Mole Poop!

[city_of_dis]

I am immature. I am still shamelessly amused with fecal humor. I went through a phase in high school wherein I would follow dogs until they emptied their bowels in the hopes of snapping a picture of the act. I sent copies of these pictures to certain politicians with a note saying, "Just wanted to let you know how I feel about the job you're doing". I worked up quite a collection. So you will have to excuse me for being so fond of this slushified little journey into ordural variety...

Trust me on this one, little minions of bliss: When you next are in the possession of an Amazon gift certificate, treat yourself. Order a brand-spanking-new copy of The Story of the Little Mole Who Went In Search of Whodunit.

This paragon of hilarity leapt into my hands as I browsed the children’s' section at my local branch of the Corporate & Evil bookstore. Fun games can ensue whilst strolling these aisles: Often customers and clerks alike have been foolish enough to approach me and say something to the order of; "Aren't you a bit young to have children who are reading?"

Hehehehehehe.

For a time, my response was to give them a lecture about children’s' literature and its appeal/impact on all ages, and that it prevents me from growing up into someone as oblivious as themselves. After a few such occurrences, my frustration mutated into an all-encompassing malevolence and recently, I have replaced the lecture with; "Oh, kids are smarter these days so I had to stop using candy and lure them into the car with BOOKS!"

On to the book itself.

The Story of the Little Mole Who Went In Search of Whodunit is an exquisitely offal tale of a mole who awakes, rather sublimely one morning and, as moles are wont to do on occasion, pokes his head out of his mole hole to see just what kind of fun lay on the horizon. (I know this. I talk to moles. A weird lot.)

If only he knew. Today, if any day, would have been a good time to work on his series of essays "How to be a Hermit". Just as the little mole's head was innocently poking out of his home, "something very strange happened" and a gleaming brown anal pinching came plummeting from above and landed, spiraled and hat-like atop his fuzzy, bespectacled head.

Just in case the artist’s illustration wasn't enough for us or perhaps in the event that a parent is reading this tome to a blind child, the author is generous enough to describe it to us:

"It was long and brown and looked a little bit like a hot dog."

Oh, you laugh now, but trust me: This only gets better.

Our intestinal discharge-wearing friend is nearsighted and therefore, unable to see who exactly was responsible for this most unexpected offense. Hands on his hips and shit still firmly in place on his crown, our protagonist sets off to find the offender.

Angrily questing, he encounters animal after animal and the excretory inquisition begins! (Cue adventurous music) Each animal indignantly proves their innocence by demonstrating their own unique method of defecation and comparing the resulting evacuant to that perched on our buddy's noggin. Mushrooms, I'm telling you...there is no better entertainment than this.

As if it isn't enough that each animal gets his/her very own two-page spread complete with an illustration of their voiding, but the detail in the drawings of the varied poop is astounding and disturbing. To drive the point home, we are also given an onomatopoetically delightful description of the SOUND made by each digestive end product.

And what are these sounds? I'm more than happy to log them here for your convenience:

Pigeon - "Splattery-splosh"

Horse - "Bump! Thud-thud-thud! Thump!"

Rabbit - "Ra-ta-tat-tam" (?????)

Goat - "Clackety-clackety-clack"

Cow - "Swush-dup-dup"

Pig - "Splidgedy-splodge"

Mole - "Pling!"

You're welcome, my tender vittles of joy.

At this point, one can assume that this book can't get any funnier. Ha! Think again, little squeegees! It gets BETTER. Hold onto your bowels here's the best part:

Your favorite poop-wearing rodent and mine (Note that said, aforementioned poop is still on his head.), becoming frustrated and despondent by his inability to find the culprit, finally thinks to ask the experts. You got it, embryos and fossils, the little mole seeks out a pair of flies WHO PROCEED TO DUTIFULLY TASTE the skull scat and, having the vast experience and sampling that flies tend to have in this area, quickly ascertain that a dog is responsible.

A dog! Aha!

Finally! All of those letters to congressmen and I finally get some satisfaction! Mwhahahahahahaha!

The little mole then climbs to the top of Henry the pooch's doghouse and exacts his revenge with a tiny little package dropped on the head of his oppressor. Take that, you inconsiderate canine!

Just for fun, I took the liberty of checking to see how this book is listed in the Library of Congress: "Children's Defecation Fiction", I shit you not! Kinda makes you wonder...if there is such a category, it must mean there are OTHER books under this heading...