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[pookieyamamama]

i had forgotten how painful writing poetry can be

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[pookieyamamama]

i mean, for me it's about waiting for the words to come. sometimes they just spill forth and other times they only come in driblets and yet i know it's not a work that's done. that's where i am at the moment. it's been so long since i have allowed this voice on center stage that it's being timid and faltering ... faltering under stage fright. sad. i so loved how the words would fall from me and wind up perfect on the page ... here's one from a very long time ago:

i dreamt of you in a hobo's dream
full of loneliness and despair

anyway. they still come but it's like the coffee machine i am trying to fix atm ... the flow comes in sputters and falters to brew. so far cleaning it hasn't worked. maybe i need replacing. do you want to replace me? so ... being encouraged to work in different mediums with what i know and ... see/feel. the insight and deep waters. but it's like wearing an old pair of shoes that don't quite fit so you go looking for the same ones and they just aren't made anymore ... so you find a beautiful new pair but now you have to break them in.
yeah. like that.

i have a deep ache inside me. deep in my gut and it gets stuck in my throat like a pill that won't swallow. i have no answers and i really wish i did. but i don't. i really,really don't.