My mom
Weird, I'm posting on livejournal, and I haven't even looked at this thing in months. The only reason I'm writing in this is because I need to get my feelings off my chest, and writing helps me do that... but I don't want to do it on facebook for everyone and their mother to look at. I figure no one sees this anymore, so it's ok to write here.
My hands are shaking right now... and I've had knots in my stomach the past few days. I finally contacted my biological family about my mom, Kelly. My uncle, surprisingly, answered almost immediately. Apparently Kelly has wanted to meet me, but promised my family she would not interfere with my life so that things wouldn't get complicated. While part of this calms me and lets me know that my mother DOES want to see and meet me (as my uncle told me), it also upsets me. My parents have watched me suffer the past several years, especially since I turned 18, about contacting my mother. I didn't do it when I was able because I was scared... scared to absolute death that my mom would reject me. And to know that she agreed to stay out of my life to not mess things up, and know that they knew about it... that angers me. They knew that I didn't want to contact Kelly because I didn't know what the outcome would be, and they just said they supported my decision. BUT if they KNEW that she agreed to NOT CONTACT ME, they should have told me that instead of letting me cry myself to sleep endless nights thinking that she forgot about me and didn't want anything to do with me.
Now, because of my parents having to pay two tuitions, and our Europe trip this summer, it's not financially possible for a trip out to Utah this summer. If she wants, she can come here... but that's a bit much to ask. And anyway, I want to go out there, I have a SISTER and a step dad, and a WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY that I want to meet in Utah... but I can't. I guess I'm frustrated.
When I think about it, I can understand that once my family found out that Kelly got married and had a child (yes, I have a little sister) things might have changed in the way of her wanting to meet me. Who knows, I might never find out....
It's hard for people to understand this if they haven't lived this life. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect people to know what it feels like, and what emotions and feelings come with the territory of being adopted... it's hard. And if it's hard for me to feel it and express it, it's a million times harder to convey it to others. I love my parents, and I know that they love me... but I know that it might be hard for them to know that the child they raised for 20 years has always wanted to meet her other family... the family that is tied to me by blood. Family is family, no matter what race, religion, culture, or anything else you are. Family doesn't mean you share DNA and blood and heritage... obviously, look at my family. Sam and I are both adopted. But the people that I am connected to by blood and by birth, no one can replace that. I've lived for 22 years of my life not knowing a damn thing about WHO I am, WHERE I come from, or anything else that so many people can answer in a heart beat. I'm envious, so incredibly jealous, of people that know their heritage, what nationalities they are, what their grandparents names are, where their family comes from, and how they came here. How could I not be? I know plenty about my adopted family, but nothing of my biological family other than I'm a little bit Polish.
I don't think anyone could understand what I'm talking about right now... on the surface, yes, it's probably understandable. But the way that I'm dealing with all of this, and thinking through it... I don't know. Unless you live it, you couldn't. And while I might think I know what my parents are thinking, I don't because 1. I'm not them, and 2. I've never been a parent, let alone an adopted parent.
I hope no one has read this and gotten confused. I've had a headache for 2 days just trying to wrap my head around all that has happened the past few days. Literally YEARS of my life spent worrying, crying, angry, happy, sad... every emotion on the emotional spectrum have been crashing in my mind.
I hope and pray that I get the answers to all of my questions soon...
My hands are shaking right now... and I've had knots in my stomach the past few days. I finally contacted my biological family about my mom, Kelly. My uncle, surprisingly, answered almost immediately. Apparently Kelly has wanted to meet me, but promised my family she would not interfere with my life so that things wouldn't get complicated. While part of this calms me and lets me know that my mother DOES want to see and meet me (as my uncle told me), it also upsets me. My parents have watched me suffer the past several years, especially since I turned 18, about contacting my mother. I didn't do it when I was able because I was scared... scared to absolute death that my mom would reject me. And to know that she agreed to stay out of my life to not mess things up, and know that they knew about it... that angers me. They knew that I didn't want to contact Kelly because I didn't know what the outcome would be, and they just said they supported my decision. BUT if they KNEW that she agreed to NOT CONTACT ME, they should have told me that instead of letting me cry myself to sleep endless nights thinking that she forgot about me and didn't want anything to do with me.
Now, because of my parents having to pay two tuitions, and our Europe trip this summer, it's not financially possible for a trip out to Utah this summer. If she wants, she can come here... but that's a bit much to ask. And anyway, I want to go out there, I have a SISTER and a step dad, and a WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY that I want to meet in Utah... but I can't. I guess I'm frustrated.
When I think about it, I can understand that once my family found out that Kelly got married and had a child (yes, I have a little sister) things might have changed in the way of her wanting to meet me. Who knows, I might never find out....
It's hard for people to understand this if they haven't lived this life. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect people to know what it feels like, and what emotions and feelings come with the territory of being adopted... it's hard. And if it's hard for me to feel it and express it, it's a million times harder to convey it to others. I love my parents, and I know that they love me... but I know that it might be hard for them to know that the child they raised for 20 years has always wanted to meet her other family... the family that is tied to me by blood. Family is family, no matter what race, religion, culture, or anything else you are. Family doesn't mean you share DNA and blood and heritage... obviously, look at my family. Sam and I are both adopted. But the people that I am connected to by blood and by birth, no one can replace that. I've lived for 22 years of my life not knowing a damn thing about WHO I am, WHERE I come from, or anything else that so many people can answer in a heart beat. I'm envious, so incredibly jealous, of people that know their heritage, what nationalities they are, what their grandparents names are, where their family comes from, and how they came here. How could I not be? I know plenty about my adopted family, but nothing of my biological family other than I'm a little bit Polish.
I don't think anyone could understand what I'm talking about right now... on the surface, yes, it's probably understandable. But the way that I'm dealing with all of this, and thinking through it... I don't know. Unless you live it, you couldn't. And while I might think I know what my parents are thinking, I don't because 1. I'm not them, and 2. I've never been a parent, let alone an adopted parent.
I hope no one has read this and gotten confused. I've had a headache for 2 days just trying to wrap my head around all that has happened the past few days. Literally YEARS of my life spent worrying, crying, angry, happy, sad... every emotion on the emotional spectrum have been crashing in my mind.
I hope and pray that I get the answers to all of my questions soon...