Silent Night, Ferret Night: A short Castle WIP, Chapter 2

[pollylynn]

Title: Silent Night, Ferret Night, Chapter 2
WC: ~3700
Rating: T:

Summary: "I'm sorry, Beckett." Ryan was sorry. Sorry dripped from every syllable. "I'm sorry. It's . . . ferret related."

Spoilers: Set at the very end of Secret Santa (5x09), so spoilers for that.

A/N: Thank you for the kind reception, especially the flattering comparisons to Muppet47's original. It's hard to imagine higher praise. Thanks, especially, for reviews!



"You want me to what?"

Castle and Beckett flinched back from the phone in Kate's upturned palm. Even on speaker at a slight distance, Lanie's voice . . . penetrated.

"Lanie, please. I know-I know-what I'm asking you," Kate pleaded.

"No," Lanie said after a brief, terrifying pause. "No, I don't think you do know."

"Oh, come on!" Castle yelled into the phone. "Ryan needs help, you're hot for Esposito's Latino bod. And it's Christmas for God's sake. What's the problem?"

"Castle!" Beckett hissed and slapped his arm again.

How she found the exact same spot time after time was a mystery. A painful, welt-raising mystery.

"I knew it!" Lanie shouted. "I knew this was a Castle plan. Kate Beckett, you better have your head examined. No man is good enough in bed for you to be listening to crazy plans like that."

Kate's eyes flicked toward Castle without her consent. The look he was giving her was half smirk, half I know exactly to do with your naked parts. She simultaneously wanted to hit him and pin him up against the nearest wall.

"Castle," she said with a warning as she cupped her palm over the phone speaker.

"Hmmm?" He wasn't listening. He was scouting for dark corners with no line of sight from the curb where the car was parked.

"Let me handle this." She meant it to be firm and commanding, but it was all breathy and the emphasis fell weirdly on "handle" and shit.

Castle's brain was flooded with possible double entendres on "handle." The phone was in her slapping hand and the other was busy covering the speaker. He risked a step closer and leaned in. His lips all but brushed her ear. He was just about to let loose with the best one-the very best double entendre hand picked from some pretty competitive candidates-when the phone crackled with a muffled, angry sound.

"Hello? Hello? You two? Oh, stop that. Stop doing that thing, or I am hanging up right now."

Castle jumped back and clapped a hand to his heart. "I forgot about her. I forgot about tiny phone Lanie. She sounds mad."

"You think?" Kate hissed. She uncovered the speaker. At least she didn't slap him.

"Lanie, I'm sorry, but I don't think we can risk letting Javi in on . . . the situation. You know the holidays are hard on him anyway." Kate hated to do it, but she let the sentence linger.

Castle was right about one thing: Her friend still had feelings for Esposito and none of them liked to see him going through this time of year alone. She hated milking that. Hated it. But they were out of options. "We can't just . . . spring the ferret on him again."

"Don't you try to work me like that," Lanie warned, but it was no good. She was thawing. Castle and Beckett could both hear it in her voice.

"We need that key, Lanie," Castle added gently. He smoothed a hand over Kate's shoulder. He felt a warm rush of gratitude that he wasn't going it alone this year.

"How the hell am I supposed to find it?" Lanie asked irritably. "Those two may be the greatest bromance in history, but I can tell you this: Javier is not walking around with a key to Ryan's place on his ring."

Castle gave Kate a tentative grin. She couldn't help but return it. They had her. Sort of.

It faded rapidly. Now came the hard part. And it was definitely a job for Castle. She nudged him. Hard.

"Oh, you don't have to find it," he said excitedly. "I'll ask him for it!"

"You'll . . . ask him for it?" Lanie sounded baffled.

Kate braced herself.

Castle blundered on. "Yeah! You show up at his place all Mata Hari, you know? You get him all worked up, and at just the right moment: Cockblock! He won't be able to get us that key fast enough. More importantly, he won't ask questions."

"That's your plan." Lanie's voice was expressionless.

"Yeah!"

"Your plan is that I show up on Esposito's doorstep on Christmas Eve-on Christmas Eve when I made a big deal about no sad holiday hook ups . . ."

"It's only sad if the guy initiates!" Castle clapped a hand over his mouth. Awkward.

Kate just shook her head and ignored him. "Lanie . . ."

"Don't you 'Lanie' me." Her sigh sounded like a gale-force wind through the phone speaker. "Fine. I'll do it. But only because it's Christmas and that man has some serious issues when it comes to ferrets. So the plan is . . . "

"It's simple," Castle jumped in. "I get the key and you two . . . wait for Santa to come . . . if you know what I mean."

Kate's hand shot out. Castle somehow managed to dodge this time. She still hit him, but at least it wasn't in the same damned place.

"Castle?" Lanie's voice was eerily calm now.

"Yeah?" He was too caught up to sense danger.

"Imma smack you."

Kate's palm connected with Castle's biceps. Again. Ow.

"On it, Lanie."

Castle leaned his head against the cool glass and tried to keep his eyes closed. At least his mother was on to something a little lower key. Silent Night in German.

It wasn't as soothing as it could have been. German was just not very soothing and Kate was already tense.

He didn't want her to be tense. He wanted her to be smiling and unexpectedly at his door and a little drunk. Or nefariously pretending to be drunk. Nefariously pretending was probably his favorite scenario. He was drunk enough for both of them. Or he had been. Stupid shit getting real.

He gave up on trying to keep his eyes closed and went back to staring at her. Upright neck, set jaw, eyes front. Tense.

He didn't blame her. The plan was risky, if awesome, and they were both going to owe Lanie until the end of time.

Actually, that really meant that he was going to owe Lanie, because that's how woman math worked. Castle didn't get it. Woman math in general, but this in particular.

Because really, it was Ryan who should owe her, but that would never happen. He had that earnest, dapper little gent thing going for him. He hardly ever got blamed.

And Jenny? Forget it. Ferret sympathizer or no, no one ever blamed anyone that tiny and cute and nice.

But why blame anyone? Lanie and Esposito-Esplanie, he loved that name. Almost as good as Caskett. Esplanie was inevitable anyway. So why not move up the timetable? Christmas was the time for that kind of thing. Surprise showings up and kissings by the tree and miracles. Magic.

It was an awesome plan and he was really just helping magic along. But no one was going to see it that way. It was all going to be blame and owing and woman math and he would get no credit at all.

Castle started as the car jerked to a stop. They were there already? How could they be there already? Esposito lived at the ass end of the universe. He blinked a little blearily. Either the ass end of the universe had picked up and moved to a slightly more convenient location or he might have nodded off in spite of the German.

"I don't like you going in there alone," Kate said stiffly.

"Have to," he said as he scrubbed his hands over his face. "Only thing that makes sense."

"None of this makes sense, Castle," she said through her teeth. "It's never going to work. Why would you hide my present-which doesn't even exist, by the way-at Ryan's apartment?"

Castle cringed. That whole "no presents" thing had gone so fucking wrong. He knew it would, but she'd been so weird and jumpy and insistent and . . . well, he'd sort that out later. Ferret-related issues first.

"Look," he said miserably. "It's guy logic. You're going to have to trust me that if anyone will follow guy logic, it's Esposito. It'll work, Kate."

He reached forward and squeezed her shoulder briefly. A little of the tension seeped out of her, just for a second, then his phone chimed and the knots all came popping back one by one.

The text was from Lanie, right on schedule, letting them know that the bird was in the hole. Um. . . .

That she was in . . . Um. . . .

"She's there," Castle stammered. He waited a count of thirty. He waited somewhere in the neighborhood of a count of thirty. Thirty had never seemed so far from one before now. But anyway, that's how long he waited, approximately, before he fired off a text to Esposito.

Kate suddenly cranked her spine around to face him. She was more than tense. She was worried. Really worried. "Take Alexis with you."

"What?" Alexis sounded alarmed.

"What?" So did Castle.

Martha broke off in mid-nacht. "Oh, yes, of course. Very wise, dear."

Castle exchanged puzzled frowns with his daughter. Oh, good. This wasn't about him being drunk. They really weren't making sense.

"What? Wise? How wise?" He looked from from his mother to his girlfriend and back again, but they were just nodding sagely at each other, and he did not like that one bit. It looked like more woman math.

"Esposito won't shoot you in front of your kid, Castle." Kate chewed her lip. "It's less likely he'll shoot you in front of your kid."

"Shoot me?" Castle's voice shot up. "Javier wouldn't shoot . . . Lanie won't let . . . Oh my God, he's going to shoot me. Alexis, you have to come with me."

"Dr. Parish is . . . is my boss," Alexis looked from Kate to her grandmother, but their minds were made up.

"Oh, Alexis, darling, you won't even have to see her. She'll be in the bedroom in something devastating," Martha smiled to herself.

"Gram!" Alexis paled.

Martha was oblivious. "Detective Esposito will be dying to get rid of the both of you!"

"This is so wrong." Alexis banged her forehead against the steering wheel.

"I know," Castle said soothingly. At least he hoped it sounded soothing. But with the German and the sudden fear of bleeding out in Esposito's hallway on Christmas Eve, he had no idea if he was within a city block soothing. "It's all totally wrong, but it's ferret related and I don't want to get shot on Christmas Eve!"

Ok, so that wasn't soothing at all.

They had parked the car around the corner and left Kate and his mother in it with the heat running. Castle thought it was stupid, he and Alexis wading through the slush like that. Even Esposito wasn't paranoid enough to be peeping out the window to check their story when he had a half-naked Lanie in his apartment. Probably. Probably Esposito wasn't paranoid enough.

Kate had kissed him. In front of his mother and his kid. And not just a little Merry- Christmas-I-am-taking-a-giant-emotional-leap-here-because-I-like-like-you-and-maybe-even-that-other-L-thing peck by the tree. She kissed him hard. And if that didn't say "We who are about to die salute you," Castle didn't know what did.

He was nervous. And Alexis was horrified and nervous. Not that he blamed her, but it wasn't helping.

"Look, I'm sorry, sweetie . . ."

"Dad, can we just . . . not talk. I get it. You're drunk. Detective Esposito will realize that you wouldn't have driven yourself here and we can't risk him getting suspicious, so can we please just get this over with, hopefully without me having to think any harder than I already have that my boss on a booty call that you set up?"

Whoa. That was, like, a really long, complicated expository sentence. And not a happy one. There was no happy there. She was definitely not having a good time.

"You're not having a good time." He sounded pathetic and he knew it.

He was pathetic. He was letting everyone down. He'd made Kate drop the key and Jenny and Ryan were still waiting. He was making Lanie donate her body to the cause and no matter how willing a donor she might be, didn't that kind of make him a pimp? Worst of all, he was using his own kid as a meat shield against a grown man with special forces training and a ferret phobia. He sucked.

"Dad . . ." Alexis sighed heavily and gave him a lopsided grin. "No, I'm not having a good time. No one is having a good time right now."

"Except your grandmother." Castle scuffed his toe on the sidewalk.

"Except Gram," she laughed. "But it's not your fault. And I was having a good time. We were all having a good time, and now it's just . . ."

"Ferret related." He spit the words out.

"Ferret related," she agreed. She hooked her elbow through his. "Aren't you supposed to send another text?"

"Oh, right." Castle fumbled his phone from his pocket. It was time to escalate to all caps.

"Castle if I had the time I would rip your balls off and feed them to . . . oh . . . Oh, hey Alexis! Um. Merry Christmas?"

"Merry Christmas, Detective!" Alexis gave him a shy wave.

Castle could see Esposito tamp down at least 30% of his murderous rage. Maybe 40%. His kid was awesome.

Esposito finished pulling his shirt on and scooted into the hallway, closing the apartment door behind him. He tried to look casual as he leaned against it. "Castle, you know it's not a good time. So maybe whatever you need can wait?"

"I'm sorry, Javier!" Castle said quickly. "I really wouldn't have bothered you, but it's an emergency!"

"You couldn't call?"

"We did. Texted, I mean," Alexis chimed in. "Dad's . . . um . . . well, Gram's glögg didn't go quite right. But I made him text you all the way here. We're really sorry."

Esposito's lips pulled back in something that was probably supposed to be a grin. It was terrifying. "That's so weird. I didn't hear my phone."

"That is weird." Castle said heartily. Too heartily. He was overplaying it. Oh, God, he was overplaying it. "So anyway. I need the key to Ryan's apartment."

"You need what now?" Esposito shot a glance at Alexis. "Castle, don't even think about interrupting Ryan's Christmas . . . plans."

Castle frowned. Oh. Oh. Their plans. Esposito wasn't up to speed. Of course. That was the whole point.

"Um . . . those plans changed, so it's not a problem. I just need the key and we'll leave you alone."

"Those plans changed?"

"Totally," Castle nodded vigorously. "Totally changed. They're out. The Ryans are out on the town. They . . ."

"Went to a movie," Alexis supplied.

"They canceled their plans so they could go to a movie?"

Shit. This was all going to hell in a hand basket. Castle took a surreptitious sideways peek around Esposito's back. It didn't look like he was carrying.

"Yes . . . a movie. Beckett and I were just telling Alexis that Ryan decided that he and Jenny should go to a movie and then spend the night in a really nice hotel downtown. You know? A nice hotel. After the movie. Special. Special movie night." He was babbling. Castle knew he was babbling but he couldn't stop.

"You and Beckett?" Esposito's eyes narrowed. "Isn't she working?"

"She got someone to cover," Alexis said quickly. "So she could be with us. With my dad. It was totally romantic. And really fun. Except there was the glögg and then Detective Beckett found out my dad didn't get her a present, and with the glögg . . ."

She was babbling, too, but it was working for her. Esposito's eyes were glazing over and Castle was almost certain he was no longer thinking about going for whatever might or might not be in the ankle holster he might or might not be wearing.

"I did get her a present!" Castle broke in.

"You did?" Esposito looked bewildered. Bewildered was way better than homicidal. Castle was totally going to buy Alexis a pony if they got out of this alive. "I thought you didn't? Didn't Beckett say no presents?"

"She said no presents." Castle shrugged. "Woman math."

Alexis glared at him and he mouthed a silent apology. She folded her arms and turned her back on both of them.

"Woman math. You don't have to tell me, bro. You wouldn't believe what La . . ." Esposito suddenly broke off as he remembered Alexis was there. Definitely a pony.

"So that's why I need the key." Castle seized the moment. "Because that's where I hid it. The present."

"At Ryan's?"

"Yep. At Ryan's. Because Beckett was all snooping around the loft."

"For a present she didn't think you'd gotten her . . ."

"Woman math!" Castle let out a laugh that was way too hearty. Bowl full of jelly hearty. What was wrong with him? Other than the glögg and the possibility of nefariousness and the fact that this was all ferret related.

Castle was just on the verge of something desperate. Or stupid. Or desperately stupid when a noise sounded from inside Esposito's apartment. The color drained from the detective's face as the doorknob behind him started to turn.

"Javi? What the heck are you . . . Castle, what the hell are you doing here?" Lanie glared daggers at him through the minute space between the door and the frame.

Esposito shoved his nose through the crack and hissed, "I am so, so sorry. This will just take . . . I just . . . . " He whirled back to face Castle.

Lanie took the opportunity to see if she could set Castle on fire with her sizzling laser eye beams.

Castle instinctively backed up a step. "Oh . . . oh! I am so sorry. Esposito, just . . . that key and we are, like out of here. So sorry. Sorry, Lanie," he added in a stage whisper.

"Yeah, let me get that right now," Esposito backed through the door. "You stay here."

Castle and Alexis barely had time to exchange hopeful looks before Esposito was back and depositing the key in Castle's palm.

Castle crowded the doorway and made noises of profuse thanks. Just to solidify the idea that Esposito was the one getting rid of them. That they were definitely not fleeing.

It worked. Thank God, it worked.

Esposito hustled back inside, slamming the door behind him, and they were scampering down the hall.

Castle was giddy with relief. "Oh, Lanie! God bless Lanie."

"God bless, me," Alexis slapped his arm. In the spot. In the same damned spot. Ow. "I texted her as soon as I realized you were blowing it."

"I wasn't blowing it," Castle sniffed. He crumbled a second later. "Ok, I was totally blowing it and you are the best daughter ever and I am buying you a pony."

"Dad, I'm 19!"

"Are you saying you don't want a pony?"

She thought about it a minute. "I don't not want a pony."

Castle smiled at her. "Ferret first, pony later."

Esposito lay in the dark listening to Lanie's steady, even breathing. A patch of ceiling turned from blue to red to green to gold, courtesy of the chaser lights strung along the balcony across the way.

He eased his arm out from under her. Lanie's face screwed up in an exaggerated frown. He couldn't help grinning down at her as she batted at him in her sleep. He'd missed this. He'd missed her and wanted to fall asleep next to her for the first time in a long time.

But that wasn't going to happen. No sleep for him tonight. Something was up.

He hadn't turned off his phone. He never turned off his phone. Never forgot to charge it and never turned it off.

Lanie must have done it. She must have switched it off so that he'd conveniently find the texts from Castle after the fact. Corroboration.

She was in on it. Whatever was up. Whatever Castle was up to, she was in on it. They all were. Castle, Lanie, even the kid. Probably Beckett, too. They were all in on it.

Esposito swung his feet to the floor and carefully transferred his weight off the mattress. Lanie flopped toward him. He grimaced as she scowled and groped around his now-empty side of the bed.

Shit. She was a cuddler. An aggressive cuddler who did not like to be woken up by the fact that he was not complying with the cuddling. He had to think fast. He had to take a risk.

He leaned over the bed and snagged the corner of his own pillow. At the same moment, her hand flailed wildly in his direction. He held the pillow up like a shield. Lanie grunted as her fingers made contact. Her fist closed around the corner of the pillow case and she yanked it toward her, nearly pulling him off balance.

Esposito swayed on his feet. He held his breath as her body jerked from side to side, wrestling with the pillow. She growled and wrapped both arms around it.

She growled-he'd forgotten that. Oh, yeah, he'd forgotten that . . . He watched, transfixed, as she drew one knee up. The sheet slid from her thigh and suddenly the fact that she was in on it, whatever it was, seemed a lot less important.

He took a step toward the bed. It was just a Castle plan. Some kind of crazy Castle plan, but it didn't matter. Castle or no Castle, she wouldn't have come here if she hadn't wanted to. If she hadn't realized that she didn't want to end the year alone any more than he did.

He slid a knee on to the edge of the bed.

"Javi . . ." It was barely a whisper.

"I'm here, chica." He leaned over her as he eased more of his weight back on to the mattress. It didn't matter. Whatever it was, it didn't matter . . .

"Shhhh . . . it's ok Javi," she murmured.

"Yeah. It's ok. It's all ok." He lifted the sheet carefully and swung one leg underneath.

"I won't let him get you." The whisper turned fierce. "I won't let that thing get you."

Esposito went still. He could feel every beat of his heart. Every pulse of blood. Every nerve ending. A sudden chill crept over his skin. "Thing?"

"The ferret. The ferret, Javi. I won't let him get you."