Soleil all over you, warm sun
Today was surreal.
After we got back from the doctors and made mugs of tea and brought them along with the box of shortbread bites into the back room, my Ma and I sat down, her with a clipboard and she wrote down questions as she asked me them.
It was good in the sense that I realised a lot of truths about myself but I hated the doing of it.
I don't think I've ever talked about myself like that, especially not to my Mama.
I don't think I looked at her once.
I cried a lot but then again I always do.
She pulled me onto her lap and wanted me to tell her what I thought my good points were and I just couldn't do it, I physically could not and did not want to do it.
I'm not altogether sure why that was, it's not like I don't think there are any, I know there are.
So instead, she listed some of them whilst I made her shoulder wet.
We talked a lot about control which I am now talking to Jack about.
I also realised that I have no one I can really, truly rely on or trust, least of all myself.
Which is scary.
I really, really need someone who knows me and who I can feel like I can tell everything and anything to and they will always, always care and take the burden and have time for me and listen 100% the way I do with nearly everyone I love, instead of just waiting for the next possible chance to turn the conversation back onto themselves.
But I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe I just haven't tested the waters enough to be able to say that, not given people the chance to listen or help me, never persevered enough with it.
It's always easier to lay the blanket of blame over people's faces.
It's a way of hiding my own.
I can't carry on being the way I am, choosing to deal with everything by myself.
It's because I always figure that I know me best and I know whatever the situation is the best so therefore I am the best equipped to deal with it so why bother involving other people when they have their own shit to deal with?
I spend most of my time concerning myself with other people's problems and being there for them all the time which I consider to be one of my good points but I can't carry on putting myself on the back burner, it's giving me a fever I'm finding hard to sweat out.
The responsibility of change and dealing with things will always be mine but I need to learn to share the burden and drain away some of the sewage that swills round my head and clouds my vision.
There are gonna be some changes with me.
There have to be.
x x x
After we got back from the doctors and made mugs of tea and brought them along with the box of shortbread bites into the back room, my Ma and I sat down, her with a clipboard and she wrote down questions as she asked me them.
It was good in the sense that I realised a lot of truths about myself but I hated the doing of it.
I don't think I've ever talked about myself like that, especially not to my Mama.
I don't think I looked at her once.
I cried a lot but then again I always do.
She pulled me onto her lap and wanted me to tell her what I thought my good points were and I just couldn't do it, I physically could not and did not want to do it.
I'm not altogether sure why that was, it's not like I don't think there are any, I know there are.
So instead, she listed some of them whilst I made her shoulder wet.
We talked a lot about control which I am now talking to Jack about.
I also realised that I have no one I can really, truly rely on or trust, least of all myself.
Which is scary.
I really, really need someone who knows me and who I can feel like I can tell everything and anything to and they will always, always care and take the burden and have time for me and listen 100% the way I do with nearly everyone I love, instead of just waiting for the next possible chance to turn the conversation back onto themselves.
But I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe I just haven't tested the waters enough to be able to say that, not given people the chance to listen or help me, never persevered enough with it.
It's always easier to lay the blanket of blame over people's faces.
It's a way of hiding my own.
I can't carry on being the way I am, choosing to deal with everything by myself.
It's because I always figure that I know me best and I know whatever the situation is the best so therefore I am the best equipped to deal with it so why bother involving other people when they have their own shit to deal with?
I spend most of my time concerning myself with other people's problems and being there for them all the time which I consider to be one of my good points but I can't carry on putting myself on the back burner, it's giving me a fever I'm finding hard to sweat out.
The responsibility of change and dealing with things will always be mine but I need to learn to share the burden and drain away some of the sewage that swills round my head and clouds my vision.
There are gonna be some changes with me.
There have to be.
x x x