Dominicanocnoxisphobia?
Hmm... that doesn't sound right at all. I've got this fear that sets in on Sunday Night. It really is the last day of the week for me, before the cycle starts new again. I think I've been getting this fear-of-sunday-night for much of my life. I certainly remember it as a kid, and I definitely recognize it now. It used to not exist. When I was in college (at my 4th school - the one that fit me), I didn't have this problem.
I've pretty much got it down that whatever the problem is, there's definitely something coming up the next day that I don't want to face. I certainly don't jump at the idea of going to work and do more... whatever it is I do (I still can't exactly describe it). What I can't figure out is this: is this fearful doom-dread thing a reaction to not wanting to face this issue, or is it something more root than that?
Naturally, I don't want to go to work. Who does? I don't want to go to bed, wake up early, get ready, try not to smell too bad, and pop into my cube-corner and be in a good mood else risk being the office asshat. That pretty much describes life for most people I know. I certainly never intended to stay there long, and incredible fortune delivered itself to the wrong house and I've been given my escape.
I wonder if I'll have dominicanocnoxisphobia when I start going to Duke? I'm not afraid of not doing well, I'm afraid of not loving it the way I imagine (and hope) to. It certainly seems ideal, and it's gonna be a hell of a lot of work. I hope I can shift my obsessive traits on it like I have on other things I adore.
Nonetheless, is there something deeper than simply not wanting to go to work? What if it's a change-thing that I'm after? When I was free from this problem, things changed rapidly: my schedule was always stuffed with classes, each with their own details. The commutes there and back were complicated and long. I also only spent about 30 hours a week concentrating on that stuff. I'm trying to figure out how much chaos I prefer. It seems that I thrive in somewhat chaotic situations better than organized ones; I certainly prefer moments of great change and destabilization to tranquility. Is it because I know that tomorrow, for at least the first 8 hours of it, I'm going to be locked into the same repetitive cycle? Is that what my emotions are so fervent about fearing come sunday night at something-o'clock-in-the-morning?
Why so late at night? The real point of this is to determine what it is that happens so late at night that opens the gate for this kind of thought. I have to be in solitude, I have to be in a meditative state (aka: not watching tv or eating - though bathroom activities are exempt), and I have to be in front of a computer to get everything down. I'll be up and down 3-4 times in a Sunday night jotting notes and keeping track of thoughts for my various, if not scattered, obsessions.
I wonder if the attention I give to environmental stimuli throughout the day are the culprits of this fear. Perhaps late on sunday nights are the only times when I'm guaranteed solitude, and therefore whatever energies focused on social stuff is diffused, and goes toward working on some of those background problems, churning away in hopes of that Eureka effect. Aigh, no matter how much I try to understanding my psyche, this part of it gets me every time.
I am a somewhat confident believer that everything that reaches your executive consciousness is there because your automatic processes need you to take decisive action to accomplish some goal that's set. This goal can be very simple and recently acquired to something that you got stuck with because "mom never looked" or some crap. Who knows. Regardless, I can't figure out what that goal might be. Either A) this 'goal' concept is off, or B) my goal has yet to surface, if that's possible. Either way, why does it choose to deprive me of sleep, or is it my lack of regulated sleep what's causing this problem?
Rain's certainly got it nailed. If I gripe about this problem, she says "GET DRUNK." So I've finished a beer and am summoning my lightweight powers to follow that order --side note: get margarita stuff--.
I think it's all part of the same problem that the art-fags and tragic gothics and whiney people endure. Much of the time, I try to dismiss that kind of self-promotion as forced-naivity and rejection of a complicated world, instead preferring to stake out something new. I really hope that whatever I still seem to be after isn't some sort of inability to face some aspect of the world. I'm not sure if I dislike that notion because it indicates 'weakness' ::puffs up chest:: or simply because, well, it's so simple ::puffs up ego::
I don't want Sunday nights when we move, I hate them. It's the one thing that gets between me and that feeling of harmony in life... I've certainly been given everything else I ever wanted. Can't exactly put my finger on what else is out there that I'm after. Whatever it is, it's certainly got my attention.
Any other Dominicanocnoxisphobes out there?
I've pretty much got it down that whatever the problem is, there's definitely something coming up the next day that I don't want to face. I certainly don't jump at the idea of going to work and do more... whatever it is I do (I still can't exactly describe it). What I can't figure out is this: is this fearful doom-dread thing a reaction to not wanting to face this issue, or is it something more root than that?
Naturally, I don't want to go to work. Who does? I don't want to go to bed, wake up early, get ready, try not to smell too bad, and pop into my cube-corner and be in a good mood else risk being the office asshat. That pretty much describes life for most people I know. I certainly never intended to stay there long, and incredible fortune delivered itself to the wrong house and I've been given my escape.
I wonder if I'll have dominicanocnoxisphobia when I start going to Duke? I'm not afraid of not doing well, I'm afraid of not loving it the way I imagine (and hope) to. It certainly seems ideal, and it's gonna be a hell of a lot of work. I hope I can shift my obsessive traits on it like I have on other things I adore.
Nonetheless, is there something deeper than simply not wanting to go to work? What if it's a change-thing that I'm after? When I was free from this problem, things changed rapidly: my schedule was always stuffed with classes, each with their own details. The commutes there and back were complicated and long. I also only spent about 30 hours a week concentrating on that stuff. I'm trying to figure out how much chaos I prefer. It seems that I thrive in somewhat chaotic situations better than organized ones; I certainly prefer moments of great change and destabilization to tranquility. Is it because I know that tomorrow, for at least the first 8 hours of it, I'm going to be locked into the same repetitive cycle? Is that what my emotions are so fervent about fearing come sunday night at something-o'clock-in-the-morning?
Why so late at night? The real point of this is to determine what it is that happens so late at night that opens the gate for this kind of thought. I have to be in solitude, I have to be in a meditative state (aka: not watching tv or eating - though bathroom activities are exempt), and I have to be in front of a computer to get everything down. I'll be up and down 3-4 times in a Sunday night jotting notes and keeping track of thoughts for my various, if not scattered, obsessions.
I wonder if the attention I give to environmental stimuli throughout the day are the culprits of this fear. Perhaps late on sunday nights are the only times when I'm guaranteed solitude, and therefore whatever energies focused on social stuff is diffused, and goes toward working on some of those background problems, churning away in hopes of that Eureka effect. Aigh, no matter how much I try to understanding my psyche, this part of it gets me every time.
I am a somewhat confident believer that everything that reaches your executive consciousness is there because your automatic processes need you to take decisive action to accomplish some goal that's set. This goal can be very simple and recently acquired to something that you got stuck with because "mom never looked" or some crap. Who knows. Regardless, I can't figure out what that goal might be. Either A) this 'goal' concept is off, or B) my goal has yet to surface, if that's possible. Either way, why does it choose to deprive me of sleep, or is it my lack of regulated sleep what's causing this problem?
Rain's certainly got it nailed. If I gripe about this problem, she says "GET DRUNK." So I've finished a beer and am summoning my lightweight powers to follow that order --side note: get margarita stuff--.
I think it's all part of the same problem that the art-fags and tragic gothics and whiney people endure. Much of the time, I try to dismiss that kind of self-promotion as forced-naivity and rejection of a complicated world, instead preferring to stake out something new. I really hope that whatever I still seem to be after isn't some sort of inability to face some aspect of the world. I'm not sure if I dislike that notion because it indicates 'weakness' ::puffs up chest:: or simply because, well, it's so simple ::puffs up ego::
I don't want Sunday nights when we move, I hate them. It's the one thing that gets between me and that feeling of harmony in life... I've certainly been given everything else I ever wanted. Can't exactly put my finger on what else is out there that I'm after. Whatever it is, it's certainly got my attention.
Any other Dominicanocnoxisphobes out there?