i have mono and alone with my thoughts this is what happens.....
What has happened to me...
I don't know when it all started, i look back and reflect on my actions over even the past year and i realized i have undergone a change, and not really one for the best. It's like the myth of the Devil or Angel on the shoulder or in psychology (Superego VS ID) and i have given into the ID or the devil.
When i think about how i was in high school up to senior year, i was much of a nobody, i kept to much and did not have many friends. I did not party, drink, smoke, or do any drugs. And did not get the best grade but managed B or C. Then senior year came, it was like the ball game changed. I stopped caring about the important things that mattered and meant something in my life and my focus changed to those less important, like going out with friends, drinking, and doing the party scene.
Then i turned 18 and got into the concept that i was a adult i am free to do what i want, and like christina say "Nobody can hold us down..." That idea played in my head, i stopped follow any rules that my parents set for me, thinking why is it a big deal i am 18 let me live a little. I need to make mistakes just learn who am. I honestly have felt overprotect. Esp the fact that i am living a gay lifestyle. The community is much smaller, and to meet someone, you honestly have two places 1. On-line at one of those XY or face the jury sites, or 2. The Clubs. I was honestly tired of the "Internet scene" because nothing ever really happened. So i started going to the clubs, where they do not pick up till 12 and do not close till 2. Then i started going there with people who know every body. I started to get a feeling that i was popular. However, it was a fake popular, the people at those clubs were fake, and forgot your name one minute after they heard it. I know this because i was one of those people, i have meant so many people over and over again, and cannot remember who they were. I think all this gave me a sence of sercurity i was among people like myself i could do what i wanted and not be judged.
So this only lasted for a few weeks, during the summer. Then school started and i totally fucked up there. But i don't really want to talk about that cause i can changed that it was my first semster. The problems at home really have just consumed me, i was living in a nightmare that i could not escape from. I know things could be worse, but still it was emotionly draining on me. I was the product of everything evil, i was everything that was wrong with the pure world. I was a homosexual. i was judge everyday. So i started staying out of the house more, starting smoking cigarettes. Then came the move "Temp stay at my moms." I just got out of control in a week, as the previous entries will reflect. Then i got mono. Somehow i think this was a blessing in disquise. They say the lord works in mystorous ways, could this be him giving me hint, to chill out and look what i have in front of me.
Out of this Jeff has been so good to me, and looked past the first impression i made (where i got drunk saw him and made out with him) and has been there for me, over this past 2 days and came over and brought me food, and sat with me for awhile, even though i have this plague of death, where i cannot make out. But i wonder if we can survive through this, can we actually make, can we not let sex become our relationship. Can we actually grow to be a loving couple? The result of these next four weeks will tell. I have also see my mother even though she is annoying with taking care of me her hearts in the right place, i just got anniod fast when i am sick.
But i also realized i think i have lost one of my best friends, Jackie, we were such good friends, then had a falling out over this past summer. I still remember summer of '03. We lived at the Palimaires house, we were there so much we started calling them mom and dad, we used to do every thing together. Over this past few weeks she has chosen someone else over me, which kinda hurts me because we have known each other for 4 years and this person she has known for like 3-4 months. But whatever.
I have had nothing to do lately but be alone with my thoughts and drink verniors and eat popsicles and take motrin so thats why this entry is so indept of my life.