you get a bitter taste of what it's like to live my life
i dont know why, but tonight i have fallen into depression.... i dont want to do anything and i dont want to see anyone...
this came out of nowhere... i had a fantastic night last night [ghosbuster slumberparty with spiderman pj's] thanks brit... and i had such a fun day. but when i was driving home, something clicked in my head. i talked to brit and she sounded down, which brought me down. i tried to listening to my music, stuff that usually makes me excited, like motley crue, because after all i am going to see them in a week and a half, but it didnt work. i just sat there feeling almost nothing, thinking nothing other than the directions of how to get home. i dont know if it is because i feel i have failed myself and my parents.. even tho they dont know it yet. i sometimes feel guilty for being their daughter, i feel like a burden. they show me nothing but love, and my mother, i know would do anything she possibly could, just to see me smile, all those nights i spent crying and unhappy, my mom watched movies with me and held my hand to try to get me to stop being sad. why cant i stay in school, why cant i be focused, why cant i succeed like im supposed too? I've gone through this before and I promised myself i would try everything just to do better, to try and "make something of myself" apparently, i am nothing.
i have been spending sooo much time with my bestfriend lately, and sometimes im afraid of what might happen... i only want her to be happy, but sometimes im worried, i dont want to have to giver her up again, as selfish as that sounds, i dont want to loose her.. especially when i know she is better than that. as much as i dont want her to go back... i have to say i understand it. i want to give her strength, but she can only find it within herself, through her own mistakes....
gahhhhhhhhh okae i hate being gay.
this came out of nowhere... i had a fantastic night last night [ghosbuster slumberparty with spiderman pj's] thanks brit... and i had such a fun day. but when i was driving home, something clicked in my head. i talked to brit and she sounded down, which brought me down. i tried to listening to my music, stuff that usually makes me excited, like motley crue, because after all i am going to see them in a week and a half, but it didnt work. i just sat there feeling almost nothing, thinking nothing other than the directions of how to get home. i dont know if it is because i feel i have failed myself and my parents.. even tho they dont know it yet. i sometimes feel guilty for being their daughter, i feel like a burden. they show me nothing but love, and my mother, i know would do anything she possibly could, just to see me smile, all those nights i spent crying and unhappy, my mom watched movies with me and held my hand to try to get me to stop being sad. why cant i stay in school, why cant i be focused, why cant i succeed like im supposed too? I've gone through this before and I promised myself i would try everything just to do better, to try and "make something of myself" apparently, i am nothing.
i have been spending sooo much time with my bestfriend lately, and sometimes im afraid of what might happen... i only want her to be happy, but sometimes im worried, i dont want to have to giver her up again, as selfish as that sounds, i dont want to loose her.. especially when i know she is better than that. as much as i dont want her to go back... i have to say i understand it. i want to give her strength, but she can only find it within herself, through her own mistakes....
gahhhhhhhhh okae i hate being gay.