Neon Genesis Evangelion Episode 24
. . . hissing fauna, are you the destroyer?
I was fully intending to go through with the final three episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion. But something was stopping me. Was it that same odd, strange feeling I had when I watched episode 24 the first time around and decided not to watch all of NGE more than ten years ago? In hindsight, I realize I must have been crazy. I intended to start off a series with the end, but the copies of NGE were always sparse on my local video rental store's shelves. There was something that made me feel very uncomfortable about episode 24. And while I told myself that I was above being affected by this strange encounter, the emotions came later as I was preparing for sleep and realized I couldn't abate that feeling of emptiness. So, rather than blaze through the last three episodes, I figured I'd have to take on episode 24 mano-a-mano. Or mano-a-angelo as it may be.
If there is anything insidious about the feelings that these social anxieties and avoidance issues create, it is the ability to fantasize. Long, drawn-out fantasies about that one person who will save you from your loneliness, which sits upon your lungs with a physical presence and aches. You may share only a single sentence with another human being, but you've already concocted the friendship that will bloom from this encounter, the wonderful relationship that you two will have. How finally, you have found that person who will give you a feeling of completion. I'm at an age now where I know these are all mere delusions. And it's with a rather bittersweet knowledge that I cast them aside while still harboring them. How cruel it is for Shinji then that this need for contact would take on a physical manifestation.
As Asuka is no use to NERV anymore, the fifth child is brought over to pilot EVA unit 02. This would be Kaworu Nagisa, who introduces himself to Shinji personally. When Shinji questions why Kaworu already knows his name, Kaworu's response is, "Everyone knows your name." Of course, Shinji is not versed in stranger-danger protocol and doesn't know that you should never trust someone who knows your name before you've said it. But Shinji is at his loneliest - Toji and Kensuke have been moved away, Asuka is unreachable (and even Shinji admits that they would have nothing to talk about), and having to face Rei after that last incident is too uncomfortable for him. How convenient it is then that the fifth child magically shows up. How convenient that the fifth child then worms his way into Shinji's heart.
Kaworu's demeanor immediately clues one in to his strangeness, though. There's an immediate feeling that his existence will be short-lived, at best. For you see, Kaworu has a bit of the Zack Fair syndrome going on, appearing in only one episode and yet winning the hearts of many viewers. This is due to his conflicted existence - an Angel wearing the disguise of a human being. Or the "shell" of a human being, if we want to get all Demian about it. What is truly crushing about this doomed friendship is the knowledge that Kaworu loves Shinji too.
When Shinji thought that Rei had died, Misato attempted to comfort him by touching his hand. Shinji rejected this before she could even touch him. However, when Kaworu touches Shinji, he allows it to happen, though Kaworu does note his hesitance. One has to wonder, if you're so lonely, why would you want to cast off affection? Wouldn't you want people to touch you? Wouldn't that appease those worthless feelings? No. Touch doesn't solve loneliness. If anything, it makes it worse. Suddenly, those feelings that you have kept deep inside yourself, that you have deemed unutterable, are physically present with the gaze of another on you. Thoughts at least come and go. Touch has a lingering effect. Your body reacts despite your intentions. And your body is reminded of touch - nerve memory? - at the worst possible moments.
Touch also gives you the insinuation that something means more than it actually does. Perhaps because it appeals to the more instinctual side of the human mind, copulation. Or perhaps because touch is the inexpressible.
Kaworu is perpetually aware of Shinji and says, "If you don't get close to others, you won't be betrayed, and you won't hurt each other. However, neither will you forget what loneliness is," following up later with, ". . . but man can forget." This is an echo of Gendo's words to Shinji at Yui's grave, that man survives by forgetting, even though there are some things that shouldn't be forgotten. There is a certain amount of choice that Gendo's words imply, which is lacking in Kaworu's. This is also an echo of Misato and Ritsuko's conversation about Shinji's avoidance tactics in social situations, the hedgehog's dilemma. Social anxiety is a cycle that begets itself. A self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. If you can't stand yourself in the midst of others and keep yourself from forming relationships, you will psychologically feel safe in whatever make-shift womb you've entrapped yourself in. However, this safety comes with conditions. Loneliness will take over and you will feel perpetually outside of the crowd, wanting desperately to edge your way in all while feeling as though stepping forward is stepping into death.
Kaworu's words bring up another interesting point, though. If man can forget, and Kaworu isn't included in "man" being an Angel, does that mean he can't forget? And if Rei and Kaworu are "the same", as he says, does that mean she can't forget either? Rei is essentially a perpetual reminder of the past to Gendo, and her appearance reminds Shinji of his mother. But are these traits she exhibits voluntarily or is she merely a vessel for their memories?
Kaworu is quite the efficient little Angel. Not only does he get plenty of existential monologues in, he also gets more work done in one episode than NERV does in three. Why is it that Kaworu is capable of synchronizing with an EVA he's never used before, Misato wonders. Because the EVA are made of the same substance Kaworu is, and he can manipulate the numbers to whatever he likes. But if Kaworu were an Angel truly for the cause, why doesn't he simply head immediately to Adam and end it all? Why does he wait? Why does he take EVA unit 02 with him? The answer is apparent: so Shinji can stop him.
For all this time that Shinji was searching for salvation through a connection, did he not notice that Kaworu was seeking salvation through him? To shed the human shell. If there is one fictional character that Kaworu seems to share many similarities with, it is with Hermann Hesse's Max Demian, who leads his schoolmate Emil Sinclair to self-realization. In Gnosticism, it was believed that Jesus Christ was a high spiritual being entrapped in a human shell of a body and that death freed him of his restraints. The body holds the being back from awakening. We have seen Shinji shed the human body more than once in order to understand the inner depths of his mind but he has not yet been enlightened. Kaworu works in order to awaken Shinji's self, though not through violence as Gendo has attempted. Kaworu's work is through that which is more painful than violence: love.
Shinji responds to love. For his fellow man, as even when he doesn't know who the pilot of EVA unit 03 is, he still refuses to fight it. When he is deep within the consciousness of EVA unit 01, he begs, "Please be nice to me!" It is this aspect of Shinji that Kaworu is appealing to when he asks to be killed.
Shinji however is not very happy with this deal and likens Kaworu to Gendo. He's wrong - Kaworu is actually far more like Shinji than he realizes. One could say that Kaworu is the Angel equivalent of Shinji. As little time as Kaworu has on screen, there's so much put into his mannerisms and his words that implies otherwise. It's fairly apparent that Kaworu doesn't believe in what the other Angels are doing - why else would he ask to be killed before he can finish the job? Shinji doesn't believe in NERV, because believing in NERV would mean that he has to believe in his father, Gendo, the man who is the source of suffering for him. They both exist for a cause they don't believe in.
In leading Shinji to Adam, Kaworu takes him deep down into NERV, not unlike leading one down into Hell or the inner depths of the mind as we like to personify it. And, notice, Kaworu is thoughtful: he ensures that EVA unit 01 must fight 02 and destroy it, to save Asuka from more suffering - for Asuka, being a pilot is her one salvation in life and it is taken away from her. There is that burden of living that has to be considered. For Kaworu, the burden of living is something he understands fully. He knows his existence as an Angel means the suffering of human beings. Shinji is incapable of accepting that his existence must cause others suffering as well. A part of me thinks that one of the reasons Gendo keeps Shinji so far away from him is because he is a reminder of Yui - but then, why would he create a clone of Yui? Even that which Shinji is unaware of, when he succeeds at being an EVA pilot, does he not see that it causes Asuka suffering?
One cannot live without suffering. Kaworu does what is best for Shinji, even knowing full well that this action will also cause suffering.
Shinji's final thoughts on this encounter were difficult for me to watch, if only because these are thoughts I've said to myself. In particular, "He was much better than I am," tapped a nerve I thought had dulled. I understand now why I couldn't continue watching NGE after this episode, because it made me thoroughly uncomfortable, to accept the fact that you may place all of your love in one person, and they may place all of their love in you, and you'll still lose them. If not to misunderstandings or break-ups, then to death. This was knowledge I couldn't accept at seventeen and now it's a very harsh reminder.
And god, it's such a dramatic moment, with Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 in the background and the massive hand of the EVA unit holding a tiny being. The pause is excruciating. You know what's going to happen. You know what has to happen.
The world is a cruel place. But you can't run away, for if you forgo living, there's nothing left for you. You have to try and make connections. You have to try and exist. It's painful, it's disheartening, and it may make you want to hide in a corner for all of eternity. But you have to. You have to exist.