lack of articulation
The morning started out good - I took my final in Hebrew and did pretty good. It’s pretty much certain I passed and therefore fulfilled my Hebrew obligation at the Technion. But I don’t want to stop there, I want to continue delving - so I need to check out other options: Haifa University, internet learning, night classes.
And though I want to learn more this language causes me daily frustration. Today I cried in front of my advisor and felt like a child who isn’t getting her way and therefore resorts to tears for leverage. At age 24 at an institute of technology it’s completely out of place and unprofessional to cry in front of an advisor. “Don’t take it personally” he tried to comfort. “It’ll all be okay, on days like this you need to pack your things up and go home,” my office mate later said with a smile. But it’s not okay…its not okay when I swim through a confusing sea of science for a field that I question my abilities in and then get talked to as though I’m an idiot by 3 consecutive people. And I know its not just me, and I know that a masters degree is like a condensed hell, and I know and I know and I know.
Its just the next few months are packed with work and social obligations and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed as I try to do things to the best of my ability. “It’s good to be busy!” says my mom. And it is.
Then I go home and try to think of ways to calm myself. I open a Hoegaarden beer and remember for maybe the 5th time that I don’t really like this beer. Then I try to sit on my porch and relax but I just keep thinking about all the things I need to do - laundry, 2 hard homework sets, cleaning chores, Hebrew reading, preparation for the weekend in Tel Aviv. Then I think of my lack of motivation.
Last weekend I went to see The Balkan Beatbox, an Israeli band based in NY, and had a really good time. It was a bizarre western/middle eastern mess. The ceiling was decorated with lamps in the shape of parachuting toy camels that blinked at appropriate times. The music was modern but the middle eastern horn instruments dominated and the singer would sing in English and then shout out to the audience “תרימו את הידים!" (raise your hands in the air!). Or say things like “we’re bringing the balagaan (mess/madness).” People would cheer but the occational ‘lulululululu!’ that you hear bellydancers shriek would rise up amongst the crowd.
No cohesive message here. But I guess that cohesion is something I currently lack.