heart problems....
fuck. its been a while.
a whole lot of lot has happened since the last time i wrote.
lies. scandals. cheats. getting fucked over. name it, it happened.
tyler, tony, mike, savannah, sarah, jordan, nathania, mary, my car, and others. some conditions resolved. most not. most of it happened today. TODAY was so sad. today was an end. like i explained to nathania earlier. i feel as if my heart has been popped. like- before i had some sort of shield around it...but now it feels like the shield has been broke down, and my delicate heart has been popped its so sad. i experienced so many emotions today. happiness. sadness. being angry. being pissed. pity. anger. joy. being afraid. being content. being so good i couldnt stop smiling. being so upset i couldnt stop tears from my eyes. being hurt from hopeful. being let down from being high. being a dog, from being a cloud. most of all....being betrayed.
i need to stay up because i have saturday school tomorrow morning. i cant miss it this time. last time i missed it from having a hang-over and got two day of out of school. i have to make it this time....have to.
after sarah and i got into the fight. [amber, nathania and i went to ryan's house. we took a couple steps in. i looked him in the eye, let him say his drunken greetings. and then said "you know, you need to stop talking shit." and we all left and in the car, i started telling sarah she needs to stop talking shit and fucking around, and she was all shocked, and then started yelling at me like she was the one mad at me! which is so not the way it went. i said my part and got out of the car at my house. 10 minutes later, when sarah had gotten home, she called me bauling! she kept apologizing and shit. then she asked if she could come over. and my mother said yes [this was like 1:30am] mother and i got into a huge fight about my brother, and i was screaming. sarah comes in and gives me a pack of cigarettes, i felt bribed, but i still took it, although tony had bought me a pack while i was working earlier. i like tony, but then i dont. you know? i like him. but i guess the whole stereotype thing is weird. because it feels so akward. i think of jonathan and him being the most "popular juniors" and its just weird. because middle school i talked to everyone. beginning of freshman year, i had a lot of people i talked to at school, but had a few friends that i would go out with. but now i have a lot of people i'd go out with. parties out of my ass, that i always ignore. so weird. i wouldve never thought of myself turning out the way that i did. the cool thing is, i dont dress any different than what i want to wear. so people DO/CAN see past clothing differences.
jodan and i got into a brawl also. its over. mutual. but its great. its weird though. so many mixed emotions. this ones a loooong story, so i wont even get into it now.
i got my car back....good but very bad story.
i feel like a different person everyday. i dont know who i am. i cant tell you what ive done. i couldnt tell you my dreams even if my life depended on it. ive become really weak. ive become different. ive changed, but not.
i feel sad. my life was at a high point. then-my life came crashing down.
tony makes me feel special, because he's one of those "popular people". but the thing is he's open-minded. cept for the geekiest of geek. and i always tell him he's mean. but he makes me feel wanted. in class. to parties. he actually invites me everywhere. he keeps his word.
tyler makes me feel so many things at once. he has this breath-taking smile. like, its not one of those smiles where someone will look at you smile and look away. he looks at me and gives me THE sexiest smile in the world. and keeps looking/smiling at me till im out of sight. and on new years eve....what a great way to start a new year. ;] youre supposed to be with the one you love and kiss at midnight. is it all fate or coincidence? odd, yeah....i guess we'll either have to wait and find out. or never know at all.
jordan. see-he's the most confusing of all. he makes me feel so real. solid. but he also makes me feel like shit. but he can make me smile from being so goofy. but he can also piss me off by doing stupid things. but i like him....all in all. its weird. there's something about him. but then again there's something about everyone. i dont know if im trying to convince myself that i dont like him. or if im reassuring myself. maybe i got scared off by his commitments. i just dont understand. he's so negative sometimes.
.....to be cont...
a whole lot of lot has happened since the last time i wrote.
lies. scandals. cheats. getting fucked over. name it, it happened.
tyler, tony, mike, savannah, sarah, jordan, nathania, mary, my car, and others. some conditions resolved. most not. most of it happened today. TODAY was so sad. today was an end. like i explained to nathania earlier. i feel as if my heart has been popped. like- before i had some sort of shield around it...but now it feels like the shield has been broke down, and my delicate heart has been popped its so sad. i experienced so many emotions today. happiness. sadness. being angry. being pissed. pity. anger. joy. being afraid. being content. being so good i couldnt stop smiling. being so upset i couldnt stop tears from my eyes. being hurt from hopeful. being let down from being high. being a dog, from being a cloud. most of all....being betrayed.
i need to stay up because i have saturday school tomorrow morning. i cant miss it this time. last time i missed it from having a hang-over and got two day of out of school. i have to make it this time....have to.
after sarah and i got into the fight. [amber, nathania and i went to ryan's house. we took a couple steps in. i looked him in the eye, let him say his drunken greetings. and then said "you know, you need to stop talking shit." and we all left and in the car, i started telling sarah she needs to stop talking shit and fucking around, and she was all shocked, and then started yelling at me like she was the one mad at me! which is so not the way it went. i said my part and got out of the car at my house. 10 minutes later, when sarah had gotten home, she called me bauling! she kept apologizing and shit. then she asked if she could come over. and my mother said yes [this was like 1:30am] mother and i got into a huge fight about my brother, and i was screaming. sarah comes in and gives me a pack of cigarettes, i felt bribed, but i still took it, although tony had bought me a pack while i was working earlier. i like tony, but then i dont. you know? i like him. but i guess the whole stereotype thing is weird. because it feels so akward. i think of jonathan and him being the most "popular juniors" and its just weird. because middle school i talked to everyone. beginning of freshman year, i had a lot of people i talked to at school, but had a few friends that i would go out with. but now i have a lot of people i'd go out with. parties out of my ass, that i always ignore. so weird. i wouldve never thought of myself turning out the way that i did. the cool thing is, i dont dress any different than what i want to wear. so people DO/CAN see past clothing differences.
jodan and i got into a brawl also. its over. mutual. but its great. its weird though. so many mixed emotions. this ones a loooong story, so i wont even get into it now.
i got my car back....good but very bad story.
i feel like a different person everyday. i dont know who i am. i cant tell you what ive done. i couldnt tell you my dreams even if my life depended on it. ive become really weak. ive become different. ive changed, but not.
i feel sad. my life was at a high point. then-my life came crashing down.
tony makes me feel special, because he's one of those "popular people". but the thing is he's open-minded. cept for the geekiest of geek. and i always tell him he's mean. but he makes me feel wanted. in class. to parties. he actually invites me everywhere. he keeps his word.
tyler makes me feel so many things at once. he has this breath-taking smile. like, its not one of those smiles where someone will look at you smile and look away. he looks at me and gives me THE sexiest smile in the world. and keeps looking/smiling at me till im out of sight. and on new years eve....what a great way to start a new year. ;] youre supposed to be with the one you love and kiss at midnight. is it all fate or coincidence? odd, yeah....i guess we'll either have to wait and find out. or never know at all.
jordan. see-he's the most confusing of all. he makes me feel so real. solid. but he also makes me feel like shit. but he can make me smile from being so goofy. but he can also piss me off by doing stupid things. but i like him....all in all. its weird. there's something about him. but then again there's something about everyone. i dont know if im trying to convince myself that i dont like him. or if im reassuring myself. maybe i got scared off by his commitments. i just dont understand. he's so negative sometimes.
.....to be cont...