FIC: Ain't No Sunshine (Part 6/?)
What: BtVS fanfic
Series written for: Summer of Giles 2012
Pairing: Faith & Giles
Rating: G, FRC
Setting: Post "Chosen," no comics. Any similarity to the comics is coincidence as I haven't read them, though I have read some synopses of them online.
Disclaimer: I own nothing in the BtVS universe and no one pays me for my fan fiction either (sadly).
Summary: Sometime after Sunnydale imploded, Faith has left Cleveland and Robin and come to England to find Giles. Giles has been working to rebuild the Council, and Faith is hoping she can be of some help to him.
Note: Recommend you read Part 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 first.
Well, that was cathartic, Giles thought to himself, removing his glasses and wiping his eyes.
He replaced his glasses, then folded his arms on top of his guitar, and rested his chin on them, sighing softly in contentment.
Everything in life is a process, Giles knew that, but finally he felt he had turned a corner. He was moving towards the light and freedom, instead of huddling in a cave with his back to the sun as he had been for weeks. He'd been so down. It was an immense relief to feel something other than numbness or despair.
A memory surfaced of when he had been talking to Buffy-bot -- he’d so foolishly let himself be comforted by her existence, occasionally letting himself almost forget that his Slayer was dead. Almost.
“I just can’t help but wonder if...she would have been better off without me...I did what any good Watcher would do: got my Slayer killed in the line of duty...That’s how all Slayer/Watcher relationships end, isn’t it? She’s gone. I did my job.”
His guilt had continued to haunt him even after Buffy was brought back. In fact, as their relationship became strained, his pain tormented him, twisting his insides into knots. Like a cancer, his guilt, shame and self-loathing about his failures grew until it eclipsed any joy in his life. And it all came to a head the night Faith arrived.
Now, finally, his mind felt clear again. He listened to his breath entering and exiting his body, and it felt like he was breathing new life and vitality into his lungs. I ‘choose life’, he quoted to himself randomly and with some amusement.
There were several moments of silence in the room, with neither he nor Faith daring to break it. Faith found herself holding her breath. Then Giles sensed her presence. He felt at peace with himself for the first time in... longer than he could remember. He didn’t look at her, afraid, like a skittish little bird, she might fly away from him again. Instead, he chose to reach out to her through song. He chose a song that spoke to him, and hoped it would to her as well.
Heaven bend to take my hand and lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer to a long and painful fight
Truth be told I’ve tried my best
But somewhere along the way, I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear...
Both Giles and Faith knew and suffered the costs of their past actions. And both found it difficult to bear at times.
Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up better I should know
So don't come 'round here and
Tell me I told you so...
At one time or another, they'd each given up on themselves.
More than once, truth be told.
But, like the phoenix, or the cat, they came back again. To fight another day*.
They got by with a little help from their friends.
We all begin with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone...
As he'd once told Willow when she was struggling to reconcile herself to her past actions, "In the end, we all are who wer are, no matter how much we may appear to have changed."
That truth can at times be a relief. It was for Willow.
But at other times it may feel like a curse.
But we carry on our back the burden time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I've held so dear...
They both knew loss. Too much of it.
The bitterness for Giles came from the fact that though he'd made mistakes and learned from them, he couldn't seem to avoid making more mistakes. Mistakes that cost him, and others, dearly. Sometimes they paid with their lives.
I've fallen, I have sunk so low
I messed up better I should know
So don't come 'round here and
Tell me I told you so...
Of course he knew better. Yet, somehow, he continued to mess up his life. Constantly. And monumentally.
Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads, embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one miss step, one slip, before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed...
Giles felt kindred to Faith in this regard. He empathized greatly with her. He could understand her lonliness.
And her rage.
Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come 'round here and
Tell me I told you so
Oh, I've messed up
Better I should know
Don't come 'round here and
Tell me I told you so**
When he finished this time, she was sitting on the couch with him. It was perhaps easiest for both of them that this put them side by side rather than face to face. They could enjoy each other’s closeness without the vulnerability of eye contact just then.
By now Faith had also gotten herself a glass of whiskey. Giles put the guitar aside and settled back on the sofa. They sat in comfortable silence for some time, ruminating and refilling their tumblers without a word each time they emptied them.
Several glasses later, Faith was the first one to speak.
“You know, Angel...” she glanced at Giles when she said Angel’s name, but he didn’t flinch or show any discernible reaction, so she continued, “he’s like, all about redemption. Or, he was, anyways. Like...as if trying for it is all there is. You know? But I wonder...sometimes...like you sang before...there doesn’t seem a way to be redeemed...” her voice caught.
He watched her intently as she reigned in her emotions. It was a bare flicker of time. If he'd blinked he might have thought he'd imagined it. Clearly she was practiced at hiding her pain and wearing a facade of complete confidence and independence. He knew this, and yet, he let himself believe the lie much of the time. He had to remind himself that sometimes those who appear the strongest really aren't.
She cleared her throat, quickly regaining her composure, and then continued, “Just...” she struggled to put her thoughts into words, “maybe trying for it -- redemption -- is the wrong thing...” she sighed in frustration, feeling that he wouldn’t understand what she meant, but not knowing how to explain herself better.
“Maybe it’s peace,” Giles said softly after a few moments. She glanced sharply at him and searched his eyes. He shrugged slightly as he continued, “Maybe there is n-no redemption, but maybe we c-can find peace. And...maybe that’s enough.” He shrugged slightly, almost indiscernibly.
Faith wasn’t quite sure what to make of his suggestion, but she sensed a glimmer of hope in Giles, and felt one stirring in herself at his words.
Giles emptied out the rest of the bottle into their glasses, and Faith stood and took the empty into the kitchen. She surprised him when came back with another bottle, as well as a deck of cards. They continued to drink and played cards until the sky began to lighten, but their conversation never turned back to anything so heavy.
When he became aware of the rising sun, Giles removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. He realized he was ready to drop, so decided to stretch out on the couch rather than attempt a lurching stumble down the hallway to his bed. Faith had moved to the chair while they played cards, but now she could see Giles was about to pass out, and she didn’t want to let this chance go by.
Each in their own way, they were both more comfortable with actions than with words in many circumstances. Faith needed to thank him for this night, so she quickly got up and sat next to him before he swung his legs up on the couch to stretch out. He raised his eyebrows at her in surprise (though also bleary-eyed), and she hugged him. He smiled broadly and hugged her back tightly, enjoying the sensation of being held, and the softness of her hair against his cheek.
Between the two of them they’d drunk enough to down a small elephant, so both were close to zonking out, and neither wanted to let go of the other. Inhibitions long-since drowned, they stretched out on the couch together, and fell asleep with their arms around each other.
__________________________________________
*"When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting. But they do. They never... They never quit. And so I guess I will keep fighting, too." ~ Anya
**See the video for Sarah McLachlan's "Fallen", the song Giles sings to Faith above.
Part 7