Yay! I wrote something!

[liadlaith]

Title: Blank Spaces
Topic: Catch
Word Count: 700 and something
A/N: A little too angsty, a little too melodramatic, a little too autobiographical. A little too well-trodden. But I hope you like it, nevertheless.

Comments

[kadooshka]

I enjoyed that too! :D

Until I read A's comment, the second person didn't stand out to me at all. Funny that. It's really rarely seen (unless you're playing Dungeons and Dragons or something) and you'd think that it would be strange or disconcerting to read, but I didn't find it so at all. In fact, I somehow imagined a 3rd person character, without seeing myself in the text at all. It all worked, in a very complicated way. Trust me. ;)

I thought the jump from the unknown "she" to the unknown "he" was a bit abrupt. I had to reread the second paragraph to make sure I hadn't skipped a bit. It's always strange having these almost non-entity characters in stories, but obviously there wasn't the space or scope for you to give them anything more than a gender. For the first line I thought you'd left the "s" off "she" or something. *is stoopid* It was just a little unsettling for the first read. It kind of tripped my eyes up.

Also, somehow the random introduction of a name (Ellie) seemed a little odd, considering the utter blankness of every character. Somehow putting a name to an invisible undescribed entity seems a little odd to me...

I know it's a strange thing to notice but I think somehow the word ""Y’have..." was out of place. In the midst of "besmirch" and "squander" it just didn't seem right. I don't think I've even ever seen it written like that.

You captured a lot of emotion and good metaphor in such a short space. I like the story overall a lot! I'm glad you started this community, because even if it hasn't quite inspired me to write anything yet, it does give me a chance to read others' works, which I enjoy! :)



Kadooshka

[liadlaith]

I'm glad you started this community, because even if it hasn't quite inspired me to write anything yet, it does give me a chance to read others' works, which I enjoy! :)

I'm happy to oblige! Thanks so much for commenting, I really appreciate it. I think I agree with all your comments, especially the "Y'have" bit. Not sure what I could do about the trouble with the change from she to he . . . oh well : )

[hecticred]

I agree about the confusion over the identities of the various characters. I assume it was all from the point of view of one person, but that was difficult to b e sure of at first.

[liadlaith]

Oh yes, it's all from the point of view of one person. The she is Ellie's friend, the he is Ellie's (ex)boy.