Fighting Against It
I feel directionless. I feel like I need something so big to follow. I don't know what course I'm on, which one to get on, or if I should not focus on finding direction in life at all. That is so not me though. I've always known where I was going. But I think my plans kind of taper off after NYU. And now that I am graduating, everything seems so open and fleeting. The moon is about to be void of course which can account for this, but its not something thats recent. Pretty much since I ended the relationship, and a bit before, I have been searching for something to devote myself to entirely. Actually...pretty much my whole fucking life.I went through phases of carelessness, which were good and fun. But when I reflect on my life, I want to have mostly concrete things I participated in, people I've helped, causes I've signed on to, not an abundance of meaningless activities. Not that there is an abundance of that at all. I guess what I mean is...I only feel comfortable enjoying myself and my company in leisure activities if I feel it is coupled by profound experiences requiring tact, skill, talent, repsonsibility, devotion, and hard work. I like using having fun to let loose and compliment the hard work I'm doing in my life, not as a substituion for the hard work I really WANT to be doing.
Sometimes I feel my impatience can get the best of me. I know it will happen. I know it is a matter of when. And I love reminding myself how far I have come and how much I've grown in just the past 3 years even. It's unbelieveable, and all this time I've felt like I've been moving at a snail's pace. When in fact, if I continue on this path at this rate, I am clearly destined for big things.
Though I realize I need to just lay low, be patient, "chill-ax" as they say...it's really hard to fight this tiger inside of me that wants to like...change the world. now.
All hyperboles put aside...I would greatly appreciate a non-institution affiliated funnel to channel all my creatviity and expression. I think thats why I dance. It's all about me and what I want, but still within a very tight structure. I don't have to please anyone except myself when I dance. I guess this is a vow to myself to take more classes.
I want to make my parents proud too. They have given me so much. Everything, really. I don't feel like I have yet returned a smidgeon of their favours. In all actuality, I think I feel this way beause I feel like I am not giving. I feel like I am always taking. And I guess that is what I am trying to remedy.
bleeeeeeehhhhhhhhhh
Sometimes I feel my impatience can get the best of me. I know it will happen. I know it is a matter of when. And I love reminding myself how far I have come and how much I've grown in just the past 3 years even. It's unbelieveable, and all this time I've felt like I've been moving at a snail's pace. When in fact, if I continue on this path at this rate, I am clearly destined for big things.
Though I realize I need to just lay low, be patient, "chill-ax" as they say...it's really hard to fight this tiger inside of me that wants to like...change the world. now.
All hyperboles put aside...I would greatly appreciate a non-institution affiliated funnel to channel all my creatviity and expression. I think thats why I dance. It's all about me and what I want, but still within a very tight structure. I don't have to please anyone except myself when I dance. I guess this is a vow to myself to take more classes.
I want to make my parents proud too. They have given me so much. Everything, really. I don't feel like I have yet returned a smidgeon of their favours. In all actuality, I think I feel this way beause I feel like I am not giving. I feel like I am always taking. And I guess that is what I am trying to remedy.
bleeeeeeehhhhhhhhhh