DEAR SPECIFIC PERSONS IN MY EXTENDED FAMILY,
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW I'M FEELING. YOU'VE NEVER UNDERSTOOD AND YOU ARE IDIOTIC TO ASSUME THAT ALL OF A SUDDEN I WILL GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS ABOUT HOW I TAKE CARE OF AND DEAL WITH MY MOTHER. IF YOU START TREATING HER AS THOUGH SHE WILL BREAK AT ANY MOMENT SHE IS GOING TO FALL INTO A "NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO GET BETTER" MODE AND EVEN IF SHE IS DYING, IF YOU TREAT HER AS THOUGH YOU'VE GIVEN UP, SHE WILL GIVE UP TO AND YOU CANNOT FUCKING DO THAT.
I STAY AS LONG AS I FUCKING CAN BY HER SIDE AND SOMETIMES I NEED TO A GODDAMN BREAK. I NEED TO GO BACK TO THE HOTEL AND RECUPERATE. JUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT BEING HORRIBLE BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND NEVER GIVING A FUCK ABOUT HOW SHE'S DOING AND NEVER CHECKING UP ON HER DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO DRAG ME ALONG FOR THE RIDE. DEAL WITH YOUR GUILT WITHOUT TRYING TO PUSH IT ON ME. I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TAKEN CARE OF HER AND I AM THE ONE THAT WILL MISS HER THE MOST BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN MY ROCK. YOU MAY BE HER SISTER AND HER BROTHERS BUT DON'T EVEN FUCKING PRETEND THAT YOU HAVE BEEN HERE WHEN SHE NEEDS YOU. YOU HAVEN'T, NOT FOR DECADES.
DO YOU KNOW THAT SHE'D CRY TO ME ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS LIKE THE BLACK SHEEP OF THE FAMILY? THAT YOU GUYS NEVER CARED ABOUT HER? HOW YOU THREE WOULD EXCLUDE HER FROM EVERYTHING THAT YOU GUYS DID? YEAH, SHE DID, AND I HAD TO FUCKING REASSURE HER THAT YOU GUYS CARE FOR HER.
AND WHEN I SAY I NEED TO LEAVE (I'VE BEEN HER FOR SIX GODDAMN HOURS) I AM NOT DOING IT FOR MY SAKE ONLY. IF I AM EXHAUSTED EMOTIONALLY I AM NOT STABLE. AND IF I AM NOT STABLE I AM LIABLE TO FREAK THE FUCK OUT AND I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY FOR ANOTHER GODDAMN TRIP TO THE PSYCH WARD. IT DOESN'T HELP MOM TO SEE ME IN THIS MOOD AND THATS WHY I WANT TO LEAVE.
AND DON'T YOU EVER.
EVER.
EVER.
TRY TO GUILT ME INTO STAYING.
AND DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING INSINUATE THAT I DON'T CARE BECAUSE I WANT TO LEAVE. FUCK. YOU.
AND YOU WONDER WHY I'VE NEVER TRUSTED ANY OF YOU WITH HOW I FEEL. YOU ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THINGS:
"WHAT ABOUT MOM?" "YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH THINGS BETTER." "HAVING PANIC ATTACKS IS NOT THE WAY TO DEAL WITH THESE THINGS." "PUT ON A BRAVE FACE."
REALLY? YOU WANT TO JUDGE ME? YOU WANT TO PLAY THIS GAME, YOU IGNORANT PILES OF SHIT? I WILL FUCKING VERBALLY SMACK YOU INTO THE DIRT AND USE EVERY THING YOU'VE EVER DONE WRONG AGAINST YOU. I DON'T WANT TO BUT I WILL TELL YOU HOW I FEEL, I WILL TELL YOU YOU'VE BEEN HORRIBLE SIBLINGS, AND I WILL MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE DOG SHIT FOR ALL YOU'VE EVER SAID AND DONE.
NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH. YOU DON'T KNOW AND YOU NEVER WILL.
AND I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, BELIEVE IT OR NOT. I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THINGS AND I KNOW WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH. YOU'RE PUSHING ME TO THE BRINK AND SOONER OR LATER YOU'LL PUSH ME TOO FAR AND YOU'LL SEE HOW GODDAMN ANGRY I CAN REALLY GET. YOU THINK ME JUST FUCKING GLARING IS RUDE? YEAH, WHEN I'M SCREAMING AT YOU AND TOSSING SHIT AROUND THAT'LL SEEM LIKE NOTHING. JUST ASK GRAMA; SHE PUSHED AND PUSHED AND PUSHED UNTIL I SNAPPED AND IT WASN'T PRETTY.
VERY RAGEY POST. VERY FUCKING RAGEY BUT RIGHT NOW I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE TRYING TO GUILT ME WHEN I ALREADY FEEL LIKE FUCKING SHIT FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO SAVE HER OR HELP HER IN ANY WAY. AND I'VE FELT THAT WAY FOR YEARS.
I'VE BEEN WATCHING MY MOM DIE SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY FOR YEARS. WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU GUYS?
I STAY AS LONG AS I FUCKING CAN BY HER SIDE AND SOMETIMES I NEED TO A GODDAMN BREAK. I NEED TO GO BACK TO THE HOTEL AND RECUPERATE. JUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT BEING HORRIBLE BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND NEVER GIVING A FUCK ABOUT HOW SHE'S DOING AND NEVER CHECKING UP ON HER DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO DRAG ME ALONG FOR THE RIDE. DEAL WITH YOUR GUILT WITHOUT TRYING TO PUSH IT ON ME. I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TAKEN CARE OF HER AND I AM THE ONE THAT WILL MISS HER THE MOST BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN MY ROCK. YOU MAY BE HER SISTER AND HER BROTHERS BUT DON'T EVEN FUCKING PRETEND THAT YOU HAVE BEEN HERE WHEN SHE NEEDS YOU. YOU HAVEN'T, NOT FOR DECADES.
DO YOU KNOW THAT SHE'D CRY TO ME ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS LIKE THE BLACK SHEEP OF THE FAMILY? THAT YOU GUYS NEVER CARED ABOUT HER? HOW YOU THREE WOULD EXCLUDE HER FROM EVERYTHING THAT YOU GUYS DID? YEAH, SHE DID, AND I HAD TO FUCKING REASSURE HER THAT YOU GUYS CARE FOR HER.
AND WHEN I SAY I NEED TO LEAVE (I'VE BEEN HER FOR SIX GODDAMN HOURS) I AM NOT DOING IT FOR MY SAKE ONLY. IF I AM EXHAUSTED EMOTIONALLY I AM NOT STABLE. AND IF I AM NOT STABLE I AM LIABLE TO FREAK THE FUCK OUT AND I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY FOR ANOTHER GODDAMN TRIP TO THE PSYCH WARD. IT DOESN'T HELP MOM TO SEE ME IN THIS MOOD AND THATS WHY I WANT TO LEAVE.
AND DON'T YOU EVER.
EVER.
EVER.
TRY TO GUILT ME INTO STAYING.
AND DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING INSINUATE THAT I DON'T CARE BECAUSE I WANT TO LEAVE. FUCK. YOU.
AND YOU WONDER WHY I'VE NEVER TRUSTED ANY OF YOU WITH HOW I FEEL. YOU ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THINGS:
"WHAT ABOUT MOM?" "YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH THINGS BETTER." "HAVING PANIC ATTACKS IS NOT THE WAY TO DEAL WITH THESE THINGS." "PUT ON A BRAVE FACE."
REALLY? YOU WANT TO JUDGE ME? YOU WANT TO PLAY THIS GAME, YOU IGNORANT PILES OF SHIT? I WILL FUCKING VERBALLY SMACK YOU INTO THE DIRT AND USE EVERY THING YOU'VE EVER DONE WRONG AGAINST YOU. I DON'T WANT TO BUT I WILL TELL YOU HOW I FEEL, I WILL TELL YOU YOU'VE BEEN HORRIBLE SIBLINGS, AND I WILL MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE DOG SHIT FOR ALL YOU'VE EVER SAID AND DONE.
NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH. YOU DON'T KNOW AND YOU NEVER WILL.
AND I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, BELIEVE IT OR NOT. I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THINGS AND I KNOW WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH. YOU'RE PUSHING ME TO THE BRINK AND SOONER OR LATER YOU'LL PUSH ME TOO FAR AND YOU'LL SEE HOW GODDAMN ANGRY I CAN REALLY GET. YOU THINK ME JUST FUCKING GLARING IS RUDE? YEAH, WHEN I'M SCREAMING AT YOU AND TOSSING SHIT AROUND THAT'LL SEEM LIKE NOTHING. JUST ASK GRAMA; SHE PUSHED AND PUSHED AND PUSHED UNTIL I SNAPPED AND IT WASN'T PRETTY.
VERY RAGEY POST. VERY FUCKING RAGEY BUT RIGHT NOW I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE TRYING TO GUILT ME WHEN I ALREADY FEEL LIKE FUCKING SHIT FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO SAVE HER OR HELP HER IN ANY WAY. AND I'VE FELT THAT WAY FOR YEARS.
I'VE BEEN WATCHING MY MOM DIE SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY FOR YEARS. WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU GUYS?