"I'm Breaking Down"
appropriately, that is the title of the third song of my senior recital. my jury is this afternoon and i'm a little bit freaking out about it.
this perfectionist side of my personality is a real pain in my ass. the fact that all of my pieces are not 100% recital ready is both frustrating and depressing. why why WHY do i always feel the need to prove that i belong in this field?!? if this jury isn't my best, does it mean i suck as a performer? no, it doesn't. but, even as i tell myself that, i don't completely buy it. if i can't get ready for what is arguably the most important performance of my college career, how will it be when i am doing this as my job?
speaking of which, will someone..ANYONE(!!) hire me?? or at least contact me in some way? if you tell me you're interested in me.....guess what? i believe you. and when you tell me to email you because you are interested...and then i do....and you don't reply....i get really freaked out. WHAT AM I DOING IN MAY?
AHHHHHH.
in the meantime, i'm caught in this infuriating vicious cycle. and it goes a little something like this:
1. i realize how much shit i have to do before may. (also realize i have NOTHING to do AFTER may)
2. i get so freaked out i can't sleep
3. i don't sleep, so my voice is SHIT.
4. my voice is SHIT, so i get even more stressed.
5. still can't sleep....voice getting worse....stress eating me alive.
6. rinse and repeat.
seriously, this entry wasn't meant to be a bitch-fest, but if i can't get these emotions out somewhere, i might punch somebody in the face. and since i see most of you on a daily basis, be glad i'm writing it...cause the person i might have punched could have been you.
i'm thinking: does every college senior with an impending graduation go through this? and if so, how is the university system still thriving?
okay....deep breaths. going to camp out in noelle's office this afternoon.....which probably means an even bigger breakdown is on the horizon. but the stress will (temporarily) be relieved come 5:30ish. at least i hope so.
...thank for listening.
this perfectionist side of my personality is a real pain in my ass. the fact that all of my pieces are not 100% recital ready is both frustrating and depressing. why why WHY do i always feel the need to prove that i belong in this field?!? if this jury isn't my best, does it mean i suck as a performer? no, it doesn't. but, even as i tell myself that, i don't completely buy it. if i can't get ready for what is arguably the most important performance of my college career, how will it be when i am doing this as my job?
speaking of which, will someone..ANYONE(!!) hire me?? or at least contact me in some way? if you tell me you're interested in me.....guess what? i believe you. and when you tell me to email you because you are interested...and then i do....and you don't reply....i get really freaked out. WHAT AM I DOING IN MAY?
AHHHHHH.
in the meantime, i'm caught in this infuriating vicious cycle. and it goes a little something like this:
1. i realize how much shit i have to do before may. (also realize i have NOTHING to do AFTER may)
2. i get so freaked out i can't sleep
3. i don't sleep, so my voice is SHIT.
4. my voice is SHIT, so i get even more stressed.
5. still can't sleep....voice getting worse....stress eating me alive.
6. rinse and repeat.
seriously, this entry wasn't meant to be a bitch-fest, but if i can't get these emotions out somewhere, i might punch somebody in the face. and since i see most of you on a daily basis, be glad i'm writing it...cause the person i might have punched could have been you.
i'm thinking: does every college senior with an impending graduation go through this? and if so, how is the university system still thriving?
okay....deep breaths. going to camp out in noelle's office this afternoon.....which probably means an even bigger breakdown is on the horizon. but the stress will (temporarily) be relieved come 5:30ish. at least i hope so.
...thank for listening.