Drinking + ALF = This
I saw this 2 (TWO!) places today and thought it was funny, yet applicable. Sorry it's in all caps; I don't feel like retyping it. So, here's to all my drunk girls, both those I saw this weekend at ALF and those I've ever gotten drunk with in Clarion.
WHEN GIRLS GET DRUNK
1. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE MY PURSE IS.
2. I BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH MY ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING MY BUTT WHILE
YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. I'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED I WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE I COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN MY LAST TRIP TO PEE, I REALIZE I NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS I WAS JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.
5. I DROP MY 3:00 A.M. EDDIE DOG ON THE FLOOR (WHICH I'M EATING
EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND CARRY ON EATING
IT.
6. I START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE I SEE THAT I LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
7. I GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!" (Livin' on a Prayer. Huh?)
8. I'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO ME.
9. THE MAN I'M FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE MY 5TH GRADE TEACHER.
10. THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, STAND ON A TABLE AND
SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING. (Joe Nichols - Tequilla Makes Her Clothes Fall Off.)
11. MY EYES JUST DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO I KEEP THEM
HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXOTICALLY SEXY.
12. I'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
13. I YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO (I THINK) CHEATED ME BY GIVING ME JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE VODKA.
14. I THINK I'M IN BED, BUT MY PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR
15. I START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING, "DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT..."
16. I FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN I SIT ON IT.
17. MY HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES.
18. I'M TIRED SO I JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER I HAPPEN TO BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.
19. I BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON MY BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUTDOWN ON THE TIME I'M IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM MY DRINK.
20. I TAKE MY SHOES OFF BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT I'M HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
WHEN GIRLS GET DRUNK
1. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE MY PURSE IS.
2. I BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH MY ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING MY BUTT WHILE
YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. I'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED I WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE I COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN MY LAST TRIP TO PEE, I REALIZE I NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS I WAS JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.
5. I DROP MY 3:00 A.M. EDDIE DOG ON THE FLOOR (WHICH I'M EATING
EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND CARRY ON EATING
IT.
6. I START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE I SEE THAT I LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
7. I GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!" (Livin' on a Prayer. Huh?)
8. I'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO ME.
9. THE MAN I'M FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE MY 5TH GRADE TEACHER.
10. THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, STAND ON A TABLE AND
SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING. (Joe Nichols - Tequilla Makes Her Clothes Fall Off.)
11. MY EYES JUST DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO I KEEP THEM
HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXOTICALLY SEXY.
12. I'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
13. I YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO (I THINK) CHEATED ME BY GIVING ME JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE VODKA.
14. I THINK I'M IN BED, BUT MY PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR
15. I START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING, "DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT..."
16. I FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN I SIT ON IT.
17. MY HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES.
18. I'M TIRED SO I JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER I HAPPEN TO BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.
19. I BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON MY BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUTDOWN ON THE TIME I'M IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM MY DRINK.
20. I TAKE MY SHOES OFF BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT I'M HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.