Mental Health
I have been absolutely exhausted lately. My work recently reopened where we're handing out items with no contact. While this is great, we don't have as many people as we used to. The work is fairly physical. We were overloaded on the first week and all we could talk about were our aches and pain. And while I've seen many people who are nice and appreciative, the negative interactions kind of make those seem insignificant.
It's been incredibly taxing both mentally and physically.
As my counselor would say, my gas tank was empty. I was running on fumes. What happens when I am running that low? Awful memories come back. I tell myself I'm a failure. I can't take pleasure in sewing or writing or baking anymore. Everything becomes a work task that I have to complete in a matter of hours. A predominant feeling of being overwhelmed took over me for the month of June. That was when I came across the symptoms for ADHD.
Being incredibly inattentive as a child. Feeling constantly overwhelmed. Not being emotionally as mature as all the other kids. I started watching the Youtube channel How to ADHD and felt like it was so obvious that I had ADHD. That was where all my problems stemmed from. There's so much ADHD in my family anyway, how could I have gone on this long without believing that I might have it? For a whole week, I had this gut feeling that it was ADHD. I went to go see my doctor and brought it up, feeling that I would get the validation I sought.
As you probably guessed, things get a little muddy from here on out.
The problem is that these funky brain issues have a lot in common. Feeling insurmountably overwhelmed is a symptom of ADHD. But it's also a symptom of depression. Inattentiveness can be a symptom of ADHD. But it's also a symptom of anxiety or dissociation. The longer I spoke with my doctor, the less cohesive my diagnoses felt. It was as if my brain was a wheel with different spokes on it. One was depression, the other social anxiety. I had added the ADHD spoke. But my doctor added about 5 other spokes. I could have 1 of those spokes she added. Or I could have all 5.
The longer we spoke though, the more we were leaning into one specific spoke. I told her that I would often blank out of conversations for a minute or two and come back later. That sometimes I have to re-read paragraphs because I'll blank out while I'm reading. She asked me if I had ever forgotten something significant. I was reminded of the time I took my car in for service and took Christopher Isherwood's A Single Man with me. I hadn't read it yet and it was short enough where I could probably get through it in an hour. I opened the book and noticed all of my tell-tale notes and underlining. There was no memory in my head that I had ever read this book and yet the physical evidence that I had was in my hands.
There's a term for this. It's called dissociation.
My doctor asked me if I had ever been abused or something traumatic had happened to me. At this point, I started to realize where this conversation was going and a pressure started to build in my chest. I told her the truth: that I had been emotionally abused as a child. Because this type of relationship seemed normal to me, I then befriended someone in middle school and high school who was emotionally abusive. While I cut the cord on that friendship in my senior year, it's difficult to do so with family. My doctor informed me that it might be a good idea to see a therapist again.
On the drive home, I had to will myself not to cry. All I could think was, "Am I that damaged? Am I that permanently scarred by this?"
When I was home, I did what I do best: I researched like hell. Suddenly, everything started to fall into place. I have experienced depersonalization and derealization constantly. I have been in places that do not feel real. I have stared at my reflection and felt like a stranger was looking back at me. I "zone out" far more frequently than I'd like to admit. I feel often like there is no me in me. If you'd ask me to describe who I am as a person, I wouldn't have an answer for you.
I started grieving for my child self, who was taken advantage of simply by existing. I didn't do anything wrong as a child. I was highly sensitive and terrified of everything. Then I grew up to become someone who was incredibly afraid of making social connections. Who apologized at every perceived wrong-doing. Who took my own emotional abuser's words and flung them at myself when I was anything less than perfect. Who can't trust people not to take advantage of me.
Since my research, there has been a fear that I may have PTSD. I have also been considering that I might be a highly sensitive person, as my nervous system has been abuzz since I was a child. I start to get these prickles on the top of my head when someone is even close to me, because I can feel their being. Sounds have always been sharp to me and I can be overwhelmed by my senses. And yet I get lost in art, movies, and music. I find it highly amusing that I was once chastised by my music teacher for saying that I was "making noise" and now one of my favorite music genres is noise rock.
Ultimately, I will probably need to see a therapist to figure all of this out. It's possible that I have dissociation, depression, anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD. Or not. Who knows.
There is one take-away that I have from all of this though: the awe-inspiring tenacity of the brain. I immediately thought about how awful it was that I had been taken advantage of. But then I started thinking about the ways my brain has tried to protect me from the damage. It's a little bit in overdrive right now, but it has given me everything it has just to function in society. That alone started to make me feel some compassion for myself. It will attempt to make you forget everything that happened just so you can continue to exist.
Currently, I'm going to try and take it easy for a while.
Here are some of the resources I found:
- How to ADHD - her videos apply even if you have depression and anxiety.
- Kati Morton, a licensed therapist who has been making videos on mental health for a long time. In particular, I found her videos on dissociation and on being a highly sensitive person helpful. I'll be taking her grounding tips from now on. She also talks about PTSD and emotional abuse, as there is something known as "CPTSD" (Complex PTSD) in survivors of long-term abuse.
- Instagram and Tumblr have been heplful to me as well, in finding people who feel the same way. It's somewhat validating to see other people report their symptoms. I've been going through the hashtags for emotional abuse and dissociation.
It's been incredibly taxing both mentally and physically.
As my counselor would say, my gas tank was empty. I was running on fumes. What happens when I am running that low? Awful memories come back. I tell myself I'm a failure. I can't take pleasure in sewing or writing or baking anymore. Everything becomes a work task that I have to complete in a matter of hours. A predominant feeling of being overwhelmed took over me for the month of June. That was when I came across the symptoms for ADHD.
Being incredibly inattentive as a child. Feeling constantly overwhelmed. Not being emotionally as mature as all the other kids. I started watching the Youtube channel How to ADHD and felt like it was so obvious that I had ADHD. That was where all my problems stemmed from. There's so much ADHD in my family anyway, how could I have gone on this long without believing that I might have it? For a whole week, I had this gut feeling that it was ADHD. I went to go see my doctor and brought it up, feeling that I would get the validation I sought.
As you probably guessed, things get a little muddy from here on out.
The problem is that these funky brain issues have a lot in common. Feeling insurmountably overwhelmed is a symptom of ADHD. But it's also a symptom of depression. Inattentiveness can be a symptom of ADHD. But it's also a symptom of anxiety or dissociation. The longer I spoke with my doctor, the less cohesive my diagnoses felt. It was as if my brain was a wheel with different spokes on it. One was depression, the other social anxiety. I had added the ADHD spoke. But my doctor added about 5 other spokes. I could have 1 of those spokes she added. Or I could have all 5.
The longer we spoke though, the more we were leaning into one specific spoke. I told her that I would often blank out of conversations for a minute or two and come back later. That sometimes I have to re-read paragraphs because I'll blank out while I'm reading. She asked me if I had ever forgotten something significant. I was reminded of the time I took my car in for service and took Christopher Isherwood's A Single Man with me. I hadn't read it yet and it was short enough where I could probably get through it in an hour. I opened the book and noticed all of my tell-tale notes and underlining. There was no memory in my head that I had ever read this book and yet the physical evidence that I had was in my hands.
There's a term for this. It's called dissociation.
My doctor asked me if I had ever been abused or something traumatic had happened to me. At this point, I started to realize where this conversation was going and a pressure started to build in my chest. I told her the truth: that I had been emotionally abused as a child. Because this type of relationship seemed normal to me, I then befriended someone in middle school and high school who was emotionally abusive. While I cut the cord on that friendship in my senior year, it's difficult to do so with family. My doctor informed me that it might be a good idea to see a therapist again.
On the drive home, I had to will myself not to cry. All I could think was, "Am I that damaged? Am I that permanently scarred by this?"
When I was home, I did what I do best: I researched like hell. Suddenly, everything started to fall into place. I have experienced depersonalization and derealization constantly. I have been in places that do not feel real. I have stared at my reflection and felt like a stranger was looking back at me. I "zone out" far more frequently than I'd like to admit. I feel often like there is no me in me. If you'd ask me to describe who I am as a person, I wouldn't have an answer for you.
I started grieving for my child self, who was taken advantage of simply by existing. I didn't do anything wrong as a child. I was highly sensitive and terrified of everything. Then I grew up to become someone who was incredibly afraid of making social connections. Who apologized at every perceived wrong-doing. Who took my own emotional abuser's words and flung them at myself when I was anything less than perfect. Who can't trust people not to take advantage of me.
Since my research, there has been a fear that I may have PTSD. I have also been considering that I might be a highly sensitive person, as my nervous system has been abuzz since I was a child. I start to get these prickles on the top of my head when someone is even close to me, because I can feel their being. Sounds have always been sharp to me and I can be overwhelmed by my senses. And yet I get lost in art, movies, and music. I find it highly amusing that I was once chastised by my music teacher for saying that I was "making noise" and now one of my favorite music genres is noise rock.
Ultimately, I will probably need to see a therapist to figure all of this out. It's possible that I have dissociation, depression, anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD. Or not. Who knows.
There is one take-away that I have from all of this though: the awe-inspiring tenacity of the brain. I immediately thought about how awful it was that I had been taken advantage of. But then I started thinking about the ways my brain has tried to protect me from the damage. It's a little bit in overdrive right now, but it has given me everything it has just to function in society. That alone started to make me feel some compassion for myself. It will attempt to make you forget everything that happened just so you can continue to exist.
Currently, I'm going to try and take it easy for a while.
Here are some of the resources I found:
- How to ADHD - her videos apply even if you have depression and anxiety.
- Kati Morton, a licensed therapist who has been making videos on mental health for a long time. In particular, I found her videos on dissociation and on being a highly sensitive person helpful. I'll be taking her grounding tips from now on. She also talks about PTSD and emotional abuse, as there is something known as "CPTSD" (Complex PTSD) in survivors of long-term abuse.
- Instagram and Tumblr have been heplful to me as well, in finding people who feel the same way. It's somewhat validating to see other people report their symptoms. I've been going through the hashtags for emotional abuse and dissociation.