Eurovision Song Contest 2010
Greetings fellow apes! After sitting through possibly the crappest Dr Who of this series so far, I now find myself preparing to pass judgement on possibly the crappest Eurovision Song Contest so far. Fortunately I've got absolutely zero prior knowledge of the 'songs', the 'artists' or the presenters. So you're going to be treated to completely spontaneous reactions to all of them. I say 'treated', I probably mean..well, whatever the opposite to 'treated' might be.
So, enough waffle, let's run through my usual checklist before we start, to make sure I've got all the necessary items:
Laptop - check!
Telly tuned to BBCHD - check!
Large glass of wine - check!
Rest of bottle in fridge - check!
Sam (whose comments usually form the amusing bits of these updates) - check!
Ruby (whose reactions might also form the amusing bits of these updates - if she ever wakes up) - check!
I don't think I can update this and keep it in 'real' time at the top of your Friends List page, so if you're daft enough to want to read this as I type, then you'll have to just keep this entry open and hit 'refresh' after every song! I'll doubtless split it into separate entries as I've done before anyway. Oh, apparently if you hit "track" in the comments it will keep you updated, or something.
This year is not quite so important for Britain, apparently, as our song was not written by Lord Lizard Man, nor will he be performing on stage, thus boosting our chances by 5%. No, it was written by Pete Waterman and all I know if it is that it's been roundly criticised by everybody in the world. Including Pete Waterman.
So, eyes down, here we go!
Heeeeeeere's Graham!
We start with a beautiful recreation of a Swiss family watching the original Eurovision. Spheres are representing 'moments' in Eurovision history. Or something. Hang on, have I accidentally tuned into the next episode of Dr Who? Judging from the effects, I think I have!
Right, all that fannying around now has us in some stadium-or-other in Oslo. Apparently we are all 'sharing the moment'. Nice.
Some bloke called Paul is wishing GB luck. Oh, these are webcams in peoples houses all over Europe. Because that's what we want to see. Fellow saddos sitting through three hours of pain.
Oh good. It's Shouty Bloke from last year. Time to nip out for a pee.
I see Shouty Bloke's 'singing' hasn't improved over the past 12 months.
Oops, nearly forgot! Must put the 'singalong' option on the Red Button, so we can share those marvellous lyrics.
Good old Norway. They've dispensed with the old fashioned format of two shite presenters...to give us three shite presenters!
Oh, the phone lines are open before the first song is sung. Because that'll stop the political voting!
First up Azerbaijan - 'Drip Drop' sung by Safura
Ooh, Safura forgot her underskirt! She's singing a very hearfelt ballad. Apparently. Well, I say 'singing'. I mean 'shouting'. Because obviously that's the way to win Eurovision if last year's entry is anything to go by. I'm not sure who she thinks she's impersonating - Beyonce or that bird from Pussycat Dolls. Ooh! our first dancing accompaniment. A man with a goatee who is clearly in some sort of pain. Perhaps the 'drip drop' in the lyrics refers to his prostate? God, what a dirge. Ruby has decided to move off the chair and on to the floor. I have no idea what that signifies. Dirge/10
Spain - Algo Pequenito (Something Tiny)
Something tiny? And so begin the penis jokes. Spain appear to have sent the cast of The Fast show to represent them. Hethehthehth Chris Waddle! Ruby has just farted. I think that tells us what she thinks of this one. 'Your wind blown hair entwined in my hands' the Leo-Sayer-alike sings. How apt. Oh, and there's our first key-change of the night! Now Leo's twin brother has come out to harmonise with him! "Worst song ever" says Sam. Well, maybe not, but it's close Hethethetheth/10.
Norway - My Heart Is Yours - Didrik Sollio-somethingorother.
Oh dear, we have our first sideways-spikey-hairdo of the night. And a very out-of-tune singer. Ouch. "I watch you at night, and when you cannot see me I'm still there..." This man is a tone-deaf stalker. They've nicked this tune from another song, however they've mangled it so badly I can't place it. KEY CHANGE! He's managed to stay just as flat in a higher key. AND NOW HE'S SHOUTING! Marvellous. Flatasafart/10.
Moldova - Run Away - Sunstroke Project & Olia Tira.
Fiddler on a revolving platform. Oh God, I hate this already. Woman dressed as an extra from "Bladerunner' singing some sort of Hi-NRG cobblers. Sam is wiggle dancing and shouting 'Yay! Europop'. Man on a toy sax! Meaningless lyrics!'Ohhhh forget. Let me breath, let me breathe, just run away from my mind'. WHAT? Twaddle/10
Cyprus - Life Looks Better in Spring John Lilygreen & The Islanders.
Apparently this man is Welsh. And the Islanders are from all over the place. But not Cyprus. Maybe they think this multi-national lot will fool Greece into not voting for them. 'Tell me about your feelings, tell me about your stories' Oh go on then, if you insist. I feel a bit sick, actually. I think it might have something to do with your Bryan Adamsalike singing. This is a bit...well, average really. I must admit I drifted off for a moment there and was pondering what to have for dinner tomorrow. Bland/10.
Bosnia/Herzogovina - Thunder & Lightning - Vukasin Brajic
"A big rocky number' promises Graham. Does this mean Sylvester Stallone will be singing? Alas no, it's Tin-Tin's older brother. "This is the time to melt the ice, off our lips and off our hearts" O-kaay. Now Tin-Tin Sr. thinks he's Slash. But without the ability to play guitar. Oh they're all being terribly hearfelt here but I just want to go and make a cup of tea. Ruby has just sneezed. I think that translates as 'turn this shit off, mother, and get me a bone'. Key change and SHOUTING seem to be the pattern of the evening here. Tin-Tin/10.
Belgium - Me & My Guitar - Tom Dice
A literal translation in performance, here. Aw, this has the potential to be very sweet. My toe is tapping along. First time all night. This could be a sign that it's a catchy little ditty. Or I might be leaning on a nerve. Now my head is swaying from side to side. Yes, this is the best song so far. Ruby is up and moving around...oh, back to the chair for another snooze. Thanks for that insight, Rube. Toe-tapping/10.
Serbia - This is the Balkans - Milan Stankovic.
Man with shit hair. Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Is that Lady Ga Ga's younger, less talented brother? I can't describe this performance, I really can't. Other than...'utter shit'. Does he think if he shouts 'Balkan' enough, he'll get votes from all the Balkan countries, regardless of how awful the song is? He's probably right. It's a right load of old Balkans. Gaga/10.
Did I miss something? What are they on about 'Spain will be allowed to perform again'?
Right, as there's a break, I shall leave this entry as it's getting a bit long and continue in another one. TTFN!
So, enough waffle, let's run through my usual checklist before we start, to make sure I've got all the necessary items:
Laptop - check!
Telly tuned to BBCHD - check!
Large glass of wine - check!
Rest of bottle in fridge - check!
Sam (whose comments usually form the amusing bits of these updates) - check!
Ruby (whose reactions might also form the amusing bits of these updates - if she ever wakes up) - check!
I don't think I can update this and keep it in 'real' time at the top of your Friends List page, so if you're daft enough to want to read this as I type, then you'll have to just keep this entry open and hit 'refresh' after every song! I'll doubtless split it into separate entries as I've done before anyway. Oh, apparently if you hit "track" in the comments it will keep you updated, or something.
This year is not quite so important for Britain, apparently, as our song was not written by Lord Lizard Man, nor will he be performing on stage, thus boosting our chances by 5%. No, it was written by Pete Waterman and all I know if it is that it's been roundly criticised by everybody in the world. Including Pete Waterman.
So, eyes down, here we go!
Heeeeeeere's Graham!
We start with a beautiful recreation of a Swiss family watching the original Eurovision. Spheres are representing 'moments' in Eurovision history. Or something. Hang on, have I accidentally tuned into the next episode of Dr Who? Judging from the effects, I think I have!
Right, all that fannying around now has us in some stadium-or-other in Oslo. Apparently we are all 'sharing the moment'. Nice.
Some bloke called Paul is wishing GB luck. Oh, these are webcams in peoples houses all over Europe. Because that's what we want to see. Fellow saddos sitting through three hours of pain.
Oh good. It's Shouty Bloke from last year. Time to nip out for a pee.
I see Shouty Bloke's 'singing' hasn't improved over the past 12 months.
Oops, nearly forgot! Must put the 'singalong' option on the Red Button, so we can share those marvellous lyrics.
Good old Norway. They've dispensed with the old fashioned format of two shite presenters...to give us three shite presenters!
Oh, the phone lines are open before the first song is sung. Because that'll stop the political voting!
First up Azerbaijan - 'Drip Drop' sung by Safura
Ooh, Safura forgot her underskirt! She's singing a very hearfelt ballad. Apparently. Well, I say 'singing'. I mean 'shouting'. Because obviously that's the way to win Eurovision if last year's entry is anything to go by. I'm not sure who she thinks she's impersonating - Beyonce or that bird from Pussycat Dolls. Ooh! our first dancing accompaniment. A man with a goatee who is clearly in some sort of pain. Perhaps the 'drip drop' in the lyrics refers to his prostate? God, what a dirge. Ruby has decided to move off the chair and on to the floor. I have no idea what that signifies. Dirge/10
Spain - Algo Pequenito (Something Tiny)
Something tiny? And so begin the penis jokes. Spain appear to have sent the cast of The Fast show to represent them. Hethehthehth Chris Waddle! Ruby has just farted. I think that tells us what she thinks of this one. 'Your wind blown hair entwined in my hands' the Leo-Sayer-alike sings. How apt. Oh, and there's our first key-change of the night! Now Leo's twin brother has come out to harmonise with him! "Worst song ever" says Sam. Well, maybe not, but it's close Hethethetheth/10.
Norway - My Heart Is Yours - Didrik Sollio-somethingorother.
Oh dear, we have our first sideways-spikey-hairdo of the night. And a very out-of-tune singer. Ouch. "I watch you at night, and when you cannot see me I'm still there..." This man is a tone-deaf stalker. They've nicked this tune from another song, however they've mangled it so badly I can't place it. KEY CHANGE! He's managed to stay just as flat in a higher key. AND NOW HE'S SHOUTING! Marvellous. Flatasafart/10.
Moldova - Run Away - Sunstroke Project & Olia Tira.
Fiddler on a revolving platform. Oh God, I hate this already. Woman dressed as an extra from "Bladerunner' singing some sort of Hi-NRG cobblers. Sam is wiggle dancing and shouting 'Yay! Europop'. Man on a toy sax! Meaningless lyrics!'Ohhhh forget. Let me breath, let me breathe, just run away from my mind'. WHAT? Twaddle/10
Cyprus - Life Looks Better in Spring John Lilygreen & The Islanders.
Apparently this man is Welsh. And the Islanders are from all over the place. But not Cyprus. Maybe they think this multi-national lot will fool Greece into not voting for them. 'Tell me about your feelings, tell me about your stories' Oh go on then, if you insist. I feel a bit sick, actually. I think it might have something to do with your Bryan Adamsalike singing. This is a bit...well, average really. I must admit I drifted off for a moment there and was pondering what to have for dinner tomorrow. Bland/10.
Bosnia/Herzogovina - Thunder & Lightning - Vukasin Brajic
"A big rocky number' promises Graham. Does this mean Sylvester Stallone will be singing? Alas no, it's Tin-Tin's older brother. "This is the time to melt the ice, off our lips and off our hearts" O-kaay. Now Tin-Tin Sr. thinks he's Slash. But without the ability to play guitar. Oh they're all being terribly hearfelt here but I just want to go and make a cup of tea. Ruby has just sneezed. I think that translates as 'turn this shit off, mother, and get me a bone'. Key change and SHOUTING seem to be the pattern of the evening here. Tin-Tin/10.
Belgium - Me & My Guitar - Tom Dice
A literal translation in performance, here. Aw, this has the potential to be very sweet. My toe is tapping along. First time all night. This could be a sign that it's a catchy little ditty. Or I might be leaning on a nerve. Now my head is swaying from side to side. Yes, this is the best song so far. Ruby is up and moving around...oh, back to the chair for another snooze. Thanks for that insight, Rube. Toe-tapping/10.
Serbia - This is the Balkans - Milan Stankovic.
Man with shit hair. Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Is that Lady Ga Ga's younger, less talented brother? I can't describe this performance, I really can't. Other than...'utter shit'. Does he think if he shouts 'Balkan' enough, he'll get votes from all the Balkan countries, regardless of how awful the song is? He's probably right. It's a right load of old Balkans. Gaga/10.
Did I miss something? What are they on about 'Spain will be allowed to perform again'?
Right, as there's a break, I shall leave this entry as it's getting a bit long and continue in another one. TTFN!