JDS has nothing more to offer me
I came to the realization of how much my group of friends has diminished some months ago, it just never felt so bad until today. There are days when it seems that there is not one girl i know who i can talk to about anything. There are days when i feel like im invisible to people who i thought liked me, where i'll say hi to them in the halls and they'll completely ignore me. Or i ask them what they're doing on a specific night and somehow they are always busy with something they planned 4 years in advance with someone they've known all they're life.
I feel as if i simply can't compete; i can't infultrate the little clique of people who i once thought were my friends. I didn't have many friends when i first came to the school; everyone had personal history with everyone else and i had nothing, but people were friendly and let me in to their circle of friends. But somewhere along the way i feel as though my novelty wore away and i am left with nothing.
I think this problem is greater exaserbated by the fact that i haven't been in a meaningful relationship with someone in years. All i have is a rediculously long list of thoroughly fucked up relationships in which i am dragged along through a series of mixed messages and bullshit mind games leaving me depressed and more lonely than i was before it started. And as much as a try, i can't in good conscience attribute all of the shitty relationships ive had to just bad kharma. When it happens once its bad kharma, when it happens repeatedly you can't help but feel somewhat responsible.
And i wish i could give up or not think about it, (as many of you have suggested to me which i must say is some of the absolute worst fucking advice i have ever received) but i can't. I CANNOT GIVE UP.
Plus, when this shit has happened in the past i always found solace in music, or some form of art. But i really have no time to do any of that now. I have school work and SATs and whatever the fuck other manifestation of the grade A bullshit i have to do to keep my head above water. I said it when i was doing crappily in 9th grade, and im saying it now when im doing ten times better, Grades are a FUCKING SACK OF SHIT. It has robbed me of so many things that i love to do. I was planning on making an album with my band and releasing it by the end of the year, so far we have recorded 1 song and i am scared we might not finish the album before we graduate. And as much as i really want to do the movie with Elliot that we're working on, in all practicallity, i don't think there'll be enough time.
I cannot wait until college, when i can focus on the subjects i want to focus on, when i can meet a girl who isn't fucking insane, when i can actually branch out and be in a band that practices regularly and makes music and plays gigs, and get signed.
Because right now I AM SUFFOCATING.
love to all
I feel as if i simply can't compete; i can't infultrate the little clique of people who i once thought were my friends. I didn't have many friends when i first came to the school; everyone had personal history with everyone else and i had nothing, but people were friendly and let me in to their circle of friends. But somewhere along the way i feel as though my novelty wore away and i am left with nothing.
I think this problem is greater exaserbated by the fact that i haven't been in a meaningful relationship with someone in years. All i have is a rediculously long list of thoroughly fucked up relationships in which i am dragged along through a series of mixed messages and bullshit mind games leaving me depressed and more lonely than i was before it started. And as much as a try, i can't in good conscience attribute all of the shitty relationships ive had to just bad kharma. When it happens once its bad kharma, when it happens repeatedly you can't help but feel somewhat responsible.
And i wish i could give up or not think about it, (as many of you have suggested to me which i must say is some of the absolute worst fucking advice i have ever received) but i can't. I CANNOT GIVE UP.
Plus, when this shit has happened in the past i always found solace in music, or some form of art. But i really have no time to do any of that now. I have school work and SATs and whatever the fuck other manifestation of the grade A bullshit i have to do to keep my head above water. I said it when i was doing crappily in 9th grade, and im saying it now when im doing ten times better, Grades are a FUCKING SACK OF SHIT. It has robbed me of so many things that i love to do. I was planning on making an album with my band and releasing it by the end of the year, so far we have recorded 1 song and i am scared we might not finish the album before we graduate. And as much as i really want to do the movie with Elliot that we're working on, in all practicallity, i don't think there'll be enough time.
I cannot wait until college, when i can focus on the subjects i want to focus on, when i can meet a girl who isn't fucking insane, when i can actually branch out and be in a band that practices regularly and makes music and plays gigs, and get signed.
Because right now I AM SUFFOCATING.
love to all