam's trying to follow this. "You think I got her killed?"
"And she's cursed too, so now something shitty's going to happen to you, like losing your soul or becoming a pussy." He considers. "You're already a pussy, so I guess we're clear on that one."
Sam rubs his forehead, trying to get this. And Buffy's body is right there. "Dean, we've gotta go find Mr. Giles and Willow and tell them their friend is dead. Can we not worry about me until after that?"
Dean shakes himself. "Yeah. Yeah, let's do that."
Sam runs his hands through his hair, picks up Buffy, swallows hard. It's weird, less real than other people he's seen dead. Because part of him still can't think of her as a person, as real--everything feels like a dream, like, well, a TV show.
But he and Buffy had sex, and that's a real connection right there. And if this is really his fault, he has to do something. Not that there's probably a crossroads demon in this world who'd be willing to take Sam's soul (and even if there was, Dean would kill him), but there must be other options.
After all, Buffy's died and come back twice. If she does it again, it's technically a hat trick.
*****
Dean didn't think anyone actually got hit by a piano.
Getting hit by a piano while carrying a fictional girl's corpse down the street with nothing but sky above goes above and beyond in the realm of absurd, and Dean wonders if the Trickster is around somewhere, or he jinxed them, or if Joss Whedon really just does suck that much.
He only has a split second to think all these things before he cries "Sam!" and runs over, and since when was sleeping with Buffy fatal? Usually the guys just screwed her over.
Sam wasn't that guy, though, so maybe they had to take drastic measures.
Normally, Dean would already have a crazy, self-sacrificial plan cooked up, but he's not in his own world. So instead he sits down, leaning against the piano that's currently crushing his brother, and thinks.
Occasionally, he punches the piano too, or strokes Sam's hair, mostly because he needs something to do with his hands.
Giles is going to freak, but Dean's not sure what else to do. He'd normally be carrying Sam, but Sam is gigantic and Dean can't really carry him that far, so he ended up dragging him under a tree and out of sight until he can get Giles and Xander to help him lug the body back.
Bringing Buffy in dead is probably more dramatic, but Dean cares way less about her coming back to life.
"Wh--" Giles starts, and then he sees her, and Dean has to admit that Giles cares about Buffy. Not as much as Dean cares about Sam, because Dean would never leave Sam for his own good like Giles did to Buffy in season six, but still. A lot. "Buffy! What happened to her? You--"
"Not me," says Dean, gingerly putting her down. "I swear, not me. Look, we need to summon a vengeance demon. But first, I need someone to help me get my brother."
Giles looks shocked, hurt, terrified. He keeps staring at Buffy's body, like Dean knows he was staring at Sam, has stared at Sam so much more than he'd like. Dean puts his hand on the other man's shoulder, thinking, for a moment, that Giles is just another father losing his child. Not a hero, not an actor, just a man.
It's weird.
"Yes," says Giles, more to himself than to Dean. "I'll...I'll tell Xander. The two of you can get him while I find a spell..."
"Thanks," says Dean, feeling guilty.
"Is he..."
"Yeah. But if we get this demon, we'll go home, they'll be fine, no harm, no foul."
"You're sure?" says Giles, seeming wary.
Dean flashes him a cocky smile. "Dude, I saw that episode like fifty times."
*****
When Sam wakes up, he's in the back seat of the Impala, with a lot of weird and hazy memories. He groans.
"Rise and shine, Sammy! Not crushed?"
"Ugh," says Sam, unable to form any better words. "What happened?"
"Off the top of my head? You boned the only girl in the universe more cursed than you and got crushed by a piano. Then I brought you back to life, we came home, and I had pizza. You were passed out."
"You got pizza without me?" asks Sam.
"That's what you're getting from this experience?" asks Dean, looking away from the road long enough to smirk at him.
"Well, that and," Sam smirks back. "The sex? Totally worth it."
"I fucking hate you," says Dean, mostly without malice.
That's all Sam really wanted.