Something old, Something new, Something both.
I have so much to say.
My life has changed dramatically in a short time. This is true. I'm too lucky for my own good, to have people in my life that support me in every way possible and to the utmost degree. Sitting in my perfect, little apartment with my beautiful kitten curled in my lap, thinking about my soulful, sexy love that I miss having been away from him for, le't see, 5 hours now...sometimes I don't feel like I need anything else. Ever. Like I could basically leave this world and feel satisfied.
And then sometimes, normally after a couple glasses of wine on a late night, and normally following some artistic event, I'm sick of all of it. Mainly myself for not making it happen the way I want to. Convincing myself that there is no way to MAKE it happen, and I need to just be the water that I am and flow. It will come to me, right? It's times like these and in the days to follow that I feel almost ashamed. It' s weird, I don't know.
It's a constant struggle. Internally. To GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OWN WAY. I have such fear. I fear so many things. I fear someone seeing the ugly me. I fear ME seeing the ugly me. I don't know what this means, but I know that I fear it. I fear me never wanting to see the ugly me too. How can I see myself as beautiful when I won't even acknowledge the ugly? Yin and yang folks...yin and yang.
So I've decided to do something that scares me every day. I've decided to make life ugly.
I can't possibly give up the things and people in my life that make it so goddamn beautiful. But by inviting the potential dangers in, the feared, the ugly, I can perhaps even make my life more beautiful than it is now.
By forcing myself to do things that scare me and realizing how RIDICULOUS it is that I've been avoiding such trivial and beneficial things, I have regained a sense of power. I have wholefully adopted this practice and hope it makes my life all the better for it.
Somewhere along the way I stopped feeling like I was special. Maybe I'm not. But to stop FEELING that was tragic. Whoever, or whatever it was can go fuck themselves, because I'm coming back better than ever. I've got a lot to say and I'm worth listening to.
My life has changed dramatically in a short time. This is true. I'm too lucky for my own good, to have people in my life that support me in every way possible and to the utmost degree. Sitting in my perfect, little apartment with my beautiful kitten curled in my lap, thinking about my soulful, sexy love that I miss having been away from him for, le't see, 5 hours now...sometimes I don't feel like I need anything else. Ever. Like I could basically leave this world and feel satisfied.
And then sometimes, normally after a couple glasses of wine on a late night, and normally following some artistic event, I'm sick of all of it. Mainly myself for not making it happen the way I want to. Convincing myself that there is no way to MAKE it happen, and I need to just be the water that I am and flow. It will come to me, right? It's times like these and in the days to follow that I feel almost ashamed. It' s weird, I don't know.
It's a constant struggle. Internally. To GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OWN WAY. I have such fear. I fear so many things. I fear someone seeing the ugly me. I fear ME seeing the ugly me. I don't know what this means, but I know that I fear it. I fear me never wanting to see the ugly me too. How can I see myself as beautiful when I won't even acknowledge the ugly? Yin and yang folks...yin and yang.
So I've decided to do something that scares me every day. I've decided to make life ugly.
I can't possibly give up the things and people in my life that make it so goddamn beautiful. But by inviting the potential dangers in, the feared, the ugly, I can perhaps even make my life more beautiful than it is now.
By forcing myself to do things that scare me and realizing how RIDICULOUS it is that I've been avoiding such trivial and beneficial things, I have regained a sense of power. I have wholefully adopted this practice and hope it makes my life all the better for it.
Somewhere along the way I stopped feeling like I was special. Maybe I'm not. But to stop FEELING that was tragic. Whoever, or whatever it was can go fuck themselves, because I'm coming back better than ever. I've got a lot to say and I'm worth listening to.