When to deal with the inevitable.
So I guess. I dunno, i dont write in this as much as I should. I keep forgetting to, or putting it off. Or realizing that the stuff that i want to write I dont really want to shrare with the rest of the world. I do hold alot of cards close to my chest at times. It's hindering my life, in a way that's very real, and very visceral. I need to be more open, more honest, with myself, my feelings, my wants and my needs. I posted something to facebook last night. A story, about a dream that I have quite often. It was about "him" heretoafter known as Matt. He's the "him" and the "ex" or also known as "he" I've never really cared for anyone so much in my life. Which at the age of 31 going on 32 I guess is something of an anomoly.
Yet... we broke up, and still... we talk daily, we sleep together, we... I have... we have... I would like to think, this... these feelings, they go both ways. I could go on forever about "what I think he feelings" or "what I think he thinks" but really, what is the point of all that. Sometimes I'm too fearful to ask him how he feels. I think sometimes he's afraid of the emotions that I have made him feel. That... what happened more than a year ago, scares him. That he doesn't want that to happen. That he knows I can ellicit those feelings of anger from him.... He doesn't want to feel that ever again. That side of me hopes that's why he's so distant at times... because he's scared of the powerful feelings we have had in the past. Feelings that made things... difficult, and dangerous, physically and mentally for us both. I hope... someday we can both recognize that the good and bad is worth it, tempered. Anyway... enough delving into that side of things.
It's so much more complicated than that, I dont really even know where to begin. But... suffice to say, I made this post on facebook last night, as an attempt to show him that I can't change the way I feel, even in my dreams I think of him. I hope that not all is lost because of our poast. That someday I will be able to freely share with him how much I truly love him, how much I feel his presence even when I'm not around him.
He brought so much emotion to my life with just a breakfast sandwhich. It's so ridiculous. But I recall the day, he handed me a lunch-bag... with a bacon egg and cheese on an english muffin, a turkey roll up for lunch, a granola bar.. an apple, some chips.... I packed it away and started driving to work, in Boston 63 miles away. Much to my surprise my sense of smell kicked in as I was driving and something strange hit me. I realized that he had put so much love into that sandwhich. That I had never in my life felt so cared for, so loved, or so wanted in my entire life. That in 30 years of living on this planet this was the singular and only moment in my life I felt as if someone honestly and truly cared about me. Such a simple gesture. I started crying. A grown fucking man. I started crying. Why?
A Simple Gesture.
Yet so Powerful.
It changed my life.
Yet here we are, years later, and I feel I wasted that opportunity, to reciprocate those feelings. I've never been that good at it. really, sharing feeligns. I've never been good at Acknowleding them, sharing them, or even allowing myself to feel them. I shut them down in order to not be distracted.
But I need to be distracted.
Life without feeling, without emotion, or love. that's not worth living.
I think that's enough for one journal entry. This is good, I've needed to just say shit, to just get it out, so even if no one reads this, even if this is just typing into the ether. At least i'm being honest with myself. About my feelings, my thoughts...
I will write more. Stay Tuned Universe, this little human on this little spec of dirt in the vastness of space has something to say. And damn you to hell if you don't listen to what I have to tell you.
Yet... we broke up, and still... we talk daily, we sleep together, we... I have... we have... I would like to think, this... these feelings, they go both ways. I could go on forever about "what I think he feelings" or "what I think he thinks" but really, what is the point of all that. Sometimes I'm too fearful to ask him how he feels. I think sometimes he's afraid of the emotions that I have made him feel. That... what happened more than a year ago, scares him. That he doesn't want that to happen. That he knows I can ellicit those feelings of anger from him.... He doesn't want to feel that ever again. That side of me hopes that's why he's so distant at times... because he's scared of the powerful feelings we have had in the past. Feelings that made things... difficult, and dangerous, physically and mentally for us both. I hope... someday we can both recognize that the good and bad is worth it, tempered. Anyway... enough delving into that side of things.
It's so much more complicated than that, I dont really even know where to begin. But... suffice to say, I made this post on facebook last night, as an attempt to show him that I can't change the way I feel, even in my dreams I think of him. I hope that not all is lost because of our poast. That someday I will be able to freely share with him how much I truly love him, how much I feel his presence even when I'm not around him.
He brought so much emotion to my life with just a breakfast sandwhich. It's so ridiculous. But I recall the day, he handed me a lunch-bag... with a bacon egg and cheese on an english muffin, a turkey roll up for lunch, a granola bar.. an apple, some chips.... I packed it away and started driving to work, in Boston 63 miles away. Much to my surprise my sense of smell kicked in as I was driving and something strange hit me. I realized that he had put so much love into that sandwhich. That I had never in my life felt so cared for, so loved, or so wanted in my entire life. That in 30 years of living on this planet this was the singular and only moment in my life I felt as if someone honestly and truly cared about me. Such a simple gesture. I started crying. A grown fucking man. I started crying. Why?
A Simple Gesture.
Yet so Powerful.
It changed my life.
Yet here we are, years later, and I feel I wasted that opportunity, to reciprocate those feelings. I've never been that good at it. really, sharing feeligns. I've never been good at Acknowleding them, sharing them, or even allowing myself to feel them. I shut them down in order to not be distracted.
But I need to be distracted.
Life without feeling, without emotion, or love. that's not worth living.
I think that's enough for one journal entry. This is good, I've needed to just say shit, to just get it out, so even if no one reads this, even if this is just typing into the ether. At least i'm being honest with myself. About my feelings, my thoughts...
I will write more. Stay Tuned Universe, this little human on this little spec of dirt in the vastness of space has something to say. And damn you to hell if you don't listen to what I have to tell you.