(no subject)
My cat is adorable. I cannot say it enough. Like he's never NOT laying on his back with his fluffly white tummy begging to be scratched and making little mew sounds with his paws in the air.
I'm frustrated. With life. I have nothing to complain about. I'm very happy. Happier and more in touch with what I want out of life than I've been for a while. I have some issues though and this is what they are.
1) Jealousy. It's never really been an issue for me. I am pretending its not right now. I'm jealous of people who have that something where they don't have to try or put themselves out there or even WANT what they get which is, of course, always so great. I have been VERY blessed in my life and am certainly grateful for all that I have been given and all I have earned or achieved. I just want IT so bad. I want to be working and doing what I'm good at and maybe...just maybe...be getting paid for it. I have jumped on EVERY SINGLE AUDITION OPPORTUNITY including headshot/resume submissions for numerous roles I am right for in terms of student films and such on actors access. I had a couple fulfilling audition experiences; one for a commercial agent from Talent Works, and another for an off broadway play. Do I think anything will come of them? No. Have I gotten one response from any online audition appointment inquiry or submission? No. I think it's the desperation factor. Maybe people can tell I really, really want to work and its just pushing them away? Maybe now isn't the right time? What I don't understand is how Erik gets a Nokia commercial audition from the same commercial agent I auditioned for, says he did terribly, and the next day is informed he has a callback. A callback. For a national Nokia commercial. Do you know how much that pays? It's fucking awesome and I'm so proud of him and honestly hope he books it. That would be so sweet. I just can't help but keep my skin from turning just a little bit green...I'm trying so hard. Making such an effort. And nothing. Yesterday he told me he hated the experience and doesn't want to be an actor. Also note how he didn't want to go to NYU and was praying he didn't get in. Is this going to be the rest of my life? Struggling for even one audition? Waiting around for 9 hours to be seen for 30 seconds for something I'll never be cast in? And THAT was a good day! I'd be happy just to get an audition at all.
2) Paranoia. I have, and always have had a problem. It's growing as time goes on and beginning to become, as you can see, a documented issue. I think that everyone hates me, everyone is mad at me for something I don't know I did, everyone thinks poorly of me, and most notably, everyone is talking shit about me right in front of me. Unfortunetely, these fears have arisen from past experiences. Back in high school, people who I considered my friends even, and ones who apparently saw me as an enemy, would talk shit right in front of me. Always. Everyday. Whispers, looks, laughs. The laughs were the worst. For some reason, people thought I was extremely blonde and oblivious and would say really hurtful things that were, trust me, audible. It would happen everyday. And when I see other people talking bad about others nearby, I then become self-conscious that when I am a bit further away, they are talking about me. Like shooting my soap scene today, the whole time I just saw other students in the audience whispering and staring and it's so distracting and it kills me inside. I just kept telling myself what my mom would tell me when I came home crying all the time. That THEY were jealous and had low self-esteem and not to give them the time of day. This is probably true. It is true. I just can't shake it. I need people to like me and I have overwhelming paranoia that I'm giving off the wrong impressions. Coming off harsh or mean or annoying or dorky or stupid. And do you know what I do with these lowly, cruel people? I become nicer and nicer to them, inevitably trying to "win them over" in some way so I can be sure they won't talk shit about me, at least not in front of me anymore. Why do I do this? Because I'm sick. It's unhealthy and a problem. A bad one to have for someone who wants to be a working actress. But since THATS not even happening at a snail's pace...maybe I won't have to worry...
Men. Boys. Guys. Ugh. With or Without em. Can't live. It's torture. I'm trying not to focus on it. I'm trying not to focus on anything. On any of this shit.
Being alone is so different. I feel like I am re-adjusting well. I am forcing myself to be a lot more social than I would normally want to be. Again-making an effort. Trying to stay busy. And I hate to say it, bit Erik not adjusting well makes it easier for me to be the "self-assured" one. I called it in tonight though. I could have gone and tried to hook up with this cute (but a bit strange) guy I have been fixating on. I might have succeeded but it would have been awkward. It would just be to hook up and probably would not be the best thing for me right now. I'm worried it would make things awkward in the future because he is in my circle of friends and...well...you understand.
I haven't done laundry for over 3 weeks and I have a sink full of dishes and I went out last night and drank and I need to recover and I can't leave my cat. These are all good reasons in my book. Oh yeah, 2 hr season premiere of Las Vegas. Which has some good acting but mostly ridiculously rich and sexy people and in some lewd and sad way...it comforts me.
I picked up sushi for dinner after the gym and I was really hungry but for some reason it was so unappetizing. My tastes must be changing...literally and metaphorically. I had this thought as I was eating that I never thought of as gross before. But I was suddenly like...ewww...I'm eating fish eggs...this came out of a fish's womb. This is so gross. But I used to LOVE Ikura (salmon roe). Then I was like...seaweed salad...uck. Shrimp? Ew...this was alive and swimming around with little tentacles and shit. Then I almost vommed. Spicy Tuna? How was I obsessed with this? This is like raw, dead fish...and spicy. Then I ate dried fruit and organic dark chocolate and drank a lot of water. I was still like, Meh. Food. *Shrug*
I cried a bit in the gym today. On the stretching mats. Listening to Tears for Fears and stretching my hamstrings.
Erik says all the fucking wrong things. Still.
This entry is MASSIVE.
My sister got a dog. She BOUGHT a dog. Which makes me FUUURIOOOUUSSS. She couldn't adopt because she couldn't find a 3 pound, pure bred chihuahua in any shelter. Tough luck. Instead...she just decided to pay $800 of my father's money to fly one in from a breeder that will have tons of problems anyway because pure breds are stupid since they are often inbred. All this and 50,000 animals are gased DAILY. Whatever. At least I saved an angel. My Icarus' wings actually work :)
He's a bit depressed lately though, even more affectionate, but I think he is feeling my hopelessness. Today, watching CNN cover a possible month-long terrorist black out story in the gym, I was like...why? Why even care? Keep going? For what? We'll probably all destroy ourselves within 20 yrs.
I'm frustrated. With life. I have nothing to complain about. I'm very happy. Happier and more in touch with what I want out of life than I've been for a while. I have some issues though and this is what they are.
1) Jealousy. It's never really been an issue for me. I am pretending its not right now. I'm jealous of people who have that something where they don't have to try or put themselves out there or even WANT what they get which is, of course, always so great. I have been VERY blessed in my life and am certainly grateful for all that I have been given and all I have earned or achieved. I just want IT so bad. I want to be working and doing what I'm good at and maybe...just maybe...be getting paid for it. I have jumped on EVERY SINGLE AUDITION OPPORTUNITY including headshot/resume submissions for numerous roles I am right for in terms of student films and such on actors access. I had a couple fulfilling audition experiences; one for a commercial agent from Talent Works, and another for an off broadway play. Do I think anything will come of them? No. Have I gotten one response from any online audition appointment inquiry or submission? No. I think it's the desperation factor. Maybe people can tell I really, really want to work and its just pushing them away? Maybe now isn't the right time? What I don't understand is how Erik gets a Nokia commercial audition from the same commercial agent I auditioned for, says he did terribly, and the next day is informed he has a callback. A callback. For a national Nokia commercial. Do you know how much that pays? It's fucking awesome and I'm so proud of him and honestly hope he books it. That would be so sweet. I just can't help but keep my skin from turning just a little bit green...I'm trying so hard. Making such an effort. And nothing. Yesterday he told me he hated the experience and doesn't want to be an actor. Also note how he didn't want to go to NYU and was praying he didn't get in. Is this going to be the rest of my life? Struggling for even one audition? Waiting around for 9 hours to be seen for 30 seconds for something I'll never be cast in? And THAT was a good day! I'd be happy just to get an audition at all.
2) Paranoia. I have, and always have had a problem. It's growing as time goes on and beginning to become, as you can see, a documented issue. I think that everyone hates me, everyone is mad at me for something I don't know I did, everyone thinks poorly of me, and most notably, everyone is talking shit about me right in front of me. Unfortunetely, these fears have arisen from past experiences. Back in high school, people who I considered my friends even, and ones who apparently saw me as an enemy, would talk shit right in front of me. Always. Everyday. Whispers, looks, laughs. The laughs were the worst. For some reason, people thought I was extremely blonde and oblivious and would say really hurtful things that were, trust me, audible. It would happen everyday. And when I see other people talking bad about others nearby, I then become self-conscious that when I am a bit further away, they are talking about me. Like shooting my soap scene today, the whole time I just saw other students in the audience whispering and staring and it's so distracting and it kills me inside. I just kept telling myself what my mom would tell me when I came home crying all the time. That THEY were jealous and had low self-esteem and not to give them the time of day. This is probably true. It is true. I just can't shake it. I need people to like me and I have overwhelming paranoia that I'm giving off the wrong impressions. Coming off harsh or mean or annoying or dorky or stupid. And do you know what I do with these lowly, cruel people? I become nicer and nicer to them, inevitably trying to "win them over" in some way so I can be sure they won't talk shit about me, at least not in front of me anymore. Why do I do this? Because I'm sick. It's unhealthy and a problem. A bad one to have for someone who wants to be a working actress. But since THATS not even happening at a snail's pace...maybe I won't have to worry...
Men. Boys. Guys. Ugh. With or Without em. Can't live. It's torture. I'm trying not to focus on it. I'm trying not to focus on anything. On any of this shit.
Being alone is so different. I feel like I am re-adjusting well. I am forcing myself to be a lot more social than I would normally want to be. Again-making an effort. Trying to stay busy. And I hate to say it, bit Erik not adjusting well makes it easier for me to be the "self-assured" one. I called it in tonight though. I could have gone and tried to hook up with this cute (but a bit strange) guy I have been fixating on. I might have succeeded but it would have been awkward. It would just be to hook up and probably would not be the best thing for me right now. I'm worried it would make things awkward in the future because he is in my circle of friends and...well...you understand.
I haven't done laundry for over 3 weeks and I have a sink full of dishes and I went out last night and drank and I need to recover and I can't leave my cat. These are all good reasons in my book. Oh yeah, 2 hr season premiere of Las Vegas. Which has some good acting but mostly ridiculously rich and sexy people and in some lewd and sad way...it comforts me.
I picked up sushi for dinner after the gym and I was really hungry but for some reason it was so unappetizing. My tastes must be changing...literally and metaphorically. I had this thought as I was eating that I never thought of as gross before. But I was suddenly like...ewww...I'm eating fish eggs...this came out of a fish's womb. This is so gross. But I used to LOVE Ikura (salmon roe). Then I was like...seaweed salad...uck. Shrimp? Ew...this was alive and swimming around with little tentacles and shit. Then I almost vommed. Spicy Tuna? How was I obsessed with this? This is like raw, dead fish...and spicy. Then I ate dried fruit and organic dark chocolate and drank a lot of water. I was still like, Meh. Food. *Shrug*
I cried a bit in the gym today. On the stretching mats. Listening to Tears for Fears and stretching my hamstrings.
Erik says all the fucking wrong things. Still.
This entry is MASSIVE.
My sister got a dog. She BOUGHT a dog. Which makes me FUUURIOOOUUSSS. She couldn't adopt because she couldn't find a 3 pound, pure bred chihuahua in any shelter. Tough luck. Instead...she just decided to pay $800 of my father's money to fly one in from a breeder that will have tons of problems anyway because pure breds are stupid since they are often inbred. All this and 50,000 animals are gased DAILY. Whatever. At least I saved an angel. My Icarus' wings actually work :)
He's a bit depressed lately though, even more affectionate, but I think he is feeling my hopelessness. Today, watching CNN cover a possible month-long terrorist black out story in the gym, I was like...why? Why even care? Keep going? For what? We'll probably all destroy ourselves within 20 yrs.