In a Tizzy
JESUS--I am just in a brain swirl moment. All my various thoughts and threads of thoughts are in some sort of blender part of my brain. I don't know why I'm finding it hard to keep it straight. Despite that, I have managed to get all my work done--INS cases, letters of all sorts, I'm super productive girl.
I think the tizzy is from the social part of my life. I'm trying to sqaure myself away for a camp-out weekend--I got tickets to FnF and had to do a number of last minute weekend cancellations with friends I had tentative plans with, while also trying to steel myself emotionally. I feel sort of cast adrift, disconnected from people around me, insecure--like all my relationships have suddenly been revealed as fairly superficial and it's not a nice feeling. So what am I doing? Classic girl move--trolling for sex.
Well, not exactly trolling, but I've been networking the boys--caught up with dj guy who will be at FnF, but also didn't seem so keen to see me there (?), but we had a good conversation--I don't know. grr. There is something about this man that both fascinates and repels, reassures and discomposes, all at once. I can't tell if he likes me as a person even, but we have good conversations that seem pregnant with something--I have no idea. grrr. And, I can't figure out why this is imporant to me--he makes me feel excited and insecure, but I don't get that mutual something vibe. But then I do? grr.
Anyway, the waiter was more straight forward. We traded flirty voice mails back and forth and we may talk after he gets off work. He called me on Wednesday and we talked for an hour. I think he's trying really hard, and that's a nice change. I was just myself, totally honest ans sounding like some sort of crazy person because honest doesn't always mean consistent and even. But, he seemed charmed enough to want to see me. He's got some strange ideas about what Indian women are like and I keep shocking him, for no good reason it seems to me.
But, despite the boys in que, the potential for much flirting, greeting and meeting at FnF, there is no spark, no connection to speak of. Maybe it's me? When I met J, shit, there was something--even that first date when I was totally sober, I felt this electricity between us with this simulateous sense of comfort, like I just KNEW him. I'm not sure if it was totaly mutual (perhaps not), but I'd never felt it before, and I wonder if I'll feel it again.
Last night J and I talked because I was so heartbroken over Mo, and, I felt like maybe that spark was fading between us. Like, maybe, we were getting closer to being OK with being broken up. I don't know, I was pretty raw last night and probably still am. This could be a strange weekend. I keep wondering if I'm beautiful which sort of makes no difference one way or another. Like I said, brain blender.
I think the tizzy is from the social part of my life. I'm trying to sqaure myself away for a camp-out weekend--I got tickets to FnF and had to do a number of last minute weekend cancellations with friends I had tentative plans with, while also trying to steel myself emotionally. I feel sort of cast adrift, disconnected from people around me, insecure--like all my relationships have suddenly been revealed as fairly superficial and it's not a nice feeling. So what am I doing? Classic girl move--trolling for sex.
Well, not exactly trolling, but I've been networking the boys--caught up with dj guy who will be at FnF, but also didn't seem so keen to see me there (?), but we had a good conversation--I don't know. grr. There is something about this man that both fascinates and repels, reassures and discomposes, all at once. I can't tell if he likes me as a person even, but we have good conversations that seem pregnant with something--I have no idea. grrr. And, I can't figure out why this is imporant to me--he makes me feel excited and insecure, but I don't get that mutual something vibe. But then I do? grr.
Anyway, the waiter was more straight forward. We traded flirty voice mails back and forth and we may talk after he gets off work. He called me on Wednesday and we talked for an hour. I think he's trying really hard, and that's a nice change. I was just myself, totally honest ans sounding like some sort of crazy person because honest doesn't always mean consistent and even. But, he seemed charmed enough to want to see me. He's got some strange ideas about what Indian women are like and I keep shocking him, for no good reason it seems to me.
But, despite the boys in que, the potential for much flirting, greeting and meeting at FnF, there is no spark, no connection to speak of. Maybe it's me? When I met J, shit, there was something--even that first date when I was totally sober, I felt this electricity between us with this simulateous sense of comfort, like I just KNEW him. I'm not sure if it was totaly mutual (perhaps not), but I'd never felt it before, and I wonder if I'll feel it again.
Last night J and I talked because I was so heartbroken over Mo, and, I felt like maybe that spark was fading between us. Like, maybe, we were getting closer to being OK with being broken up. I don't know, I was pretty raw last night and probably still am. This could be a strange weekend. I keep wondering if I'm beautiful which sort of makes no difference one way or another. Like I said, brain blender.