friendship,family,religion
Regarding friendship, this year hasn’t been exceptionally fulfilling- I’ve made new friends, retained old ones, lost or almost lost others, seen ‘normal’ friends blossomed. But, I guess what’s different, would be that I’ve matured enough to be able to appreciate my friends better, know who’s important to me and prioritize accordingly, to make the best of every opportunity and be more expressive about my endearing love for them. Heh.
Somehow, in my seventeen years of existence, I’ve been really lucky to have a steady but changing group of friends surrounding me, showering me with love and care, laughing and crying with me, and going through the toughest and funnest time together. Thank you so much for that. But perhaps, because I’ve been blessed, I might have taken things for granted, been too contented, and perhaps made foolish mistakes.
For the past three years, but not this year fortunately, I’ve always had a problem with keeping friends. Just like what kaleni said, my present group of friends would not have known my best friends two years ago, and my best friends two years ago wouldn’t know my childhood or primary school friends. it’s sad really, to realize at the end of the day, that you’ve perhaps never made much of an effort to continue to stay in touch with the old friends, letting them float away further and further with time.
But I know for sure, that for every new friend I meet, I always give both more- attention and less- of my true self. So whenever my best friend tells me I’ve shu-yuan because of so-and-so, I’ve never really understood, because the place in my heart- who I’m closest to, who I enjoy being with, who I cherish most would never and have never changed. It’s really just like any little child, with its eyes searching for new-found wonder, that whenever something new appears in front of you, you ignore the old and familiar, and move, albeit slowly, towards the new object with out-stretched hands and curious eyes. Your eyes gleam and sparkle when the new object smiles at you, and suddenly all your attention is devoted to it, and only it. But, you know for sure, that the object of fancy would pass in time, that no matter what, you would never leave the other person behind.
Then, the inevitable question, why seek the pot of gold at the other side of the rainbow, when you’ve already eaten your fill of happiness? Why bother? The answer is simple. Like any other curious little toddler and perhaps every other teenager, you go into a new environment with an open mind, an open heart. You are not reserved, nor adequately suspicious to reject any person who approaches you and asks to be your friend, purely because for every thing that happens, it happens for a reason. I’ve always believed, that fate plays a part in everything, so the very fact that that stranger or acquaintance approaches you and says hi, would be enough reason for you to say hi back, and treat it in the best light- as a possible friendship that might or could possibly turn out to be really important to you. That’s how I make friends, at least. It’s not a matter of the grass on the other side is always greener, rather it’s the normal innate want to make friends, to bridge exciting friendships, and to expand your social circle, and hope, that you will be twice lucky, to find gold within the circle.
But, at the midst of everything, I’ve always believed that both acts function separately, that one can do without the other. You can be seeking new friends, but just like every adventurer seeking out with one hand to grab more gold, you would tug what you’ve already had even closer to your heart, afraid that it would slip away. Of course, there’s the risk of it falling through your hands, and you ending up with neither, feeling stupid and incredibly lousy. But I’m sure after a few valuable lessons of moaning and smacking your head in absolute agony, one would learn that losing what you already had hurts a million times more, not only because it’s more precious, but also because greed, after all, comes from wanting something you’ve never had, while grief, comes from losing something you’ve already had.
So, to solve this problem this year, I’ve been much more expressive, I’ve told people through long long love letters, testimonials, blog entries and verbal chats or even over the phone at midnight that I love them, and I appreciate everything that they have done for me- tolerating my irritating habits, my moodswings, my annoying nature, my loud explosive laughter and giggles, my temperamental nature and all my crap-bullshit. I’ve spent quite a lot of time talking on the phone with yumin, aiwen, hanyun, telling them my new analogy. I’ve realized that I rarely talk about my best friends, few know about my group of childhood guy friends I’ve always been with, few know and express ultimate shock whenever I say hanyun’s my heibaipei, and only some people know about YAY and YAH and SUPER SEVEN. And people wonder why they can be so close to me, and yet I’ve never talked much about them excitedly or enthusiastically.
I’ve sorta realized, that whenever people ask me about my life, about what’s happening to me recently, I’ve never felt like or thought about telling them about my best friends. it’s really because, when faced with such questions, my instinctive response is to tell them about something external, something exciting, something new, something worthy of interest. And I guess, my best friends have been with me for say eight years, five years, three years, so they aren’t something new, they have been in my life for ages, and somehow, they are a part of my life, not apart from who I am. Things that are related to them, are personal stuff, and matters of the heart, I rarely tell anyone. So it’s just like a old coat that’ve been in my closet, or a old pair of BUNNY slippers that I’ve always subconsciously slipped into. They matter, so much so that, because you attach so much memories, emotion, events to it, that when you lose them, it becomes a major catastrophe, a calamity of sorts. That you try every way to do without it, but you cant, because it’s a part of you, a part of your history, a part of why and who you’ve become, that to tear it away and forget it just like that, would be asking you to continue walking with your eyes blindfolded- you can walk, but you wont be sure where you are heading to. Even in normal, ordinary conversations, silence can only be achieved with your best friends, and like what I’ve said before, I cherish and appreciate them because these moments are so rare, so ordinary, yet so special.
I guess aiwen and I have always managed to keep quiet on the bus together, just sitting down there, looking at the scenery, watching things pass, reflecting, and saying whatever ridiculous, stupid, random things that come to your mind. It’s that comfort level that you achieve, that makes you know without the other party telling you, that whatever you do or say, whatever faults you have, it’s perfectly okay to show it, because you know deep down that he or she would cherish you even more because failings and shortcoming are human, and you can always overlook them for the other positive traits. I love you girl, you’ve been more than just a soulmate, I cant even count the number of times we’ve had damn good telepathy, we’ve been able to not spend as much time as before together, but still be there at the most crucial moments, being able to know and feel when the each of us are down, when we have a crush, when we are angry with each other. Somehow, though we don’t see each other 24/7, every outing or conversation with you and yumin, has been very peaceful, nice, sweet and I don’t know, we can rattle off endlessly without feeling strange or anything. So yea, you know I love you, we must continue the conversation last night ok?
Yumin and I have been friends for five years, started off with us being co-treasurers and us hating each other for various reasons. Then being forced to be in the same class and to sit beside each other, reluctantly. We’ve gone through a lot, and though you suck at gut feeling, like wongyumin has zero gut feeling. It’s ALWAYS AND ALWAYS WRONG. i know you will always be there for me, no matter what, and vice versa, same as aiwen, we don’t see each other much, and I cant be there for you whenever you need company, you need retail therapy or anything else, but I hope you know that for everything else that matters, I will be there. I know that things like going for your concerts, going to send you off, being there physically for many of your special occasions are of extreme importance to you, so I promise I will try to make it for most of them alright? Like what I’ve said in my long long card, aiwen and I have always been worried about you, because you are way too precious to be broken apart by random idiotic guys. Honestly, I’ve always felt and still feel guilty about j, because I myself have always been advocating how important it is for friends to be the eyes when it comes to love, cos the other party would normally be blind, so I’m really really sorry to have been equally blind, or oblivious to all the crap he’s done to you. At least now, I can be sure, that you would be lucky. I guess, for wongyumin, it has and has always been, about support, being there and giving good advice, as well as telling her all the time, that everyone loves her and there’s always sunshine after the rain. Love you too girl.
The friendship between hanyun and I have always been somewhat miraculous, I mean look at the both of us, opposite sides of the spectrum, she’s quiet while I’m loud, she’s calm but I’m not, she’s neat and my handwriting is like barbed wire, she’s extremely sweet while I’m quite annoying. So yea, totally different, but I guess fate and timing brought us together. Heibaipei really. It started off with the united world college thing, and suddenly, we were together for youth forum. Really unbelievable hur. From something so insignificant till youth forum, all the crap we’ve gone through together, to the long bus rides home thinking about humanities or not, then worrying about the programme, then getting in together, being in the same class, being in the same clique again, philippines and now hssrp. I guess luck’s been on our side really. It seems like I knew you since ages ago, cos the things we’ve gone through together cant really be explained in one sentence. Maybe our youth forum theme song ‘I believe’ could explain. It’s been a helluva journey girl, together, I know we can do miracles. Thank you so much for always listening to me whine, like seriously, you are damn patient, for giggling to yourself whenever Eunice tok makes some lame char shao bao jokes, and all your damn sweetness though we might not have been right in the first place. if anything goes wrong in future, always remember that if we could be best friends, anything impossible would definitely be possible. I love you too dear.
And yes, I have NOT forgotten about you lil boys. LOVE LOVE LOVE, thank you so much for the fantastic eight years. You guys were the first people I’ve known to be so refreshingly honest, so incredibly funny, and so playful, cheeky and understanding. Being with you guys, though rarely, cos we have such busy schedules, have always been a piece of sweet heaven I’ve always enjoyed. You guys are a mix of personalities, so different, that it’s quite enjoyable to just watch you guys squabble. Maybe i’m a really lucky girl, to have eight kor-kors to take care of me, to cure my unhappiness, to whine to, to bitch about, and to lick all my open wounds clean. Things that I’ve done with you guys, playing on the swing, doing random shit pranks, dares, telling lame jokes, and piggybacking, walking on the beach, etc etc will alwayssss be there in my mind. Till death do us part? Ahahha! You know that I love you muchly, I WANT MY PRESENTS. ;)
Allison phua, my twin, my b two, my best friend, my bestest gem in the year 2006, is love love love. Hahaha! Thankew darling for everything. I’ve learn to really appreciate your honestly, your expressions, your niaoings, and all your famous statements like ‘I will always be pretty whatever I wear, or whatever haircut I have’ plus all your intelligent comments, plus your smartness, plus your generosity. i mean, till now, I cant really get over the fact, that we came together as strangers, and suddenly we click like a lot at macs, rattle non-stop, and THEN we realize that we’ve got the same birthday, born ten minutes apart, and that our hands are almost identical and we can read each other’s minds like crazy. So what the hell, we are frigging cool, and we’ve been like quite unlucky recently, like after ayls, we drifted a little, talked, and then became close again. Then after that it was promos, then Philippines, then o one, then everything else. BUT it’s ok, it’s a test of our friendship.hahaha! you are reallyyy one of a kind and b one cant do without b two. So yea, best friends forever, hahah! You know I love you too.
Mmmm, I guess one of the biggest failures this year, would be losing a best friend-siting. I don’t think it’s us, that we didn’t put in enough effort or we weren’t determined, but rather because of external factors- fate, environment, time, commitments,schedule. Being in a different class, different faculty, different everything have sort of screwed us all over. Like totally, I used to be able to recognize chuasiting’s voice from damn far away, was able to talk to her about the most obscure issues, used to be able to distinguish her just from the way she walks, the way she holds herself, and the way she’s just different, to me, as compared to everyone else. I miss you! Really miss those times in school, tablepartners, talking during lessons all the time, and mugging for tests, playing, shopping, bitching. It’s been a long time, and we’ve really drifted a hell lot. Now I only get little scraps of information from junyu, or sometimes yezi. And it seems like we have little luck, whenever she calls me, or I call her, she’s either away or she doesn’t pick up her phone. Somehow, it feels different, whether or not I want to admit it, that I’m now no longer her confidante, no longer able to know where she is, how she is and how her life has been. I feel like a stranger, and that’s what makes it all so pathetic. Just a year, and it’s become like that. But, fret not, this is not goodbye. Quite simply, if you believe it’s possible, it will work out somehow. <3
family:
About family, I don’t know how to start explaining how it feels. But for once, this year, I think I’ve become a better daughter and sister. In the past, I used to take everything for granted, to throw tantrums unnecessarily and pout whenever I don’t get my way. Now, I’m beginning to understand how it feels to be a parent, how much responsibility one has to shoulder so much love, expectation, dreams, ambitions for your child. It’s incredible really. I’m beginning to realllyy listen to what my parents have to say, I’m beginning to understand all the limitations they’ve imposed onto me, and somehow I’m beginning to find excuses for them when my friends ask. I’m starting to become defensive, protective even. I’ve realized the power and strength of words, to not only hurt, but to heal, to transform all the emotions you’ve ever felt, enough to breath fire or blow out the windshield, or to turn light into darkness, into words that spread like balm, invisible comfort to cover the open wounds.
I’ve finally understood the power of a mother’s love, of sacrifices and endless patience, that no matter how long they have to wait for us to understand where they are coming from, no matter how many bouts of crying they have to suffer through, no matter how many times they felt like they were losing hope, a smile or a revelation from us would be what it takes to make it all worth it. So, maybe because of all these reflections, I blame less and understand more. That for everything our parents seek to do, they would always have our best interests at heart, sometimes even at the expanse of themselves. Maybe fifteen years down the road, I could be facing the same problems with my child, the same frustrations, disappointments and joy as my parents, and maybe my children would be asking themselves the same puzzling questions of why this and not that, what could have been, and the inevitable question of freedom of choice over life’s direction or course. I wonder, whether, I would be doing onto my children the exact same thing that I swore and cursed my parents for, whether I would be staying up late calling every number possible to find out the whereabouts of my child, or would I be sitting beside my child cursing the internet and the msn chat for it’s endless temptations and disturbances. And, finally, I wonder how long it would be for me to fully appreciate what it takes to be a parent.
I know, they are not, as we’d expect, orchestrating our lives; they are not even trying for a second chance to live the life they wanted to. They are possibly hoping, that if this positive thing takes root, it might make up enough light and space and dreams inside us, to keep something else from developing in us: the disappointment they once lived. So yea, I don’t know how, I don’t know when, I don’t even know why, but I am going to make it work, somehow someday. It’s not the guilt or the anger that keeps me trying; it’s not the adrenaline rush; it’s not even the potential happy ending, it’s because, when you get down to the core, I’m the one who’s lost. Because, ultimately, when a family breaks down, you lose a part of yourself.
Sometimes when you pick your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood- finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without. It is the feeling you get when you place the last scrap of the thousand piece jigsaw puzzle; it is the last football in a photo finish; exhilaration and homecoming and stunned wonder, caught between those stubby fingers and the spaces where baby teeth have given way. My child barrels into my arms with the force of a hurricane, and just as easily sweeps me off my feet. Oh, I think, this is why.
religion:
I guess religion has been, and will continue to be in my life for as long as I live, purely because I’ve found what I’ve always sought out to find- peace, understanding and faith. When I was young, I was born a Buddhist, and I was only one because my parents believed in it. But I’ve never really made a point to understand what it signifies and what principles and values it advocates. But, maybe the turning point was last year, where the world was dark, and I had no one to turn to, except the heavens. Maybe it was then that I realized that faith was something given to you, that everybody was meant to be on a different path, to take up separate religions, to believe in whatever they were destined to believe in. I’ve always realized that it was a part of me, but perhaps it wasn’t meant for me to open, that pandora’s box, till last year. Given the time and consequences, I managed to survive a very trying period, and hence since gained much insight into who, and how I ought to change myself, what i should hope for, and what i shouldnt. It’s both terrifying, initially and gratifying, to have an outlet to vent, to express and to feel.
Somehow, I’ve never felt obliged to pray, or to do traditional rituals or go to the temples, unless I really want to. Of course, there are those surreal moments, when things happen right in front of you, and you wonder for a moment if that’s the result of heavenly interventions, and you think and ponder for a long while, till you realize that there’s no answer to that, and the only thing you can do is to say -thankyou. So yea, I’m happy that I’ve found my own peace, understood and believed in my religion because I purely wanted to, and maybe needed to. I’ve always felt that religion is something personal, and unconditional, that no matter what happens, good or bad, if it’s meant to be, it would happen despite countless prayers, that what you've learnt, what you've gained ought to be kept to yourself, because it's holy, sacred and very much for you and you only. And somehow, I’ve learnt to forget and let live, and just take obstacles as lessons along the way, and hope fervently that the same mistake wouldn’t happen again. I cant say that everything I’ve prayed or asked for, has been fulfilled, that my wishes have been granted by a fairy-godmother, because it’s not what religion’s meant to be. It’s not meant for you to chart your future the way you want it to be, to ask for avoidance of obstacles just because you are scared or afraid to, or to get rid of the unknown and let there be sunshine, and no rain. Conversely, what it does, is to prepare you for these life-defining moments, to be able to be brave, courageous, to have faith, to be hopeful and to lead a life full of colours- of not only joy, but sorrow, disappointment, envy, sloth as well as excitement.
Maybe one of the most important lessons I’ve learnt, is that in this world, truth and untruth, righteousness and unrighteousness, joy and sorrow pass and change with time, that perhaps the gains of sorrow is more than that of happiness, that the joy of overcoming such hardships would be more everlasting, that we should never look for happiness alone. Perhaps, maybe, surely, happiness alone wouldn’t be as beautiful as magical as rare and fleeting because you can’t have one without the other, that there cant be a good guy unless there was bad to create the standard, and there can’t be true joy until sorrow comes along to show just how far off the path life could stray.
may your 2-0-0-7 be filled with loads of fun and xuyinghui joy. ;)
meanwhile, joie de vivre.