Mistakes Were Made
I have been exhausted lately.
I say this after having had to place my head on a pillow to keep it from feeling like it would roll off of my neck. A while ago, I mentioned the fact that I was leaving a job that I was particularly unhappy with. Another position was lined up and I still have two jobs (along with the sewing and the writing). I have been rather happy with this new job. It is exceedingly low-key. However, my main job continues to rattle my nerves.
If I were to explain my job to you, it probably wouldn't sound all that stress-inducing. And it isn't. But what that job is coupled with is flocks of people every day, every hour. It's one of the busiest libraries I have ever worked at. Some days, I am bombarded with people, checking in, checking out, paying fines, asking for this book on hold, I want this, I want that, why isn't the wifi that fast, etc. Social anxiety, strangely, is the least of my worries at work.
What has been eating away at me lately though is the pent up anxiety. I come home and the only thing I want to do is zone out. Throwing social media into that mix is kind of like me trying to put out a fire with a bucket of alcohol. This happened recently, I snapped without thinking and I was a complete jerk to a stranger. It felt awful.
The problem is that anytime someone responds to me online, I get a surge of anxious feelings. Then, the flight or fight reaction takes over. For the past 7 years, flight has been the answer. Avoidance was my answer to everything. Everything. But this time, fight took over when there was nothing to fight. I even failed to follow my golden rule when it comes to online comments: no reply until 10 minutes have passed.
Had I waited those ten minutes, that surge of anxiety would have dwindled and I would have perceived the threat for what it was: nothing.
So what have I learned from this? To take more time definitely. If I act upon my anxiety, then there will be more anxiety, and more anxiety, and before I know it, I'll be chased down the mountain by an avalanche. I need to slow down on social media. Also! Be kind to other people. They've probably had a really long and difficult day too and you are only making their day worse, me.
That was a big concept that my therapist tried to impress upon me at all my meetings. Try to imagine all of your feelings and place them upon the other person you are speaking with. These things that you're afraid of, maybe they're afraid of it too. Who knows.
What's most important for me is to remember to wait.
I say this after having had to place my head on a pillow to keep it from feeling like it would roll off of my neck. A while ago, I mentioned the fact that I was leaving a job that I was particularly unhappy with. Another position was lined up and I still have two jobs (along with the sewing and the writing). I have been rather happy with this new job. It is exceedingly low-key. However, my main job continues to rattle my nerves.
If I were to explain my job to you, it probably wouldn't sound all that stress-inducing. And it isn't. But what that job is coupled with is flocks of people every day, every hour. It's one of the busiest libraries I have ever worked at. Some days, I am bombarded with people, checking in, checking out, paying fines, asking for this book on hold, I want this, I want that, why isn't the wifi that fast, etc. Social anxiety, strangely, is the least of my worries at work.
What has been eating away at me lately though is the pent up anxiety. I come home and the only thing I want to do is zone out. Throwing social media into that mix is kind of like me trying to put out a fire with a bucket of alcohol. This happened recently, I snapped without thinking and I was a complete jerk to a stranger. It felt awful.
The problem is that anytime someone responds to me online, I get a surge of anxious feelings. Then, the flight or fight reaction takes over. For the past 7 years, flight has been the answer. Avoidance was my answer to everything. Everything. But this time, fight took over when there was nothing to fight. I even failed to follow my golden rule when it comes to online comments: no reply until 10 minutes have passed.
Had I waited those ten minutes, that surge of anxiety would have dwindled and I would have perceived the threat for what it was: nothing.
So what have I learned from this? To take more time definitely. If I act upon my anxiety, then there will be more anxiety, and more anxiety, and before I know it, I'll be chased down the mountain by an avalanche. I need to slow down on social media. Also! Be kind to other people. They've probably had a really long and difficult day too and you are only making their day worse, me.
That was a big concept that my therapist tried to impress upon me at all my meetings. Try to imagine all of your feelings and place them upon the other person you are speaking with. These things that you're afraid of, maybe they're afraid of it too. Who knows.
What's most important for me is to remember to wait.