an open letter to the ASSHATS who broke into our house today
I'm sure that our house, located on a temptingly working-class cul-de-sac, seemed like the PERFECT target for your thieving activities - surely the POOR STUDENTS and the RECEPTIONIST living therein have a wealth of expensive electronics for you to steal! (Actually, I do have a very nice computer; however, it goes to WORK with me every day.) I can understand your anger upon realizing that our house was not as easy to enter as you may have hoped; after all, the little old lady you burglarized a few months back did have an air conditioner you were able to rip out of a window. It must have been very frustrating for you to come to our empty house while we were all at school and work, earning our meager stipends and paychecks to put ourselves through life, only to find that all the doors and windows were securely locked. However, it is heartening to see your triumph of the human spirit and will (or was it merely superhuman strength brought on by incipient narcotics withdrawal?) Our basement stairwell is narrow and treacherous, and we were simply astounded at the strength you found to kick the door in. Not only did you make the lock rip through the molding, completely destroying the door frame, but you also somehow managed to rip the steel brackets holding the reinforcing bar completely out of the cement wall they had been bolted into, bending one at a 45-degree angle! Do you work out?
(But please, next time shut the basement door behind you! I'm sure you noticed the litterbox and Tupperware full of cat food in the basement - we do in fact have two cats, and I am rather fond of them. I was, believe it or not, really upset when I couldn't find them anywhere in the house. I was also worried that they were injured or cold, especially since it was snowing today and we do live a block off one of the busiest streets in the city. In fact - silly me - I ran up and down the street calling their names while sobbing, looking for their mangled bodies on the side of the road! Us girls get so EMOTIONAL sometimes! Luckily they had just hidden themselves as well as possible under a bed, possibly because they were in awe of your feats of strength.)
We also marveled at your unusual and rare connoisseurship of items. Not being as discerning in our tastes as you, we beg for answers: Why did you ignore the stereo and speakers, why did you cruelly spurn our PS2? We want a PS3 or a Wii too, but we simply cannot afford one now - maybe we will have one in time for your next visit. But why did you decide you simply could not live without my crappy old Dell laptop that won't even boot? And did you think lillyv was hiding gold doubloons, or the Crown Jewels perhaps, inside her computer? Is that why you ripped off the front of it and threw it on the ground? (I can understand taking her monitor though - aren't those flat-panel displays lovely?)
And yes, there are many noises on this block, and in this house. They seem to have made your breaking-and-entering experience a less-peaceful endeavor than it otherwise would have been, seeing as how you decided to abruptly leave my comfortable home, abandoning a suitcase full of lillyv's computer supplies. (I must confess that I am perplexed by your choices. Was her monitor not good enough for you after all? Is that why you abandoned it finally, taking only my broken computer as a memento of your tenure as my uninvited house guest?)
However, we may well meet again - perhaps in a courtroom? The police will be coming tomorrow to fingerprint the house, including the suitcase full of all the items you so lovingly packed therein. Maybe this will bring us together at last - I'm sorry if you find it a bit "weird" or "stalkerish," but surely you must think we can make it work? Why else would you have borrowed my laptop for a while? (Please be careful what you do with all those naked pictures on there!) But in case you decide to come back again, I am thinking about keeping a constant companion by my side for the next couple weeks. I call this friend of mine "Mr. Remington," and he will be chaperoning any future rendez-vous you might have. But, to be fair, I will let you choose: birdshot or buckshot?
(But please, next time shut the basement door behind you! I'm sure you noticed the litterbox and Tupperware full of cat food in the basement - we do in fact have two cats, and I am rather fond of them. I was, believe it or not, really upset when I couldn't find them anywhere in the house. I was also worried that they were injured or cold, especially since it was snowing today and we do live a block off one of the busiest streets in the city. In fact - silly me - I ran up and down the street calling their names while sobbing, looking for their mangled bodies on the side of the road! Us girls get so EMOTIONAL sometimes! Luckily they had just hidden themselves as well as possible under a bed, possibly because they were in awe of your feats of strength.)
We also marveled at your unusual and rare connoisseurship of items. Not being as discerning in our tastes as you, we beg for answers: Why did you ignore the stereo and speakers, why did you cruelly spurn our PS2? We want a PS3 or a Wii too, but we simply cannot afford one now - maybe we will have one in time for your next visit. But why did you decide you simply could not live without my crappy old Dell laptop that won't even boot? And did you think lillyv was hiding gold doubloons, or the Crown Jewels perhaps, inside her computer? Is that why you ripped off the front of it and threw it on the ground? (I can understand taking her monitor though - aren't those flat-panel displays lovely?)
And yes, there are many noises on this block, and in this house. They seem to have made your breaking-and-entering experience a less-peaceful endeavor than it otherwise would have been, seeing as how you decided to abruptly leave my comfortable home, abandoning a suitcase full of lillyv's computer supplies. (I must confess that I am perplexed by your choices. Was her monitor not good enough for you after all? Is that why you abandoned it finally, taking only my broken computer as a memento of your tenure as my uninvited house guest?)
However, we may well meet again - perhaps in a courtroom? The police will be coming tomorrow to fingerprint the house, including the suitcase full of all the items you so lovingly packed therein. Maybe this will bring us together at last - I'm sorry if you find it a bit "weird" or "stalkerish," but surely you must think we can make it work? Why else would you have borrowed my laptop for a while? (Please be careful what you do with all those naked pictures on there!) But in case you decide to come back again, I am thinking about keeping a constant companion by my side for the next couple weeks. I call this friend of mine "Mr. Remington," and he will be chaperoning any future rendez-vous you might have. But, to be fair, I will let you choose: birdshot or buckshot?