why do we do the things we do....
Why when your feeling low or depressed (I use that word lightly), do u seem to do things that make you feel worse, its crazy, but u just do, well i do anyways, its so self destructive.
To be honest with you I’m still unhappy, it’s been nearly 2 weeks now, but I still can't believe I haven’t come to totally grasp the obvious fact that there is nothing to be unhappy about yet.
The small logical, not completely messed up part of my brain, that is still remaining, is totally cool with what has happened, and is surprised it didn’t happen sooner to be honest, the guys in Brighton mustn’t be too bright, not to realise what a lovely and beautiful young woman you are. I know this may sound like a false sentiment, said just to try and sound gd, but I really honestly am happy for you, and I hope everything goes well.
But also to be honest, the rest of my brain, now controlled by my heart, hates it. I’m still so in love, and I can't control it. Normally my brain can filter out the stupid totally unconstructive thoughts my feelings bring up on occasion. But recently I’ve been slowly getting warn out. So now I’ve got to admit my heart is well in control, and is causing me to over-think, which is not really aiding in helping me to sleep, nor have the recent bout of early morning, so I have yet to manage to catch up my sleep and regain control
The problem is its making me act like a jerk, being tiered in general doesn't help, but also i'm being so jealous and crappy and i get really touchy about thing far to easily; found my self almost losing it with a few people this week. I’m also getting so bored of being such a miserable bastard, its really not me, I’m generally a happy guy.
I know things will sort them selves out, they always do. But at the mo I’m just having real trouble to not think about you. Which in tern is making me try to hard, which then makes me look needy and possessive. Both of which are never good, and I really don’t feel/think like that normally, its just the way my mind is at the moment.
I just hope i get over it soon, by that I mean, not being in control. - I love being in love with you, so long as I can control it and keep it just as a nice feeling inside. Its when it takes control like this, that I really wish I didn’t feel like I do. But I guess its just something I have to deal with.
I just don’t want to spoil our friendship with my pointless jealousy and paranoia. I just want to get on and enjoy having you as one of my dearest friends. I’ve loved the last year, I’ve never had so much fun with one person before, and you’ve really helped make what would other wise have been a miserable year, a happy one. As you know I’m not great with people, so any friends that stick with me, mean a lot.
Ok… I’m feeling better now, I really needed to clear my head, your know how when you think so much about something your brain feels like its full, and then it just kinda stops working, well I find writing things down a great relief its clears the space again, lets your get perspective on things that would have other wise been impossible.
I guess maybe I should keep my own private journal, cause often you want to write something down, purely to get it out of your head, not because you want to cause a reaction or to upset or offend anyone. I guess this post is like that, I don’t really mean you to take this literally or to worry or anything.
I just needed a way to clear my mind, and this is my only outlet, which sadly happens to be something u can read. Not that I’m worried about you reading any of this, though I hope your not getting too tiered of my melodramatic outbursts, thought I had got those under wraps a few months ago.
I think the best idea for me now that I’m back home, is to start eating some real food again, not the rubbish I’ve been eating recently at uni, which I’m sure hasn’t helped my mood, and to get some quality sleep, because I really am tiered, the last 2 weeks at uni have been hectic, lots of late nights and early mornings, and it has caught up with me.
So I think tomorrow I’m just going to veg, get up late, maybe go to town to get a few bits and bobs and maybe watch a few movies and get some chums over, a fun but chilled day.
Anyways I think I’m gonna snooze now, its late and like I said, I’m knackered.
Byeee :)
p.s. really looking forward to seeing you on Thursday, hopefully I’ll be back to normal; then maybe I can teach u a few more old man sayings or some more strange vocabulary, heh, u know u love it really ;)
To be honest with you I’m still unhappy, it’s been nearly 2 weeks now, but I still can't believe I haven’t come to totally grasp the obvious fact that there is nothing to be unhappy about yet.
The small logical, not completely messed up part of my brain, that is still remaining, is totally cool with what has happened, and is surprised it didn’t happen sooner to be honest, the guys in Brighton mustn’t be too bright, not to realise what a lovely and beautiful young woman you are. I know this may sound like a false sentiment, said just to try and sound gd, but I really honestly am happy for you, and I hope everything goes well.
But also to be honest, the rest of my brain, now controlled by my heart, hates it. I’m still so in love, and I can't control it. Normally my brain can filter out the stupid totally unconstructive thoughts my feelings bring up on occasion. But recently I’ve been slowly getting warn out. So now I’ve got to admit my heart is well in control, and is causing me to over-think, which is not really aiding in helping me to sleep, nor have the recent bout of early morning, so I have yet to manage to catch up my sleep and regain control
The problem is its making me act like a jerk, being tiered in general doesn't help, but also i'm being so jealous and crappy and i get really touchy about thing far to easily; found my self almost losing it with a few people this week. I’m also getting so bored of being such a miserable bastard, its really not me, I’m generally a happy guy.
I know things will sort them selves out, they always do. But at the mo I’m just having real trouble to not think about you. Which in tern is making me try to hard, which then makes me look needy and possessive. Both of which are never good, and I really don’t feel/think like that normally, its just the way my mind is at the moment.
I just hope i get over it soon, by that I mean, not being in control. - I love being in love with you, so long as I can control it and keep it just as a nice feeling inside. Its when it takes control like this, that I really wish I didn’t feel like I do. But I guess its just something I have to deal with.
I just don’t want to spoil our friendship with my pointless jealousy and paranoia. I just want to get on and enjoy having you as one of my dearest friends. I’ve loved the last year, I’ve never had so much fun with one person before, and you’ve really helped make what would other wise have been a miserable year, a happy one. As you know I’m not great with people, so any friends that stick with me, mean a lot.
Ok… I’m feeling better now, I really needed to clear my head, your know how when you think so much about something your brain feels like its full, and then it just kinda stops working, well I find writing things down a great relief its clears the space again, lets your get perspective on things that would have other wise been impossible.
I guess maybe I should keep my own private journal, cause often you want to write something down, purely to get it out of your head, not because you want to cause a reaction or to upset or offend anyone. I guess this post is like that, I don’t really mean you to take this literally or to worry or anything.
I just needed a way to clear my mind, and this is my only outlet, which sadly happens to be something u can read. Not that I’m worried about you reading any of this, though I hope your not getting too tiered of my melodramatic outbursts, thought I had got those under wraps a few months ago.
I think the best idea for me now that I’m back home, is to start eating some real food again, not the rubbish I’ve been eating recently at uni, which I’m sure hasn’t helped my mood, and to get some quality sleep, because I really am tiered, the last 2 weeks at uni have been hectic, lots of late nights and early mornings, and it has caught up with me.
So I think tomorrow I’m just going to veg, get up late, maybe go to town to get a few bits and bobs and maybe watch a few movies and get some chums over, a fun but chilled day.
Anyways I think I’m gonna snooze now, its late and like I said, I’m knackered.
Byeee :)
p.s. really looking forward to seeing you on Thursday, hopefully I’ll be back to normal; then maybe I can teach u a few more old man sayings or some more strange vocabulary, heh, u know u love it really ;)