this life right here
It took a long time. Long enough that I thought maybe it wouldn't happen. I've been working here in the halfway house for a month and a half now and it's finally getting to me. There're just so many problems. I'm feeling incredibly burdened, am starting to avoid people, hide in my room or get away when I can. I'm hiding in Facebook, eating too much, spending all day in my room on the computer doing repetitive unproductive tasks, reload, reload, reload. Really just feeling like I need a vacation (already!), a good five to seven days where I don't have to shoulder any of it; it's all so incredibly heavy. I wonder if it's just because EMT class is over and now my days are empty... there's time to truly palpate the weight of it all, the meaning of everything that's been going on. Or maybe Saturday was just that much stress for me. Well, I know for sure it was a lot. Anyway, I need to take better care of myself. Go to the gym, go to yoga, eat better, sleep more, talk more. It comes and goes, I guess, the distress and fatigue. Sometimes I'm ok. Sometimes I'm downright manic. And sometimes, it just makes me really down, really feel guilty and sad and hold a lot of self-doubt and self-questioning. Did I do the right thing? What if it happens again? What do I do about all of this? What can I do to change it? Sometimes, I feel so helpless, like I just jumped into something that is way out of my league and wondering if I'm doing any harm. How can I be a doctor if I can't handle this? Maybe doctoring is easier. You don't have to live with your patients. I need to drink less coffee too. With so many recovering addicts here, I'm downing way more coffee than I should. Just watch, in 6 months, I'll be smoking. Ok. I have enough free time now to concentrate on taking care of myself. I need to do this. How do I motivate myself?