(no subject)
It seems something in Malcolm is seeping into my skin and spreading throughout my body. As the platitude goes: change is the only constant thing. The question is whether I’m growing or regressing; whether it’s poison or panacea; and some other permutation of it. I'm not quite sure. All I know is that for the first time in my life I'm feeling self-righteous. I've written about this before but this time it's been confirmed. Some people from other blocks feel that my constant nodding and glances at the person reciting are derrogatory. I can't blame them, I probably do have a condescending look. In my defense though, I can't really help it. It has become involuntary on my part to react to each recitation. I'm not even aware of the reactions I give out anymore - which is dangerous. And also in my defense, their recitations are probably horrible. If that isn't bad enough, at times I even think to myself "why is this person wasting my time?" It's horrible! I'm becoming someone I hate.
I think it's the effect of studying like I've never studied before. The personal record breaking amount of studying I've been doing is affecting how I look at things. I've always thought of my self as a lousy and lazy student - and I was. Because I was lousy and lazy my personal standards were very low and those were the same set of standards I've been using to measure other people. However now that I've improved by becoming more industrious the level of my performance has increased and so the standards I use on other people are much higher than before. In addition, my improved performance is still much lower than the effort other people excert which means I'm still a relatively lousy student. So in my mind I still suck and anyone worse off than I am is really doing horribly. I don't know. I feel confused.
The problem with the way I see things now is that I seem to be disregarding the personal circumstances of other people. It is quite possible that that person just had a really bad day or just recently became burned out. Though I don't think that's the case with me. After all, although I am irritated at bad recits, I don't judge the person reciting. I just judge the recit. It has never been personal with me except for those relatively few people who consistently perform horribly. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Who is this person writing this entry?
I think it's the effect of studying like I've never studied before. The personal record breaking amount of studying I've been doing is affecting how I look at things. I've always thought of my self as a lousy and lazy student - and I was. Because I was lousy and lazy my personal standards were very low and those were the same set of standards I've been using to measure other people. However now that I've improved by becoming more industrious the level of my performance has increased and so the standards I use on other people are much higher than before. In addition, my improved performance is still much lower than the effort other people excert which means I'm still a relatively lousy student. So in my mind I still suck and anyone worse off than I am is really doing horribly. I don't know. I feel confused.
The problem with the way I see things now is that I seem to be disregarding the personal circumstances of other people. It is quite possible that that person just had a really bad day or just recently became burned out. Though I don't think that's the case with me. After all, although I am irritated at bad recits, I don't judge the person reciting. I just judge the recit. It has never been personal with me except for those relatively few people who consistently perform horribly. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Who is this person writing this entry?